What it takes to be a Lesbian

STRAIGHTBIANS have long been under the ignorant Hetsplained idea that being a Lesbian takes two. That being a Lesbian takes a certain age even. That being Lesbian is a duet, instead of a solo.

What is means NOT to be Lesbian vs what it means to be a Lesbian-in pictures:

Dirt and Mrs Dirt

Sheila Jeffreys Officially Confirms That She Is a Straightbian

An alert reader (thanks!) spotted this hilarious attempted smack-down of Dirt by “Academic Straightbian SusieSheila Jeffreys, and sent us this comedic screencap taken from Sheila’s latest treatise, “The Lesbian Revolution: Lesbian Feminism in the UK 1970-1990” (2018):
Sheila J Dirt
After nearly choking to death laughing our Lesbian asses off, we decided to do a post about how good old Sheila mistakenly thinks she is so clever, but, in fact, she simply and  naively PROVES the very points we made about her and her Straightbian cohorts.
Okay, so let’s break down Sheila’s sad attempt at dissing Dirt:

1). Sheila claims that Dirt is “no feminist“; apparently mistaking that snarky quip for an insult. Well, no shit, Sherlock; Dirt has never claimed to be a radical feminist. In fact, Dirt is proud NOT to be a radical feminist, because she is not a fan of delusional drivel. (And ditto with Mrs. Dirt, by the way). Duh.

2). Sheila, while purporting to be a “
feminist” herself, seemingly willfully “
forgets” to cite Mrs. Dirt as the equal (Lesbian relationships are like that hun-equal) co-author of the entire Unstraightening Lesbian series. As a Academic Straightbian Susie herself, Sheila clearly should be familiar with the rules of citation; after all, she is quite well known for infamously citing herself at every opportunity. Her intentional lack of citation shows that her “
feminist” principles apparently do not include the fact that a Lesbian partner/wife/co-author as being worthy of recognition — which is actually not very feminist after all, now is it? Think about it.

3). Poor Sheila apparently lacks reading comprehension skills and/or even the most basic of accurate reporting skills. Neither Dirt nor I have EVER said that “women who have ever related sexually to men can never become lesbians.” In fact, we have both written about “Later-In-Life Lesbians“. What we have said is that NOBODY can “become a Lesbian. You either are born a Lesbian, or you are not one at all. Some Lesbians may initially attempt to please their families/society/church/etc. by marrying a man, then later come out as a Lesbian. But guess what? THEY WERE LESBIAN ALL ALONG, EINSTEIN. You know who isn’t a Lesbian, and never will be, though, Sheila et al.? A HETEROSEXUAL female who chooses (for whatever reason) to partner with another female, that’s who. For approximately the millionth time: Behavior does NOT equal orientation. Geez, Sheila. Do try to keep up, dear.

4). Sheila writes, “She (Dirt) says that I am not and have never been a lesbian because I was once heterosexual; rather, I am a ‘straightbian'”. Um, yeah, exactly. BINGO! Ding ding ding, Sheila wins a prize! Yes, that is exactly what we are saying, Sheila: IF YOU ARE A HETEROSEXUAL, sweetie, YOU ARE NOT A FREAKING LESBIAN. You are one or you are the other; you can never be both, nor can you switch back and forth. Sheila states clearly here in this passage that she was, in fact, born a HETEROSEXUAL. Ergo, Sheila is NOT A LESBIAN (nor is any other Straightbian), nor has she ever been, nor will she ever be. Which, of course, is the entire point of the Unstraightening Lesbian series.

5). Sheila goes on to babble some bullshit about butchness, then culminates her blather with this “
brilliant”(NOT!) thought: “This jockeying for position and for authenticity, for the status of ‘real ones’, creates bitter divisions between lesbians. It also creates a barrier to heterosexual women choosing to become lesbians.” First of all, we aren’t jockeying for “position” — but: we are saying that the plethora of NON-Lesbians (AKA Straightbians), like Shoddy Sheila herself, who have found fame and fortune while arrogantly speaking for Lesbians are wrong and harmful to real Lesbians in a myriad of ways. Secondly, standing up for Lesbian truth and authenticity does not “create bitter divisions between lesbians” — instead, it creates bitter divisions between real Lesbians and charlatan Straightbians. (Good riddance too. Bye, bye, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, ladies). Finally, YES: We do, in fact, strive to create a barrier to heterosexual women who falsely claim that they “
choose to be Lesbians“. Why? Well, let’s all just THINK about it — we have confidence that even the dullest knife in the drawer is capable of seeing the irony in Sheila’s statement. Yes, IF SOMEONE IS HETEROSEXUAL, SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN. Sheila freely admits in this passage that she and her cohorts are, in fact, HETEROSEXUAL…which makes Sheila and The Straightbians — wait for it, wait for it — NOT FUCKING LESBIANS. FFS.

6). Neither Dirt nor I have ever said that females can’t/shouldn’t make a choice to partner with other females. Shit, we watch the ID Channel! So if Het women wanna hook up with a STRAIGHTBIAN, be careful, STRAIGHTBIANS dont feature large on Deadly Women for nothing! Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah! Of course, we recognize that everybody has a right to live their lives any way they see fit. So, go for it, straight chickadees, and do whatever you want…but just know that you are wrong, unethical, and immoral if you call yourself a “Lesbian”.

7). Thanks, Sheila, for publicly admitting what we have been saying all along: that you and others in our Unstraightening Lesbian series are, in fact, HETEROSEXUALS. Being a Lesbian is not a choice, dear, and it’s terribly privileged and arrogant for you and others to claim that it is. Publishing idiotic drivel like the quote above simply reinforces the clueless, twisted, entitled egocentrism of Straightbians: especially the self-proclaimed “lesbian experts” who are neither Lesbians nor experts.

8). Kindly take your radical feminist malarkey and shove it way, way far up your…well, you know.

Dirt & Mrs. Dirt
Image 45
You still are, Sheila. You always will be hun.

Sexual Fluidity-a Story in Nonsense

What if Homosexuality wasnt biological?...

As Monday morning rolled around, Joe got up and showered, feeling a combination of anxiousness and excitement. The department Joe heads was to begin a joint project with the 4th floor department, and if everything were to go well, this would mean a big promotion for Joe. Joe's wife was already making plans for a celebration party, as she was sure like all of Joe's past successes, he would also see this project through, up another rung up on the corporate ladder.

Joe studied himself in the mirror for several moments after had showered and shaved, thinking to himself "I might not look like the captain of a high school football team, but I look damn good for a 36 year old guy"! He chuckled at this thought, when his wife interrupted "what are you smirking at"? "Oh nothing, honey". Joe finished getting dressed, kissed his wife goodbye and said he'd grab a coffee on the way in, because he wanted to be early to go over a few things before the big meeting. Joe felt a stirring in his downstairs from his wife's kiss, he wished he had had more time to ravish his very sexy wife, but hey, duty calls!

Later, Joe felt great at how well the meeting had progressed. Tim, who was the 4th floor's department head, really knew his stuff, and Joe was impressed. He had only seen Tim on the elevator and at a few work functions with his wife, so he really saw Tim in a new light during this joint project. Joe was glad things seemed so easy with Tim, Joe knew the better he and Tim worked together, the better their team would function, ensuring their projects success AND Joe's promotion!

Because Joe and Tim worked so well together, they actually shaved a full week off their deadline, although both put in their share of late nights. As the project started coming to a close, Joe felt a kind of uneasiness. He wasnt sure why, since its end would mean an end to late nights and high stress and the beginning of a promotion. But, nonetheless, Joe felt odd or off. He wasnt sure exactly what he was feeling or why. Joe's wife even noticed something was wrong. She asked Joe "For the last seven weeks you have come home excited and full of energy and now the projects done you seem depressed. Whats going on"? Joe shook his head, "oh nothing", "guess all the hours and stress have finally caught up to me".

A week past and Joe couldnt stop thinking about how much fun it was working with Tim. He felt like no matter what he said to Tim, Tim understood him exactly. It felt so wonderful to talk with someone about his career passions, his deep love of football, and his complaints about women, particularly his wife. Joe loved his wife dearly, but did she ever really understand him, his feelings, his dreams? Sometimes Joe felt like he was more of a paycheck to her than a husband.

Before he could think further, the phone rang. Joe reached in his pants pocket for his phone. A huge surge of butterflies rushed through his belly when he saw the caller ID, it was Tim! Joe nervously answered, thinking Tim was surely calling about work. He felt his voice tremble "Helllllooo".

After work, Joe nervously waited at the bar where Tim had asked Joe to meet him. The bar was downtown, near work. It was a nice upscale bar, with an equally nice hotel atop it. Joe checked his phone again for the time,seeing that Tim was 5 minutes late. Joe's stomach began sinking when he heard a voice behind him "hey buddy, sorry I'm late, I couldnt find a parking spot to save my life"! Joe muttered "no problem Tim, this is a great bar"..."have you been here before"? Tim said he had been to a bachelor party there the previous year for an old college friend.

After several beers, Tim looked into Joe's big brown eyes and said exactly what Joe has been feeling for weeks "I dont know how else to say this than to just say it"..."Joe, I cant stop thinking about you"! Joe felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders, "oh my god Tim, I have been so down since we stopped working together"!..."I dont really know whats going on Tim, but I know my life hasnt felt more right than when we've worked together"! Joe felt shocked that these words were actually coming out of his mouth! He wondered for a minute was someone else inside him talking for him? Tim said "I know exactly how you feel Joe"...."I keep telling myself this is crazy and I'm a happily married STRAIGHT man"..."and then I think of you"...Tim's voice trailed off as he starred into Joe's eyes. Joe asked the bartender for the check.

Joe and Tim road silently up the elevator to the room Joe booked for them. Joe slid the key card to the door of their room, letting Tim enter first. Joe looked for the light switch while Tim found the minibar making them both a strong drink. As Joe took the drink Tim made, he told Tim "I've never done this before Tim, not with a man". Tim nodded "Neither have I buddy, neither have I". Joe continued "and I dont mean just sex, Tim, I mean I've never had these kinds of feelings for another man, never"! They both quickly drank their drink, undressed themselves when Joe said "I'm not even sure what to do"....Tim kissed him saying "love is love" while their mutual passions washed over them like a warm waterfall!

The moral of the story? Were SEXuality actually fluid, it wouldnt simply be Radical Feminist/sexually abused Het female/special snowflake STRAIGHTBIANS etc. that were suddenly "BECOMING Lesbians"; it would be our fathers, uncles, butchers, plumber's-butt plumbers etc. suddenly "BECOMING gay men"! And, by the same token, it would also mean biological Homosexuals would equally suddenly "BECOME straight". The moral of this story, the story of a hollow, futile, randomness, whereby biology has NO meaning, despite endless proofs of the laws of nature to the contrary? Ludicrous.

Dirt and Mrs Dirt

Missing Person Kristin Snyder: Lost in a Sea of Myths Pt 2

The next part in our forensic postmortem of the mockumentary The Lost Women of NXIVM will consist of dissecting the major proponents surrou...