"I wish I’d come across a site like this years ago; what the author wrote about being a transman I could of wrote almost word for word myself.
I started on HRT in 2002, I’ve had all the surgeries including vaginectomy and phalloplasty and I regret all of it!
Why, well I now have a huge realisation after years of counseling why I ‘needed’ to transition; basically because of being badly sexually abused by my father, getting into bad situations with blokes, incurring huge amounts of sexism and generally coming from a very abusive family. Having a mother who was very abusive and critical of me in every way.
In hindsight I thought transitioning would ‘change’ me from this timid, anxious, traumatised girl/woman, get me out of that body that was so badly violated and preyed upon into this strong confident ‘man’.
What I am now is still that traumatised female, but now trapped in an approximation of a ‘male body’!
I feel like a funny little ‘anomaly’ – nothing like a real bloke, not just physically but emotionally as well.
Yes, you’re so right about the female skeleton, you end up looking like a squat little character, short arms, little hands – how many blokes are there that are 5’5” with big hips? The list just goes on.
Balding, yes, hairy, yes! A little old man looks back at me in the mirror!
I’ve heard so many transmen, even one’s who have been on ‘T’ for years sound like they suck helium!
No matter how many years of going to the gym flogging away you just can’t change anything, all you end up with is fucked up joints!
I tried to bring up the subject of what ‘changes, e.g. body fat with psychologists and the endocrinologist in the past, but they just couldn’t give a shit – not interested!
Also what wasn’t mentioned on the site is psychological alignment with proper blokes; in reality I lived as a female, all be it a bit androgynous for 44 years before I ever heard about female to male transition – I, at the time assumed I fit into this criteria.
The reality is, I have no idea how to be a bloke, how to talk bloke, I’m lost.
I did have constant attacks of bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections that needed antibiotics until I had the vaginectomy.
The surgeries are so grueling, to be honest I feel mutilated, I have re-occurring bladder infections/UTI’s, and at times ‘nasty smells’ coming from the phallus where urine gets trapped in the plumbing and U-bends.
No other transman would admit that!!!
Regret yes! If I could de-transition I wouldn’t hesitate, but I know I’d never get back to where I was, I’d be an ‘ugly’ bald, hairy freak with a deep voice.
It’s all a total mess really!!"