Change Your World-NOT your Body

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Butch-Butch Sexuality-Stoneness

What is Butch Sexuality? This is not a question that can be definitively answered. Unfortunately sexuality, historically to the present begins, ends and revolves all around male sexuality. Where between meager feminist gains and a male designed sex positive feminism for women, true female sexuality separate from men has yet to be unearthed. All making it impossible to define Lesbian Sexuality, let alone a small faction of Lesbian, in this case Butch. What I will do in this post is discuss sexual experiences predominately specific to Butch lesbians until lesbian feminism advances can garner a more finite answer to the question: What is Butch Sexuality?

Butch Sexuality even in the simple, is complicated. It can reach great heights of pleasure, and it can plummet to the depths of deep despair. Sometimes, even during those great heights. It is these strange twists in Butch desire, that can confound Femme lovers. The sex we see on tv or read in books, the sex we're exposed to in every media form growing up, its all so bloody straight forward. Even the scant sex scenes portrayed between two women, that I do you, you do me, flows flawless. What I have tried to brutally illustrate within these first two posts on Butch is Butch lesbians from our earliest moments, slowly get separated from ourselves as females. So that when puberty reminds us in the most violent ways we are female, we erect internal and external walls to shield ourselves and others from that shameful painful truth, even those we want to wrap ourselves up in forever.

I have been with Femme lovers frustrated by my own behaviour during sex, I have spoken with many more Femmes frustrated by their Butch lovers. There is a Butch expectation that when we reach for our Femme's breast or slide a hand down to her crotch, that she wants us to touch her with as much insane desire as we want to touch her. Femme's however cannot have any expectation in the reverse. Some Butches may state right off that they do not want to be touched in any way they find to be sexual: breast/pussy/buttocks. Some Butches may suffer from such a deep degree of dysphoria, they will only partner with damaged straight women who have zero interest in a mutual sexual intimate relationship. Other Butches may intimate a zero touch policy, but in the heat of passion allow themselves and their Femme to take some pleasure in their body. Others still shy away from the subject altogether. Complicated.

But in trying to convey in the two previous Butch series posts I hoped to uncomplicate at least the whys. And in this post I want Femmes to get how the violence in becoming a woman for a Butch complicates the fuck out of us enjoying the sexual attention they direct our way. Also I want Butches to understand how our being separated from ourselves as females in childhood, creates a certain misogynistic sexism within the Butch/Femme sexual dynamic that complicates our enjoying a Femme's sexual advances.

I think what many Femmes do not understand about Butch insecurities/fears or even contemplate, is the violent trauma Butches go through during puberty with echos of that trauma following us throughout our lives (to degrees). And the assault isnt merely an assault on our bodies, it is an assault on how our bodies represented us to us BEFORE puberty! So that after puberty, we feel like we cannot be ourselves in a body that no longer conforms to who we were/are and it was before. But like any trauma victim, with time we do adapt to our adult female selves. And also like any trauma victim, there unfortunately are triggers that can slam us right back into puberty's blitzkrieg, like a Femme sliding her hand over our breast or into our boxers. A hint for Butches, when fear comes over you, try intellectualizing till the scary moments pass. A hint for Femmes, whisper your desires when we're on fire and our front lines are down. Bigger hint, love us for letting you cross those lines without screaming it from the tops of your lungs. If a Butch lets you into her pants, what she doesnt need or want is a Femme coming up for air and going on about how good it was. In these moments we feel very unbutch, give us some time to regain our butch composure.

How can a Femme's touch unbutch a Butch? Technically of course it cant. You cannot undo what you're born. BUT it can none the less feel that way to Butch lesbians. Somewhere in those early years when Butch girls get othered from ourselves and other girls, our relationship with boys elevates us above those other girls and later seemingly above Femmes. Obviously, not in a literal sense, but in our minds. Intellectually we can tell ourselves as Butches, as even feminist Butches, that there is no real difference between Butches and Femmes. As Butch lesbian we can fix a truck, make a five course meal for dinner while vacuuming the living room and so to can our Femme lovers. And in these choirs, neither of us feels any more or less Butch or Femme.

But in the bedroom, that Femme hand coming near our nether regions? It can feel like a Femme is trying to have power over us. And all the old childhood notions of you (the Butch) being other and stronger than girls, comes flooding back. How can we as the big strong Butch acquiesce our power/make ourselves vulnerable to that of a woman, a Femme? Again this is where Butches need to intellectualize the situation. We (Butch/Femme) are BOTH women, BOTH lesbian! Butches need to especially remind ourselves Femme lesbians have similar sexual desires as we do, even if they approach those desires somewhat differently. Yes, Femme desire can be scary, but with a little trust it can also be HOT as fuck!

Butch Sexuality IS complicated, constricted tightly by a long winding Gender Straight Jacket. But if we as Butches take a few steps back, understand the whys of our complications and intellectualize when we feel afraid? We can then untangle some of the threads binding us and enjoy someone pleasing our bodies and taking their own pleasure in pleasing us.



  1. This is incredibly valuable, thank you. I really do like the advice.

    It's true, we Femmes cannot possibly understand what butches go through during puberty. I see that we Femmes can only support to a certain point, and then it is the responsibility of the butch to deal with any "stone" issues.

    Without any language in which to express oneself, how does either butch or femme communicate with each other on these issues, let alone to themselves in their private thoughts? We find a way. But thankfully we have you writing about these issues, here, helping us in real terms, with just a few words of knowledge and experience. Thanks again

  2. Dirt,
    Thank you so much for this series of posts that you're doing right now. As much as I appreciate the critical nature of your blog, these posts have been so refreshing to read from you. I think you've really explained the situation quite beautifully.

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  4. I just found this post. Thank you so much!!! Wish I had read it a long time ago, well before you wrote it. If that makes sense :) xx


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