Saturday, March 22, 2014

Femme Desire-A Topic in Silence

This is a follow up post to the Dangers of a Passive Femme in response to the attempts to disrupt the conversation around Femme LESBIAN desire.

In my vast experience of Butch/Femme online, offline, over the line, under the line, even behind the lines that whenever the subject of Femme lesbian desire comes up and the conversation goes beyond the scope of on her back, bent over or mouth agape the discussion immediately takes a left turn, right turn or abruptly slams into a stop sign full stop! There are several different factions with similar self serving reasons whose barrage of silencing multiplicity has the sole aim to shut down dialogue. The visual image for this would be:
Briefly, here are the prime factions diluting, hampering or stifling the Femme desire conversation and the reasoning behind it-in no particular order:

Queer Femme: Queer femmes are straight women whom for individual reasons have temporarily taken a men-O-pause and whom have with straight privilege intact co-opted queer femme. Queer femmes generally seek out lesbian mates considered by them to be of a "mannish" persuasion. Most often lesbians of a butch variety and of these Butches only those suffering from a deep deep sense of female shame, lesbians who more times than not ID as "male-identified" and/or use male names/pronouns. Queer femmes mate with lesbians whose deep female shame prevents them from being made love to/receiving direct sexual contact in effort to escape any sense of lesbianism within the relationship and will often even encourage female/lesbian shame in their mate. In a word Lezbophobic!

You may be thinking, why would any queer femme give a ratz ass about who Femme lesbians fuck or any conversation to that affect? The reason queer femmes do care and will attempt to derail or close down dialogue whenever Femme desire veers from Pillow Princess to Pussy Pleaser is because it moves Femme squarely into the category of LESBIAN while at the same unearthing queer femme from the lesbian poser platform from which it resides.

On the flip side, are the sexually/emotionally dysfunctional lesbians that queer femmes date/sleep with/emotionally take hostage of. Lesbian mates of queer femmes are invested in shutting down topics of Femme LESBIAN desire with similar reasoning to that of their queer femme constabularies. These lesbians will police Femme desire topics whenever they arise, in order to arrest any Femme desire conversation from escaping into an area where Femme become lesbian. They do this to preserve their hope filled ideas of them NOT being real females/real lesbians by removing lesbianism FROM Femme. For these same mates of queer femmes have, do and desire to partner with Femme lesbians. There are even many whom will get past their female shame and in ways both she and her Femme lover are comfortable with, will allow/desire/beg her Femme lover to make love to her. But publicly will deny to her dying breath that she would EVER allow herself to succumb to a Femme's lesbian limp wristed touch.

When straight women (and in some cases straight men) pose as Femme or certain lesbians remove LESBIAN from Femme, then lesbianism itself becomes questionable beyond that of the mannish looking dyke. When the lovers of Femmes seek to remove LESBIAN from Femme, it doesnt merely undermine Femme as lesbian, it stains the fabric of Femme with the graffiti of Femme as the weaker sex. And in doing so circles right back 'round to strengthen the myth that Femmes are only fuck objects for mannish dykes or worse, spank wank for pornofied males.

There are smaller voices who add to the silencing of Femme as lesbian, but queer femmes and lesbians who partner with queer femmes/Femmes are the primary two. There are even Femmes who add to this silence and denial of Femme as lesbian out of their love for partners whose female shame runs too deep, these Femmes relinquish their owns needs to protect the misogynistic fears of their lovers.

Femme desire goes far beyond being flat on their backs and can quickly move with just a hot breath to putting YOU flat on yours! Femmes ARE lesbians and lesbian desire is Femme desire. A desire I have both feared and revered.



  1. I'm actually really angry at these queer femmes and I don't mind admitting it. As a young lesbian they made me feel that I was wrong, and I wasn't needed, infact much like others posts here they inferred that femme desire would be harmful to butches. It didn't feel right, but any femme (and even butches!) who protest get shut down, often with spite, so I ended up believing I had been wrong about my desires. Believing the 'thats just they way they/we are'. But the question stayed with me... How can expressing a desire for a taste of her butch be harmful? It IS lesbian. Very different from actual non-consensual touch. I wouldn't dream of it. I would think that inferrring this may be the worst offense if it wasn't for queer femme (straight women) enabling the perpetuating if not exacerbating female body shame in the butches I so love and adore.

    I just read back what I wrote and was astonished at how I actually felt and still feel sometimes.... Not Needed, not required. But I know that's not true. When she is ready we will find each other.

  2. Thank you for your brave honesty Anon 6:40pm.


  3. You're welcome. I can say more if you like!

  4. Please feel free to, the platform is yours!


  5. Right, here goes! These women expecting NO demanding butches be rich romeos showering them with gifts, sometimes expensive, and know their every need, like some kind of perfect fantasy man that can never exist! Butches are kind and sweet and giviing and adoring, but they prey on butches insecurities in those selfish demands. Im sorry, but, when she works in a factory, or as a delivery driver, does not have a pile of money, and sometimes finds a working day hard enough with all the homophobia and sexism daily the last thing I expect her to be is rich, and invulnerable 24/7! Its the opposite of what I want for her. I want to give her a soft place to fall. I want her to know how much she is desired, and I want the chance to love her. If I hold back its because of respect, not lack of desire or lack of communicating that, but out of tenderness. Straight women before me have hurt her, so much she can't believe that I, her lesbian lover, truely desires her. It breaks my heart. Misunderstandings in the past have led her to mistrust me where experience with straight women have been selfish and not loved her. In time she learns to trust me, through my actions proving my love is true! She may be strong, but it is not there to exploit! She has all the needs of any female and more!

  6. And these queer femmes reakon they are so courageous and 'fierce' (whatever that means!' and strong. Na ah! They aren't vulnerable as we lesbians are, us femmes. They are straight so they can walk away at any point, unscathed! They have no lesbian desire so do not know the vulnerability we do in expressing Ours. They do not have as high stakes as we do.

  7. I do still talk to one ex about these things. She and I have had no voice, and no one to listen, until you, by writing about such things, have helped us find our voices. Even so I am the one who reads your blog because she doesnt have the reading skills. She does appreciate my forthrightness. Bcs of me talking about these things she's realised that I have been her first lesbian lover. Now she has gained clarity and wisdom for the future. Thank you Dirt.

  8. The way that queer identified women and lesbians define butch is entirely different. It's hard to put in words, but it's almost like a different culture. I don't have anything against most queer identified people, but a lot of queer folk do not understand lesbians. In some ways, queer is just like straight people in that it's difficult for them to grasp the idea that two women could be so emotionally, spiritually, and sexually attracted to each other. Queer can mean straight as in kinky, or bisexual. Straight people have always believed that two women don't really have meaningful sex without a man in the picture. They just don't get it because deep down inside they don't see women as human beings. Gender queer folks, especially males, and bisexual women are often as lesbian phobic as straight people. They hide their lesbian phobia behind their special queer theory. Lesbians deeply love women, and they just don't get it. It's completely foreign to them.

    Queer/transgender males can have rapey sounding workshops to teach lesbians to love penis on a transgender male.

    Their "Overcoming the Cotton Ceiling: Breaking Down Sexual Barriers for Queer Transwomen" was one of the most lesbian phobic things I've ever heard of in my entire life. This workshop was lesbian hatred pure and simple. If it's transgender versus lesbian, queer folk will side with transgender every time. We are supposed to believe that it doesn't have anything to do with misogyny or lesbian phobia, but I'm not buying it.


    I'm not saying all queer identified people are misogynistic, but the young queer guys can be as sexist and lesbian phobic as any straight man. This is especially true if lesbians don't pander to their needs.

    I also hate the fact that lesbians got thrown under the queer banner. It's gotten to the point that some lesbians are afraid to say they are lesbian if they find themselves in a room of queer identified people. To me, for a lot of people, queer is just a trendy way of displaying outright misogyny and lesbian phobia.

    The young queer dudes are the worst. They can be just as nasty and sexist as straight men, but with one difference. They think because they are trendy and cool, they can get by with bullsh** that straight guys would never think of pulling. Some queer identified women aren't that bad. I don't dislike all queer identified women.

    @March 22, 2014 at 6:40 PM

    Thanks for the comments...

    How can expressing a desire for a taste of her butch be harmful? It IS lesbian

    Queer and transgender see butch lesbians as a caricature or role not as a full human being. They do not know the lesbian heart nor do they care.

  9. Anon @ 6:59 pm. EXACTLY! Thank u for writing that.

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  11. Kate, please feel free to email me at

    And I am trying to make more of an effort to write about Butch/Femme issues.