Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned by S.A.

You may forget but let me tell you this: someone in some future time will think of us”
Sappho Born: 630 - 612 BCE, and it is said that she died around 570 BCE
I was the stereotypical tomboy when I was growing up, and, by and large, I rejected femininity forced on me.  I would put on dresses when it was a special occasion , but I’ve always felt more comfortable in jeans and a sweat shirt. My earliest childhood memories are of running through the thick pine forest and woods in back of our house, building forts, and playing baseball with my brother. I don't know why, but while most girls were playing with dolls, there was nothing I enjoyed more than the smell of the grass and the muffled ping sound of a ball as it struck the bat at the sweet spot for a solid double. I knew how to slide into third at age twelve.
Similar to many girls and women, I struggled with a certain degree of body dysphoria. When I started puberty, I felt intensely awkward as if what was happening to my body meant that I could no longer hang out with the boys. I had to put away my baseball mitt that I loved and become a girl. Boys always seemed to have more fun and far more freedom to do as they please. Being a boy represented a form of Independence that I could never sense in a girl. Besides regretting puberty and all the changes in my body, thinking back and analyzing my life experiences, there was another reason why I felt especially uncomfortable with my breasts. I can say with all certainty that my body dysphoria or revulsion I had towards developing breasts was partly related to my grandfather touching me inappropriately on my developing breasts. I can't recall the exact age, but I was about twelve or thirteen and I had just started developing breasts. One warm summer day my dad was going to drive my grandfather home since grand dad didn't have a car. I was wearing a light tan colored shirt and I wasn't wearing a bra at that time. It's funny how I can recall what I was wearing that day. I was sitting in the back seat of the car with my grandfather. My dad stopped at the post office downtown and got out of the car. I was alone in the backseat with my grandfather. I recall him reaching over to me and touching my breasts. It was no accident at all. He was trying to caress my breasts. I didn't know what to say, and I got out of the backseat of the car and started to walk home. I don't know why, but I didn't tell anyone. I was deeply ashamed more than anything else.

I was exposed to women’s history and feminism in college, and I believe that this is one of the major reasons that I’ve been able to overcome my body dysphoria and to come to appreciate and cherish my female body.  I discovered that there were women like me thousands of years ago. I’m proud of being a female and a lesbian, and it's liberating to know that women have lived before me. As to sexuality, I could care less if a female is heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual.  I only hope that she learns to appreciate, cherish, and honor her body, and her history.  
It might make me sound old, but I was born before people started using the words "top surgery". I grew up in the country, and no one even heard of the word "trans". At any rate, if someone told me that they could remove my breasts, I would have done it right then and there. Because I felt so insecure, and always hid my breasts, I would have had it done at age sixteen. I associated anyone even looking at my breasts with that sick, terrifying feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach when my grandfather's hand felt my breasts. After this incident, I recall clinching my fists and hitting my chest until it bruised. I didn't want to be a woman, and I didn't like my body. My body and breasts were betraying me, and were a source of fear and shame. When I was around sixteen years of age, I started wearing loose fitted sweat shirts to hide my breasts. My hair was short, and on more than one occasional I was mistaken for a boy. I would wear a baggy shirt, put on a heavy coat, put my hands in the front pockets of my jeans like boys and men do, and slouch over

It took me about ten to twelve years before I finally began to cherish and appreciate my female body. It was a slow process that required a great deal of soul searching, and it didn't happen over night. With a loving and patient partner, I actually enjoy my breasts touched now. It's very sensual and erotic. I'm so fortunate that I was born before "top surgery" because I sure as heck would have had them lopped off. I know it might sound strange, but I was in my mid-twenties before I finally realized that my breasts were actually things of beauty.
I've read many touching, insightful, and deeply personal stories of why some women don't transition.  I've struggled to answer the question, "Why I haven't transitioned", but I feel as nothing  that I say can do justice to this issue.  I am part of all the women who have come before me, and I'm part of women's history in its entirety.  I'm not willing to abandon my female identify because it is too precious a gift. 

Trans Trending-Who is Transitioning



Mayson-Age 22

MikusTheFikus36-Age (young)

Kaur Amme-Age (young)

DynamicAllardson-Age (young)

thatfuckingasiankid-Age 19

Kaden-Age 21

Thekromz-Age 20

Its is a statistical fact per the medical community and female transitioners themselves, that nearly 100% of all females who transition began transition as lesbians. When I first understood/admitted to myself that I was a lesbian, I climbed the highest ladder leading to the highest diving board and dove in. I submerged myself in all things lesbian. Lesbian her/story, lesbian art, lesbian music, lesbian literature, lesbian poetry, writers, poets, musicians and artists who were lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbian. And somewhere between all that and my own feelings, I arrived at what I believed and still believe a lesbian relationship entails. There is a line from Ferron's song Our Purpose Here that has always summed up perfectly to me lesbian relationships "It's a woman's dream this autonomy/Where the lines connect/
And the points stay free." 

It is incredibly sad that every female who will proceed (recede?) into transition will never get to experience the depth from where that line pointedly connects, existing only between lesbians, nor the limitless frontiers existing simultaneously. It is this regret that I have heard most often from lesbians who transition. How many many times have we heard female transitioners say their first trans highs of "passing" were coupled with a sharp pain because it coincided when lesbians began looking right past them as if they didnt exist. Single though I may be, I couldnt imagine a future were that possibility no longer existed, that would be death, more than the death that will one day put me in the ground.

Female Transition: Where lesbian love takes a permanent holiday.


REAL Women Canada-Bill C-279

Canada's Bill C-279 which would put gender identity/gender expression under human rights protection is back in the news. This time because an "expert psychiatrist" has claimed that "scientifically there is no such thing as transgender". He goes on to say that the so called trans person is either "psychotic or simply unhappy" and that "The medical treatment of delusions, psychosis or emotional happiness is not surgery". Dr. Berger also went on to say "There seems to me to be no medical or scientific reason to grant any special rights or considerations to people who are unhappy with the sex they were born into, or to people who wish to dress in the clothes of the opposite sex."

Until having the support/statements from Dr. Berger, Real Women of Canada were refused "permission to present their perspective on the bill to the review committee" yet all other individual and groups views who support the bill, were accepted by the committee. "REAL Women of Canada presented a 12 page brief setting out the harms created by the bill, and pointing out that the terms “gender expression” and “gender identity," as written in Bill C-279, were so broad that they could be used to protect pedophilia along with other sexual perversions, if passed into law."

More from the article: 
REAL Women provided the committee with evidence that post-operative trans-gendered individuals suffer substantially higher morbidity and mortality than the general population, placing the so-called “sex reassignment” surgery and hormone treatment under continued scrutiny.
They pointed out that a pioneer in such treatment, Dr. Paul McHugh, distinguished professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and psychiatrist-in-chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital, stopped the procedures because he found that patients were no better adjusted or satisfied after receiving such treatment.
McHugh wrote in 2004 that “Hopkins was fundamentally cooperating with a mental illness” by catering to the desires of people who wanted surgery to change their biological sex.
“We psychiatrists, I thought, would do better to concentrate on trying to fix their minds and not their genitalia,” he stated, adding that “to provide a surgical alteration to the body of these unfortunate people was to collaborate with a mental disorder rather than to treat it.”

While I fully understand and can appreciate where REAL Women is coming from and agree with there position to a point, employing the likes of Dr. Berger to bring about a critical understanding of transgenderism is not only fruitless, it is dangerous. Dr. Berger does nothing to differentiate autogynephiles from those actually suffering from body dysphoria. Nor does he bother to explain how racism and hyper masculinity within minority groups is responsible for homosexual minorities internalizing and pathologizing their homosexuality resulting in a desire to transition. Or how hyper femininity, the steepest backlash against feminist gains has created a similar self hatred in females (particularly lesbian) ensuing in their wishes to abandon their femaleness via transition.

I think this REAL Women group is more invested in their own narrow "family" interests, than in vying for any REAL help for those slapped with a transgender label. Keeping males, male rapists and male pedophiles out of private female areas is of the highest importance, yes. But so is shedding light on the homophobia underlying EVERY transition!


Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned-My Story by Dirt

I started out in this world feeling somewhere between uncomfortable to alien within my body. Some of my earliest memories have to do with the horror of clothes. Not girls clothes or boys clothes, but the material of clothing. That isnt to say that somewhere between age two and two and a half, or so I'm told, I refused to go on wearing dresses and any other graphically girl clothing. But the primary uncomfortableness was specifically more material, as in clothing hurt. Meaning, it felt painful to my skin and often made me itch terribly. At home I was often found in nothing more than a white cotton T shirt and white cotton undies to match. I suspect the writer/genius Janet Frame had similar issues when she wrote that she believed she was born missing several layers of skin due to her skin pain/sensitivity. So skin sensitivity was my first body issue huddle I had to get over. And like a good Olympian hurdler it took many years of practice before I was able to comfortably make that hurdle. Today I am still clothes sensitive, only I do not fret about it, merely try something else on that is skin compatible.

Besides the skin issues, I didnt feel confused about my female body, nor did I feel it limited how I dressed, what toys I wanted or played with, nor my behaviour in general. What was confusing was how my behaviour confused others into assuming I was a boy, despite my long hair which to me indicated otherwise. So while this caused me confusion and sometimes embarrassment and shame, it didnt alienate me from my body, only other people. Yet despite knowing I was a girl, I didnt at all feel like a girl in the way girl was portrayed in my eyes. That isnt to say I felt like a boy either. I did however feel at home with boys and at home doing things associated with boys.

Enter puberty, problems and dysphoria. Puberty held two phases for me, a bad phase and a nightmare I cannot wake from phase. The bad phase started around age twelve when I first began to develop breast. I'm not sure what was worse, no longer being able to go shirtless or having to wear a bra. I think the bra did make me feel more alienated from my body, more so than growing breast. Bras were something girls wore and while I was a girl, I didnt feel like one, nor did I want to.

A year later my bra/breast trauma would traumatically pale to the horror of beginning menstruation. Periods sealed me into a sense of femaleness that had until then completely eluded me. Where before I had never felt female, periods MADE me feel female! And with these feelings came the deepest sense of shame and humiliation. So painful, shameful and unnatural (or so it seemed) that with each period an acute suicidal depression came over me and didnt lift until the period was gone. I couldnt understand how my body could betray me like that. And betrayal is exactly how it felt. I never had to think about my body, because I didnt feel it. It just simply did (beautifully I might add) what I wanted it to do. It climbed the highest trees, leapt the biggest mud puddles, jumped the steepest ramps, all of which gave me a great sense of physical pride.

A pride I never thought could be taken from me, let alone viscerally ripped from me by the very body that handed it to me in the first place! I no longer felt like my body was me, it felt as alien to me as a different time must feel to a time traveler. Transition was largely unheard of at this time, but there is no doubt in my mind that had someone came to me and said this drug will stop your periods, but later cause heart attacks or cancer, my thirteen year old self would have jumped at the offer! Even if nothing else changed but the periods, no matter what potential future dangers, I wouldnt have cared.

Fortunately for me the above scenario wasnt an option. Unfortunately for me I would remain very alone in my dysphoria for many years to come. But with each year, I grew a little less dysphoric, partly from a growing maturity and partly because I wanted to reclaim the body I once loved. I have always been physically active, but had never officially gymed till about age twenty. Lifting weights helped to put me back in touch with my body. I felt muscles grow sore and grow larger with weight lifting. Somewhere between the added muscle and the increased strength I regained my lost body pride. That pride would also over the years be bolstered by lesbian relationships with lesbians who made it quite clear, that they wanted to be with me because I was a woman, NOT with me because I wasnt a man.


Trans Trending-Who is Transitioning

MisterJaycobsJourney-Age 22

coleisonline-Age 18

Kimouu008-Age 16

Kay-Age 16


Alex-Age (young)

FallenMorning-Age 19

hippopotatoemustash-Age (young)

JonahsArc-Age (young)

Someone recently contemplated in a comment, "where are these young women's mothers?" I think this article sadly sums up where some of them are "I’m so proud of her". Proud? What mother not completely indoctrinated within the confines of the Gender Straight Jacket would be proud of their daughter's self hatred??? A daughter who only "has felt like a boy for the past three or four years." A daughter who said "When I was younger I was quite girly but then I started getting into football and hanging out with boys. I started wearing more boys’ clothes and doing less girly things

Now I ask you, what mother would not see this as an important moment to dismantle the sexist, misogynistic ignorances of "girly, boys and football, boys' clothes and girly things" and instill a serious sense of pride in her daughter by removing her daughter's limited view of female and replace it with a limitless reality of female!

The mother goes on to say that "her own punk attitudes had influenced her parenting" her daughter. Well Miss mother, unlike piercings that can be removed or mohawks which can be grown out or blue/pink dyed hair washed out, the hacking off of healthy breasts canNOT grow back. Stunted growth of living organs, including the brain, canNOT be restored to proper normal growth/function. Various hormonal changes from high dangerous testosterone poisonings canNOT be reversed. And cancers from those dangerous drugs wont magically go away if hormone use is stopped. This mother seems more concerned her child is a societal rebel like she was than actually bothering to educate herself on her daughter's issues not to mention the homophobic history/present of transition itself!!!

This isnt the unconditional love of a mother, it is love on the condition that her child fit in, no matter what!


Transmen and Cancer

Below are a few links for females taking testosterone and the cancer risks/facts for doing so. If anyone has any others, or has transitioned and developed cancer as a result, please link them or share your story in a comment or email at thedirtfromdirt@yahoo.com and I'll add them in. I'm going to start keeping a link list relating to trans females and cancer.














Five Myths about Transition

Myth 1-Trans people are born that way. Wrong, no one is trans until high dosing of opposite sexed hormones are introduced.

Myth 2-Transition cures Gender Dysphoria. Wrong, dysphoria may be temporarily alleviated in the early stages of transition. It generally returns and/or changes upon returning, often times at a greater degree of body uncomfortableness and body hatred.

Myth 3-Suicidal depression goes away after transition. Wrong, once early trans highs wear off as hormonal changes cease, depression often returns, along with suicidal feelings.

Myth 4-All those who transition suffer from dysphoria. Wrong, the largest group who transition (hetero-white males) transition to appease their pricks/ mental phallus.

Myth 5-At a certain point your transition with be complete. Wrong, transition never ends if you wish to remain trying to appear as the opposite sex. Dangerous high levels of hormone use must continue throughout your life, regardless of serious health issues caused by those drugs, including heart attack/cancer.


Trans Sexism-still the same old sexism!

Why are 2/3's of the 100 Trans Americans you should know autogynephilic Males? While I clearly am against the barbaric treatment of GID, I am still fucking disgusted with the continued blatant sexism within the Trans Politic and the Trans Community. Autogenephilic males dominate, dictate and make all decisions about everything trans related, while trans females stand idly by twiddling their hairy thumbs. The clothing may have switched sides, but the male sexism remains very firmly intact. Proof positive transition isnt transgressive, merely transmogrificative.


Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned by J.G.

Dear Dirt,

I very much enjoy your blog, and I found your question interesting.  Why haven't I transitioned?

Well, this whole trans thing is a bit new on the scene.  I have never understood the craze over elective surgery of any kind, even plastic surgery.

What is interesting about the trans craze, is that it seems to be about women not feeling they are fully women within a butch context. I have never been feminine, have disliked the sexist programming of this, and find hyper-femininity kind of horrifying to be around.

Lesbians can define our world, and I was shaped by radical lesbian feminism. My ideal was to be a powerful self, free of sex role stereotypes. You don't need to cut up your body to express yourself.  I am perfectly at home in tailored suits, crisp white shirts, and a straightforward look. I have no ability to present myself in a feminine manner, find it odd, and I am fine with myself.

I've given talks at Fortune 500 corporations, have traveled widely, and my dress is simple, butch and completely me. Sure, I face a lot of butch hostility out in the world, but I really don't care. I do not aim to please, male please or sex conform outside who I really am.

To me, it is the power of the inner life that goes out into the world. I am a proud non-gender conforming lesbian, and I am proud of the word lesbian. I am not queer, I am not the alphabet soup.

This whole idea of lesbians wanting to cut up their bodies to transition is medically dangerous and socially unnecessary. I love women deeply, find that my lesbian self is perfectly attractive to women, and that the power of myself keeps me fully alive in the world.

It is heaven to be a butch, and to walk confidently in a woman hating world. Men leave me alone, I can go anywhere, and if people misgender me, it really is their inability to see past the hyper-femininity of the media and the degrading images forced on women.

There is no reason for any lesbian who is a butch, and wants to be this to cut up her body. That is the patriarchy in all its medical craziness. We need to tell young women that hey, we love you just as you are, and that you don't have to pretend to be something you are not, just because the media sexualizes women.

I strongly object to the sexualization and commodification of the female body. I don't find it attractive at all, and find I see butch women as the most desirable in every way.

Be yourself and others will love you!
-- J.G.

Transwoman Murders Transman

Women who are murdered have been and remain murdered primarily by men, usually males they have known personally/intimately. Despite the incessant din chanted from Trans voices about trans people being gender role breakers, we are continually reminded by sad cases such as these, that "the vase reconstructed/houses the elusive rose." In less Plath poetics, changing sex appearance, doesnt change sex roles/natures. So regardless of the "sex changes" this man and woman made, the all too familiar case of man kills woman then kills self played out in perfect patriarchal violence against woman form.

I watched this video last night of "roman", the trans female who was murdered by her trans male neighbor/friend (lover?) made by her a few months ago. In it she seems poignantly hopeful for the future, despite painfully referring to her lesbian ex who left her when she transitioned and who is now happy with a new lesbian lover and yet despite other hardships she had endured in the recent past. But thanks to the brutal mortal violence committed against her by a man, regardless of his transwomanness, that future and anything good it might have held is now over.

We can only be reminded of the old adage the more things change, the more things stay the same, including male violence against women.


Trans Trending-Who is Transitioning & the Violence Against Lesbians

zakistetson-Age 15

mirrormirrorftm-Age 19

THE14CK-Age (young)

Dario lopez-Age 21

sam mora-Age (young)

KadenMonsterr-Age (early 20's)

Speakingyeah-Age 23

necessaryfish-Age 22

Vicent-Age 20

A couple of days ago I had a bit of a squabble with several straight radfem friends, when I corrected one for using transwomen as opposed to trans male when referring to autogynephiles. The quibble was two fold, on one hand while neither were particularly thrilled with using transwomen to describe males in transition, they see it as a lesser evil than being verbally attacked by trans males for doing so. And on the other hand they didnt see the clear and present danger to the legal legitimacy of "woman", or more importantly the violence that legitimacy is doing to lesbians just like the some of those we see here. And make no bones about it, whenever and in any way that the masturbatory fantasies of autogynephiles are upheld even in the meagerest of circumstance, that is a direct act of violence against lesbians, who are after all, women too.

That violence is as real as a hard cock shoved into an unwilling vagina, a closed fist hammered into a frightened face, feet crippled and deformed from years of performing for the Male Gaze, baby clitoris's hacked with dulled rusty knife blades and a myriad of any other sick violent acts committed against girls and women every day. A REAL violence, that isnt only scarring physically and emotionally for a lifetime, but threatening the near future extinction of a whole group of females.

Remember these female bodies, the next time you use terms transwoman/women, because if and when you do, it is a clear indication that you support this violence against lesbians. 


The dirt from Dirt: Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned & other Stories

The dirt from Dirt: Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned & other Stories: In recent years, we in or around any aspect of the queer alphabet soup have been inundated with accounts of why folks are or have transition...

Patriarchy's Concerted Efforts to Destroy the Lesbian Menace

The greatest female threat to hetero-patriarchy has long been lesbians. Lesbians defy hetero-patriarchy on several critical levels; our attractions, our energies and our powers are all given to or center around other lesbian women. Hetero-patriarchy has tried ignoring our presence, they have tried raping us straight, they have jailed us, confined us to mental asylums, they have given us electro-shock therapy, drugged us into oblivion, burned us as witches, tortured us as heretics and crucified us as spawns of Satan, yet we have always persevered. The Gender Straight Jacket has played a crucial role in much of the persecution of lesbians, because lesbians by our very nature often function outside the Gender Straight Jacket, making us (those close to us) visible targets.

Today lesbians are facing greater monsters than all the years past, monsters that arent found in dark alley ways, or dimly light streets, but monstrous messages glaring up at us from every billboard, tv show, movie, commercial, magazine rack and woman in the street. No, we're facing a tightening of the Gender Straight Jacket the likes of which has never been seen before (in so many places and so many times) in all of history. Hyper-femininity is that monster, patriarchy's cruel and severe backlash against early feminist gains created to rein women back into their proper place of performing for the masturbatory Male Gaze. A gaze men both demand and in some cases fetishize all in effort to appease their dicks or whats left of them as the case may be.
All creating a sick internalization of what it means to be a woman BASED solely on a male organ, and I am not talking about the liver! Lesbian is being co-opted by these hyper-feminized male fetishizers twisting and turning young lesbians against each other and against themselves. Young lesbian pride is nearly non existent. There is a deep seated shame in calling oneself a lesbian even if lesbian is completely applicable. Lesbian youth is seeking shelter from the Gender Straight Jacket storm in the worst available place, the Trans community. Seeking protection and solace from its drugs, its barbaric surgeries and its newly acquired gender laws by the very same men dictating and performing the woman/lesbian that they will never be, because she exists only in the corrupted pornographic fantasies of hetero-patriarchy. Instead of where they should be seeking shelter, examples and powerful lesbian pride, from us.

Lesbian invisibility is not merely invisibilizing lesbians, it is removing us from the planet in the guise of men. Be visible, make a difference to a lesbian whose life just might depend totally on YOU.


Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned by Big

Hi Dirt,

Interesting question!

English is not my first language, but I try to tell my story.

I'm born in the 60's as a female and I always wanted to be a boy. I had long hair and dresses until I became 8 years old. At that point I refused to wear dresses and wanted a short haircut. After weeks of asking I got my haircut and boys clothes and since that time I really looked like a boy. I played with cars and joined the local soccer club. Nobody believed that I was a girl and I loved living as a boy.
I became older and fell in love with girls. At that time I wanted to become a real boy, with penis and everything. 
At the age of 13 I heard about lesbians for the first time and I was so happy! I could stay the way I was and still be with a girl! I continued acting like a boy, but my penis wish was gone. I didn't need one to be with a girl.

I dressed as a guy all my life and all my interests are guy things.
The first time I heard about transitioning from female to male was 14 years ago. It blew my mind and I was interested right away. I started following a few FTM's online. 
It made me think a lot, was I a man too? It was tempting to transition, but was I really transgender?

I never hated my female body. I wanted to look like a guy, but I was happy with my body and my vagina. It works very well and it's me. My urge to do guy things it more about interests and looks, it's not physical. 
I never wanted breasts, but they're there and a part of me. I don't mind them, it's just a part of my body.
They never bothered me. I would like a flat chest, but I would never remove my breasts, that idea is so wrong. I'm healthy and no way I'm gonna take testosterone or surgery to become something I can never be.

I'm very happy the way I am. I identify as a female, but it's not a big thing. It's about who I am, I'm a woman who likes guy stuff. I'm somewhere inbetween man and woman and I don't carewhat  it's called. I love the woman I became and the life I live. If I wanna wear man's underwear then I wear man's underwear. Nobody tells me what to do or who I am. It's so stereotypical to think that certain roles belong to a certain gender.
I don't identify as butch, because there are no butches where I live (Netherlands). 

Long story short: you don't have to become a guy in order to live as a guy. Life is all about freedom and you choose who you are and how you wanna live your life. You can do that as yourself, you don't have to become somebody else.


Sex Changing NOT Changing Sex

Thiswas emailed to me yesterday, from a faggot I have been having a little friendly back and forth with. I was very struck by his main point, why arent females unlearning what it is to be "women" rather than crash coursing on how to be men and why arent more of us teaching them?


The dirt from Dirt: Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned & other Stories

The dirt from Dirt: Why I HAVEN'T Transitioned & other Stories: In recent years, we in or around any aspect of the queer alphabet soup have been inundated with accounts of why folks are or have transition...

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The next part in our forensic postmortem of the mockumentary The Lost Women of NXIVM will consist of dissecting the major proponents surrou...