Being, Doing and Easing/Erasing Dysphoria

Yesterday I helped move one of my nieces, along with my niece, her mom, a male cousin, a nephew, my niece's husband and his two step sons and one of their buddies. The males along with myself did all the heavy lifting/moving. I admit that the REALLY heavy shit that required using the dolly, my cousin, nephew and I gladly left to the more than eager male youths who were helping while we congregated around each other talking about "old times" periodically in the garage. My cousin, nephew and I hung out a great deal as teenagers along with several other cousins, so the three of us yesterday each had plenty of "remember when"s as we worked.

The three young guys helping were between 18-22, all typical young men in the general sense. But unlike my male cousin and my nephew or myself even, they heaved and carried and lifted and jumped at the opportunity to lift the REALLY heavy crap to "feel" like men, particularly adult men. My nephew or my cousin, both in their 40's had long since grown out of NEEDING to "feel" like men by DOING "manly" things, and I too being in my 40's no longer required DOING to "feel" what I believed growing up as "masculine" or "male", but realized as an adult was really "butch" since I wasnt male, but a Butch female.

The DOING things, things not in accord with typical females and more in accord with typical boys while BEING female did help me personally when puberty began and dysphoria set in. Puberty changed me, it didnt change my close friends (all males) or the things I enjoyed doing with those (all male) friends. Through DOING football for instance I felt myself differently, which felt right to me. I had an awesome arm, usually quarter backed most of the football games my best buddy (the hooterman) and I put together among boys from the neighborhood and school. Playing "smear the queer" from 4th grade up through 9th grade, I also developed the ability to both take and give some mean hits. On the occasions the hooterman wanted to quarter, I had great hands and would catch the ball at any/all cost, including on my head if that what was required. DOING these things, made me FEEL "normal", I could forget about budding breast or worse, periods. Things that FELT alien, things I believe every other female FELT "normal" about, little did I know they too FELT just as ashamed, dysphoric or uncomfortable about, only for different reasons, reasons bathed in misogyny.

Playing football or basketball or cruising around with my male friends or cousins, getting into mischievous troubles with them etc, literally helped me get past feeling dysphoric, because it allowed me to FEEL myself AS myself until I was ready to just BE(ing) myself. DOING can go a long way, and I mean DOING, NOT performing, performing is empty of legitimacy, DOING helps brings legitimacy into BEING. Biology may dictate our BEING, but it has NEVER dictated our DOING. If you are a female, and DOING a sport or a job or a task or a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself, then DO it. Your sex isnt your shackle, and changing your sex isnt going to set you free. 



  1. yall fugly ass dykes are so jealous of us transdudes its retarded!

  2. Hey Dirt, loved this blog in particular as it puts a lot of things into perspective.

    I've read through a good number of your blogs and while I agree with some and disagree with others, I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

    For this reason, I want to ask where you stand on people like myself. (If you covered this before and I missed it, then I sincerely apologize in advance!)

    Now, I first want to say that I'm not against transitioning in itself, but the massive wave of people who, as BlueTraveller seems to have covered quite a bit, are those doing it specifically to appeal to other women who swoon over the 'bishie' types. Likely, these young girls are lesbians (or those who have read one too many yaoi magazines, ugh) who, unfortunately, have grown up in a world that regards masculine women and lesbians a threat. Got to love the male-driven world, haha. If it doesn't fit the male ideals of black and white, then it is 'wrong' and must be purged and so many of them feel the need to transition to fit into this 'ideal' as if that is the only way to be loved and accepted... and that is quite a shame.

  3. Anon@3:38am,

    You didnt number your comments so I deleted the others as I thought they were repeats, can you ask your question in another comment and I will answer?


  4. Anon@11:53,

    No person on the planet is "jealous" of girls/young women who HATE themselves so much they would murder their perfect bodies.


  5. Certainly! I'll try to remember to number them in the future.

    The basic question was: Where to the intersexed, like myself, fit in in this painfully binary world?
    As someone with 'both'/ambiguous genitals, do I have a choice about which sex I am? More so than 'trans' people? Does the fact that I have both genitals, even though neither of them functions in a reproductive way, mean that I would have more choice over which 'sex' i fall into than transgendereds?

    I recall reading somewhere in the comments of one of your earlier blogs, (though I don't believe that it was you who wrote it) that people who transition will never fit in because they are living lies and have a 'secret' that will exclude them forever.

    By that standard, I was born a 'lie'; born with that dirty little secret. In your opinion, does this mean that I will never be included? And does this mean that I am disgusting as well?


  6. "yall fugly ass dykes are so jealous of us transdudes its retarded!"

    Yeah your'e so right acne face. Every woman should become a narzisstic wannabe man.

  7. "yall fugly ass dykes are so jealous of us transdudes its retarded!"

    There is nothing I jealous or envy in having severe acnea, being hairy like Wolwerine (but bald like Yoda), suffering from premature ageing and having to wake-up every morning in an hybrid body with ugly scars...
    I am proud and happy of my woman body and as a straight woman ,there is no chance I even consider your morons for foreplay as you don't have the main tool to fulfill me :D
    I wish your good luck in your mental nightmare: for me you are as mentally ill as pro ana people...You think you are male but are not...
    And I don't see the point about insulting those lesbo. Lesbo date women who like women. You are not postionned on the same partner market, if I may say as the only catch you can have are freak lovers partners...

  8. Holy fuck, reading this made me realize you are a total ftm-in-heavy-denial closet case, lol. I understand now why you hate transmen so much, and obsess about having to be female. Stop lying to yourself already, it's not healthy.


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