Butch-4th grade

Circa the first few weeks of 4th grade, new school, new kids, new teachers, new rules. I knew right away the gym teacher, Mr. Timney, didn't like me. I just didn't know why and wouldn't until I was an adult. We play Dodgeball on Fridays in gym class, sometimes Mr. Timney plays on a side as well. He's around 33, over 6' and maybe 175-180 pounds, reasonably fit. It’s obvious he prefers females to males, even as a 4th grader I could see that, except for me, he doesn't prefer me. When he plays Dodgeball he lobs the ball at the girls feet in order to try and get them out. If aiming for a boy, he winds the ball up and gives it his all, as if the power he puts behind the ball could not only force the boy out but obliterate him from the planet.

We play Dodgeball with a set of three balls, two larger more difficult to handle balls (especially with our small hands) and a smaller ball (which we can palm/handle). I'm pretty good, quick, agile and I throw hard and accurate. Its maybe a month into 4th grade, Timney is on a team, I'm on the opposite. It comes down to him and I. I have no balls, he gets his hands on the small ball. He looks me dead in the eye and says “If you're going to act like a boy, I'm going to treat you like boy”! Before I can contemplate the meaning of his words, he throws the ball at my head as hard as he can.

This is the ground I grew up on, where I recognize nothing. I'm looking everywhere for me, I look high, I look low, I look out into the mirror of society and like Dracula before me I see nothing. That’s it then, I'm a vampire, only instead of filling myself with the blood of others, this burden of invisibility is filled with the blood of myself. That’s where you come in. Amazingly, YOU see me! No one else does, but you do. It is through your eyes, the eyes of the Femme that I finally find my reflection! Through your eyes, I learn for the first time, I exist! You give me back to me, and in handfuls and mouthfuls we give each other back. But invisibility is a hungry tireless beast, and when you place your hand in mine and we step together into the world, my invisibility joins with yours, invisiblizing us both.

Oh and btw Mr. Timney got his ball caught by a 4th grade girl for the first time and lost the game, I pray it wasn't the last.



  1. I love this. ~a grown-up ftm.

  2. wow, what a moving piece. Mr. Timney was a complete douche.

    Glad you're doing some reposts!

  3. Catching always seemed too risky to me in dodgeball; too much danger for not enough reward. Sure, there was a chance to instantly get someone out but I was fast and tiny enough that I could almost always outsurvive that person, anyway, given enough time. I always went with inevitability over seizing the day. Just fit my personality. Always been envious of you catching types though!

  4. People are so ultimately threatened by diversity. This Timney asstard not the first, sadly not the last. Glad you caught the ball. Showed him.

  5. Ah, good! I was reading some earlier posts of yours and realize why you think I'm not a true femme--because by your definition, I'm not. I don't know what I am then but interestingly enough even though my appearance has always been feminine/regular gal I've always been more heavily approached by bi-curious women than by butch women (to my frustration when I was single). Lipstick lesbians, too. I think I'm seeing now that I was safe to the bi curious at first--maybe later they would come to you, but first me. If you knew how many women I was a first for, you wouldn't believe it. With me they could talk about their men, their children, mommy stuff and typical woman stuff and I can totally flow with the conversation--and eventually they can blurt out they're bi and we can have awkward relations until they feel ready for you (or feel they've satisfied their curiosities enough). Thinking back, the majority of women I've ever been intimate with in the past were first timers with a bi curiosity and the occassional lipstick lesbian. Only one time before my partner was it ever not that way. I was ok with it, but felt more attraction to a different type. My partner mostly meets your definition of butch--at any rate, she's only been with women she feels are femmes. Other than her, butch women mostly wouldn't go for me and I guess maybe they were picking up the wrong energy? I don't know.

    Anyway, thanks for the re-post and g'night!

  6. why cant you just post stuff like this? i actually really enjoyed this

  7. @Dirt : those FTM kids are so childish. I came across this mix video they made about you : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkMk8xZf-0g

    I don't understand why those FTM targets you. It looks like they target the messenger of the bad news. I suspect most of them don't even read your blog and are taken in a viral hate spiral against you and your blog without reading it and so making their own mind about it.

    Here is a summary for those kids who don't read this blog and attack it or you without reading it.
    This blog is made of the following topics:
    *40% of the posts on your blog are dedicated to butch identity & culture only regardless of transculture.
    *20% of the posts deals with important community issues like : having transmale going into lesbian or gay places, having transguy taking lesbo job positions, transmale and bio gay males, the role and silencing of transpartners...In other words, they explain why there is a need for discussion between the LGB and the T to see if nowadays our interests are in line or not...
    *40% of the other posts deals with FTM (or MTF) transition. Those posts are fact based and state the the truth : they explain why top surgeries leave awful scars, why FTM have no way to pass at the swimming pool or the gym. It shows that 90% of transguys on youtube develop a baldness pattern obvious after 2-3 years on T related issues
    (cancer and fibro). It shows that the transculture is so narrow it presents some cult-like characteristics. It questions the need for transition or not and raises important questions any trans in the making should ask himself not to do the biggest mistake of his life.

    I am sorry but as FTM are concerned by the last two type of posts, I don't see why questioning the LGQ and T policy is hateful. I don't see neither why questioning transition choice, giving alternatives and warning people about the consequences of surgeries or taking high hormorn is hateful.

    So I still don't understand why those kids behave like this. If any grown up FTM read those lines, can you explain why they derivate their frustration and anger towards Dirt ?

  8. To Anon who said...
    "why cant you JUST post stuff like this? i ACTUALLY really enjoyed this"
    November 9, 2010 1:21 AM

    This was a great post and re-post. Sounds like you are new to the blog. Read it before you critique it. Your comment about JUST posting "stuff like this" seems like you take issue with Dirt's common-sense rebuttal of the self-hating woman-hating transsexual mental disorder. Seems like you are missing the message. Read more posts before you tell someone to restrain their message, and if you still offer that critique, provide reasons you make that censorial judgement.

  9. To the last two Anon's,

    They dont bother to read, as is indicated by this group here:

    They are all about "reporting" my blog, trying to hack into my email or this blog itself (yes both incidents were reported to the proper authorities), praying I kill myself, wanting to do violence against me, all this with most of them admitting they could only read a few lines!

    They dont read, they have no interest in reading, they are young, immature and in the midst of some serious mental issues so they only want to bully and silence.

    Think of the "mean girls" only mean girls on a powerful drug that is known to cause aggression. This stuff is classic female bullying.

    And hey, that usually works with another girl, but I'm no girl, I'm a grown woman with a view from the hill.

    I've been sending blogger every link I'm aware of that indicates the call for mass reporting of my blog strictly as a means of shutting the blog down because these kids (who've read nothing) dont like it or their friends dont like it. If anyone else knows of any links calling for the closing of this blog, let me know so I can pass them on.


  10. "Think of the "mean girls" only mean girls on a powerful drug that is known to cause aggression."

    Estrogen infused bodies on mass doses of testosterone and testosterone bodies on mass doses of Estrogen are just not pretty.
    I swear I only go to Pam's and Bilerco now to watch the trannys fight.
    You can't make this shit up. Stranger than fiction.

  11. I read selectivley as im sure you all do as well, and with some things i agree and disagree.
    So yes i "Actually" enjoyed this.
    I would like to learn more about the Butch culture, not about how wrong the transgender culture is every other blog. I myself love the entire LGBTQ community, and would like to learn more about every aspect of it.

    This was a good post. Even " A grown up FTM" was in agreence.
    Guess that says somthing about the Trans community....


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