Recent "trans" comments

About a 3rd of the comments I have received, worth posting up front for my readers to get a good look at this "community" attached to ours. The last is an email I merely tossed in.


FTM Woman Plans Dirt Attack (including where I live and real name)

From an email I received yesterday claiming to be a certain woman in one of my posts.

Another ftMISOGYNIST woman left a polite comment yesterday asking if I could remove her pic. I verified through facebook she was who she claimed to be and since there are hundreds of pics of mutilated ftM women out there and it doesnt serve a particular purpose to making my point on which I use, while I do mourn for the woman she's trying so desperately destroy, I complied and replaced her image with another.

Now as to this request I cannot and will not comply. If this ftM woman is who she says she is (and I wonder) she (her friends) are responsible for the viscous, ugly attacks/comments left here in the last three days. Attacks here, facebook, twitter, ftm-portal forum, livejournal to name a few (there is more). Had she politely asked from the get go rather than go around trying to collect a mob(typcial trans tactic btw), I would have removed it as I did Amos's, but no.

So Stephanie as I have TONS O experience in this matter let me tell you (if you are you) how this is going to play out. You write/type a letter with all pertinent info and post it (yes snail mail shephanie) to blogger. A few days later blogger receives/processes said letter. If filled out correctly, blogger will email me telling me I have to take down the image for 15 days in which time I can counter claim. I will counter claim siting fair use. They will notify you via email that you have whatever remaining days left of the 15 to file a court claim, if you do not file after the 15 days are up blogger will notify me I can put the image back up.

If you choose the court route you get to go to the Oakland County Courthouse in MY state and file your claim. Once a court date is set again Oakland County Courthouse in MY state. You can site copyright infringement and I'll defend myself with the latest changes (last august) of fair use and illustrate how I used fair use to make the image my own. If the court decides in your favour, you inform blogger of the ruling and your image stays down. If in my favour image back up. Whoever loses paying obviously the court costs usually running around a hundred or so smackers more or less.


ps Since I have received several emails/IM's/phone calls regarding my safety dont worry dirt can take care of dirt.

Butch-The Future is Ours!

I did publish your comment, but I thought this worthy of its own individual post especially given the attack this blog has taken in the last few days. I know so many lesbians are afraid to speak up when it comes to their true feelings regarding "trans" issues/"trans" lies for fear of attack. While I am conscious of what happens to those who have had a "trans" target on their backs (bailey/bindel) I am also therefore cautious. But that cautiousness will not impede on silencing me. The more boo's from the gallery the more its clear we're absolutely correct in these "trans" matters. What this group fails to see and cannot see through its pathological narcissistic narrow lens, is the future. The same pathological narcissism that deludes them into thinking this blog, my writings, my views are about THEM! I write for women and I write for the future.



ftMISOGYNIST warns other ftMISOGYNISTS not to read Dirt

Can you guess who the "massive bitch butch lesbian" is and whose blog is linked with all the warnings????? Me

I thought the last bit interesting. Attack what I write/post, but by all means just dont "read" of it!

Can the truth elicit more fear than that! Amazing!


Unethical Dr. Jill ZurAwski helps mutilate ftM women

A few emails from an ftMISOGYNIST list.

The first email is looking for info on how to get around her getting butchered but not NEEDING to be butchered as she is a healthy woman. The second is in response.

How to get one's medical ins. to cover unnecessary surgeries is a huge subject in the "trans" community.(keep in mind when they do its your tax dollars at work and your medical ins. on the rise) Its sickening enough that there are doctors our there willing to mutilate for a price, but sicker are the doctors coaching/aiding the disordered on how to get medical ins. companies to pay for those mutilations. Mutilations based in the MIND and NOT the body, so that the disordered can get mutilated right quite rather than delay for months/years while they save up money, giving them possibilities to work on their mental issues, of which many do, coming out the other side WHOLE!

But with doctors like Jill here lying for women, pretending as if they actually need to have surgery, what chance do these mentally ill women seeking such butchery have??? On top of Dr. Jill's helping in the mutilation of another woman, a woman who is physically healthy, she places this woman in the "cancer ward" to take up a fucking bed of someone who REALLY is physically fucking ill/dying!!!!!! This is beyond fucking wrong!!!!! This Dr. took a fucking OATH to ethically practice medicine! There is nothing fucking ethical about performing surgery on those who do not NEED surgery! Not to mention it is LEGALLY fucking wrong!

Please hold this sick fucking Dr. responsible for her fucking crimes. Do NOT let her do this to another woman! While its debatable whether her sick fucking misogynistic behavior would be deemed medical misconduct by the medical establishment there is no doubt the respondent's medical ins company wont take things so kindly.

Here is the name and number to the respondent's medical ins.

Turn this sick unethical bitch in!

Believe me you, I fucking did!


Dirt's 4th Weekend Women's Day of Remembrance

Two more ftMISOGYNYST victims of the women HATING medical establishment!



Trannification-the ultimate lie

your friendly

FGM-FTM see the difference? Me either!

I must say I find it ironic some UKians are in an uproar regarding FGM yet remain in complete silence (or worse support) about the female genital mutilations of ftM's! Stands to reason the UK government refuses to enforce laws stopping FGM's because if it actually worked to stymie this mutilation misogyny, the NHS (national health) would place itself into a situation where it would need to follow suit and halt the mutilations being performed on ftM women, because basically they amount to the very same thing and are a product of the very same thing: MISOGYNY!


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Dirt's 3rd Weekend Women's Day of Remembrance

Fair use capped.

If a woman friend/lover/aunt/cousin/sister/mother/niece told you she was going to murder herself would you try and stop her or hand her the bullet?

Supporting trannification of women is supporting the murder of women. Bystanding in the face of ftMISOGYNY is ignoring women murdering themselves.





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The Problem with Butch Othering (last part)

Most Butch women will always have moments of not feeling quite right during sex because of the years othering has kept them a part from their bodies/hating their bodies. Unothering ourselves back into the Butch women we are takes years, patience and love...

Othering largely encompasses the entirety of a Butch's life and the othering that takes place usually takes its shape in some form of male. From the "tomBOY" we start out being othered with throughout our youth, to the "manly/mannish" dykes we're often referred to and ostracized with by the general lesbian community, to our being embraced in the Femme/Butch community as "masculine", All male all the time remaining forever unseen and unrecognized Butch othering far far too often even when with the best of intentions equals male, and that equaling only goes to further distance Butches from themselves as women and as lesbians even. Butch male othering in certain light, hetersexualizes the Butch/Femme relationship creating a gulf between Butch and lesbian which only goes to emphasize the gulf between Butch and woman.

While this easily could run an entire post (or more) I'd like to briefly mention a little more on the "best of intentions". Let me say first I cannot even begin to contemplate the many juggling acts a Femme finds herself having to perform in trying to figure Butches out and I thoroughly sympathize with what surely all Femmes go through/put up with for the love of Butches. But the sad simple truth is Femmes are in the dark about Butches nearly as much as everyone else. And I am not blaming, its merely a fact stemming from the result of Butch othering/Butch invisibility.

Femme's learn Butch through dating Butches, but this learning at best is braille with whole portions of the braille bumps missing! Its literally and figuratively feeling in the dark. But one thing she does know is Butches until her, were never made to feel good about being Butch. This is something she desires to do for them as a Femme lover as well as something she knows her Butch needs her to do having never had it. But because Butch othering largely equals male, the way most Femmes go about making a Butch feel good about being Butch is through the use of masculine terms/references. You cannot read anywhere regarding Butch where the male term "masculine" isn't applied! While this isn't meant as an insult from Femmes or the Femme/Butch community, its does aid in the continuance of Butch othering, not to mention it is inaccurate as a Butch descriptor. Butches are NOT MEN, therefore Butches cannot be MASCULINE!

Perpetuating Butch as masculine sets up a hetero male/female power dynamic conducive to producing sexism between Femmes and Butches and reinforces internalized misogyny within both Femmes and Butches. It is my personal contention that the heterosexualizing of Femme/Butch relationships partly leads to "lesbian bed death" within those relationships. The HUGEST mistake in any Femme/Butch coupling made is someone/s forget that they are lesbian!

And none of this is to say I'm against a certain amount of "playing" romantically, I'm not and this isn't. I think Femmes and Butches have distinct sexualities, sexualities inflamed by certain kinds of play. I don't think it is male/masculine/hetero for a Butch to strap and get turned on by her Femme lover sucking her cock (and calling it a cock), so long as both parties NEVER forget its "play". Sex is one of the few places adults can still comfortably pretend in and I'm not trying to change that. I do however think when a Butch internalizes "masculine" references for certain parts of her anatomy to the point she can no longer identify her breast as breast, her clit as clit or her pussy as pussy without HUGE feelings of shame, there's a problem. And that problem is a result of Butch othering.

There has been plenty O talk in plenty O Femme/Butch spaces through the years about how Butches redefine "masculinity", my question is if Butches are women why isn't it femininity we redefine??? Why are we instead put into a male category of being with which to redefine?? Shouldn't we leave that to the men? How did this become our problem as Butches? I maintain because of our being othered from the start. As I said we were othered right out of being female practically right out of the fucking womb! Hetero-Patriarchy defines femininity and hetero-patriarchy judges which women qualify to be situated within the gates of  femininity i.e. which women are worthy of view for the masturbatory gaze or just plain which women are fuckable.

We have little power as a small sub community of lesbians (femme/butch) to influence the huge hetero-patriarchal machine, but why aren't we challenging and changing what we can within our own community, especially with the HUGE amounts of shame and dysfunction running clean through it? Why are we perpetuating "masculine" as the ultimate Butch descriptor and compliment? Why aren't we instead dismantling the severe misogyny attached to the reason we attach "masculine" as a descriptor and compliment to Butches? Why aren't we stretching femininity to include Butches (because we are female are we not?)  in order to help put a stop Butch othering? Why are we not exploring a Butch femininity? Because within that exploration I'm sure we would discover and UNOTHER together Butch as female, Butch as girl, Butch as woman period!!!



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The Problem with Butch Othering pt 2

So here I found myself once again othered because in a community I most certainly belonged in as a Butch, I didnt belong in because I failed to "present" myself as male and failed to acknowledge other Butch women as male!....

This is why othering is problematic for Butches, because while we start out being othered in a cutesy kinda way with the "tomBOY" term, we eventually get othered right out of female altogether! There has always been tragic ramifications from our othering; emotional, physical and sexual. Those ramifications have now become not simply tragic, but dire, due to an ignorant medical establishment hell bent on profit and conformity conforming through drugs and mutilations, the "othered".

Othering harms first emotionally, usually through Butch invisibility. Young Butch girls other themselves because they do not see themselves among the crowd or anywhere for that matter. No billboard has them in the latest jeans or drinking the latest soda, no television show stars them or even has them as extras off to the side, they grace the covers of no magazine (lesbian mags included). There is nowhere for the baby Butch to set her little eyes upon herself anywhere. So from the start, we, Butches are the first to begin this othering process of ourselves. We know we're girls, we also know we do not like to dress or play in the typical girl manner seen, we also know we are not boys, but we do like to dress and play in many typical boy ways displayed. But if we're not quite girls and not quite boys, what are we? Answering that usually takes most of us Butches decades to answer as well as feel good about that answer (some never do).

But until the answer arrives this early othering of ourselves and the othering we receive from others begins an emotional division within us from what we are (biological girls) to what we feel we are (a boy-girl lets say-something a male cousin used to refer to me as). This doesn't really become an issue for Butches until puberty, till then Butches live in a kind of no girls-no boys-land. There is a duel denial that takes place in these early years before our teens in the sense that we can deny we're female by ignoring that we're female and through that denial process affirm ourselves as a kind of faux boy (other) while denying we're boys (cuz we know we're not). We get away with this because until puberty there is little difference physically between baby Butches and boys. We have a vag and they have a peen, both are body parts that remain unseen, therefore play into our denial. We can be in our minds, girls that aren't girls and not quite boys i.e. others. This emotional juggling and confusion about who and what we are soon catches up with us devastating us when nature has her say and denial is no longer an option.

This reality check occurs when puberty hits and our bodies begin physically changing into young women's bodies. Defined by growing breasts, body hair and periods. Most girls look forward to this growth process because most girls can begin doing what they have been conditioned to do from birth, perform for the male sexual gaze. For Butch girls this growth process is a nightmare. Because almost over night, literally, we at least, to ourselves become less othered and more female. We cannot stop our bodies from changing into the bodies of women. Because this happens so fast we are emotionally unable to handle it in any productive way and have nowhere turn to because we do not exist as Butches to those around us. We become depressed, repressed and often withdrawn. All of these aspects and more can and remain with us unresolved for decades. We feel as though our very own bodies betrayed us in some way. Through this perceived betrayal our body then becomes our number one enemy!

Many Butches will take action against their body in the form of eating disorders, cutting, attempted suicides, drugs and alcohol abuse, punching/hitting our bodies or further emotionally distancing ourselves from our bodies. Pretending our body is just this thing we live in, not really and truly us. The aggregate from the ramifications of our othering up to this point comes full circle when we begin having relationships with other lesbian women. Like puberty our body comes back to haunt us, only this time through the horrors of sex.

The difficulties of a sexual relationship with another woman are two-fold for most Butches. First, because of the emotional distancing othering creates between Butches and themselves other emotional gulfs ensue forming between them and the rest of the world (emotional intimacy issues). Secondly, the mind/body split produced by othering makes it nearly impossible for Butches to feel totally comfortable sexually with another woman (physical intimacy).

I could easily devote a whole post two or three on Butch sexuality but since that isn't my primary focus for this subject I'll be brief. Sex for women is a very complex emotional and physical experience that when right can lead to a level of intimacy known only to women. Butches from the start of their first lesbian relationships are greatly hindered from that possibility because othering has hurt them both emotionally and physically. Because of the distance Butches put between themselves and their bodies, allowing another woman to make love to them is often terrifying and uncomfortable. Because this clearly signifies to the Butch that that "other" place they have lived for so long, that no womans/no mans land IS in fact woman's land. That is a very scary place to be, because despite being women Butches have lived most of their time as other, woman remains unknown to them. And we always fear the unknown, even if what is unknown lies within us.

A good partner makes all the difference when it comes to Butches working through these issues. But sadly quite often what happens is, the partner recognizes how uncomfortable their Butch partner is and rather than deal with the intimacy issues at hand, makes adjustments both emotional and physical to accommodate the Butch. This is how the "stone butch" is born. The Femme/Butch community as a whole makes these emotional and physical intimacy issues even worse because they perpetuate these issues by ignoring them and instead legitimize "stone butch" as an identity! Stone butch if you arent familiar is a Butch woman or butch persuasioned woman who limits her partners touch, usually around her breast and vag area. Make no mistake, "stone butch" IS pathological and is a result of Butch othering, it is also something that with work can be seen through for an emotionally and physically rewarding love/sex life.

Most Butch women will always have moments of not feeling quite right during sex because of the years othering has kept them a part from their bodies/hating their bodies. Unothering ourselves back into the Butch women we are takes years, patience and love.

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The Problem with Butch Othering pt 1

Growing up Butch you futilely search every face you come across, friend, foe or stranger even, looking for yourself and tragically finding nothing. Having no reflection, other than the one you see in the mirror makes it difficult to gauge how you are perceived by others.

When I was in 10th grade, in English class, we had this awesome teacher, Doc. Cronin whom everyone just called Doc. The class largely dealt with reading tons of short stories, some plays and some poetry. Near the end of every six week marking period before a "big test", Doc would have us play what basically was English Jeopardy, like the game show, covering in a fun way all we had read up to that point. When we played this study game it was from the start, boys against the girls and from the start the boys claimed me for their team. When the male score keeper went to the chalk board he wrote girls with a line drawn down the middle, then he wrote on the other side of the line Men plus Beaker, Beaker had been my nickname since 6th grade. So thats how I was viewed then, not as a girl or as a boy but as an other. Seen as too much of both I guess to fit comfortably in either.

I was twenty when I realized/admitted I was a lesbian. Knowing little about lesbians other than they naturally are attracted to and fall in love with other lesbians, I went learning about lesbians. I read everything I could get my hands on, from "her/story" to crap lesbian fiction and everything in between. I quickly learned I was a Butch lesbian. I youthfully with eagerness and zeal embraced this word that was the name for my nature, that I never knew before. I was Butch, a Butch, Butch. Part of the thrill of having this word Butch and owning my butchness was now I no longer was an "other", I was a Butch! But all too soon I learned through reading and lesbian life, Butch was an "other"! I was STILL an "other"!!! Actually the lesbian community viewed me as worse than an "other", they viewed and treated me as MALE, period!!!

The Femme/Butch community I didnt find till my early thirties, and ignorantly believed with that find that finally my "othering" would cease and I would be seen and embraced as the Butch lesbian I was. Wrong. Maybe had I been ten years older and discovered the Femme/Butch community twenty years before, things might for a spell had been different. But my discovering the Femme/Butch community coincided with post modernism's toxic injection into queer theory spreading its patriarchal adhered to rigid gendered norms throughout the body of all gay and lesbian communities, Femme/Butch included.

So from my start into the Femme/Butch community it was all about how alike Butch women were with men, how "masculine" Butch women were and how the more a Butch "acted" like a man, the butcher the Butch was! WHA??? I know Shakespeare said "all the worlds a stage" or some such nonsense, but I was and am a firm believer in the authentic life, especially since its the only fucking life we have! I desired to be apart of a reality based community where Butch simply meant what type of lesbian I was and signified what type of lesbian I was attracted to. I didnt sign up to be the brad pitt to some Femme's angelina, acting out some out dated non lesbian boring hetero role playing! I'm NOT a man, and Femme is NOT straight!

Spending most of my adult life working to over come several decades of the harmful misogyny I had internalized growing up, learning to appreciate the uniqueness and eventually love my Butch woman's body, I was not about to start being "he'd" in order to "feel" Butch! Nor did I feel comfortable with having the term "masculine" repeatedly applied to me no matter how many times I had heard Butches redefine "masculinity". So here I found myself once again othered because in a community I most certainly belonged in as a Butch, I didnt belong because I failed to "present" myself as male and failed to acknowledge other Butch women as male!

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Lesbian Leaves Transman and is "Harassed"

From an ftMISOGYNIST site for partners of ftMISOGYNIST.

I find it unbelievably frightening and nauseating how often Femme lesbians are expected to "adjust" to their g/f trannifying! These ftMISOGYNISTS expect "male privilege" right out of the fucking gate and that their little Femme woman should subjugate herself for their new found "male identity"! Are you fucking kidding me?? Umm can we say PUKE!

If these ftMISOGYNIST women actually loved their partners like so many falsely claim, they would do the hard work it takes to work towards loving themselves, their bodies and then their partners in order to have true love and true intimacy within that relationship. True love and intimacy cannot (has never) blossom(ed) and grow(n) amid pathological self hatred and other assorted mental illnesses.

That right from the start Femmes are expected to take a backseat to their partners "transition" illustrates right from the start the sexist and misogynistic attitudes and ideas the ftMISOGYNIST holds. These attitudes and ideas will only grow worse as the ftMISOGYNIST woman trannifies, which is partly why you never see any actual Femme lesbians (even those who had been in long term relationships with ftMs) stay in relationships with these types.

For as much as any true Femme is no longer going to be physically attracted to a mutilated masculinized woman's body, she is also not going to be attracted to the idea of herself as STRAIGHT nor pretzel herself into a STRAIGHT woman's life with a partner treating her as STRAIGHT! It just doesnt happen! Like we see with the post above.

Once a Femme discovers herself Femme, there is no going back. We ALL know Femmes who have left jobs, states, husbands and risked losing their children to be who they are and love the Butches they are only capable of truly falling in love with. There is such a strength in Femme it just amazes me sometimes. The last Femme I was in a relationship with had children, a husband of over a dozen years, little job skills and lived VERY affluently. She would drive 4 hours to the nearest women's bookstore just to be able to see lesbians shopping and to buy a lesbian magazine or book which she would read before heading back home then toss in the trash so she wasn't found out. How sad is that? But she met a Butch, her Femmeness kicked in and she risked everything she had, which besides her children she later admitted was nothing because what she had and lived with was pure hell and misery. She told her husband it was over she was a lesbian and could no longer live a lie. She filed for divorce, later worked out a settlement they both could live with and for the last dozen or so years lives her Femme life in Femme/Butch relationships.

To the Femme who wrote this post I give major kudos to! Good for her for being true to her Femme self! There are plenty O fucked up straight women out there who are ready and willing to date fucked up ftMISOGYNIST! At least till the next real man enters the picture!

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Dirt's 2nd Weekend Women's Day of Remembrance

ftMISOGYNY murders women!

Never forget all women "trans" HATE has murdered and continues to murder. Stop the HATRED of women, STOP the MURDERING of women! Stop supporting the HATE and MURDER of women by supporting trannification!


Christmas is the time...

Since its looking like an awesome xmas I'm feeling way festive and heading out for a day of xmas shopping with my bloods, I leave you with Dirt's all time favourite xmas tune! Enjoy!

Christmas is the time to say "I love you"

Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
And a feeling that will last all through the year

On the corner carolers are singing
There's a touch of magic in the air
From grown up to minor no one could be finer
Times are hard but no one seems to care
Christmas Eve and all the world is watching
Santa guides his reindeer through the dark
From rooftop to chimney, from Harlem to Bimini
They will find a way into your heart

Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
And a feeling that will last all through the year

Just outside the window snow is falling
But here beside the fire we share the glow
Of moonlight and brandy, sweet talk and candy
Sentiments that everyone should know
Memories of the year that lays behind us
Wishes for the year that's yet to come
And it stands to reason that good friends in season
Make you feel that life has just begun

Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say "I love you"
And a feeling that will last all through the year

So when spirits grow lighter
And hopes are shinin' brighter
Then you know that Christmas time is here


Anthem for a Butch Role Model

A snip from an email I received the other day from a Butch sister that put tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart.

I feel angry dear Butch, not at you, but at the fucking horseshit that you like so many of us Butches feel because we have been fucking robbed of ourselves our entire childhoods and teen years and often times early adulthood's then turn around and play it off likes its fucking okay! Its NOT okay! Its not okay at all! It is okay however to be mad about it and depressed about it, we dont have to apologize, there is nothing for us to apologize for!

We deserved Butch role models, not the imitation insufficient male substitutes for Butch! And deserved to see through our Butch role models, ourselves in all our possible ways of being!

We deserved to see as girls adult Butch lesbians in loving relationships with their Femmes!
We deserved to see as girls we could have a Femme partner in our future!
We deserved to see as girls we could do anything any women could do and still be Butch!
We deserved to see as girls we could do anything any man could do and still be female!
We deserved to see as girls we could be comforted by a Femme and not disappear!
We deserved to see as girls our bodies weren't our enemies!
We deserved to see as girls we didnt have to be ashamed of our bodies because they weren't male!
We deserved to see as girls men's bodies were something straight women put up with, while our Butch bodies were something Femme lesbians desired!
We deserved to see as girls it is okay for us to love our bodies!
We deserved to see as girls it is okay to let a Femme love our bodies!
We deserved to see as girls sharing our body with a Femme didnt stop us from being Butch!
We deserved to see as girls Butch wasn't just the clothes we wore on our backs!
We deserved to see as girls Butch didnt equal male, it surpassed it!
We deserved to see as girls emotional intimacy between Butches!
We deserved to see as girls Butches with greasy hands fixing cars!
We deserved to see as girls Butches cooking and hosting fabulous dinner parties!
We deserved to see as girls that Butch women could cry!
We deserved to see as girls we can be emotional and remain Butch!
We deserved to see as girls the beautiful, powerful physical and emotional strength of Butch women!
We deserved to see as girls just who we could grow up to be!


We deserve!

Anthem for a Butch Role Model Video
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My "cool" Gloves

Its right before my 4th Christmas when I see the gloves I want, the only gloves I want, not having wanted any before. My ma has been after me to pick some gloves out for Christmas. I had planned on not picking any so I don't have to wear any. I don't like wearing extras, shorts and a tee, no sox no shoes. Fine except for those cold snow driven winter months, not exactly practical. For those months I'm forced to wear long sleeves, long pants, a coat, snowmobile boots, which I hate and gloves which I hate also. Its not that I'm some uncouth backwoods raised kid where clothes are a cross between a luxury and a nuisance, that's not it at all. Its a skin thing. Like my insides, devastatingly sensitive, guts as well as personality. I cant stand things on my skin, it almost either hurts or assuredly itches. Well the snowmobile boots actually don't hurt or itch, I just hate how clumsy they make my feet. I also hate when I remove them, that beggars booty felt Xmas stocking comes out every time! So that every time I put them on again I have to put the booty back into the boot. This I have a sensitively about, because I cant always get the booty back in perfectly enough so that it doesn't annoy my toes. So I walk around clumsy and bothered.

As for gloves, gloves I don't like because they create a distance between myself and everything I touch. I am constantly having to take them off to bridge the gulf they keep creating. On off on off on off on off...But the gloves I want, well maybe they'll be worth the trouble. Why? Because I think they make me look "cool". They are black and midnight blue, black leather palms with midnight blue stitching which matches the colour of the top leather part of the gloves. They fit so they barely reach the tops of my wrists, my hands appear stockier when I'm wearing them which adds I think to the "cool" part. My ma makes no trouble for me and buys me the gloves even though they are "boys" gloves and I'm not a boy. I stopped wearing dresses when I was 2, except for once when I was three, my aunt paid me five dollars to wear a matching yellow dress with my cousin Sherry to have our picture taken together. It will be thirty years before I realize how lucky I was not to have had parents who tried to conform me to societies rigid gender norms and equally as long to appreciate that they didnt.

Cool. I aspire to coolness. I want to be cool. I want to look cool. I want to throw cool. I want to run cool. I am cool! What I know now that I didnt know then, is that "cool" for me then is another word for Butch for me now. My four year old self knows nothing of Butch, she hasn't seen Butch, she hasn't heard Butch nor in her ears has the word Butch been spoken. But cool? Yeah, that's something she knows! As I write this I wonder what words other baby Butches used in place of Butch. I feel lugubrious realizing how through using our "Butch" word we must have been misunderstood thousands of times and thousands of times over. "I cant wear that, I wont look "cool" or "tough" or "strong". Was it within our lacking the word for what we were, that as children we placed an unnecessary burden and emphasis on those externals? Externals like my "cool gloves" who had every right to a life and identity of their own simply a pair of gloves independent of whether or not my hands occupied them. Externals we used like last years jeans to be worn or discarded had we out grown them. Externals constructing the foundation for an identity that existed already only we didnt know because we had only those externals informing us, so that by the time our word reached us we were so covered in externals we looked like the child of an over protective mother sending her kid to school on the first day of winter.

I have heard often from both Femmes and Butches that Butch is something one grows into. Butch for me was something I slowly uncovered, layer by layer, stripping and ridding myself of decades of externals, so that Butch only appeared once I laid myself bare.


Butch - Fourth Grade

Circa the first few weeks of 4th grade, new school, new kids, new teachers, new rules. I knew right away the gym teacher, Mr. Timney, didn't like me. I just didn't know why and wouldn't until I was an adult. We play Dodgeball on Fridays in gym class, sometimes Mr. Timney plays on a side as well. He's around 33, over 6' and maybe 175-180 pounds, reasonably fit. It’s obvious he prefers females to males, even as a 4th grader I could see that, except for me, he doesn't prefer me. When he plays Dodgeball he lobs the ball at the girls feet in order to try and get them out. If aiming for a boy, he winds the ball up and gives it his all, as if the power he puts behind the ball could not only force the boy out but obliterate him from the planet.

We play Dodgeball with a set of three balls, two larger more difficult to handle balls (especially with our small hands) and a smaller ball (which we can palm/handle). I'm pretty good, quick, agile and I throw hard and accurate. Its maybe a month into 4th grade, Timney is on a team, I'm on the opposite. It comes down to him and I. I have no balls, he gets his hands on the small ball. He looks me dead in the eye and says “If you're going to act like a boy, I'm going to treat you like boy”! Before I can contemplate the meaning of his words, he throws the ball at my head as hard as he can.

This is the ground I grew up on, where I recognize nothing. I'm looking everywhere for me, I look high, I look low, I look out into the mirror of society and like Dracula before me I see nothing. That’s it then, I'm a vampire, only instead of filling myself with the blood of others, this burden of invisibility is filled with the blood of myself. That’s where you come in. Amazingly, YOU see me! No one else does, but you do. It is through your eyes, the eyes of the Femme that I finally find my reflection! Through your eyes, I learn for the first time, I exist! You give me back to me, and in handfuls and mouthfuls we give each other back. But invisibility is a hungry tireless beast, and when you place your hand in mine and we step together into the world, my invisibility invisiblizes us both.

Oh and btw Mr. Timney got his ball caught by a 4th grade girl for the first time and lost the game, I pray it wasn't the last.


The Necessity of Femme Butch Friendships

Having plans to meet a fairly new (hilarious) Femme friend for coffee tomorrow whom I spent a fun filled day with a few weeks ago, got me thinking about the importance of Femme Butch friendships.

The first relationship I had lasted over 9 years, it was with a feminine woman, but knowing Femme now, I know she was no Femme, merely feminine. Needless to say, clearly that's why there was no spark from beginning to end. But I digress, the lesbian friends we had as a couple were largely her friends. Not a Femme or Butch among them. By today's standards her group would be considered L Word dykes, at the time I called them the 90210 dyke pack, same thing, different decade. While I have no complaints against them as women or even as general friends; I still felt that as friends there was something lacking. I had a nagging feeling the thing missing with those friendships was the very same thing missing from my relationship, only at the time I didn't know exactly what that was.

After that relationship ended, I briefly dated a series of Femmes, from the first date with the first one, I KNEW what was missing from my life! Through a few of them I got acquainted with the online world of "butch/femme" and haven't looked back since. While my persistent insistence that Butch is solely female and not "male" has branded me with the mark of Lilith, alienating me from many Femme/Butch spaces, spaces no longer filled with Femme/Butch presences. But despite that, I'm still fortunate to have a few Femme/Butch friends and be a part of a small Femme/Butch lesbian group. Going through a rough patch a month or so ago now, I felt so cared for by a few select Femmes, Femmes that literally made ALL the difference to me as a Butch. Nothing romantic, just the presence of Femme. Having felt myself to be living in shade for months, they were the sun, they are the sun.

Thats the thing I'm talking about, its something Femmes and Butches do for each other that no others can. Its the knowing, I think. I like the knowing. I don't have to explain anything when I'm with or talking to another Butch or a Femme. There is this beautiful sorta secret bubble we Femmes and Butches exist in when together. Like hanging out with a Femme and excusing yourself (if Butch) to go to the bathroom, they immediately ask "do you want me to come with"? I love that! Because they know!

When I picked up my Femme friend from her hotel a few weeks ago to hangout and show her around town while her Butch partner was here on business, her Butch politely called and asked to be introduced to me (on the phone) since we weren't able to meet in person. And it was a really nice, polite "meeting". Nothing worrisome or jealous, just one Butch thanking another Butch for kindly seeing to it that their Femme enjoyed her day while her Butch was busy at work. As a Butch WOMAN there is a sweetness there that no woman NOT Femme or Butch could ever comprehend and no Butch who doesnt value herself as a woman could ever appreciate in another Butch. Its subtle, it is also the ocean.

I didnt know what I was missing before I found Femme/Butch, but it is clear once you find it, it is something you cannot ever go without again, and I've heard that from nearly every Femme and Butch I've known. We have our family, we have co-worker friends, we have straight friends and lesbians friends, but all those combined pale to even one Femme or Butch friend. Those friendships are necessary to ALL Femmes and Butches and personally I feel it would be death without them!

I was personally invited to a new online Femme/Butch group by a sexy Femme who "reads" my "blog", just yesterday. Feeling a bit down and tired from having worked most of the night before, between that invite and her saying how much she "appreciates real Butch women" I was lit up like the multitude of xmas trees being light up all over the world this month.


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ftMisogynist Q&A

From a comment to one of my you-tubes.

Umm Bell, you are correct, a female uncomfortable with her body is not "misogynistic", its internalized misogyny based in patriarchy. And I find it difficult to believe there are adult women who are trannifying themselves and yet being "forced to dress and act a certain way". While sadly most children are forced to dress according to their parents wishes, teens begin having a say and most certainly adults have say. Not to mention Bell, that dress and acting dont make one a male or a female, only biology does that.

Bell, I dont doubt there are probably some very nice ftMisogynist out there, but Bell, they're NOT "guys". They are very mentally disturbed women regularly injecting themselves with synthetic male hormones and or having various body parts that patriarchy sexualizes mutilated. I dare any one of them to have a DNA test done and see what sex it comes back as.

Hope that clears things up for you Bell.

holiday cheers


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Dirt's 1st Weekend Women's Day of Remembrance

Since no one else seems to be mourning the female victims of ftM "transition" I thought I would start a weekly weekend day of mourning featuring the victims of ftMisogyny. Patriarchy: where there are more ways to murder women than to clothe and feed the poor.

Transition equals MURDER!

Dont mind the festive decorations of our first two victims pics, necessary I'm afraid to stay within the guidelines of the fair use act.
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ftM Transgender Pedophile Caught

Emailed to me last night.

Guess this occurred a month or so ago, big shocker it wasn't made mention in any of the major "trans" forums/journals/blogs etc.

For a sickeningly thorough account go here.

As I think I covered much of this yesterday, I'll leave it at that.


Pretend Lesbians what are they good for?

Hope you dont mind my capping this Margaret but I have been saying this for fucking YEARS and couldnt agree more!
No lesbian alive would encourage, stand by or stay with a trannified lesbian, none! I in all my years have yet to see a single one.

And I have seen this proven true again and again and again within the Femme/Butch community. It starts with these fucked up hetero women (and I'm being kind by calling them women) entering into relationships with Butch women, depending how uncomfortable the Butch is with herself either enabling said Butch with the use of male pronouns or heteroizing the relationship to the point said Butch seemingly on her own starts using male pronouns. From there its a short ride on the short bus to trannyland by way of drugs and body mutilations! And from there its a hop, skip and a jump back to actual men leaving the former Butch a drugged up mutilated lusus naturae! That is of course depending on how much coin former Butch is bringing in, cuz I've seen that scenario too! Some ftM women are WORTH staying with!

My only hope at this point with sooo many ftMs out there these disturbed straight women will go right for them and leave Butch women the fuck alone!


Transgenderism: The New Improved Landscape of Pedophilia

A recent comment from a lesbian sister. Thanks btw MA for this info.

I agree MA, I would be suspect of ANY Mtf male trying to work with youths period or ANY ftM females who after their indoctrination into "T" began exhibiting ANY kind of pedophilic interests/behaviours.

Strictly speaking about female victims of childhood sexual abuse; once upon a time many of those victims when they began maturing into women would do whatever they could to make themselves unattractive to the male gaze. This would sometimes take the form of dressing down or less feminine to/as well as gaining weight to keep a certain distance between them and other people, particularly men if they were straight. This usually worked as both men and women are taught by patriarchy that "fat" combined with woman is the ugliest thing known to MAN.
A prime example of this would be say an Andrea Dworkin:

But once upon a time isnt today, post "T", when sexually abused women can go a completely different route and rather than make themselves into socially "ugly women" to repulse the male privileged advances of men making themselves instead into "men" looking something like this:

While going against hetero-patriarchy's standards of beauty didnt heal the damage done to those once upon a time sexually abused women, it didnt open up the possibility of harming others. It was a self contained masochistic way of dealing with their pain, rightly or wrongly so. In this new fangled post pro drug and mutilate yourself into a monstrosity world, potent harmful drugs such as "T" which physically alter the structure of the brain thereby mind alter, leave the door wide open for ftM women who have been sexually abused as little girls to extend their abuse, like the men they convince themselves they want to be, onto other children. And chillingly the male privilege that accompanies the changes from these drugs and mutilations puts these ftM women in the position to obtain places of power and trust!

Trannification is not the answer to sexual abuse, it can only lead to a more troubled person with the possibility to trouble others.


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Frieda Hughes The Book of Mirrors

I want to thank my dear friend the english poet Morney Wilson for this wonderful wonderful surprise that awaited me this afternoon when I came home. It is a treasure, as are words.

For Nick

The sun rises and sets
In spite of your absence,
Oblivious of our separation by death
Or your part in my evolution.
But your shadow remains
As if you never left; its mine now.

I would never have given you up
Except that you were borrowed;
To be returned to the primal clay.
Had I known that each day
Counted you off like fingers
I might have mourned sooner
The idea of impending loss.
It would have eroded
The years I thought we'd share;
That necessary ignorance was bliss
Reassuring me that nothing was amiss.

But you remain alive for me;
I hear you speak as you commit
The mundane actions of a day; you eat; you sleep;
You exist-an echo from the walls
Of every room I occupy.
The recollection of your voice
Plucks at the sinew of the instrument
I have become for you. That music
Argues with the loss of presence
That your ashes signify;
And our sibling shadows dance.


Besides the "nick" poems I've only had a moment to skim the book, but you're right, its her best and it shows. I found myself immediately struggling to read the "nick" poems through fits of tears, and feel a bit ashamed that when I read of his death my only thoughts we're with regard to the feelings of the dead, until you mentioned it in email recently, I too had forgot the living.


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