Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: Part 2: So Many ASSes

As a follow up to our previous post entitled Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: AKA the Seven ASSes, we wanted to follow up with 2 other subtypes of Straightbian, both of whom may likely have significant overlap with some of the previously described 7 subtypes.

Additionally, although this should go without saying, obviously it needs to be said anyway, based on comments we have received:

Of course, some just-plain-straight females (not Straightbian posers claiming to be Lesbian, but straight-up heterosexual females) may share characteristics that fall into one or more of these archetypes. That makes sense, since both just-plain-straight females and Straightbians share a VERY important characteristic: THEY ARE STRAIGHT, but always remember: we are never going to be talking about straight women unless they are impacting upon Lesbians in some way

So, before you comment, "I know a straight female who likes Tarot", please stop and remember that unless she is a STRAIGHTBIAN, we are not talking about her, nor denying her existence. She is simply irrelevant to this topic.
 Without further ado, here are 2 follow-up ASSes to add to our previous Assorted STRAIGHTBIAN Subtypes:

8). White Picket Fence and 2 Children In The Suburbs Straightbian: The White Picket Fence (WPF) Straightbian just wants to fit in, to be "normal" (in the eyes of society), yet still retaining her Straightbian status due to her own pathology.

This Straightbian will say that there is absolutely no difference between herself and her soccer-mom neighbor, except who she is in a relationship with- (and, actually, she is right about that...because they are BOTH STRAIGHT!).

"We're all the same", White Picket Fence loves to say, "Why label people?" Because "Love is Love", after all! "We're all human, why create all of these unnecessary divisions?", WPF thinks, shaking her head.

The White Picket Fence Straightbian loves this cup and carries it everywhere because, gosh darn it, we are all just HUMAN, now aren't we?:

The White Picket Fence Straightbian cares very much about appearances and fitting in with society's expectations.

She is in a relationship with another female (either another White Picket Fence Straightbian or a Lesbian who can pass as Straight) but, by golly, she and her partner are going to FIT IN OR BUST:

House in the suburbs? Check!
Golden Retriever? Check!
Volvo? Check!
Casually rumpled, but subtly elegant, decor? Check!
White wedding? Check!
2 adorable children? Check!
Picture-perfect holidays? Check!
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

On social media, she will call herself something like "just2mommies2kidsand1goldenretriever"; she will follow only others exactly like herself, "eschewing" any real Lesbians who point out that Lesbians are actually different than straight women. So darn divisive!  LOVE IS LOVE, after all...
BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8a). Relatedly, a sub-sub (-sub...?) type of the White Picket Fence is the Sunshine and Roses Straightbian, who is an emotionally-fragile straight female who uses relentless, sugary-sweet positivity to completely escape/avoid dealing with her own issues that have led her to mistakenly believe she is a "Lesbian".

Sunshine and Roses was perhaps physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused as a child; or at least had a chaotic, disturbing home life while growing up. She likely has had very bad previous experiences/relationships with past boyfriend(s)/husband(s).

Sunshine and Roses is desperate to escape not only those bad situations, but also all of the heavy emotional baggage that she carries from those situations.

In fact, she has stuffed that baggage down so far that she actually mistakenly thinks she has left it behind.

On social media and in real life, Sunshine and Roses "eschews" all negativity and strives to keep herself forever insulated from real-world unpleasantness. Her social media posts are likely predominantly inspirational memes and/or cutesy GIFs and/or dreamy "Peace, Love, and Harmony" sentiments, and/or heartbroken laments about "Why is there so much strife in the world?".

Sunshine and Roses may not even attempt to embark upon a relationship, preferring to call herself a "Lesbian" (or possibly "queer" or "LGBTQQIAAP+") without the pesky reality of dealing with another fallible and not-always-positive human being. She lives in a fantasy world, perhaps fantasizing incessantly about an idealized version of a particular singer, actor, book, movie, TV show, author, etc. She may read or even write happy-ending fan fiction to erase the unpleasant reality of how an actual storyline turned out.

Sunshine and Roses is likely to unfollow or block anyone on social media who she perceives to be "negative" or "crass" or "unpleasant" in any way. She surrounds herself with beautiful objects and frantically attempts to create harmony in a world sadly lacking it.

Sunshine and Roses is not a bad person. In fact, she is typically a good person who has been dealt a very bad hand in life. BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8b). The Urban Version of the White Picket Fence (WPF) STRAIGHTBIAN:

Like her suburban counterpart, the Urban WPF Straightbian just wants to fit in, but with a very different crowd.

The Urban WPF doesn't want the actual white picket fence of her suburban counterpart's, of course not, because that would be just too common for Urban.

No, the Urban Straightbian wants something more edgy, more "in":

Renovated loft in an old cigar factory? Check!
Assorted popular/up-and-coming Artists/Actors/Authors/Directors/Designers/Etc. as friends? Check!
Being the cool moms at the most exclusive private school available? Check!
Invitations to the most exclusive events in town? Check!
Season tickets to the local alternative theater? Check!
An amusingly pretentious Chilean chardonnay chilling for the farm-to-table dinner party? Check!
Offspring named Jayden, Ayden, Cayden, or Brayden? Check!
Transgender child? Check! 
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

9). Mean-Spirited Unbalanced Faux-Feminist Yahoo (Muffy):

Muffy often overlaps with many/all of our previous 7 Assorted Straightbian Subtypes. In fact, Muffy has likely has likely dabbled with playacting many of the subtypes at one point or another.

Muffy loves and uses social media with a vengeance. And "vengeance" is the key word here, because Muffy is one angry, hateful harpy. In fact, in her social media bios, she proudly claims to be a/an "angry, hairy Lesbian", "man-hater", "virago", "shrew", "Patriarchy-smasher", "radical Lesbian", "angry feminist", "Lesbian separatist", "woman-identified-woman" (or womyn or womon or wimmin or wimms...or any other ridiculous misspelling) and/or some similar descriptor.

On the surface, Muffy may seem to be the polar opposite of Sunshine and Roses, but these two subtypes share many common denominators; the difference between them is exposed in how their underlying issues are expressed in opposite ways. Instead of internalizing/repressing her anger/angst (as Sunshine and Roses does), Muffy externalizes her rage, spewing her hatred outward in an incessant vomitous torrent, reminiscent of the pea-soup scene from The Exorcist.

Muffy doesn't just wait for trouble to find her on social media; oh, no, not Muffy. She goes looking for trouble and when she doesn't find it, she creates it, usually by seeking out Trans males minding their own social media business. Muffy will dump a hefty shitpile on a Trans male's social media account, then when said Trans male reacts, Muffy will claim to all who are listening that SHE has been attacked! Muffy will  use these instances to convince her friends, but most importantly convince herself, that men are bad/men are angry/men are violent. Like the Transgenders she claims to hate, she too needs constant reinforcers to prove her own held warped notions of herself as Lesbian.

Like a trigger-happy bounty hunter, Muffy is always on the hunt for people she finds offensive, and when she inevitably finds someone who dares to say something she disagrees with, she tries to blow that person away with her high-caliber nastiness.

In her quest to destroy her perceived enemy/enemies, Muffy completely "eschews" all logic, listening skills, and literacy, opting instead for sheer unadulterated, completely illogical, meanness.

No insult is too low nor off-limits for Muffy. Muffy hits below the belt and is proud of it. Despite claiming to be a "feminist", Muffy regularly insults other females' looks, clothes, hair, makeup (or lack thereof), weight, age, marriage, choices, profession, ideas, words, work, etc., etc., etc. She calls Lesbians "men" without a single thought, nor care, in her venomous, vitriolic, vapid head about the potential effects of her words.

Muffy LOVES using inane memes/GIFs in the heat of battle, apparently not realizing that her memes/GIFs are as lame, illogical, nonsensical, and ineffectual as she herself is. She will then throw at least a few red herrings into the discussion, saying untrue things that make no sense whatsoever, and have nothing to do with the conversation at hand, but are intentionally designed to try to make the opponent(s) look bad and to distract from the fact that Muffy has no coherent argument. (Examples include falsely claiming that the perceived opponent(s) is/are: racist, sexist, misogynist, rape-apologist, perverted, pedophilic, etc.).

Finally, despite having deliberately sought out and started/continued the argument herself, and, despite having said absolutely false, defamatory, and despicable things to her opponent, Muffy then pretends to be the victim in the situation, falsely claiming that the other person is "bullying", or even "stalking", her. And Muffy is not above or below using a fake suicide attempt to garner sympathy and support, thereby completely nullifying any further arguments.

She will then enlist other Muffys to attack, berate, harass, block, defame, exclude, and/or report her perceived opponent(s), while basking in the shallow, brittle "sisterhood" and feel-good-for-a-minute attention afforded from being The Perpetual Victim Of The Patriarchy.
BUT she is not a Lesbian.

Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

While some STRAIGHTBIANS are clearly more dangerous to Lesbians in the individual sense, even STRAIGHTBIANS who partner with each other are dangerous to Lesbian as an idea. STRAIGHTBIANS are collectively responsible for taking the flesh-and-blood Lesbian and turning us into nothing more than an IDEA which they, warped Het Woman, flesh out through their own individual pathologies! Pathologies the Psychiatric community, for centuries have documented, diagnosed and demonized. Pathologies accepted by Het society as truth/God's word. Heterosexual Pathologies widely and readily attributed to actual Lesbians, haunting our relationships with family, friends and strangers even, all with long held preconceived IDEAS forged by STRAIGHTBIANS!

But Lesbian isnt an IDEA, we are flesh, blood and bone.

Dirt and Mrs. Dirt


  1. what percentage of female people calling themselves lesbians are straightbians vs actual lesbians? it seems really high is the imppression i get from this series.

    btw which do you think is Joan Jett?

  2. Could not some number 8's be lesbians who are unthinking idiots or have a lot of internalized homophobia?

    1. Good question, but no. Yes, Lesbians can have a lot of internalized homophobia, sure, but we don't participate in that sort of mean-girl behavior like the ones we are talking about do.

  3. You two need therapy, a hobby, volunteer jobs, & possibly Jesus. This blog has become a cringe nightmare.

    1. Anon Dec. 3 at 7:24 PM: Go find Jesus yourself, since you're the one who has nothing better to do than to troll a blog with completely inane, harebrained comments like this one.

  4. i still dont get why you write as if all lesbians are these strong totally mentally healthy women, when just as many have issues with mental health and trauma(for many reasons some overlap with straight women some don't) and are just as likely to also fall into these behaviours or patterns. Many of these are just coping mechanisms or byproducts or part of a growth process. If you mean to exclude lesbians from these descriptions and only refer to striaghtbians then why use language that could apply to anyone? Unless you really mean all lesbians are like these super women and anyone else who is less than isn't really lesbian. Trauma and coping mechanisms might have patterns but theyre not totally predictable.

    1. I think you are the same commenter as on the newer post (saying that we are saying that "all Lesbians are amazing, brilliant, strong, etc."), which I already answered, but just in case you're not the same commenter, I thought I would answer here too. Basically, my reply to the other comment was that I am puzzled because by saying that Lesbians are different than straight women, we haven't said that all lesbians are strong, brilliant, mentally healthy, etc. (etc. etc. etc.). As with ALL humans, Lesbians vary and are fallible HUMAN BEINGS, and we have never said otherwise. In fact, in other posts, Dirt has specifically addressed some of the issues Lesbians often face and deal with. Bottom line, I just don't understand the comment because we haven't said that all Lesbians are "perfect" to begin with.

  5. It doesn't make sense that you classify two women in a relationship as fakers. Why love and have children together like a couple without being one? This is just crazy. It seems to me you just don't like these women, so their relationship is fake. Sure, they might not be lesbians but just bisexual. But honestly, what do you want those women to do? Divorce? Apologize?

    1. Hun, clearly we dont give two shits if two Hets wanna hump till the cows come home. What we care about is LIES. As in calling yourself a Dyke when your biology is Het. Lesbian culture has been historically/still defined/Hetsplained by Hets! Lesbians have/are being transitioned based on those very lies.

      I presume if you're ok with that, you're fine with white supremacy,which btw has no place here either!


    2. Imagine thinking two women in a relationship are straight. Lol you're just delusional. At he end of the day no one owes it to you to prove their lesbianism or bisexuality. Besides I'm one of your "examples" they don't even SAY lesbian. If they're just two bi women together why are you so butthurt? And what does racism have to do with this? Are you just throwing buzzwords around?

    3. Sigh.

      What doesn't make sense, Madeline, is why what we are saying is such a difficult concept to comprehend.

      It is so stunningly obvious, I have to wonder why we are having to explain it.

      One more time:

      Just because a female has sex with another female (or a relationship or even a marriage)...DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A LESBIAN.

      There are a number of reasons that straight females may choose to have a relationship with another female.

      Many even admit it. (Hint: Any time you see a "lesbian" saying it's a choice to be a Lesbian...SHE IS ADMITTING THAT SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN).

      Behavior is changeable, orientation is not. Behavior DOES NOT EQUAL Orientation.


    4. What's incredibly shocking is the fact you can't grasp that I didn't say it made them lesbian. Bisexuality is NOT heterosexuality. There ISNT a reason for a truly straight woman to HAVE SEX with a woman. Do you sincerely think a hetero likes eating pussy? No, they don't. It's like you are all allergic to admiting Bisexuals exist.

      Bisexual is something your born with. Straight women don't choose to be lesbian or bi.

      Seriously, just say bi. It isn't that hard, sweeties.

  6. Sweetie—the problem with your logic is that bisexuality is a behavior not an orientation. So, nope. Behavior does not equal orientation.

    1. Bisexuality is when someone is attracted to both sexes. People don't have sex and/or love someone of the same sex when they're heterosexual. A straight woman is disgusted by female genetailia. You all are just dense and lying to yourselves.

      It makes way more sense then DURRR HURRR STRAIGHT WOMENS EAT PUSSY!!!!

      Use your brain

    2. You are all just so insecure it's unbelievable. But thanks for a look on the paranoid delusional side of life. I'm glad most lesbians aren't so quick to deny the obvious biological reality bisexuality.


    3. You need to use your brain, M, if you have one. Go eat some pussy, but doing so won’t make you a lezzie.

    4. Mad,

      Your sex obsessed comments alone prove your "bisexuality" springs (like all bisexual females) a HETEROSEXUAL female brain. That you cannot understand Lesbian brained females speaking plain simple common sense, is another Het female indicator.

      What were you Maddy when you were a fetus? Were you eating a twins pussy? Think about it hun.

      Bye BI!


  7. isn't possible that bisexuality is an orientation as well? That there is a 3rd orientation that can both be oriented to men and women? why do you think not?

    if it's not possible..bisexuals always get told the joke that they are "confused" and i think there are plenty that are genuinely confused not trying to posture or anything. Could you possibly make a post addressing women who might be genuinely confused about their sexuality[that claim to be bisexual because of the confusion, not that claim to be lesbian]? unless you don't think it's possible to be confused about it

    also I have a suggestion for another straightbian possibly: Bevjo

    1. First its flat out impossible. Second, yes we will do a post elaborating better on that. Third-thanks for the suggestion. If you wouldnt mind answering, why do YOU believe BevJo is a STRAIGHTBIAN?



Missing Person Kristin Snyder: Lost in a Sea of Myths Pt 4

Next up in our series on the The Lost Women of NXIVM mockumentary is Joseph O’Hara of Albany, NY. O'Hara was an attorney who worked fo...