Change Your World-NOT your Body

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

DeTransition-An FTM Journeys Home-In HER Own Words

I've been given permission to share some recent correspondences with a trans female who is struggling to find her way back to who she was BEFORE transition:

  • Hi! I wanted to contact you, because I'm detransitioning (going from ftm, back to female). Yesterday, I made my intentions known to my doctors, and should be starting estrogen soon to revert back physically to female. It's what I need to do for myself, but I'm scared that I won't be happy with the end results. I've been injecting testosterone for around 3 and a half years, have had top surgery, and a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy is how I really ended up on testosterone in the first place. I needed the hysto for medical reasons, it was legit, but before I was even out of the hospital my doctors were telling me I had to be on one hormone or the other. My doctor knew that I was interested in testosterone, but I had previously called them crying (before my surgery) saying I didn't know if I wanted to transition. I feel like I never had a chance to discover what being a woman was like really, because of the "issues" I had going on pre-hysto...Now I am facing the task of going back, after years of synthetic hormones/top surgery, and I am scared shitless about it. I know I'll be able to have reconstructive surgery on my breasts eventually, there are many females who have had to do so after a mastectomy for cancer, with good results. I mainly worry about how people will treat me, until I can refeminize my face, body, and fix the thinning hair issue I have because of T (talking to my doctor about finasteride for it). I feel like a feminine woman, but fear it's going to take me forever to get my body to that point. To be honest, I used to hate you and your blog. I think I misjudged your intentions. You do shoot straight from the hip, but I think you do it out of genuine care for women (like myself) who are ruining our bodies just to have to take a long hard road back. I wish I would have listened to you years ago. 
  • I'm 30 years of age. I don't blame anyone else for my idiocy. I just wish I would have learned to love myself before completely turning my life upside down with all of this. I messaged you because I'm afraid.
  • I had started living as a male in society around 19 years of age (just binding & my name changed). Previously, I had come out in the mid 1990's (at 13) as a lesbian, which wasn't well received by my Southern Baptist family. As strange as it may sound, my mother could accept having a child who was "born in the wrong body" more than she could accept having a daughter who was gay. Even now I cringe at what she's going to say to me when I tell her I'm going back, it's not going to be a good day. I....had been online for years prior looking at transitioning videos, as well as talking to trans men about their experiences. It sounds stupid now, but at the time it seemed like a good answer to some of my problems. Become a male in society, don't have as much bullshit to deal with, etc. It really is night/day how people treat you when you're perceived as male than when you're female. 
I've edited out some health issues she doesnt want made public, for the purpose of clarity I'm only including that a hysterectomy was necessary.
  • I had spoken to my doctor previously that I was strongly considering taking T, and they were ready to provide it after my hysto. I started injections four days after my surgery, while I was still an impatient. I don't blame them. I should have waited awhile, a few months without hormones wouldn't have killed me. That is the only ill will I hold against the doctors, how persistent they were that I choose right away.
I asked her why she decided to cease transition. Again, for the sake of privacy I'm leaving out some of the healthy issues that arose from injecting testosterone and including others.
  • I'm stopping transition for multiple reasons. A big one is my health. My blood pressure stays high...The doctors aren't certain why...but I wasn't having the problems until I was on T. Another reason is I'm tired of feeling numb and emotionless. I just feel like I exist most of the time. I'm tired of injections, tired of paranoia about people finding out, tired of failed relationships, and other reasons. It sucks that I have to figure out how to reclaim my womanhood internally as well as externally. I know I won't be happy until I have breast reconstruction and laser hair removal (I'm soooo thankful I never had bottom surgery).
 I asked her a few questions regarding where she is right now in detransition and had she actually had Gender Dysphoria and how her family felt once she transitioned.
  • I'm already cold turkey, until the 26th (when I see my Endocrinologist). I told them my intentions and they said to not take anything right now. I have been weaning myself off in a sense, my shots have been very sporadic over the last year. I want chest reconstruction because I want my breasts back. I know that there are females with flat chests, which is fine, I just don't think I would be happy with that in the long run. As far as dysphoria... that is a tough one. I mean I've been uncomfortable with my body since puberty, but I think a lot of females feel that way. I think my transition started out as a way to blend into society, when I was binding & had short hair I didn't look like a dyke anymore. I found comfort in being invisible after being harassed for so long. Then it all just took off from there. As far as family, I never had much of one after coming out as gay so young. My mom is about all I have left and she has been 100% on board with my ftm transition. She is the one I worry about. Other than that I am currently taking a break from my 12 year relationship, the communication just went downhill after being on T. She and I do hope to reunite in the future as a lesbian couple, but for right now we're working on ourselves. It was a mutual decision and I think it's for the best.
I told her as I have told other dykes over the years who have come to me for help with detransitioning, its a process, but one they do not have to face alone. Most dykes are aware there is a Gender War going on and most of us know our lot is being drafted in great numbers. And many of us are willing to welcome back the walking wounded and willing to give them a hand to hold till they can once again stand proud.

I applaud this lesbian for braving her way back to her lesbian roots and paving the way by example for other unhappy trans females to find their way back.

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6 comments:

  1. Best wishes and love on your journey back.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a question, maybe you could make a post about this if you haven't already: It's very painful as someone who is detransitioned/detransitioning to think that your female body has been "ruined" by transition processes, whatever they are. I read here a lot that "trans" people are "ruining" their bodies, or doing harm to themselves that is irreversible. That can instill a great feeling of hopelessness, and self loathing. Do you tell detransitioning women that their bodies are "damaged?" Is it possible to be a whole and beautiful female person who has gone through transitional processes like surgery, or hormone "therapy?" Or will non-transitioners always see us through a lens of victimhood, like our bodies or minds are permanently "wounded," or somehow not what they should be?

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  3. No. It doesnt really require additional surgery, implants or the concealment of any scar to reclaim one's femaleness.

    You never really left.

    Women are Badass. Our scars inside and out are truer medals than any awarded amongst men of folly, poison wars.

    Women never have Anything "Missing".

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just like "top surgery" and hormones never truly changed your sex... You don't *need* any particular surgery or treatment to "go back". Society may pay attention to physical markers like facial hair or chest shape, but they are NOT always true markers of your real SEX. If you're a female, you are a female. Full stop. There are hairy, flat-chested females. There are females with scars, but they are not "ruined"! Much love and respect to ALL females, in all the forms they come in. xo

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  5. I applaud your courage and honesty! This statement: "it seemed like a good answer to some of my problems. Become a male in society, don't have as much bullshit to deal with, etc." confirms my worst fears regarding the youngest generation of Lesbians. I would be interested to know why younger Lesbians are seeking to escape the bullshit rather than standing up to it, as this old dyke did in her 20s? Did Feminism not make it easier to be the kind of person, male or female, one wishes to be? Kudos to you for finding your way back to sanity.

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  6. No offense but this is why I think trans people have a mental illness. I apologize if that sounds brash, but I feel like the core of wanting to be something you're not is rooted in not accepting yourself in the first place. How society views and treats you is what you make of it regardless of surgery and hormone injections.

    I think it's crucial that doctors take this issue more seriously and people recieve the care they need to accept themselves. There are many many people who have body image issues that need to be dealt with via therapy rather than a fabricated idea of what happiness could be with "modifications". You can only go so far with modifications and be happy, but once the scars and removals have been done, there's no "un-doing" it without some visual consequences.

    Instead of conforming to a fabricated idea of male or female, just be yourself and be confident. Keep in mind people change feelings all the time. Eventually you stop wearing the clothes you wore in high school and even your thoughts and v feelings change. Finding yourself is a journey and doesn't fit a mold.

    ReplyDelete

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