Change Your World-NOT your Body

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Telling it Slant-A Legacy of Straightbian Devastation

This post is in response to responses generated (here, there and everywhere) from the post Lesbian Warning Signs You Just Might Be Dating: A Straightbian. Responses have ranged from timid agreement-fearing PC reprisals to blatant dismissiveness and slanderous accusations of biphobia/misogyny and maven misdeeds against meekster RadFems. A summary of the responses could be taken from a page (or poem) from Emily D-tell the truth but tell it slant! The trouble with that being, I am not a hermetic Rapunzelian genius carefully braiding silent word webs, nor is the Truth colourful play dough to be molded according to want, need or disorder. RadFems are the first battalion in line to RIGHTFULLY point out transgenders are NOT exempt from critical review merely because they're trans and yet RadFems will react as if you kicked their puppy for any critical analysis toward Radical Feminism/RadFem theory or hetero women collectively, regardless of the volume percentage of Truth!

In the course of just a few years, I have seen thousands of angry arguments and volatile conversations from Straightbians and the like, over their refusal (phobia) to date/fuck/partner with trans males. Outside of trans males themselves, its rare to see a woman argue against them in their choice to date whom they want. Their hetero privilege, (and it is a privilege) among other Straightbians at least, IS sacrosanct! But the moment an actual BIOLOGICAL lesbian says NO-I am a lesbian and I will only partner with other lesbians, suddenly we're biphobic exclusionist cunts! If lesbians dare to insist on REAL LIVED narratives of dyke life/dyke experience and lezbo history, completely foreign to the Straightbian (casual or serious), our tiny fractured and drastically outnumbered lesbian loving lesbian community is told (past and present) in no uncertain terms, lesbianism is a choice and lesbian culture is diaphanous!

I havent even lived a half century, but in my adulthood alone I have witnessed FIRST and secondhand lesbian pride realized and then revoked. I have read lesbian discourse that thoroughly outlined Straightbian take overs in lesbian feminist movements and have personally known lesbian feminists who attested to those facts. I also watched helpless as parts of the lesbian community were bullied, monopolized and pressured to date Straightbians regardless of attraction (women are above objectifying women and should never sexualize other women or not date women regardless of size/shape/attractiveness). I watched equally helpless as Straightbians (HIGH femme/Queer femme) held court/lauded over/judged and put into question the femininity of Femmes and other lesbians in many different lesbian forums/spaces/groups (real/online). I ceased being silent when Straightbians used dyke insecurities (dyke shame and dysphoria) to flirt/flatter and philander dykes into "male ID-ness"/male pronouns/testosterone and double mastectomies. But no matter how hard dykes struggled to man up, sacrificing family, friendships and their mental and physical health, Straightbian g/f's ALWAYS went back to men. Dykes on testosterone for long enough did so as well. Some died of AIDS from having sex with gay men, some died of cancer, some died of cardiovascular issues, some committed suicide and some live quiet rather unhappy lives today with other trans females like themselves, their lesbianism shredded and ruined.

I owe NOTHING to Straightbians, they werent my allies when I was a young insecure shy Butch and they certainly arent my allies now! My allegiance as a dyke will ALWAYS be to dykes! And as an elder of sorts now, it is my duty to guide and protect dyke youth today. Dykes who have a much different and dangerous stretch of road to traverse. The dangers that dyke youth face today go well beyond being bashed or duped by a Straightbian. Lezbophobia and lesbian invisibility has never been so high and lesbian shame so extreme in decades. And the normalization of dyke equals transgender/gender non conforming so in your face and in our schools. And damaged or dissatisfied Straightbians so ready, willing and able to pick up a transitioned dyke like she's the latest pair of jeans or new diet pill.

The roads of my dyke youth could have got me bruised, bashed or even killed-but whether I woke up with a sore noggin or died with my Doc Martin's on, I did so AS a DYKE not a dude!

dirt

The following (as this subject has and does affect both myself and my wife) post is my wife's experience both online and real-time with Straightbians:

Dirt's recent post about Straightbians has certainly elicited some strong responses, ranging from agreement to outright disdain and hostility. Both of us have lost followers over it; she because she wrote it, I because I retweeted it. It is sad that such a topic can be so divisive, but the very divisiveness this topic provokes only reinforces it's importance.

For those of you who are reading this, I implore you to read on and truly consider our points before becoming angry or dismissive. We have both known many lesbians over the years, both in person and online, and have a great deal of experience with this topic, so we are not just winging this, we are living it.

Also, just to be clear, neither Dirt nor myself is trying to tell anyone what to do. Everyone is responsible for her own life. If lesbians choose to partner with Straightbians, that is certainly their choice, and if both parties are honest with themselves and each other, more power to them.  It wouldn't be my choice, but it is not my life.

Over the years, I have witnessed numerous examples of Straightbians wreaking havoc upon lesbians' lives in a variety of ways.  In some cases, lesbians I know personally have invested not only their hearts, but years of their lives, to women who were not truly sexually/romantically attracted to other women; women who defaulted to (alleged) "lesbian" because of personal choice, novelty, excitement, attention, and/or trauma.

I have never known any of these relationships to be truly "happy"; most break up relatively quickly, which is actually the best case scenario for the lesbian.  One relationship that I know of personally lasted 20 years and was fraught with distance and difficulties...before the straight one returned to men.  

My lesbian friends have reported to me that these straight women never truly wanted to touch them sexually; that their sex lives were one-sided encounters with pillow princesses. More importantly, this distance is not just sexual. So before you say to yourself, "sex isn't everything" (and I agree, of course it isn't), please realize that the sexual deficiencies in these relationship are symptomatic of an larger underlying disconnect, an imperceptible fault line running underneath the surface.  

Here's the thing: Straight women (even liberal allies) do not, and cannot, totally understand what it is like to be a lesbian and they exercise their straight privilege over lesbians, typically without malice or even awareness.

My straight friends have to be reminded on a regular basis of the numerous privileges they have that lesbians rarely (or in some cases, never) have. Here are just a few examples of straight privilege that my heterosexual female friends enjoy (there are many more, but that is another post):

  • The ability to confidently hold hands or kiss in public etc. with a partner without fear of attack or ridicule.
  • The ready acceptance and celebration of their relationship from friends/family/coworkers/church/society.
  •  Never having to fear being fired, killed, not hired, denied housing, etc. simply for loving who they love.
  • The ability to read any magazine, catalog, or book, or to watch any TV show, movie, or commercial, and see examples of people like you and enjoy stories that exemplify your life.
  • The privilege of never being questioned about your orientation (no "Are you sure you are straight? Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet...").

Straight women have propositioned me over the years. In one notable case, I politely declined, explaining that I have a strict no-het policy, but also explaining that I was in a committed relationship at that time. She said (crudely but tellingly) "Eating ain't cheating!" In other words, her view of a relationship with another woman was so casual, so meaningless, that it would not even qualify as cheating on her husband!

Think about it: Don't we all want our partners to WANT us for exactly who we are? If someone is not oriented as a lesbian, she can never experience the sheer desire nor the depth of connection with another woman that a lesbian can feel. It is not wrong to be straight. But it is wrong to be dishonest with yourself and/or someone else regarding your true orientation.

I think we can all agree informed consent is imperative; but if a Straightbian is appropriating lesbianism for her own purposes without disclosing it to her lesbian lover, then informed consent is not happening. Rapish? We all deserve to know the motivations and orientation of those we are intimate with.

Mrs. Dirt

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16 comments:

  1. Yes! Well said. People who are dismissing this issue have obviously never experienced the devastation upon lesbian hearts and lives. Or they are straightbians themselves and it is hitting too close to home.

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  2. Obligatory disclaimer: I am bisexual who very strongly prefers women, has had intense crushes on women from an early age, and has never (willingly) had intercourse with a man.

    I don't know if I can agree 100% with these posts, but upon reflection, there is a LOT of truth here. Even I, as a 20-something bi, can see that and have even experienced some of it. I have know my fair share of "queer" women who are obviously, strongly attracted to men, date men, have sex with men, have never been seriously or visibly involved with lesbians, but they're "queer" because they like, totally love kink and drag, or they "fall in love with people, not genitals" (did they miss the SEX part of SEXual orientation?) Most of these women are, indeed, special snowflakes in some way (trying to outfemme femmes by caking on the make up, wearing corsets and being pornified, tattoos and piercings, polygamous, etc.) Furthermore, their "special snowflake" traits are the only interesting thing about them, hence why they pump they're snowflake traits out and get upset when other people aren't impressed. It's...pretty pathetic, really. And an insult, like being a lesbian is a matter of designer fashion.

    Another pet peeve: straight girls saying they're bisexual because they got drunk at a bar, kissed a girl Once to be rebellious, and liked it. I knew I was "different" since I was four, and there is NO comparison. But...that's another rant.

    Back to the topic, people need to read and think before reacting. Regardless of where you "stand" on these issues, we all should agree that being a lesbian is a deep seated sexual, emotional, and social phenomenon, not an outfit that people can just put on. Even though I am strongly geared towards women and find PIV gross, I have enough respect for lesbian culture and the English language to not say I'm lesbian when I'm still capable of sexual feelings towards men. I don't appreciate drunk straight girls playing at being bisexual, and I imagine already marginalised lesbians don't feel any better about straightbians.

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    1. Excellent points, and proof that we all don't have to agree 100% to consider each others' viewpoints and be respectful.

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    2. Excellent post Joanna.

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  3. So is your "critique" simply that you believe that radical feminists are all "straightbians"? You seem to use the terms interchangeably. Not my experience. If you had an actual critique, I would pay attention. All I've heard you say is "radfems bad and not real lesbians!"

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    1. Huh? That is not at all what is being said.

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    2. Understanding occurs when you READ whats been written rather than react to what you THINK has been said.

      dirt

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  4. Dirt, your seething hatred of radfems is disturbing, and you felt you had to bring your wife into it so you can justify your irrational anger at the very feminists you benefited from for years on your own blog.

    You need to be honest that the response by radfems isn't about being criticized for calling out radfems. You are being criticized for being a misogynist. YOU KNOW you would not have treated a later in life gay man the way you have treated later in life lesbians. That is the issue people (radfems and non radfems alike) were trying to point out, and you are trying so desperately to sidestep and ignore it.

    You need to own up to this instead of using radfems like scapegoats for your own hypocrisy.

    All this would be entertaining if it weren't for the fact that these posts are attracting misogynists who eat up your displays of woman hate like candy. I sincerely hope you enjoy your new allies, Dirt, you will definitely need them since you're driving away anyone else who doesn't nod and agree obediently with your worldview.

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    Replies
    1. I dont have new or old allies, nor do I write to gain them. That you presume I do, says to me someone (you) has some serious narcissistic personality issues on top of jealousy (why?) and self hatred.

      My wife is a Dr of Psychology-let me know if you would like to book a private session.

      dirt

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  5. "For those of you who are reading this, I implore you to read on and truly consider our points before becoming angry or dismissive."

    But watch while Dirt and her wife gets angry and dismissive of radfems and non-radfems criticizing Dirt for misogyny.

    Do as they say, not as they do.

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  6. "Also, just to be clear, neither Dirt nor myself is trying to tell anyone what to do. Everyone is responsible for her own life."

    Also watch while Dirt and her wife tell you that you are partnered with the wrong woman because she is a stone femme or still struggling with her sexuality after years of repression.

    Dirt has preached that butches and femmes can enjoy each other and each other's bodies - but apparently, only if femmes meet her personal criteria of lesbian participation in lesbian sex acts.

    I also find it offensive that Dirt and her wife are willing to call these lesbians straight, even though they know they would not appreciate being called trans or cis without their consent. Again, do as they say, not as they do. Right?

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    1. Hi Anon @ 10:41, 10:44 & 10:48: This is Dirt's wife. First, thanks for your concern, but I can assure you that Dirt didn't have to "bring her wife into it"; I can think for myself and I am in total agreement. Second, hurting lesbians is misogynistic and that is what we are discussing here. Third, I have no clue why you keep on bringing up gay males; it's not on topic and not relevant. Anyway, the same would apply to gay males, but our focus is not on them. Fourth, as we have both said numerous times, we are not telling anyone what to do. Date whomever you want. Think whatever you want. Our choices & opinions do not have to be yours. Fifth, as the other commenter noted, I would not care if someone called me "cis" or "trans" without my consent; I would just assume they were wacky.

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    2. Thats because we arent trans/sis.

      dirt

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  7. Why does Dirt (or her wife's) opinions bother you so much? They aren't telling anyone what to do, they are expressing their thoughts and experiences. Everyone is free to take other people's opinions or leave them. And what is the deal with your comment "they wouldn't like being called trans or cos without their consent"? My guess is that they would just think anyone who did so would be stupid, and they would be correct.

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  8. Sour grapes from some commenters. Ignore them. Good work.

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