Lesbian Warning Signs You Just Might Be Dating: A Straightbian

Most lesbians over the age of 30, regardless of type, race or religion, have dated at least ONE political-lesbian, pretendbian, hasbian, hetbian, or 4-year-lesbian-better known as STRAIGHT-as in straight-to-the-next-dick! Some of these straightbians range from one night stands to boringly buying silver later long term relationships. Some may be honest with themselves and with you, most however are not to both. It is one thing to be a dyke and willingly making an informed choice about partnering with a straightbian, it is quite another to be lied to/conned or just plain misinformed whereby you become a pawn more than a partner in a game you arent even aware you're playing. My heart and my wallet's heart goes out to all dykes duped by a straightbian, and this post goes out as a guide to help younger lesbians recognize some of the warning signs that they just might be dating a straightbian:

  • Unlike dykes when we speak of coming out, which is ALWAYS in terms of when we announced to others we were a lesbian, while being lesbians all along-straightbians will say things like; I was het (heterosexual) until recently, I'm a political lesbian, lesbian by choice, fed up with men so I'm a lesbian now, working my way up the lesbian ladder, using any ID that contains queer/bisexual etc--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she only has a history of dating males coupled with no history of female attraction--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she reports never having been attracted to women before you (including no childhood crushes)--she might be a straightbian.
  • If out of the blue or no seeming context they blurt out something regarding a male's attractiveness or sexiness-or say something along the lines of "if I were straight again I'd fuck/date him"--she might be a straightbian.
  • Dont assume because your g/f is a Women's Studies major she's a lesbian. In the majority of cases, Women's Studies classes are the last place you'll find a dyke--she might be a straightbian.
  • If your dream gal can spout paragraphs of Dworkin while serving you tofu as she gets ready for an anti abortion rally--she might be a straightbian.
  • If there is an excessive talk/focus on hating men, how terrible men are and over use of the acronym MRA--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she seeks out arguments with men online and off--she might be a straightbian. (Straightbians will find ways of having intense contact with men).
  •  If her only passion is for women's minds--she's definitely a straightbian
  •  If she refers to herself on any sort of scale (example: "I'm a Kinsey 6 lesbian")--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she compares you to a man in any way (favorably or unfavorably), such as "You are so strong like a guy", "You walk like a guy", "You think like a man", "You're masculine", etc.--she might be a straightbian.
  •  If she says anything like, "Did you ever think you might be a guy?" or "You may have been born in the wrong body", etc.--she might be a straightbian.
  •  If she mentions transitioning toward you in any way such as (Have you ever considered transitioning, You would be even stronger if you took T, Have you considered getting top surgery? etc.)--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she seems uncomfortable referring to you by your female pronouns and/or name, starts calling you male pronouns or nicknames, or suggests you change your name--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she relates to you like a guy, in or out of bed, rather than as a women--she might be a straightbian.  
  •  If she is a "pillow princess", only wants you to use a strap-on in bed, and never offers nor seems to want to touch you--she is definitely a straightbian.  
  •  If she enjoys flirting with men/men flirting with her--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she shows no interest in your body or is only interested in certain attributes (strong legs, strong arms, etc.)--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she tries to out-femme Femmes through constructed hyper-femininity--she might be a straightbian.
  •  If she is excessively or solely into role-playing (BDSM, insists on calling you "Daddy", wants to recreate rape fantasies with you as the rapist, etc.)--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she has a heavy interest in heterosexual romance or erotica books--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she refers to you as her boyfriend/husband--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she insists on you standing on the curb to kiss her (making you taller than her or anything that might make seek male)--she might be a straightbian.
  •  If her bio reads like a dissertation of special-snowflake adjectives ("I'm a polyamorous queer pansexual blahblahblah...")--she might be a straightbian.
  •  If she is a special snowflake in other ways (multiple tattoos, multiple piercings, shaved head/mohawk, green hair, dreads etc.)--she might be a straightbian.
  • If she calls herself anything like Political Lesbian, lesbian-by-choice, Post-Heterosexualist, etc.--she is definitely a straightbian.
This list is incomplete by far, but what is included covers a broad range of straightbian red flags for lesbians that should send an immediate warning to tread carefully and proceed at your own risk because you just might be dating-a straightbian!



  1. Oh Dirt, you are smart about some things, but dismissive and dumb about others.

    But thanks for letting us know your thoughts on women who could be described/labelled/self-identified as bisexual. Sigh.

    1. Sigh is right...but NOT at Dirt...Sigh at anyone who thinks that so-called bisexual or queer women can partner long-term successfully with lesbians. Wake up and smell the proverbial coffee, Anon 3/16 at 6:01 p.m. "Self-identified" bisexuals will end up with a man. Because they are really bored or confused straight chicks, or as Dirt would say, straightbians.

    2. How about bi chicks in a relationship with each other with no doodz in sight ? Are they "really" lesbians ? Who gets to define this besides themselves ?

      Not loving the contempt here, wimmin.

    3. How about 2 white chicks who say they are black? Are they "really" black? Who gets to define this besides themselves?

    4. You recently did a profile of Moms Mabley. While she had that bulldagger swagger (at least in the 1930's/40's) she also had six children ! You did not mention this in your profile of her. What's with this erasure ?

      She was definitely getting some sexing from the fellas. Does this make her less interesting/important/groundbreaking ?

      WTF, Dirt ? Almost every lesbian I have ever known has some history with a dude before they came out. Some came out and were active participants in the dyke community while still having sex with a man, occasionally. What's next - forensic testing of women to see if they are lesbian enough ? How many years do you need to be male-free before you are allowed to declare yourself lesbian ?

    5. It isnt a matter of years, obviously given heteropatriarchy not every dyke is going to be a GSL, BUT every dyke will have been born romantically/sexually attracted to females.


    6. Re: AnonymousMarch 17, 2016 at 12:36 PM: Dirt's Doing Woman Different profiles are not limited to lesbians and are not meant to be entire point-by-point biographies, so your example of Moms Mabley doesn't in any way refute the current discussion. Quite frankly, if these alleged "lesbians" you speak of were indeed, as you say, "active participants in the dyke community while still having sex with men", then they were the very straightbians Dirt is warning us against.

    7. These wimmin called themselves dykes, looked like dykes from the old school (ie born late 1940's - early 1960's), had long term relationships with other self identified dykes, and were active in the wimmin's community of a large North American city. No one wore lipstick, had hairdos or a women's studies degree! But - some fucked dudes here and there, when they wanted to. Some didn't fuck dudes but did sexually intimate stuff with dudes in a BDSM context. They marched in the Dyke March with other dykes. They rode motorcycles, did home renovation, and were to varying degrees gender non-conforming. They went to Michigan when they could afford it.

      But these women were pretendians ? These gals from the old school who you would read as dyke if you had the least bit of gaydar ? But some of them had been cozy with a dude more recently than I have !

      Yes, I appreciate that "Doing Women Differently" is not segregated by sexual preference. It has even featured women who were groundbreaking but also complete misogynist assholes in their personal and professional lives (see: Patti Smith).

      As a bi woman, I sure want to steer clear of the women, wimmin, wombyn, etc. who treat others with thoughtless contempt. It is socially, sexually, intellectually repellant.

      Who DO you like, Dirt ? Who is doing whatever it is right by you ?

    8. You seem to miss the point of this post. It has nothing to do with liking or not liking, but honesty. Information like this is relevant for dykes because there IS no honesty! And this notion that any woman can CHOOSE to be a lesbian undermines actual lesbians where CHOICE isnt a factor. I have no choice. My wife has no choice. We, like every lesbian ever were BORN lesbian.

      Hetero-patriarchy though, has for just as long as lesbians existed, insisted all we need is the right dick and all with be right with us. Insinuating/pathologizing even, that females attracted in every way imaginable and unimaginable(lesbian love is exempt from male language) is wrong/abnormal.

      So then to have straight women, fed up with men/abused by men/womancentric etc use their straight privilege to purchase actual BIOLOGICAL lesbianism like its the latest craze is utter abominable BULLSHIT!

      And this is me not even getting into the sick/vile fucked upness of "queer" straight women who have LITERALLY suggested/pressured insecure dykes into transition.

      You're straight and wanna date a woman and that woman happens to be a dyke, then fucking be HONEST. You are and always will be attracted to men.


    9. Dirt, I think it's you who are missing the point. Human sexuality is not an all or nothing thing, not unless you are born in circumstances where being a life long lesbian was actually an option.

      Let's say we apply everything you pretend to be true about "pretendbians" to gay men. Are gay men any less gay for being married for 20 years then coming out of the closet? Should gay men who have been out their entire lives summarily reject and dismiss gay men only coming to terms with their sexuality late in life?

      You talk a lot of shit about women, when you know for a fact that you wouldn't say this shit about gay men. Gay men, by virtue of being male, are seen as more genuine and more deserving of acceptance.

      Who are you to police someone else's sexual history? That's what the court system does to rape victims.

      You have a lot of gall to preach about abominable bullshit, when here you are spewing it yourself.

    10. Not sure why Dirt would be interested in talking about gay men? She is a lesbian. Her focus is on lesbians.

    11. This is what dirt seems to be saying:
      "why are there so many 'lesbian' chicks who are actually bi or straight!? Not cool"

      This is what others seems to be reading:
      "ewwww bisexuals"

      I think there is a bit of a communication gap here.

      Also lesbian = HOMOSEXUAL female therefore if a women comes out as a lesbian and seeks to have sex with males then she is bisexual not a lesbian. It's really not that hard people. Also stop with the pomosexual 'but but mah FLUIDS' bullshit. It screws over us women with hardlines on their sexuality, ya know, like actual lesbians.

    12. @ AnonymousMarch 16, 2016 at 6:32 PM : interesting you saying that
      ""Self-identified" bisexuals will end up with a man. Because they are really bored or confused straight chicks, or as Dirt would say, straightbians..."

      I recently did a quick poll on YT asking why 97% (invented number) of bisexuals end up in straight relationships and the bisexual girls in the thread responded that was because the number of males wanting to date girls is much higher than women wanting the same.
      I wonder if this is a good answer...

      The bottom line seems to be if a bisexual person is really attracted to both sexes, why would she look for same-sex relationship if it's against the rules of our patriarchal conditioning?
      I tend to believe that, due to our conditioning, to be "bisexual" is usually just a fancy label for people who don't like stereotypes and want to be "queer", but in fact still follow their straight ruling; because in the end they majorly choose an opposite-sex partner.
      On the other extreme, it could be also that these people are in fact gay (woman/man) who are coming out of the closet and are still not comfortable with being homosexual and bear all the stereotypes that patriarchy puts on this sexual preference.

      I deeply believe that 30% or more of people (women and men) in the world are gay, but patriarchy only is what coerce them to the old boxes.
      I'm convinced that the idea that some 90+ per cent of people are straight, is just not true.

      In this sense, to say the LGBTQ people form a "community" is quite a stretch. Our society is so "inverted" that even to call LGBTQ a "minority" is most probably a lie too.

    13. Just as a person may be borned blind, some people are born without a sexual orientation, or don't develope one. People who are born without a sexual orientation or don't develope do not know what it is like to have a sexual orientation. Research in America, Australia and Britain shows that over 70 perecent of women who hare lesbians were made that way by some sort of sexual abuse in Childhood. There are other causes for homosexuality as well including possession. In one resarch, the Spirtual Research Center found that about 87 percent of gay men and a similiar percentge of homosexual women were possessed by 'ghosts'. Life is nothing but energy, so the energy of disembodied male, if he was stright, can takke over the body of a young female and turn her attraction towards other women. The same can happen with a boy. The bottom line is that homosexuality is definitely unnatural viewed from the stsndpoint of human anatomy. Christian conversion therapey is harmful because it does not address the fact that a person's sexual orientation programming is deeply embedded at the subconscious level. There are lots of reasons why some people are gay. What is certain is that nature seeks to keep the homosexual population as low as possible. Nature favours heterosexuality. The population of 7 Billion people on the planet proves this. Some people regard homoxuality has nature's form of birth control. if this is the case it is obviously not working.

  2. Great post, thanks for speaking the truth we all know from experience, even if it is not the politically correct thing to say.

  3. I am so sick of people defining Lesbian by behavior. Do they really think that any woman who is sleeping with, or has slept with, another woman is a Lesbian? Anybody can fuck anybody. Are all the guys dropping the soap in prison really gay? Most probably are not.

    1. That is exactly the point: men can come out at any time in their lives, even after being married to a woman for 20 years and be accepted as a gay man.

      Women? Oh if you aren't a gold star life long lesbian, you're just a poseur.

      The misogyny is despicable.

    2. You don't know what Dirt thinks about gay men. Nobody is talking about men. That is not the topic of the post nor the discussion. Why are you talking about men?

  4. Yeah, I won't date self-proclaimed political lesbians, and I'm surprised that not more lesbians hate the term. Let's face it, in an ideal world, these women would date men. The reason they don't isn't because they're attracted to women but because they hate toxic masculinity. This can never be the basis of a healthy lesbian relationship.

    Also I hate this idea of choice when so many young lesbians struggle with their sexuality, get told that they just haven't found the right man yet or get rejected for their lesbianism because it's deemed a choice. It's so harmful to young (and not so young) lesbians.

  5. So what's your next misogyny hate fest going to be? Warning signs that a cowgirl isn't really a cowgirl or when a housewife isn't really a housewife? You've already thrown radfems under the bus. Whose next? The cafeteria cook you hated in high school?

    1. Oh, Anonymous March 17, 2016 at 8:49 a.m., where to begin? First, Dirt isn't a misogynist. (Look it up). Second, your examples are not equivalent to the current examples being made in the post, and are furthermore nonsensical. Third, Dirt didn't throw radfems under the bus. She presented a critique of radfems, similar to the current critique of straightbians. Critical commentary is not hate.

    2. Spoken like a true mansplainer. Her commentary on radfems was not mere commentary - it was a hit piece all to commonly written by people who want to increase their own blog's traffic or facilitate book sales. Save it for someone whose baffled by bullshit, which I am not.

    3. Anon March 18 at 5:50 a.m.: I am the commenter to which you are referring, and I am most certainly not a man. Clearly you are indeed baffled. I am a lesbiansplainer, not a mansplainer. To critique radfems or anything else, including straightbians, is not misogyny. Again, look it up. Thanks though for taking the time off of Twitter to throw your 2 cents in.

  6. Some things are true, whether they are politically correct or not.
    Even the word "hate" has been appropriated by PC clone-minds in lame desperate attempt to silence critical review.
    Catch words, falling from a flock of Feebles.

    1. Sounds like you are desperate to express misogyny by disguising it as pseudo intellectual gibberish. Only fools would be impressed by you.

    2. Anon March 18 at 5:52 a.m.: The only gibberish-spouting seems to be coming from you.

  7. Wow. After a few weeks absence, I was looking forward to visiting with Dirt,etc. Yeah. Yawn. Ima jump right off again, as my belt buckle needs polishing. Audios.

  8. Policing lesbian sexuality is not original. (gsl, really?) Neither is spouting stereotypes (I still don't get what "serving" tofu has to do with liking dudes)

    That being said, I have dated women who were really more into males. None of them were remotely feminist, and I have never met ANYONE who calls themselves a political lesbian.

  9. Yay for you Radish. Its totally your prerogative to be the garnish on a straight woman's plate.

    1. What a bullshit response. Radish is saying that pretendbians aren't politicizing their sexuality, while Dirt is claiming they are. So I suppose Dirts claims are somehow more legitimate than Radish's? Nice way to pick and choose who gets a say in issues regarding the lesbian community. Lesbian culture is being destroyed and your first response is to insult lesbians? Wow. Nice.

    2. Anon March 18 at 6:01: You are missing the entire boat and are floating without a life preserver. Dirt nor the commenter above EVER criticized LESBIANS. Anon above is correct. If fully-informed lesbians do decide to sleep with pretendbians, that is indeed their prerogative. However, usually these wolves in sheep's clothing present themselves as lesbians. How about defending lesbian culture?

    3. Delightful image. No, I never knew any of them were into men before I dated them. I'm saying that 1, I can empathize, and 2, none of those stereotypical "signs" dirt lists applied, and isn't related. I would actually like it if the topic were addressed in a more straightforward manner.

  10. Based on the comments above, it seems that this topic is hitting a bit too close to home for certain people.

  11. I am acquainted with a number of lesbians who are quite clear that they have always been attracted to women, and also some other women who are in relationships with women who earlier in their lives dated men. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Isn't this a little divisive?

    Overall lesbians I know are mostly inclined to think "political lesbian" a less than useful term, and one I avoid myself out of courtesy to lesbians who dislike it.

    1. Hi MiepRowan, Mrs. Dirt here. (Dirt is on the phone). Please also see the next post, which further addresses these issues. Yes, we both have also known (and known of) a number of lesbians who had previously dated/married men earlier in life, BUT they universally report that they "always knew" they were lesbian, had female crushes as children/teens, etc., but initially partnered with men due to familial, religious, and/or societal pressures. I understand that such situations can be puzzling though. I hate that this topic has proven to be so divisive.

    2. I think it can be and at times is more complicated than this, depending on early sexual socialization of girls, not to mention the effects of male predatory behavior. As an example: how can a girl know she's a lesbian if sexuality is presented to her as completely distorted and lesbians are not ever mentioned outside of this context? Perhaps she will just decide to opt out of the whole business.

      I do respect the right of my lesbian sisters to set their own boundaries. I'm not really anything, and this is not a culture that allows me to be proud without a sexual alliance. So it's a little sad for me, but that's okay, the culture hurts all women, and most more than me. Thanks for commenting.

    3. Im confused by what you mean by "sexual socialization of girls"? Hetero-patriarchy has ruled from our earliest days, that doesnt change sexual attraction in homosexuals-male or female. It cannot alter biology-hence the reason we're still in existence.

      Some dykes out of familial/social pressures might behave hetero out of fear, some do so and come out as adults, and some never come out while many of us were never in. But regardless we all KNOW we're attracted/lust after and long for other lesbians.

      It seems what you're asking is how does a baby know to suck.

      My wife and I are working on something though, that we hope will clarify lesbian better. We realized we should have done so before this post. Stay tuned!


  12. This is a good time for a proverb
    "The idiot stares at the wise person's finger when the wise person points at the moon"

  13. Why do you have to take potshots at women who were sexually abused, Dirt? Maybe you were lucky enough to not be incested but 1 in 3 girls (conservative estimate) were. Try seeing what that does to your sexual comprehension of yourself and your sexual feelings towards others. Please stop bashing survivors, it's cruel and beyond divisive.

  14. Anon 3/26 @ 10:00 pm: It is difficult to believe you are serious. Did you even read the post? Dirt did not bash sexual abuse survivors in any way. Of course, sexual abuse can affect/confuse women's sexual feelings etc., but it does not give them the license or the excuse ' to fuck up lesbians' lives while acting out that confusion.

  15. Quote from anon 3/26 10:37 pm
    "...but it does not give them the license or the excuse ' to fuck up lesbians' lives while acting out that confusion."

    More bashing. BTW there are lesbians (many) who were sexually abused, not just "straightbians." This vicious attitude towards incest and sexual abuse survivors is abhorrent. I normally support Dirt in what she writes but this is so destructive and wrong. I hope she and her psychologist wife rethink this and issue retraction and apology.

    1. Lesbians sexually abused has zero to do with Straitbians FURTHER fucking up a hurt lesbian! Straightbians PRESSURING lesbians into transition just so THEY do not FEEL like they're dating a woman!

      Millions of lesbians have been and are being RIGHT now harmed by a hetero privileged (abused or not) STRAIGHTBIAN!

      For the FIRST time in a LONG time, lesbians arent being conveniently strangled behind the political correct curtain! My wife and myself put the life, liberty and pursuit of lesbian NATURE BEFORE the garbage heap of ever changing PCdom used for the last 40 years to silence LESBIANS!

      You want an apology, apologize to all the dead lesbians who's lives were ruined by a STRAIGHTBIAN. All the psychically abused lesbians who were damaged by a STRAIGHTBIAN. All the lesbians who were used and financially abused by a STRAIGHTBIAN. And your apologies on that is just the beginning, because the list is infinite at this juncture in time!



    2. Anon 3/27 at 5:38 p.m.: This is "Dirt's psychologist wife". I won't be issuing an apology or a retraction, because what we are saying is the absolute ~ but uncomfortable ~ truth. We are in no way bashing sexual abuse survivors (and neither was the Anon commenter who you quoted above). Sexual abuse is a horrible situation that nobody should ever endure, and those who have survived it deserve respect. However, regardless of the reason(s) straight women would potentially eschew men and attempt to partner with women (abuse, curiosity, political choice, boredom, etc.), it is never okay to misrepresent their true orientation to lesbians. Our point to "straightbians" is: be honest with yourself and your partner, and give the lesbian partner the choice to consent, or not, to a relationship under the actual terms. Period.

  16. Saye,

    'Our point to "straightbians" is: be honest with yourself and your partner, and give the lesbian partner the choice to consent, or not, to a relationship under the actual terms. Period.'

    You and your wife could have presented this in a far better way than you did. Both of you created unneeded drama instead as seen from the various angry responses on the page.

    The clickbait style list was a piss poor way of getting an important and complex point across so instead of being unrepentant and petulant it would have been better to point out that you're human like the rest of us and continually learning, then employ what you've learnt.

    The list, itself, is quite a shitshow. It's angry and bitter in a way that says more about Dirt and yourself than it does about the women you purport to make light of. In fact it all comes off as a bit of a list of various straw women.

    Another problem here is the historical erasure of bi persons. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. You're either homosexual or heterosexual. That's not the case for bi people and your responses to bi people in the comments are flat out nasty.

    If you think you do not need to rethink, rewrite, and repost more clearly what you're trying to communicate then perhaps this is not the safe or healthy forum that lesbians are looking for.

    1. Its short and STRAIGHT(BIAN) to the point.

      And pussyfooting around while dyke lives continue to be ruined by STRAIGHTBIANS in the myriad of manners listed here and all those unlisted is no longer fucking acceptable!

      My wife and I have chose to take a stand, speak the truth and save lives and since these posts on STRAIGHTBIANS both our emails have been flooded with thankful DYKES! Dykes too afraid to speak publicly because they've been shamed and attacked for doing so in the past. Their voices, albeit in private, confer what my wife, I and close lesbians friends have been discussing for decades.

      The gravity of the lesbian situation has called my wife and I to arms, and we will NOT be silenced, hetero pressured into "playing nice" or have lesbian experiences/realities/lives DICKtated any longer by damaged/lazy/privileged STRAIGHTBIANS! Those days are fucking over!


  17. Dear Anon at July 8, 2016 at 10:03 AM:

    Your comment says more about you than it ever could about us. And what it says is not flattering to you.

    If you really cared about lesbian lives, health, and safety (as you purport to do), you would care that lesbian lives are being hurt by straight women who enter into relationships with lesbians without being fully honest.

    The drama hasn't come from us; rather, it has come from you, and people like you, who clearly care more about your own hurt/offended feelings and bizarre/nonsensical need to believe that any woman can simply choose to be a lesbian than you care about the actual lives of lesbians.

    This tells us that you are not a lesbian yourself, nor are you (or your ilk) a friend/ally of lesbians.

    We won't apologize because we stand by what we say. We won't be silenced and pressured into being politically correct and inclusive when lesbian needs are on the line.

    The term lesbian means something very specific, and language matters. Lesbian doesn't mean a straight woman who decides to use her straight privilege to co-opt lesbian lives and proceed to steamroll over actual lesbians.

    Lesbians do not choose to be a lesbian, and to imply that being a lesbian is a choice is both offensive and incorrect.

    If you don't like what either of us write, then perhaps our blogs are not a good place for YOU to visit. Both blogs are, however, good places for actual lesbians to visit -- the ones who have thanked us in private but are too afraid to speak out because of the backlash and drama from people like you.

    Mrs. Dirt


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