Change Your World-NOT your Body

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Why a Transman Regrets Her Transition And Why You Should Listen to her Story

This post comes to you from a trans female deeply regretting transition and all its medical/social baggage. She wanted to share her story because it has added details of medical transition and her hopes this information may help other women considering transition and those who like her whom regret transition. It is one trans female's personal story, her reasons for transition are not every women's, but the medical results she mentions can/will and DO affect ALL females who transition. Any comment attacking this trans female will be removed. Comments on transition drugs/surgeries are obviously welcome.

dirt
 
"I wish I’d come across a site like this years ago; what the author wrote about being a transman I could of wrote almost word for word myself.
I started on HRT in 2002, I’ve had all the surgeries including vaginectomy and phalloplasty and I regret all of it!
Why, well I now have a huge realisation after years of counseling why I ‘needed’ to transition; basically because of being badly sexually abused by my father, getting into bad situations with blokes, incurring  huge amounts of sexism and generally coming from a very abusive family. Having a mother who was very abusive and critical of me in every way.
In hindsight I thought transitioning would ‘change’ me from this timid, anxious, traumatised girl/woman, get me out of that body that was so badly violated and preyed upon into this strong confident ‘man’.
WRONG!!
What I am now is still that traumatised female, but now trapped in an approximation of a ‘male body’!
I feel like a funny little ‘anomaly’ – nothing like a real bloke, not just physically but emotionally as well.
Yes, you’re so right about the female skeleton, you end up looking like a squat little character, short arms, little hands – how many blokes are there that are 5’5” with big hips? The list just goes on.
Balding, yes, hairy, yes! A little old man looks back at me in the mirror!
I’ve heard so many transmen, even one’s who have been on ‘T’ for years sound like they suck helium!
No matter how many years of going to the gym flogging away you just can’t change anything, all you end up with is fucked up joints!
I tried to bring up the subject of what ‘changes, e.g. body fat with psychologists and the endocrinologist in the past, but they just couldn’t give a shit – not interested!
Also what wasn’t mentioned on the site is psychological alignment with proper blokes; in reality I lived as a female, all be it a bit androgynous for 44 years before I ever heard about female to male transition – I, at the time assumed I fit into this criteria.
The reality is, I have no idea how to be a bloke, how to talk bloke, I’m lost.
I did have constant attacks of bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections that needed antibiotics until I had the vaginectomy.
The surgeries are so grueling, to be honest I feel mutilated, I have re-occurring bladder infections/UTI’s, and at times ‘nasty smells’ coming from the phallus where urine gets trapped in the plumbing and U-bends.
No other transman would admit that!!!
Regret yes! If I could de-transition I wouldn’t hesitate, but I know I’d never get back to where I was, I’d be an ‘ugly’ bald, hairy freak with a deep voice.
It’s all a total mess really!!"
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8 comments:

  1. My wife wanted to "transition" but thankfully I was able to talk her out of it & she now understands she's always been amazing. I did find out she was attracted to women but that's not a reason to "transition" & her confession has actually brought me closer to her she & I find the same type of women attractive. Even though she's biologically female she looks like a m2f but I don't know why but that's actually a reason I find her attractive. She has taken up "female female impersonation". If all women were in a loving relationship I don't think "transition" would even be considered because it's sad how so many women that are amazing as is decide to mutilate themselves. There are plenty of ways women can be more "masculine" instead of "transition". If women would take the time to understand themselves better they would be happier than all the "transman" that have a high rate of suicide. And if no one guessed by now I'm male & for some reason attracted to women that like women, I really don't fully understand why exactly but know I am.

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  2. A big thank you to the writer for bravely sharing her story. I'm so sorry for the pain, regret and physical problems. :( May your story help others and may sharing it, and getting in touch with your true/Real Self, bring you some peace and happiness and meaningfulness. <3

    Anon 11:18pm, I appreciated your comment, esp this line: "There are plenty of ways women can be more "masculine" instead of "transition". -- ya and ohlala! I keep getting 'misgendered' as a dude and love it, and like/want to play more with my 'masculinity' in some fun, creative, non-harmful ways. How different society would be if 'doing woman differently' was not only respected, but encouraged and celebrated!

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  3. Nat, I no longer get taken for a woman, when people can see me as well as hear me, though it happened all the time when I was younger. I think we all start to look a bit "butcher" as we get older, whatever our baseline. Having said that, I was quite recently (in a gay bar in Brussels) assumed all evening to be a FtM transsexual. Although I felt that people were interacting with me a little unusually, I did not realize why until a kind young man made me aware of it. I was a bit too bemused by his information to work out whether, or how, insulted I should feel, and on what grounds.

    On the telephone, I am still very regularly addressed as "Madame" or "Señora". Do I correct? It depends. If I'm just ringing for an inquiry about train times, then obviously not. If I'm making a doctor's appointment, then obviously yes. But there's a whole spectrum in between, where I have to make a judgment. I confess I'm not above encouraging the mistake, where I feel it can be advantageous. Although in reality it's probably just to do with the pitch of my voice, I like to imagine (more flatteringly to myself) that it's also about how I address people and interact with them verbally.

    Though many of my beliefs have changed in the course of my life, one that I held, and articulated, as a very young man (a boy, even) and still maintain, is that the world would be a better place if women were just a little bit more like men, and men were a whole lot more like women.

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  4. Wow, this could have been my story, since I thought about transitioning for a while. I'm so glad I woke up, thanks to Dirt.
    So this is the real deal about being trapped in the wrong body. How sad. :(
    Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
    Big hug.

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  5. Anonymous, Dec 16, tell me what your wife's "female female" impersonation involves. I've seen what we used, I think, to call "double-drag" done by both dykes and faggots, but that may (or may not) be different.

    If you're "male & for some reason attracted to women that like women", well I wouldn't push that too far, that can't end well. But if you find strong, "masculine" women more attractive than "feminine" women, then hats-off.

    I'm gay (male), and give me Cagney over Lacey anytime. Jeez, are you, or anybody here, old enough to know what the fuck I'm talking about? It was a TV series, right, NY cops...

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  6. Petre, I love your last sentiment (btw I appreciate all your comments on this blog), and couldn't agree more how great it'd be if women were a little more like men and men were a lot more like women. The colonist-Abrahamic culture creates such sex and gender hysteria and homophobia that it's amazing some ppl *aren't* dysphoric & homophobic in some way or another, to whatever degree.

    LOL @ your bemusement over being clocked as F2M. I totally relate with the bemused and amused feeling that comes with how diversely ppl perceive me (my voice & breasts give away my femaleness). I find it so fascinating how we experience eachother so differently. That's one thing about trans-ism I find disturbing, when it feels like trans ppl are trying to control everyone's experience of them (i.e. "please see me as a man") -- first of all, it's boundary-tramply, and secondly, it's impossible! People will perceive and experience people how they do, there's no controlling it, so why do it and then obsess over it? Such stress and inevitable disappointment and wasted energy into all that, not to mention wholly giving away one's power to total strangers when seeking validation of one's sex/gender; strangers who are bound to shit all over the power you just handed them.

    I agree that people get more butch as they age; its definitely what I've seen, and what's been my experience more and more as I approach 40. Extra weight seems to 'butchify' some people too, or more specifically, how some people perceive people.

    Re. the sexual abuse connection in the story -- sexual abuse is such a profound trauma that will fuck with one's identity in all sorts of complex ways, and changing one's sex is one of a thousand different ways some ppl may try coping with the pain and self dis-connect.

    On the topic of health complications with sex changes, I dated a trans guy (whose top surgery was botched), who had a trans guy friend who was wheelchair bound because of a phalloplasty gone wrong, needs to use a catheter for life. This stuff is all so tragic and unnecessary! Anyone who wants to transition should think of the worst case health scenarios imaginable and be totally okay with all the things that can go wrong and then presume they will, before going ahead with the procedures...

    I'm glad for trans ppl who find peace and happiness with their transitioned selves as I do not wish misery or bad things towards anyone. I guess it's easier for some ppl to change their body than their mind.

    I think if we lived Indigenously *with* Nature (versus against it and always trying to dissect/control/label every aspect of it), as we all lived before the so-called 'civilization' bullshit began, there would be no medical/surgical sex change industry to lean/depend on for one's sex or gender identity; we would just BE as we are and Accept & RESPECT the vast and Natural diversity among us. In this day and age, I think there is no braver act than to be Real and accept ourselves and eachother as we were born and naturally are. Acceptance/Integration/Connection of all parts of ourselves instead of Rejection/Separation/Disconnection. I wish this for the writer of this trans regret story and all of us.

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  7. To the author of this post--please get in touch with me anytime. Reconciling with being female is always possible, regardless of how far you've gone in transition. It is difficult, but you do not have to do this alone. Email me at redressalert@gmail.com if you would like a circle of us around you, to talk to, to be with, as you make sense of things.

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  8. Jeremiah formerly YeseniaJanuary 10, 2015 at 1:46 AM

    I thought I was a boy since I was a toddler, (literally) around 3 years old. I waited until I was 27 to start taking action. I went to see a psychologist for a few months and then I was able to start taking hormones and finally ended up having top surgery and planning for bottom surgery. But after a year on Testosterone, I started hating myself, I didn't recognize myself anymore. I don't know why the big change, I am so confused. I realized after a while that I miss being read as female, I miss the old me even though the old me was depressed at the time. I even felt joy when I got my period back even though I hated having one in the past. I am now having electrolysis done on my face, but as far as having my name and gender marker changed back to female, and letting everyone around me know that I made a huge mistake, I feel really embarrassed, after 27 years of being so adamant that I am a man, how can anyone take me seriously that I am a woman. I know it's all my fault. I will never get my voice back and that is one of the main things that make people doubt my identity, I sound like a man. I don't have that "helium" voice that some transmen get after T, or that "midget" voice. I legitimately sound like a grown man. My chest is scarred up and I have loose skin on the sides of it. I look like a frankenstein with hair in places that even most men don't have hair in. I feel ugly and disgusting. I wish there was more information online about how to detransition. All I can think of is electrolysis (which I'm doing currently) and possibly voice coaching but my voice is so deep that I'll probably just sound like an MTF or someone who's been smoking for decades. I need help from someone who has DETRANSITIONED to help me out. If you are or know anybody detransitioning that can give me some advice or tips , please email me at AndrogynousHQ@aol.com or reply here, I'll check back every now and then. I appreciate it.

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