Change Your World-NOT your Body

Thursday, July 3, 2014

How Love Transitions-A Lesbian Tale


Its a cliche I know. The stuff little girl fairy tales are made of. I always believed in love, at first sight. The night, I met you at a friends party, I could hardly believe it! YOU were the one, I just knew it! I don't think I slept a wink, till you called two days later. I laugh now, thinking how we both tried to keep it casual. It all happened so fast. At first, neither of us could catch our breath. But eventually we did. Eventually we hid nothing from one another. Not as friends, and certainly not as lovers.

I told you about the time in 7th grade when Micheal Lewis tried to rape me behind the school bleachers. How I'd kicked the shit out of his crotch and he didnt return to school for a week. You told me about the time you were expelled at fifteen for throwing a chair at Mr Leary, your science teacher. He sneered "all you dykes need is a good hard cock" the principal didnt believe you and you were kicked out.

We made love constantly. We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. Close in the extreme, yet neither one of us felt smothered. It wasn't until you were laid off from work that you first became bothered. After two months without work, you began staying up late. Soon we were fighting. Finally with a bit of luck and nepotism, you were working again. But things didn't go back to before, you continued being up late, online and secretive.

A week went by and then another. "We need to talk" you said. My stomach dropped. This couldn't be good. "How could you?" I screamed. You decided you wanted to become a man. This was worse than my worst bad dream! You tried to calm me. You promised nothing would change between us, we would still love each other. But you wanted my blessing and support. At first I thought, maybe you would change your mind. "When did this happen?" You made some new friends online, all of them transmen. They helped you understand you said, you didn't have to be a lesbian. You said maybe your mom would love you again. I said nothing.

You began to spend our time online or on the phone. You started acting like a cross between my teenage brother Jim and Arnold Schwarzenegger. You stopped wanting to be touched. We stopped making love. You said sex could wait, till after transition. I began doing my own trans research. Began viewing most of it with suspicion. Through attrition and love I stayed. But once on hormones, you changed. For you, the changes couldn't come fast enough. For me, it was rough, witnessing the woman I believed my soul mate disappear, in body and spirit.

At six months, I begged you to stop! You wouldn't hear of it. You were fast becoming a stranger. We argued daily. Having had my fingers in your vagina, I wasn't about to suddenly call you my boyfriend. The few times I gave into your new sex pleas, it was all shock and no awe. The times of your sweet fingers drawing out my orgasm were gone, replaced crudely with your hands wanting to punish my pussy for crimes it hadn't committed!

Sex also became one sided. Your flattened bound once beautiful breasts I held in my hands and mouth, were now off limits. You got angry, when I wouldn't mimic acting straight. Emotionally you were either dead calm or full of hate. But you were never violent. You scheduled your "top surgery" without my knowledge or consent. You told me again and again everything would be alright. The night of your surgery, I cried myself to sleep. Despite my misgivings I nursed you back to health. You insisted NOW I call you he. "HE'S dont get their tits cut off" was my retort.

I left.

You begged me to come back.

You said "anything you want."
I wanted Beth back.
"She's dead" you said.
I said "I'm a lesbian" and hung up.

This was now so far beyond working out. I cut off all contact and holed myself up. You texted and texted. A friend retrieved my things and I tried to move on. But it was worse than any break up. It was a death, with you the one I was so in love with, dead. I was shredded. Gutted. But I accepted you were wedded to your transition. And once you said I do, you could see nothing or no one else. Not even me.

Where was Newton now or the Laws of Physics? Nothing held up my sky, it crumbled. For awhile I fumbled through my days. Till days became months, then it was a whole year. It was queer, falling in love again. Someone told me you were now sleeping with gay men. I hoped only two things, that you were safe and happy. My gut told me you were neither. Two years later, you called and told me you were dying, of AIDS. You stopped T because it compromised your immune system. You whispered through tears "I'm sorry." My throat clenched, I swallowed a sob and muttered "so am I." We talked for a while. I knew never again would I see your smile.

A mutual friend told me a month later you died. If it were only that easy I thought. You didnt die once, you died twice. I mourned two deaths, the you that died from transition and the other you that died precisely because of it.

dirt
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18 comments:

  1. Lol so that's why ur all butt hurt over trans ppl . Bc you're selfish and upset over a break up bc u can't accept love in any form? You freak out over gender, whys care so much? I think your obsessed. You prob see a therapist. I will pray to god u die sooner then later so this world CAN BE A BETTER PLACE

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seriously, you need some help. Your fiction sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Seriously, you need some help. Your fiction sucks.

    The fiction that females can take testosterone and get their breasts lopped off and become "men" is delusional.

    I will pray to god u die sooner then later so this world CAN BE A BETTER PLACE

    I think the world would be a better place when females don't feel a need to mutilate their bodies with chemicals and surgery.

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  4. Not all transmen follow the same guidelines you post on this site nor do they fall prey to self abuse. Your self loathing hatred for yourself and those of the trans community is transpobic in so many ways. What standards do you live by?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have NO guidelines, I'm not the Gender Straight Jacket police.

    And the only "standard" I live by is truth in its rawest, purest, nakedest form.

    Interesting though, how a story prompted a visceral response. Something to think about, in the Twilight Zone.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you are the gender police...it's clear in this website. Your story did not prompt a response but validate your own self loathing you project onto others who simply just want to live their life in a way that makes them happy and comfortable in their own skin. You spew hatred in so many forms it's sad...in a world where many people have fought to be accepted for loving another despite plumbing. You being of the gay community pushing trans phobic literature to soothe your own fears and hate results in a step back not forward for what was worked on for decades in the equality movement. How about preach peace, acceptance and love? We need more of that and less negativity....

      Delete
  6. You said it, a story, fiction. Why are you so upset over a mere story?

    I police nothing, I'm a lone single individual writing on my own lone individual blog. Challenging misogynistic gender norms with real life experience and critical thinking, something important to me and clearly to many others who read this blog. If it isnt your cuppa, then read a space that is.

    Peace doesnt exist under patriarchal masculinist structures, it never has and it never will. This isnt Hollywood, this is REAL life. And I will NEVER accept female hatred in ANY FORM, be that internal or external.

    dirt

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  7. But where in the trans community do you see trans men spewing female hatred? Just because they transition from female to male doesn't make them less of a feminist or condone or preach female hatred or butch shame. Yet you preach hate among individuals who only want to live their life in happiness. Would you then consider MTF man haters? Can you think of it as an advantage because although now male at one point they were biologically female and therefore still have the same empathy, compassionate and female driven rights in mind. Why would that suddenly change? Just because your male doesn't make you agree with the societal structure or patriachy for that matter. If you are FTM you are forunate enough to have lived as both genders, giving you an upper edge on empathy and perspective. Yes, it's a free country, free to blog, free to express. I will acknowledge your talent as a writer I just wish that wit and savvy gift for words were used for a more positive movement rather than one fueled by hate. You only give those who hate the LGBT community a reason to hate and hurt even more because you preach hate in your underlying message. As fake as you may see it peace does not mean not fighting for what you believe in it's how you conduct yourself that makes the biggest impact.

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  8. Angry self hating women on high doses of T arent empathetic to women. Proven here alone tens of thousands of times a year. Misogyny informs transition, so you might want to rethink your argument.

    Female isnt a gender, it is a SEX.

    If you live long enough, you'll see the truth and see I was speaking it all along, in the name of care, not hate.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  9. Saving the lives of young women is a positive movement in my opnion.
    Like Dirt said, it's about care, not hate.

    I for myself don't hate FTM's as individuals. I know they're trying to be happy like everybody else.
    But I do critisize the underlaying reasons of transitioning.
    We're looking at a huge number of young females who transition, take testosterone and cut their breasts off. How can that nog be a feminist issue to care about?
    Most of these young women are mislaed and trying to escape the male gaze.
    I see more and more detransitioners each day. The grass isn't greener at the other side. You only have to learn to love the side you're already on.

    Gender doesn't excist, it's a social construct. There's only biology sex, male and female and you can't escape that.

    ReplyDelete
  10. If such extreme limits werent put on the sexes (particularly female) they wouldnt feel like something one needs to escape from.

    But as individuals WE have to over step those limits and keep over stepping them. Thats where freedom resides. Confining yourself to a different cage, might change one to a trustee, it doesnt however change your imprisonment.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  11. Gender roles exist for a reason. Whether you like it or not they will always exist as long as the human species remains heterosexual. People who for some reason are gay or nonconforming will suffer. Reach to them but the truth is you can't destroy "gender". The male gaze will always exist and has always existed. Its for a reason.

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  12. You might want to bone up on your theory of evolution, sounding a bit ID.

    And there is no such person/animal or mineral that is "nonconforming" in the real. A female doing _________ is still a female. Therefore as such she remains conformed to her nature.

    And the only "reason" sex roles have moved to the extreme is slated to die out. Till that happens, those "reasons" will continue to be challenged by modern female warriors.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gender roles exist for a reason. Whether you like it or not they will always exist as long as the human species remains heterosexual. People who for some reason are gay or nonconforming will suffer. Reach to them but the truth is you can't destroy "gender". The male gaze will always exist and has always existed. Its for a reason.

    Biological sex exists, but "gender roles" are primarily culturally defined.

    Whether you like it or not they will always exist as long as the human species remains heterosexual. All primates and virtually all mammals reproduce sexually, but same sex sexual behavior has been observed in most species of primates.

    People would be surprised at how many heterosexual people have had same sex relationships. They just don't admit it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. But where in the trans community do you see trans men spewing female hatred?

    Kael T. Block is a good example, and so is Ira Gray.

    Dirt has been called every name under the son and then some. We are talking about extreme misogyny.

    But where in the trans community do you see trans men spewing female hatred?


    “You made this story up you fucking ugly OVER-THE-HILL sagging tits, fat ass ugly repulsive CUNT. You’re just jealous that you’re OLD AS HELL and can NEVER EVER transition successfully the way us young dudes do! We are the men you can never, ever be. Medical science, nanotechnology and genetic engineering is advancing in ways your tiny female, estrogen-dominant gossipy female brain can NEVER imagine. CUNT. And being 25 I will reap the benefits and you will just be a corpse. You’re not even masculine, this shit you’re doing here is totally female…gossipy manipulative psychological warfare. Why don’t you take your fat, over-sized, child-bearing hips sagging cottage cheese ass back in the kitchen and cook your disgusting wrinkled, obese crew-cut trainwreck you call a “girlfriend” another Swanson dinner you useless OLD HAG. KNOW YOUR PLACE and stop treading on us. Stupid useless cunt. No wonder there is so much misogyny…it’s because of bitches like you. Suck a fat one and get AIDS”.

    SOURCE:

    http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2011/12/so-much-fear-and-hatred-from-this-trans.html

    ReplyDelete
  15. Just because they transition from female to male doesn't make them less of a feminist or condone or preach female hatred or butch shame.

    This is what I have trouble understanding. How can a human being born female who renounces her membership in the female sex be a "feminist"? She will always be a female, but socially she gives up her female identity.

    But you are the gender police...it's clear in this website

    We know who the "gender police" are, and it certainly isn't this blog.

    There are 5 and 6 year old kids who are slapped with a label of transgender or GID because they don't play with right toys for the gender. Little Billy who is in second grade must be trans because he doesn't like football, or Susie plays with building blocks instead of dolls. Therefore, she must be transgender. This "gender policing" is happening to children.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @ Big,

    I for myself don't hate FTM's as individuals. I know they're trying to be happy like everybody else.
    But I do critisize the underlaying reasons of transitioning.
    We're looking at a huge number of young females who transition, take testosterone and cut their breasts off. How can that nog be a feminist issue to care about?
    Most of these young women are mislaed"

    I agree that most of these young women are mislead. I don't hate them. I think they have been brainwashed. There are thousands of websites and blogs that show teenage girls where to get breast binders and the easiest way to get a "T" letter. Sixteen year old girls visit these sites all the time. This blog is different.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Are people seriously claiming that there's no hatred going on here when the first comment is telling the author "I hope you die". Or how about that particularly gross comment accussing Dirt of misogyny while calling her a cunt and telling her to get back in the kitchen, complete with "females are stupid and gossipy because of estrogen."

    Anyone who doesn't see what's really going on is uninformed or brainwashed. I can't believe no one felt bad after reading that story. I know I did. How is it not self-hatred for Beth to try to be a man so her parents will love her again?

    ReplyDelete

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