Monday, June 9, 2014

The First Time-A Transman's Tale

The first time it was MY fault. I walked to the store alone after dark. I think my jeans were too tight. I had never been so frightened. Blind sided, I didnt see him coming. How was it that I was on top of the world just a moment before? The girl I like in gym class winked when I scored the only goal. He hit me so hard I rolled straight into a deep ditch. At first, I tried to fight. Then I tried to just get away. I was too weak on both counts. It HURT. A mixture of blood and dirt. I was sure I was gonna die. Then suddenly he was gone and I was alone. I made my way back home. The shower was so hot it burned. I could have scolded every inch of my body and still feel dirty. I never told anybody. A week later, I cut my hair, then my wrists.

I screamed from the tops of my lungs I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!

My therapist told my mom I might be transgender. I remember, how my muscles grew. I knew no man would EVER touch me again and live! I was less afraid as I got more comfortable passing. I felt so awesome! Women sometimes even looked at me suspicious. My armor was flawless. All this, I thought in a split second, on the Men's room floor where I lay beaten, between my blood and some drunk's yak. Even as a man, woman was something I couldnt escape. It was the second time I was attacked, but the first time, I called it rape.



  1. You are a fucking moron. Your blog is all about hate and completely demeans the transmale experience. Get over yourself and stay out of our lives.

  2. Simply because a female calls herself a "man" doesn't mean she can't be raped.

    Transgender activists like to claim that Teena Brandon was transgender. It's a fact that she was raped. There is also a lot of evidence that says that she was the victim of incest.

    This is an excellent article about Teena Brandon and how her "transition" could have been a defense against the childhood trauma that she experienced.

    "If gender is considered an aggregate of sex-caste markers in a system of dominance based on biological sex, then it is simplistic and misleading to characterize it as "performative." Viewed in the context of a patriarchal culture, gender is emblematic of a system of dominance in which women are universally oppressed as a caste.

    And finally, Brandon's GID diagnosis, so replete with homophobia and gender bias, also appears to have ignored the "elephant in the living room"—the incest. The account of Brandon's treatment and diagnosis does not appear to include Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a syndrome commonly associated with survivors of child abuse, and especially survivors of incest. This is remarkable given the fact that, at the clinic, Brandon presented with a record of years of untreated child sexual abuse, a report of a recent rape, an escalation of criminal activity, a history of multiple identities, sexual predation toward under-aged girls, extreme risk-taking behaviors, avoidance of medical care from fear of routine examinations, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, terror of being in a female body, expressed fear of men, preference for protective clothing, and compulsive bathing—six or seven showers a day with changes of clothing. (Brandon's obsession with cleanliness would continue throughout her life, and, according to friends, even in her last years, she was still taking three or four showers a day.) ...

    Instead of a diagnosis related to trauma, the therapist apparently sent Brandon home with information about "gender reassignment" surgeries,..."

    Inconvenient truth - Teena Brandon

    My heart goes out to any female who has survived rape, sexual assault, or incest.

    1. ...what about men. They go through the exact same trauma yet they have to keep it hushed up because society will berate them for it.

  3. If I were a betting person, I would bet that most FTMs feel uncomfortable and a bit afraid using men's restrooms. Most FTMs opt out of "bottom surgery". They can't completely run away from the fact that they are female.

  4. what is this weirdness?

  5. The only thing I'm afraid of in the men's room is the stench.

  6. @ anon 5:55p
    Well YOU would lose that bet; big time.

  7. @ June 10, 2014 at 9:29 PM Nice! A drink on me! :D

  8. @Well YOU would lose that bet; big time.

    Am I to assume that a small 5'2" 130 lb. FTM without "bottom surgery" (still has vagina and female genitalia) NEVER feels insecure or a bit frightened standing next to a man using a urinal that is 6'3" and 60 to 70 lbs. heavier than she is? So, this tiny FTM walks up to a urinal, uses a STP device while a huge man is standing next to her with his pecker hanging out.

    We do know that one in five women have been sexually assaulted or raped. We also know that some FTMs have a history of sexual abuse.

  9. "...what about men. They go through the exact same trauma yet they have to keep it hushed up because society will berate them for it."

    True, and it's a tragedy.

  10. FTM and bathroom of many youtube videos...

    There are many videos online about how FTMs should act in men's restrooms. For example, never look anyone in the eye, etc. If FTMs feel so secure in men's restrooms, then why do they have to make so many youtube videos giving each other tips on how to survive in men's restrooms and not get harassed? Men aren't making youtube videos on how to "pass" in men's restrooms.

  11. I have a question about the STP devices (stand to pee). These are things that some FTMs use so they can stand at a urinal.

    What happens if the STP device falls off and lands in the urinal?

    Do people wash those out after using it?

    Do they tuck it in a pants pocket or somewhere?

    No wonder FTMs have to make youtube videos to give advice on how to "pass" in men's restrooms. It must be frustrating.

  12. I am 5'2 transman and I never fell uncomfortable in the men's room. I use a stall personally, but I never feel uncomfortable, because I am a man.

  13. @Kevin,

    I wish you well, and I hope you are safe using men's restrooms.

    Kevin, if you were born female, you never will be fully male. No amount of testosterone or surgery will change this fact.