Change Your World-NOT your Body

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Detransition-Its Okay

Sunday morning, warm, sunny. You catch me staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, shirtless. My mind briefly wonders back, to five years ago, when we first met. Oddly it was the one year anniversary of my last T shot. I had decided to take friends advice, move past my fears and put myself back on the lesbian dating market, a poetry reading followed by a lesbian mixer. I was as scared as I was lonely. All I wanted that night was a smile. For just one lesbian there to see the lesbian I was, rather than the man I tried so desperately to become, out of fear and insecurity. I never dreamed I'd find a lifetime instead. That night, as I buttoned up my button down, fastening each button up over the smooth of my flat chest, my heart sank and fell into the pit of my stomach with each button progress. I nearly backed out. But the phone rang, friends on their way to pick me up, "be there in five minutes." So I went! Sat there comfortable in the darkness, letting each poet's words wash over me as I drifted farther out to sea. Then the lights came on, "wake up" someone said. I got up to get another drink. "Did you like the poetry?" I turned around in line to a smile and a wink. "I did" I said nervous. You smirked. I liked. You looked at my chest. I looked down in shame. "Its okay" you whispered. "Its not what you think" I murmured. "It IS okay" again, only this time you grabbed my hand, when you said it. And it was. And in ways both describable and indescribable you have never let go. Grateful doesn't even begin to cover it. Watching you now, behind me from our mirror. You slide your hand over my shoulder and down my deeply scarred chest, once I thought it beautiful, now grotesque. "Its okay, I love you" you say almost in protest, to my own thoughts. Then you kiss the back of my neck and a tear falls from my eye, disappearing somewhere into the sink.

dirt
Share:

16 comments:

  1. Beautiful written, Dirt.

    BTW Congrats on being in the introduction of Sheila Jeffrey's new book Gender Hurts. You deserve it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moving and beautiful ♥️

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Big, thank you Anon!

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eloquently expressed. Unfortunately, here is another beautiful butch, who's going to be forever changed because of transitioning: http://www.butchtastic.net/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I checked that Butchtastic blog and I see another woman jumping on the trans bandwagon for the wrong reasons.
    She's happy as a woman, has a good life but it can be better?
    Transitioning sounds more and more like new clothes for many people.

    ReplyDelete
  6. All transition is tragic and its sad to see this woman's internalized misogyny reach the point of transition.

    But to clarify as a blogger faithful to Butch, the woman you linked to isnt a Butch.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dirt, I'd also like to know why she isn't butch? At least, according to your own sexual standards. Actually, I met her briefly years ago in Washington, and she definitely identified as one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I cant answer why her father's sperm, her mother's egg and her mother's womb didnt create a Butch lesbian anymore than I can answer why a particular strawberry isnt a banana. Thats between them and mother nature.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't think that you understood me. I wasn't asking for a biological explanation, but a personal one. Kyle is completely butch. I've met her in person, had coffee, and I'm also speaking from a queer perspective. Why don't you consider her one? And if she isn't butch, what else is she?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Butch IS biology. And what she is, is a garden variety dyke, also biology. Tweener dykes make up the majority of all female transition, from day one. One isnt better than the other or on some higher up scale than the other, both are a different variation of lesbian.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  11. Okay, I appreciate your explanation. But I'm queer, and I consider her butch. You've never met her, talked to her in person, nor observed her behavior, body language, and other butch indicators - I have. BTW: She has one of the best butch swaggers I've ever seen. And since I'm a femme, I kinda consider myself an expert. I've contributed comments before, and this is the first time that I've disagreed with you. But I stand firm that she's butch; there's nothing "tweener" about her. Why else would she call her site Butchtastic?

    ReplyDelete
  12. @May 20, 2014 at 7:22 PM

    Butchtastic....

    Now that she is going to start taking testosterone, I'm sure all her posts will be about "T", when I first noticed my first whisker, etc. Once the "transitioning" starts, they usually forget everything else.

    "Hi, I'm Kyle. I'm a genderqueer butch writer."

    As is my habit, I try to translate my insides to the outside world through words. Analogies play a big part in that translation. I was having a conversation with a friend, a transguy who is younger than I by age, but older in transition. I described the feelings I’m having about moving from recognizably female to a more recognizably male presentation as something like the feelings I’ve had when moving from one home to another. It’s not that I hate the old place, but it doesn’t fit me and my lifestyle anymore. I’m excited about moving to the new place but also already having feelings of loss about the place I’m moving from.

    I have decided that I’m definitely going to be taking testosterone, now much and how soon are not decided yet."

    http://www.butchtastic.net/

    I don't think that you understood me. I wasn't asking for a biological explanation, but a personal one. Kyle is completely butch. I've met her in person, had coffee, and I'm also speaking from a queer perspective.

    Not that I have anything against queer identified people, but I'm not speaking from a queer perspective.

    She identifies as genderqueer, and she is going to start testosterone. She isn't butch to me.

    Why would she call herself "butchtastic"? I have no idea. Perhaps she needs to change her name.


    http://www.butchtastic.net/butch-genderqueer-genderfluid-genderfuck-and-trans-blogs-to-watch-out-for/

    This is a list of her links. Mostly genderqueer and trans related.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You arent disagreeing with me, you're disagreeing with nature. And swagger is a dyke thing, has never had anything to do with Butch.

    dirt

    ReplyDelete
  14. When I saw her she identified primarily as butch. I can't speak for how she is now. She never mentioned genderqueer years ago. Anyway, viva la swagger! But butches do it better.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What Dirt thinks of as butch is just a woman with a higher level of testosterone than most. You know it, I know it, we all know it. She believes only she can ID a butch. Now the rest of you know how fuckin batshit crazy she is. All you "tweener" dykes can give up wearing your black plastic glasses, pompadors, Levi's 501's and plaid cowboy shirts because its just a Halloween costume. Surprise! She'll negate *anyone's* identity.

    ReplyDelete

Copyright © The dirt from Dirt | Powered by Blogger
Design by SimpleWpThemes | Blogger Theme by NewBloggerThemes.com | Distributed By Blogger Templates20