When the Public Ladies Room Doesnt See You

While I have written on this subject a bit in the past, because it affects so many of us daily and deeply I will try to devote more time to it.

The public ladies restroom. What for most women is nothing more than a place to relieve themselves or check their make up can be a nightmare for others. Sometimes resulting in mere dirty looks, coerced embarrassed proof from called managers or physically being thrown from the ladies by doormen. All and all being treated as anything BUT a lady/human.

My first encounter and shame with the public ladies (girls) was kindergarten. The teacher (Miss Spencer) directed us to stand in a girl's line and a boy's line so as to use the girls/boys bathrooms. I clearly remember the deep embarrassment when some of the boys told me to get in their line, which I did, then the teacher corrected them/me by saying I was a girl and belonged in the girls line and had to use the girls bathroom. Leading both the girls and the boys to eye me with a confused suspicion, both in and out of the bathroom. From then on out I did my absolute best not to have to use the school bathrooms, sometimes ashamedly asking for the hall pass so I could go while classes were in session and the bathroom would be empty, other times running home as soon as school let out cuz I coulnt hold it much longer.

Little could I have guessed, later as an adult female, I would (and do) still do my best to avoid public bathrooms, and even in certain geographical areas have for my own safety (disgustingly) used the mens. If out with family, at a bar or a restaurant one of my nieces will always accompany me to the bathroom or one of their children "go with aunt lynn to the bathroom." One of my niece's daughters has on occasion yelled at other women in the bathroom when I've been given dirty/strange looks "SHE'S A GIRL!" Sometimes when alone I've yelled it myself when its caught me in a bad mood, when all I wanna do is get in and piss and get out and yet cannot. 

Some days it can really hurt you, other days, I dont give a fuck. And that by declaring "I'm a girl" hope to make some women think twice in the future before calling a manager in. Because honestly, I get the fear/threat of a potential man being in the ladies, but I also know if they looked just a little closer they would see the female I am and not the man they fear.

To my female readers who have trouble with the ladies, what are some of your experiences and how did/do they make you feel?



  1. dude! thank you for writing about this.. this is such a frustrating thing in my life, and when I talk to my friends about it, they cannot understand. I have been followed into a bathroom by a security guard and yelled at, constantly instructed to go into the male security line for concerts, always women will enter the bathroom, look at me, then go out to make sure they are in the right place.. I too, often opt to use the mens room because ironically its less anxiety inducing.. Ive actually let my hair grow out a bit, and I think it helps me blend in a little more.. but just a little, I still try to hurry and not make eye contact.. Ive been wanting to cut my hair for a while now, but its shit like this that has been stopping me. Its something most people dont even think about, yet is such a stressor in my life

  2. I never got mistaken for a boy until I cut my hair off sometime in my early 20’s. I’ve always hated it. I had a perplexing experience once while travelling around Eastern Europe in the early 90’s, where I was camping in a campground with my very feminine Girlfriend and I went running in the early morning. The campground had a communal-type women’s shower room with some benches for your stuff and just an open shower area with showers along one wall. I was the only one in there and so put my running stuff and my boots and jeans on a bench and took my shower. As I took my shower I was aware some women came in and left, but I was kind of in a cloud of steam, and when I was done, realized I was still the only one in there. So I walked out feeling pretty good, and was definitely shocked to see there was a whole line of extremely angry women clutching their towels and showering stuff waiting outside. I got a serious tongue lashing (in at least 2 different languages) especially by the older women. There was no way to get a word in edge wise, they were 100% sure I was a very insolent boy by having seen my clothes on the bench and just my silhouette in the shower steam. I didn’t understand most of the tongue-lashing, but it was crystal clear they would not be tolerating me taking a shower in there again. Even today, I would say if you are a very androgynous or butch woman you will be assumed to be male in Eastern Europe 9 times out of 10.

  3. @Germany,

    I'm sorry about what happened to you.

    I can spot butch women and they don't bother me. When I was younger, my hair was a lot shorter. Even today I don't look like other women, or dress "feminine". Women who have never known butch women are the ones who seem to have a problem.

    "Even today, I would say if you are a very androgynous or butch woman you will be assumed to be male in Eastern Europe 9 times out of 10."

    I'm a bit on the butch side and I've never had any problems using restrooms. I don't look feminine by any stretch of the imagination, but people can tell that I'm female. I would never use a men's restroom because I wouldn't feel safe in one, and I've heard that they are dirtier than women's restrooms. I would take my chances in a women's restroom any day. Gender neutral restrooms are great. There should be more gender neutral restrooms.

    I'm just butch, and I'm a woman. I have a right to be in a women's restroom because I am woman.

  4. Yeah, same sort of thing here; I shaved my head quite a few times as a kid (under age 11), and even when wearing something that OBVIOUSLY showed that I had no penis (eg. a bikini at the beach), kids and/or parents would decide I was male, despite my obviously female name, and/or my family stating that yeah, I was a girl.
    I mean, I understood when someone messed it up when I was in normal clothing (loose pants/etc.), but come on, it's pretty obvious who's a boy and who's not in a bikini, even if the subject is 8.

  5. It's rare that people think I'm a dude. My hair is very short and I wear men's clothes, but still I don't seem to look like a guy. The few times it happened were okay, because I don't give a shit.
    It's funny if it happens, because most times they see the mistake and feel very uncomfortable. :)

    About public restrooms. If there's a long line for the women's room, I just go in the mens's room. I do that often, especially at festivals. No men ever said something to me.
    But if I stand next to them and use my STP, they get really confused. LOL

    I've been in Eastern Europe a lot and know these campground showers. That must have been so weird, people can be so dumb. ;)


  6. @dirt and Germany, I'm female and I would be proud to share a restroom with you.

  7. @Big,

    I understand where you are coming from, but I'm a bit on the butch side and would never use a men's restroom. If more butch women just stated out loud and proud that they are female and deserve to be in the women's restroom like every other female, maybe more women would get it and not be weird about it.

    I think it's a matter of exposure. Many straight, super frilly, dainty femmy women aren't used to seeing butch women. As more and more butch women "transition" and start using men's restrooms, it just makes it that much harder for proud, strong, and beautiful butch women to use women's restrooms because the skinny little Barbie doll femms aren't used to seeing butches. Butches who know they are female and love and cherish the fact that they are female are being pushed out. This is wrong, and this is why butch visibility is so crucial.

    As for me, I was a tomboy growing up and had my hair short. I was mistaken for a boy many times. Still, people know I'm female because I would never bind my breasts. Despite not being "feminine", they can see that I look female.

    Again, I think it's a matter of butch visibility.

    @ Big, I wouldn't stand next to a man using a urinal. It's just down right creepy to me. It's just the way I am. I know where you are coming from, but I would never use a men's restroom unless I absolutely had to. As to STP devices, what is so special about peeing standing up? For a female, I don't understand the need to use a STP device. I think peeing standing up is a male thing. Even men can pee sitting down if they wanted to. Peeing standing up is kind of like a macho thing. I guess if the only thing available was a urinal, a STP device might come in handy. I would feel weird using a STP. I would say, to heck with this, and just use a regular toilet.

    @Big, Butch Pride...love and respect you

  8. @Big

    If there's a long line for the women's room, I just go in the mens's room. I do that often, especially at festivals. No men ever said something to me.

    I can see using the men's restroom out of necessity. Women have been known to do this every now and then. I've seen one woman stand outside the men's restroom to make sure a guy didn't come in there. Another woman would quickly go in the men's restroom and come right out. I saw this happen once.

    Having said this, there is another aspect of this issue that I think people are missing. If females can use the men's restrooms, why can't males use the women's restrooms? I want to keep males out of women's restrooms and locker rooms. I don't care what anyone says. The more males (this includes males in drag) are granted permission to use women's restrooms and locker rooms, sooner or later some guy is going to game the system. I'm totally opposed to "gender identity" laws that trample on the privacy rights of females. I'm sure everyone who reads this blog has heard about Colleen Francis the man who basically got by with exposing his male genitalia to teenage girls. He claimed "gender identity". AB1266 in California essentially gutted the privacy rights of female students. The way that most of these "gender identity" laws are written sex reassignment surgery is optional. These are fully intact biological males. All they have to do is identify as a woman. I don't care how they identify, or whether or not they wear a dress. If they still have a penis, stay the heck out of the women's restroom and locker room. We are seeing gender identity laws trample on the privacy rights of females.

    If we say that females can use men's restrooms, then why can't males use women's restrooms and locker rooms. There is no way in hell I want males in the restroom I use. Gender neutral restrooms are great, and they probably should have more of them.

  9. @Big

    I want to follow up on the February 7, 2014 at 4:34 PM post.

    Even after it was revealed that Paula Witherspoon is a registered sex offender who molested a teenage girl, trans activists still defended his right to use the women's restroom. No, you can't make this shit up. Thomas Lee Benson is a cross dressing registered sex offender who has a history of sneaking into women's locker rooms. Then, there are voyeurs who have always perved on women's restrooms. In May 2013, a man dressed as a woman was caught videotaping women. He took hours of videos inside women's restroom.


    Studies that go back decades clearly show that paraphilia (voyeurism, sexual fetishes, etc.) are far more common in males. I'm not saying that women can't have some weird ass sexual fetish, but they are more common in males (pedophilia, voyeurism, etc.) Males are far more likely to be registered sex offenders too. So, all in all, I don't want males in the women's restroom or locker room. I know the trans community doesn't want to hear it, but transwomen, cross dressing males are no better or worse than other males when it comes to crime statistics. Ronnie Darnell who is serving time in an Oklahoma prison for raping a 13 year old girl is one of several male prisoners who claim "gender identity" and expect the prison system to pay for their female hormones and their sex reassignment surgery.

    If you don't think cross dressing is a sexual fetish, read this blog. Autogynephilia is a dirty little secret that trans activists deny. I'm not saying all tranwomen are autogynephiles who get boners by dressing up as women, but stop denying it exists.


    Scroll down to This is Transgender. Trans activists refuse to acknowledge any of this. They don't have special "lady brains". Cross dressing males and transwomen are no better or worse than other males. The way these gender identity laws work, pretty much any male in a dress can claim "gender identity". It pisses me off, and I will fight this shit until hell freezes over. It's gotten completely out of hand and most people know it. The privacy rights of women are being raped and common sense is being thrown out the window for p.c. bullshit. Sorry for being so blunt and honest.

  10. More on why males don't belong in the women's restroom or locker room even if they "identify as a woman". I'm not buying into the idea that they are all fluffy and have special "lady brains" just because they wear a dress. Deep in our hearts women know this is true. There is a concerted effort to convince us to ignore our gut feelings.


    Second, regarding any crime, male-to-females had a significantly increased risk for crime compared to female controls (aHR 6.6; 95% CI 4.1–10.8) but not compared to males (aHR 0.8; 95% CI 0.5–1.2). This indicates that they retained a male pattern regarding criminality. The same was true regarding violent crime. By contrast, female-to-males had higher crime rates than female controls (aHR 4.1; 95% CI 2.5–6.9) but did not differ from male controls. This indicates a shift to a male pattern regarding criminality and that sex reassignment is coupled to increased crime rate in female-to-males. The same was true regarding violent crime.

  11. @Big,

    Because I'm a bit on the butch side, I just go in the women's restroom and do my business then leave. I don't even look women in the eye or strike up a conversation. It's in, do my business, then get out. I might check my hair in the mirror. As a lesbian, I don't want any woman to even get the idea that I might be coming onto them. Butch kind of means lesbian to most straight women. I've experienced more hostility from other women based on the fact that I'm lesbian than the idea that they think I'm a guy.

  12. Femininity is socially constructed. How a woman dresses or how she wears her hair doesn't matter in the long run.

  13. No wonder you are down on transgenders so much! That must be awful, being accused of being in the wrong bathroom, especially considering that there are males who pass well enough that they can use the ladies room without any problems at all! Thank god we have people like you to point them out and make them feel your pain!

    Imagine that, though..... you do your best to look, dress, and act like a male, and other women have the nerve to think you ARE one!

  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

  15. ^^^^^^^
    By mine honour, if I were but two hours younger, I’d beat thee. Methink’st thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee.

  16. @ 5:33 -You are right about that weird feeling of not wanting anyone to think we might be coming onto them, so not making much eye-contact, especially with the Barbie-doll type women who may be in the bathroom. It’s sad, but true.
    @1:58 – It’s mostly just having short hair, no one is “acting like a man” in the women’s bathroom. “Acting like a man” is what ftm’s do when they go in the men’s bathroom and have all this gear they need to try and pee standing up. We know from the videos most end up sitting and peeing in the stall, after all.

  17. Not being funny but YOU choose to look like that! You could so easily appear more "feminine" but alas you choose to be "butch".
    "Butch" being dirty, unkempt, unclean. You look after yourself in the way a man does. You wear clothes usually created for men. And you get a bit annoyed when people see you as a man??
    You say I wish people would look a little closer BUT then you'd accuse the males for being perverts because they're staring at your boobs...

    Im not saying "femme" yourself. But when ive seen U in videos/pictures I won't deny that U look like a guy, there's not an ounce of woman in you. Which makes me wonder why your against the transguys so much. Not every transguy started off as a two-bit lesbo. The ones i personally know from lgbt groups were all straight. And are now gay. (they've always liked guys).
    And strangely this is the first post ive actually felt you come across as a human. Because i can actually understand that this really angers and upsets you.
    Its not a nice feeling, yet you anger and upset transguys on a daily basis.
    PS. Also i wanna know about your thoughts on us intersex people.(i may have missed it if uve done one already!)
    Because you believe transmen to be fake, and forced under pressures of the patriachal society.
    What about those of us that aren't specifically male or female? Are we fake? Are we silly because we have operations? Is it the patriachal society that says that we "shouldn't" be like this? Am i to be condemned to hate also? Is a MAAB lesbian not really a lesbian woman despite having ovaries? Ovatestes? what about those who have the chromosomes xy but are actually women? The men with xx? Those with xxy, xxx, xyx, etc? Would they not be "lesbians"?


  18. ^^^ this kid ^^^^

  19. My oh my, was my post a bit disturbing? ;)
    I'm not a buth, I live in the Netherlands where the butch femme dynamic hardly excists.
    I only go into men's rooms if there's a huge line in front of the women's.
    I use an STP in public restrooms because they're way to dirty to sit on. No bid deal. It's just peeing. ;)


  20. I use an STP in public restrooms because they're way to dirty to sit on. No bid deal. It's just peeing. ;)


    February 9, 2014 at 2:02 PM

    @Big, I understand the part about dirty restrooms. There are some toilet seats I wouldn't want to sit on. I don't sit on them. Instead, I kind of hover over them, or try to use one of those paper things. I can see where you are coming from. The main reason I brought up STP devices is because some transmen use them so they can pass as male. Peeing standing up is considered a macho thing.

  21. @Big
    so you just carry around a plastic "pee dick" with you wherever you go? That seems pretty weird.....

  22. Not being funny but YOU choose to look like that! You could so easily appear more "feminine" but alas you choose to be "butch".

    "Masculinity" and "femininity" are socially constructed. Whether or not a woman wears short or long hair, or pants or a dress are external factors so to speak. They are still both female, and this is what counts. They both urinate basically the same way, and they both have a female reproductive system. Why does this have to be so difficult? All people have to do is look between the legs. Is there a penis there? Is male and female based on the type of hair cut or choice of clothes? No, it isn't. Male and female are biological realities. Females exist in and of themselves. We can take off our clothes at night, but we can't change our biological sex.

    Moreover, it's amazing to me how people who have been around butch women have a way of picking out the differences between a butch woman and a male. I know this might sound strange, but I don't see butch women as "male". It's mainly the people who have little exposure to butch women who can't pick out these subtle differences.

    I can understand why some feminine women, especially if they are straight would be afraid of butch women in a women's restroom. Where would they get this idea?

    According to some homophobic transgender activists, "lesbimen" "trick straight women into places they can rape them." What exactly are "lesbimen"? They comprise any woman (bisexual, lesbian, or perhaps even straight) who transgender activists don't like. Awful "lesbimen" have the audacity to say three thing (1.) males are not female, (2.) No amount of hormones or surgery will turn a male into a female or a female into a male (3.) "gender identity" laws have gotten insanely out of hand - males don't belong in women's restrooms.

    7)Lesbians are secure enough in who they are they don't need a "safe space". (*women don't need safe space not even when we are using a restroom or locker room)

    LESBIMEN use the idea of a "safe space" to trick straight women into places they can rape them.



    What did transgender activists do when it was revealed that Paula Witherspoon is a registered sex offender? They still defended his right to use a women's restroom.



  23. PS. Also i wanna know about your thoughts on us intersex people.(i may have missed it if uve done one already!)

    In my opinion, it's disgraceful how transgender activists have shamelessly co-opted the word intersex and used it for their own particular political reasons.

    On this very blog, disorders of sexual development have been discussed numerous times. Indeed, we have discussed it at great length. Rae disorders of sexual development are NOT the same as transgender. Before trans activists shamelessly co-opted the word intersex, disorders of sexual development were commonly known as intersex. Disorders of sexual development are actual rare genetic and medical conditions whereas transgender is basically a psychological diagnosis and/or a cultural identity. Every major intersex organization makes a distinction between intersex and transgender. It kind of goes like this. For a long time, intersex people just went about their daily business, living their lives. Then, transgender activists came along and said, "Well, if a male says he 'feels like a woman inside', he must have some kind of special 'lady brain'". Therefore, they are intersex too. No, it doesn't work this way. They know it's true, but every time transgender is brought up, people drag up disorders of sexual development.

    Ovatestes? what about those who have the chromosomes xy but are actually women? The men with xx? Those with xxy, xxx, xyx, etc? Would they not be "lesbians"?

    "what about those who have the chromosomes xy but are actually women"

    Is this person referring to androgen insensitivity which is an actual disorder of sexual development?

    The men with xx?

    There are no male XX. Is this person referring to females with CAH? CAH females are technically still female.

    Those with xxy, xxx, xyx, etc?

    XXY is Klinfelters which is a DSD, XXX is just a female with an extra X chromosome

    I have nothing but respect for individuals with rare disorders of sexual development. What is the point of brining up DSD when it's been covered before. Transgender is not the same as disorders of sexual development. It's my understanding that "gender identity" isn't considered a disability under ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) UNLESS it's based on a physical condition. Before the hormones and surgery, the vast majority of trans identified people are no different physically than other people. Still, this doesn't stop transgender activists from claiming that they are intersex because of their "special lady brain", because they "feel like a woman inside", or whatever.

    Does the existence of rare disorders of sexual development mean that biological sex doesn't exist? No, it doesn't because even DSD come from sexual reproduction. All primates reproduce sexually. Humans are nothing more than primates with more brain power.

  24. Is a MAAB lesbian not really a lesbian woman despite having ovaries?

    What exactly does this mean? Does this person mean "despite not having ovaries"? Doesn't MAAB mean "male assigned at birth". First of all, no one is "assigned" male at birth. People are born male or female, and in rare cases with genetic and medical conditions (disorders of sexual development). Second, males don't have ovaries. Third, males who identify as women and are attracted to women are still male. They aren't lesbian. Because the anatomy is still different even after sex reassignment surgery, males who undergo SRS will never completely know how women feel when they are sexually aroused. Even with a surgically constructed "neovagina", he will never know how women feel. It's basically extensive plastic surgery on healthy genitals. Keep in mind that a vagina is an actual organ that is part of the female reproductive system. It's not an artificially constructed cavity in the human male. The inside of the vagina is completely different than the skin of the penis which is inverted to line the surgically created cavity called a "neovagina". Sometimes a section of the colon is used to line the inside of the "neovagina". Lesbians who are female don't have inverted penis skin fashioned into a "neovagina". The only purpose of a "neovagina" is to act as a receptacle for penetration. A vagina acts as a birth canal. It's connected to the uterus. Babies enter the world through the vagina. What does a "neovagina" do? It sits there waiting to be penetrated, and it makes some males feel "feminine". Like all wounds in the body which naturally try to constrict and heal, a "neovagina" has to be dilated by rods or whatever so it won't shrink up. This is basically for life.

    Males are not lesbian.

  25. As far as I know, the development of testes instead of ovaries depends on the SRY gene and a handful of other genes. If SRY is transposed onto the X chromosome, it's possible to be XX with testes, and if it is absent from the Y chromosome, it is possible to be XY with ovaries, or more often streak gonads. It is also possible to have chimerism, with XX in some tissues and XY in others. All these are uncommon. It is more common to have hormonal issues.

    - Mary

  26. i'm intersex and currently living my life as male, which i am genetically, but wasn't made aware of until later in life. i only mention this because when i was living as and female identified, i encountered problems like this all time. i remember walking into washrooms and people would just stare, until i'd say, "i'm in the right washroom," or something similar. i can't believe the anxiety washroom use, used to cause me, in my opinion it's ridiculous.

  27. I don't understand why a medically 'intersex' person would read and post on a feminist blog about transgenderism. And does that comment suggest that dykey dykes who get eyed suspiciously in the ladies' will one day suddenly and conveniently discover they're intersex?

  28. If you can't understand, you need to open your eyes and mind a little wider. The poster was trying to sympathize, or so it appears to me. If you can't see that, it's rather sad. It appears to me this person didn't like the way they were treated in the female bathroom in past, but they no longer deal with it anymore do to now living as a male. Maybe this person is also a feminist? Maybe this person doesn't like that biological females can't be comfortable in private spaces created for them? I really don't know, it did look this way to me and I hope this poster responds again.

    As to why would an intersex person read and comment on this blog, well, I know two intersex people who read this blog a lot. They read it because they're sick of the transgender community claiming they're "intersex" and lying to attempt further acceptance and so people won't look at them as though they have mental issues. Compared to the intersex community, here in America, the transgender community has many privileges and rights the intersex community does not.


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