Hey.. My name is ----- I am a 24 year old female. I am really glad I found your site. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought this way. That the desire to transition was not a case of wrong body, but wrong society. Especially with my age and social group, were I to voice such an opinion, I would be labeled "intolerant" or "ignorant".
About myself, I have always gone against the typical female
archetype grain. Well, not always.. As a kid and young teen, I did not
think of such things, of how I should present myself, if I was socially
acceptable or whatnot. My insides matched my outsides, it was as simple
as that. I liked sharks, soccer, and dragonball z, and I also liked
myself. But as high school came around, I felt pressured by my peers and
my mother, to "fit in". I felt like if I didn't wear make-up or "girl
clothes", then I was ugly, invalidated as a person. It was then that I
began to realize that I was also attracted to women.
At my school and at
home, there was no dialog about homosexuality, and if there were it was
always in a negative way. I began to internalize these feelings of
self-hatred, I felt I was unacceptable, and I didn't want to try and fit
in, but was not bold enough to completely go against the grain either. I
began to cut myself. I started listening to metal, and other dark,
heavy music, in which I identified my own anger and hatred. I wore
black, I started talking back at home and at school. I was taken out of
school and sent to boarding school, which I was in turn expelled from
for getting caught self-mutilating. I was then sent to continuation
school with other social rejects.
At that point I was 15 and started
experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I did not allow myself to act on
my feelings for other women, and instead, at times, got intoxicated and
let men do what they wanted with me because that is what I thought I was
supposed to do. My acts of self-mutilation increased, as did my drug
Fast forward to age 22. I have run my life into the ground. I am
without money, a job, purpose, and am thoroughly addicted to heroin. By
this point I have had several twisted relationships with "straight
girls" who claim that they would be with me, if only I were a man. I
feel wrong in my life, and in my body. I had been contemplating
transitioning for months by that point. I knew that something was wrong
with me. And transgenderism seemed to explain the void in me, and in my
life perfectly. However, being a ravenous drug addict, I was without
resources at that point. I ended up going to rehab for 9 months. I got
sober and gained hope for a brighter future. I have been sober ever
since, and much happier and comfortable with myself. I cut my hair
short, wear only mens clothes now, and I feel at home in my own skin.
Last year, a fellow lesbian in my sober social circle, came out as
transgender. She garnered much attention and support from the community,
even receiving enough money from the folk cd she made, singing about
being transgender, in order to fund her top surgery. I had finally
become content with myself, and now I see my innermost fantasy played
out right in front of my eyes, with seemingly no negative consequence! I
began to resent this individual, and I contemplated why. Was I jealous?
I felt that I wanted to transition but I couldnt because my family
wouldnt accept it, because it would be difficult to find a job, because I
am not as charming as she is, to garner such loving support. But lately
I have felt like there is more to it.
I feel like I am this gender
rebel, almost. I finally have enough inner peace to not care about what
others think about me, I can dress however I want, be interpreted as
male, or as a mystery, and I dont care. And then this girl comes along,
and kind of... invalidates me. What she did, feels like she took away
some of the power I felt I possesed. For her to say 'I am male, I am all
things that go along with male; power, strength, being worthy of
respect', subconsciously made me feel boxed into the antithesis, into
weak, second-rate, femininity . I do not accept that role of second
class human being, but that does not make me male! I can feel like I
dont fit the norm, and that is perfectly okay. But just because I dont
fit into one stereotype that means I must fit into another stereotype?
And this diatribe of bullshit is coming from the mouths of the "free
thinking youth", the people who claim to be all accepting. They act as
if they are all alternative, while they adhere to society's strict
guidelines of defining who you are, and who they think you should be!
And when I open my mouth to express this thought, I am wrote off and
shunned. All the lesbians I know either identify with this trans-trend,
or are are propagators of it. So then I am stuck with males who
constantly make jokes about how I am a man, or how I am a women so I
must... ect. I don't know. I feel like people are so concerned with
being "accepted" that they are too afraid to go out into the world and
brake down social barriers.
You are right, transgenderism is a trend,
and it is growing at an alarming frequency, and mostly within the
lesbian community. It does stem from misogyny, I realize that now.
Before, when I wanted to transition, I hated myself for being female. I
felt trapped in being a woman, as if I could find freedom in being a
man. When in reality, I was just brainwashed into hating women, and
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