Thursday, May 23, 2013

Detransition-A Young Transman's Story Back to Womanhood

Hey dirt and readers,

Wow, this is somewhere I thought I’d never end up. But life has a habit of taking you to those places and if you resist, you are not living freely, you are in a cage of your own making. There may be no rhyme or reason to the universe or to life itself. Maybe we just wake up in these places and we’re sleep-walking most of the time, until we wake.

Whatever the case is, I’m young. 22 years old. I thought I hated you and every radfem that existed at one point. Hell, I thought feminism was a joke too. I thought I could not resign myself to female living, to the heroism of men, the subservience of politeness, the sweetness of smiles, the softness and posture of an inactive and passive body made to fondle.

Now? I’m a dyke who cherishes my androgyny, my strength and I start to feel my heart bloom a little when I read radfem writings. 

And I am detransitioning. I’ve already told my family and friends, I have gone off the hormones (that nearly killed me, more on that later) and I am ready to live again, because I have never really lived before. I am so damn excited.

Let’s start earlier. Same story as most: I was a little girl who hated being a little girl. I hated being ‘precious’ and I hated that I wasn’t allowed to be as surly as I pleased. Never a fan of hugs, eye-contact or the attention of crowds, I took my place in the corner with a stack of novels at family functions and eyed everyone warily. In my musical lessons, I insisted on dressing as Indiana Jones for a costume-themed recital and sang the bloody fare featured in Sweeny Todd with the same bellowing joy as Len Cariou. I wanted to stand there with wild hair and a mad glint in my eye while someone adored me, in a mature, admiring manner without any of the condescension I was doled out regularly.

My own father would assign me nicknames which made me cringe. He would touch me fondly despite my very honest and disapproving shouting and growling in discomfort. I would cry when I wore dresses. I constructed intricate systems of pulleys around the house and preferred animal figurines to cars, dolls or any of the gender-normative fare. Stories were often my playground as well, I relished coming up with the most toe-curling horror narratives possible. I was called into the school by a disapproving principal whom insisted a mob of angry parents called in and told her their children were too frightened to sleep.

Guess it worked.

Despite all this, there was darkness to me. I did not fit. I was constantly bullied by girls who offered to coach me how to be cool and shoved up against bathroom walls with death threats galore. I was told to reveal more skin and my child’s body was under scrutiny constantly, giving me serious bulimia that progressed to anorexia and self-harm by nine years old. I had been molested by an older cousin when I was very young.

Having been logical in all things since I could form words (I once argued my way into cookies for breakfast after proving the sugar content was exactly the same) and consistently frustrated by emotions, inconsistency and a lack of creativity on the parts of others, I got along better with the boys, who seemed to be more preoccupied with shooting each other with laser beams and fighting with light sabers as we reenacted Star Wars on the jungle gym.

I also became a very adept liar, coming up with excuses for why I had vomited, which I reasoned I couldn’t hide for very long, so I might as well come up with a good story and hide my problem in plain sight. 

I kissed girls underwater as we played ‘Titanic’, I found I related to Leonardo DiCaprio’s inoffensive, gentle, beautiful brand of masculinity and his respect for his lady, Rose, the sacrifices he was willing to make. I did not cry at the end of the movie, instead, quietly resolving that I would be a hero one day, like him. Not like Rose. I did not want to be saved, I did not want to look soft, beautiful and sad in my gilded cage. I wanted to be physical, I wanted to explore, I wanted to impress people with my dexterity of mind and body and I wanted to save people. I wanted to have the room to fall in love with the ‘wrong’ person and do some crazy things.

Boys were my friends, but I would not be anyone’s girlfriend. I could not see myself as a woman in a powersuit with sleek hair, nor as a teenage girl in a high-school uniform. I could not see myself in women. I saw myself in the saucy lankiness of scruffy rock gods, the devil-may-care grins of thrill seekers in films, the deep pain of confusion written on the faces of James Dean and Johnny Depp, but I could not see myself in any of the women I looked at.

Gays were not hated in my home, they simply didn’t exist. My mother was a ‘tomboy’ when she was younger, which meant she had short hair and didn’t like to give into the whims of people around her. My dad was a hard-working man who made his way through medical school after being kicked out of his home by his single mother and battling a drug problem. They were admirable people, but they didn’t understand my pain upon breaking up with my first girlfriend or why I wore suits, why I cropped my hair. 

My mother, who went through hell and back to have me, grew very uneasy with me as the word ‘lesbian’ was uttered. I denied it. Vehemently. I didn’t want her to be disgusted with me. 

I went to a new school and my classmates tormented me for my short hair. “Dyke”, “lezzie” and other venomous hissing was directed at me. There were girls who were curious, tentatively kind to me and enjoyed my attention, but they ultimately stayed friends and did little to defend me. 

Enter middle school. Curiosity reigned supreme in my circle of friends, while I was confused at the sentiment. I was only doing what felt natural to me. I was only being whom I knew how to be and that was, well... masculine. And carrying on relationships with other females. 

I delighted in being called ‘such a guy’ by them when I didn’t know what shampoo I used, I just poured the stuff on my head, I was adventurous, brooding and I did not want to be a ‘lesbian’. I hated my breasts. I hated my period. I hated these markers of being a ‘girl’, everything my behavior said I was not.

Not knowing what to do, or seeing a future for myself, I floated until I found the transgender community. I had not known about it until my early teens, but immediately, I knew what had been wrong. I was a boy. I knew I could not be a girl with a pair of breasts, the looks I got, the weight ‘she’ held, my parents insisting I just needed to be tutored on ‘boy-girl’ relationships to my counselors.

At 15, I came out to my friends, who accepted the idea, of course. I had always been such a guy, right? None of them had any protests. I came out to my family, who said, ‘absolutely not’. But I knew better, I had been taught better. They were oppressing me. They were transphobic, they were not allowing me to find my core identity and express it. They wanted me to be unhappy and just deal with it.

My body-dysphoria became so unbearable, I thought about mutilating my breasts myself, as I attended a Christian school that only served to tell me the grimmest future possible for women. I would not. I could not. I would be free. I would be strong, lean and sharp. No one would see me as a prize or a child, I would grow up and people would RESPECT me.

I was allowed to see a gender-therapist after suicide attempts and much pleading, after meeting the criteria she had put forth for an appointment (functionality, passing grades, get back in school [I dropped out for two months due to my depression and eating disorder]).

She told my parents I had severe gender dysphoria and recommended they help me seek treatment. My other therapist (non-gender related therapy) was not quite on board with this, but said nothing, as this was not her specialty. 

I was resolute. I would be attractive and androgynous, like David Bowie, but I would be a hero because I was a man. I would love other men, I would not associate with women and I had never REALLY been a lesbian, right? That was just high school. That word, the hiss of the ‘s’ against the pop of the ‘b’, the pornographic images it inspired and the disgust people had treated me with, instilled in me, would be erased.

At 17, I took my first shot of testosterone. Shortly before my 18th birthday, I had my breasts removed. I wanted to be stealth, but I was a regular at a few support groups and received affirmation, congratulations every step of the way. The kind I had never gotten. This was good, I was doing WELL for once. I was not a messed-up dyke. I was just a sensitive guy, a rebel. I would be perfect now.
I got a girlfriend, two... no great loves there. It was no surprise. I had decided I was a gay man. I wanted to be hurt by someone with strength. I didn’t want any fragility or gentleness. I wanted someone who wasn’t frivolous and who held gravitas, as women were not afforded. I had a sexual encounter with a gay man that started off as consensual and ended up with him raping me. I had a consensual encounter with a bisexual man. A bi-curious friend from high school assaulted me as well and so did a strange in a gay club. I was proud of these encounters, they affirmed my identity and I did not see them for what they were: events that left me with crippling PTSD, eventually.

I had a third girlfriend post transition, a straight woman. We talked for a very long time, became close and I divulged my history to her. She didn’t mind. She was very feminine and I could not connect to it, but there was something else to her, some fire that I liked. We played husband and wife, we were good in our roles as ‘just a boy and a little girl trying to change the whole wide world’. But it soured. Something wasn’t right. She was uncomfortable and I felt strange, playing boyfriend.

Then illness set in. My weight plummeted involuntarily and I was in bed for weeks at a time/handicapped due to GI issues that no doctor seemed to be able to pin-point. I had pancreatitis every so often and was on a liquid diet. My skin was yellowing. My hair was falling out. My eyes were dull and my skin was mottled, the acne had not gone away as I was told it would.

After being told that there was nothing, nothing at all, after an invasive series of tests and my own extensive research to guide the so-called specialists, I stumbled onto a piece of information about the role of sex hormones in the GI tract. 

I had found it. I knew the effects of serotonin on the gut, where most hormones resided... but I had no idea, the effect that testosterone could have on the LES and the motility of the gut. I had no idea that my sexual organs were withering. I had no idea I had atrophy and prolapse due to the hormones I was taking and when I found out, I breathlessly, silently started tapering down. 

This event coincided with my personal education on misogyny, the history of feminism, the importance of feminism and the subtle, insidious ways that the patriarchy poisoned my great mind, my mind WITHOUT A GENDER. MY BEAUTIFUL BRAIN. MY DANGEROUS, DARING, SHARP HEMISPHERES. I had believed that men and women had different brains, as the trans narrative goes. Gendered brains. No. No, not so. Epigenetics stresses the importance of environment in genetic development. Activity in the brain does not different structures make. Women are not beholden to certain postures or clothing that deforms them. Women do not need men. Women do NOT have to hate each other and women do not have inherent interests or obligations. Women are HUMAN BEINGS WHO HAVE TO FIGHT TO BE SEEN AS SUCH.

I realized I would have to make peace with my body because I would never hate women so much that I would choose death or a life withering a way to flood my body with testosterone. I realized that being female was not a cage for me. It was a new world. It was the me that I had knocked out and dragged to sea in the night. It was the me that I had been separated from forcibly. I could be a hero. I could demand to be heard. I could be crude, logical and wear my body the way I pleased, just as men are encouraged to. I could be a dyke and I could LOVE myself again, as a gay woman. I had every right to stand up and shout and it took me that long to realize it.

I have made the decision to have reconstructive surgery on my breasts. I am legally changing back to my female birth sex. My girlfriend and I are now dyke-identified and both masculine-of-center gay women. We love each other and we love our lives, the life ahead of us, we love the community, we are full of love now. We both came out of the closet at the same time.

I am healing, I am repairing the physical damage, as I have already rejected the lesbophobia, the misogyny and the body/victim/presentation shaming I was raised with. I am questioning the community. I wonder about this word ‘queer’ and if having an ‘other’ really supports gender variance or kills it completely. Masculine women should not disappear because people hate women so much they cannot stand to be one, though they are not men. Men should not be green-lighted to become women and try to school them on female experience, try to tell us we’re oppressing them if they fetishize us and we don’t want any part of it or come up with terms like ‘transmisogyny’ when trans men are discriminated against for having female experience and are only safe in invisibility. It’s straight-up misogyny. Hate for women does not get a SPECIAL category by which they can accuse feminists of being anti-woman. That is the greatest insult of all.

Young women, like me, like others, need encouragement. We need understanding. We need someone to explain that ‘woman’ is not an insult or a sentence and that the lesbian community is full of love and opportunity to be who you are. 

I am ready to fight for you and with you. I am ready to fight for women of all sorts. Butches, femmes, masculine-of-centers, androgynous, those who cannot speak out because they are afraid or in danger. 

Dirt, I mean this... I understand you better now. I don’t agree with everything you do on your blog, but I understand you and where you come from, that you are full of concern and love for lesbians. Thank you for caring about women. Thank you for being butch. Thank you for talking about detransition. I don't hate you at all. In fact, I want to help you speak about the things no one else will. Your message of hope has helped me get through this incredibly painful process.

I am healing already. I'm out of bed. My skin is returning to it's normal color and texture. My hair is looking much better, my eyes are clear. My hair is short. I dress, talk, walk and sit however the hell I want to. The hair on my face is almost gone and I am breathing a deep sigh of relief.

So, there it is. Here I come, life.

Edit to add from the author:

Hi Dirt,
I see you posted my account, thank you! It feels nice to get that out, as I don't imagine I will be explaining the embarrassing ordeal to many people in my life as I go through it. Also, just so people understand, I am undergoing laser hair removal to reverse the effects of T. It is permanent and it will cease any new hair growth and remove what the T put there. I am the right skin/hair combination for this therapy to prove effective. I know people may not agree with the decision I've made to do this, as it may be viewed as conforming to a beauty standard, but the hair growth was truly abnormal for a woman to have and I would like to be able to return to the community feeling confident about my presence there, without wearing that mistake for the rest of my life. Stopping T thinned it out but did not make it disappear, that much is true. 

Thank you for being supportive, I appreciate your comments you made. I would have said this in comments but for some reason, they aren't going through... weird.

41 comments:

kathy said...

This is a breath-takingly beautiful, and brilliant narrative. Thank you for making it public-- i would hope to publish it more widely. I hope that the writer considers submitting to a journal, starting a blog, finding more public spaces to circulate. What a writer!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your story. You are so courageous - reading the stories of what young lesbians are going through is both harrowing and uplifting. That you found your way is inspiring; that you were left with no other path than to reject yourself and your body in the first place is absolutely terrible.
These modern day gender therapists are no different than the folk who used to authorise electro-shock therapy and lobotomies.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a story, thanks for sharing it. You went through a lot at such a young age, but I'm glad you found your path. I wish you the best and I hope you recover very well.
Much love to you!


Big

Anonymous said...

I wish I could write my story (I chose not to transition although I still experience crippling daily dysphoria), but, being english my third language, I'm afraid I wouldn't be as clear as I'd like to be. I contacted Dirt a few months ago by e-mail and wanted to do Skype sessions, but my fear made me rethink that. I was too fragile to share my deepest feelings with someone. Now I'm much more stable, but I'm still afraid to pour myself into sharing my story. I'm 24 and still unsure about my sexuality, very scared of change and diagnosed with severe/mild OCD. Just a mess, really. I wonder if anyone would even want to read my story at all.

Anonymous said...

(I'm the anon at 2:27 PM). I'd like to add that I was diagnosed with GID and could have gone through the Male Medical Machine to "change my gender", but radfems helped me see what a disaster that would've been. I'm very grateful to Dirt and Gallusmag especially. Thank you, with all my heart.

Baggypuss said...

Thank you, I am a rad fem and I am trans critical but nit transphobic but being transcritical is just not allowed but as a radical feminist surely we should be allowed to be critical about most things.

I am worried that the movement for trans is actually fuelled by the psychiatric medical model and the pharmacutical companies.

I am also worried not only is this mostly an attack on women but also gay men and women.

This piece is beautifully written I could really hear the pain of the writer.

We all struggle with our gender at some point in our life, I was a "tomboy" as a child and always wore trousers as a teenager in the 80s when everyone had a bubbly perm I mor or less shaved my head. I did not want a boyfriend and didn't fancy girls.

But as time has gone on I now only wear skirts or dresses and have long hair and live with my male partner because things change as does everything.

I think you always have to ask who makes money of of this transistioning, it defo isn't the transperson! But the psychiatrists, the surgeons and pharmacutical industries.

Why can't we just be ourselves? it makes sense to me that a girl would not want to be a girl or grow up to be a woman, why would you? Or why a man would hate to be a man, I totally empathise with both feelings but challenging misogyny and patriarchy can free us from the gender prisons.

Be a man with long hair and make up, wear what you like but don't insist that you are a woman. Be an androgenous dyke in a suit - why not? But you don't need to mutilate your body.

Anyway thank you for writing thi.

Anonymous said...

Seems like this person was forced to de-transition for medical reasons and is now making it seem like a choice they made. Very dramatic story, but disingenous.

Anonymous said...

False story. Probably written by Dirt.
However, you have never been a transsexual man.

Ok. You believe that male and female is determined only by genetics (true then you think maleness and femaleness are "not in your brain" and then pull out the epigenetics story telling us your sexual fantasies and your playing mom and dad game and your changing roles and bla bla bla.

No, this is not a GID story, sorry if you've waste part of your life believing in transgender queer folks.

Good luck and be happy as a woman.

Anonymous said...

...

So strange that you need to deny people born with transsexualism their right to live to get your rights.

It is not the same for transsexuals, on the contrary.

I ask you: could you be a butch lesbian, live as butch lesbian, be happy as a butch lesbian, without trying to deny other people lives and identities (male, White men, heterosexual men, heterosexual housewives, transsexuals in particular) ?

I doubt it

Whiteprivilegedman

Anonymous said...

I'm a pre-everything ftm and this is the only detransition story on here that didn't piss me off (my comments on those other stories were deleted by Dirt). At least this person is intelligent, butch and respectable unlike the other ones who were depicted as weak and mentally unstable. Yeah, I know the propaganda tactics radfem butch lesbians use with trans men but I'm glad it wasn't the case here.

I'm glad this person is right with herself and I agree with the message.

Anonymous said...

.. although there were some things didn't really add up as Whitepriviligedman says.

Anonymous said...

This is beautiful and brilliant. Thank you for telling your courageous story.

Anonymous said...

Hair on your face is almost gone?

Anonymous said...

sh I could write my story (I chose not to transition although I still experience crippling daily dysphoria), but, being english my third language, I'm afraid I wouldn't be as clear as I'd like to be. I contacted Dirt a few months ago by e-mail and wanted to do Skype sessions, but my fear made me rethink that. I was too fragile to share my deepest feelings with someone. Now I'm much more stable, but I'm still afraid to pour myself into sharing my story. I'm 24 and still unsure about my sexuality, very scared of change and diagnosed with severe/mild OCD. Just a mess, really. I wonder if anyone would even want to read my story at all.

I would love to hear your story!
I wrote my story and English isn't my first languange either, I'm Dutch. Your story counts too and I'm ready to read it, bring it on!
Hugs


Big

Anonymous said...

The hair on my face is almost gone

Really? Every single piece of medical literature I've read pertaining to testosterone in transgender people is very clear that hair growth, like hair loss, is irreversible. Can anyone here please provide good evidence to the contrary?

Dirt said...

Heath Atom Russell had the same experience. Might wanna read/watch her story/videos.

dirt

Anonymous said...

I just read Heath Atom Russell's account on GenderTrender and she said this:

The facial and body hair that I had gotten on “T” stayed put, but the growth noticeably slowed down within about 5 months of quitting. I still grow hair in places I didn’t before (ie some patches on my wrists and thighs) but within a year-ish it was no longer coming in dark and coarse like male hair, but had changed to fine and light like the body hair I have everywhere else. My “beard” ditto—it changed over to that downy, fine stuff most women grow especially as we get older, with the odd darker, wiry hair. Because I prefer not to be scrutinized for it, I shave it off with an electric razor about every couple of weeks.

So it didn't disappear, it became lighter and less coarse though Heath appears conscious of it enough to shave. I would question the account of a person who claims hair growth triggered by testosterone is "almost gone" when they cease its use. Changed yes, gone - doubtful.

I am also concerned about the aspirations of the young woman who has shared her account. She speaks of "seeing herself" in males. Is it not as equally destructive for a young female to "see herself" in the "perfect" images of women that we are bombarded with on a daily basis? What if this young woman had seen herself in a waif-thin actress rather than a rugged actor? I fear very much that she would still have suffered, and that the real issue here is copy-catting of anyone, male or female, rather than forming an individual identity where the feelings have come from that person themselves and not from the pressure of all society, and that includes other women.

Dirt said...

What is this woman's genetic make up? Is she light haired? Dark? Ginger? Fine? Etc. Males in my family have very little body hair. Does she come from a similar gene pool?

If your point is not to believe her experience, then dont. There are enough similar stories out there already and more on the way. My blog daily receives dozens of hits from trans females searching various search engines for things like "ftm detransition", "transman stopping T", "how do I stop taking T", "Im a transman and I regret my transition" etc etc etc.

This story, regardless of anyone's feelings toward it, is the tip of the iceberg.

And like her, I too only ever saw myself in males growing up. I didnt transition. I instead learned to love the female I was, not the man I could never be.

dirt

Anonymous said...

I didn't say I did not believe the entire account, only that the final statement should be questioned as you have yet to provide clinical proof that hair triggered by testosterone use fully diminishes once hormone use has ceased. You, and other visitors to this blog, are fond of citing medical sources when putting forward a case for the negative effects caused by testosterone, and it would benefit your argument if you could find a valid one concerning the cessation of facial hair growth. The triggering effect of testosterone is why people transitioning from male require electrolysis - because no amount of female hormone, natural or otherwise, can cease or reverse hair growth.

You're also dodging a perfectly valid question:

Is it or is it not damaging for young women to aspire to become "another person", even if that "other person" is female?

Breasts "too small"? Surgery can "fix that".

Your eyebrows getting "too much hassle"? Shave them off and get "new ones" tattooed on.

Feeling "too fat"? Well there's ways "around it" too.

Do you not see that it is the mindset of an individual that is the problem? If a young woman is unhappy with her body, she can end up on a course of self-destruction without ever learning of the existence of transgender people. I would enjoy seeing some posts from you about the "beauty industry" and how it poisons girls from an early age because I fear very much that this young woman would have ended up seeking some sort of clinical alteration to her body, transgender-related or not.

Anonymous said...

Do you not see that it is the mindset of an individual that is the problem? If a young woman is unhappy with her body, she can end up on a course of self-destruction without ever learning of the existence of transgender people. I would enjoy seeing some posts from you about the "beauty industry" and how it poisons girls from an early age because I fear very much that this young woman would have ended up seeking some sort of clinical alteration to her body, transgender-related or not.



I would enjoy seeing some posts from you about the "transitioning industry" and how it poisons girls from an early age because I fear very much that this young woman would have ended up seeking some sort of clinical alteration to her body, cosmetic surgery, botox, related or not.

Do you not see that it is the mindset of an individual that is the problem? If a young woman is unhappy with her body, she can end up on a course of self-destruction without ever learning of the existence of transgender people.

QUESTION: Which does more damage to healthy female anatomy and reproductive systems? Is it the "beauty industry" or FTM "transitioning"? Does this person know what "top surgery" and "bottom surgery" on a female entails? Besides drastically altering healthy female breasts, gentials, and reproductive systems, it goes one step further. It erase female identity itself. Perhaps this is the ultimate misogyny.

Anonymous said...

This event coincided with my personal education on misogyny, the history of feminism, the importance of feminism and the subtle, insidious ways that the patriarchy poisoned my great mind, my mind WITHOUT A GENDER. MY BEAUTIFUL BRAIN. MY DANGEROUS, DARING, SHARP HEMISPHERES. I had believed that men and women had different brains, as the trans narrative goes. Gendered brains. No. No, not so. Epigenetics stresses the importance of environment in genetic development. Activity in the brain does not different structures make. Women are not beholden to certain postures or clothing that deforms them. Women do not need men. Women do NOT have to hate each other and women do not have inherent interests or obligations. Women are HUMAN BEINGS WHO HAVE TO FIGHT TO BE SEEN AS SUCH.

Well stated....

Anonymous said...

Fake.

Anonymous said...


Do you not see that it is the mindset of an individual that is the problem? If a young woman is unhappy with her body, she can end up on a course of self-destruction without ever learning of the existence of transgender people. I would enjoy seeing some posts from you about the "beauty industry" and how it poisons girls from an early age because I fear very much that this young woman would have ended up seeking some sort of clinical alteration to her body, transgender-related or not.


I agree with you. The mind set of many women is not possitve. I worry about it too.
But this blog isn't about the beauty industry. It's about transtrenders.
I like blogs with a specific subject.

Big

Anonymous said...

@Big: Then why is the blog banner "Change the World Not Your Body"? That has no specific transtrender message.

@6:25: Yes I know what they are. In some posts here, every second comment contains a graphic description of these procedures. Dirt is quite fond of posting images as well. However, I am calling out the constant coverage of transgenderism as a smokescreen for the real problem. What exactly is the difference in motivation between a person who injects hormones and one who injects Botox? Elective mastectomy and elective breast augmentation? Are you aware of the PIP scandal? That you could walk into a clinic tomorrow with no background psychological assessments or checks, and have breast augmentation carried out if you have the money? How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants? Reduced foot surgery? Do you know how brutal these surgeries are? That you can walk into a nail bar and have an untrained teenager inject you with Botulinum toxin? What about this woman?

Dirt advocates for the erasure of the female identity. I say it is the erasure of the natural female identity, and that when women seek alterations to their body it does not matter if they look to transgender people, men or other women for "inspiration". Focusing on just transgenderism is not conducive to helping young women learn to love their bodies as they are. There is no question here as to what is "more" damaging. You must zip up the back if you cannot see how perfectly healthy female tissue is being altered and damaged in the pursuit of female identity. I would say that the patriarchy has a lot more to answer for when it comes to the elective surgeries that so many women desire.

Anonymous said...

Another fabricated story.

Anonymous said...

"sh I could write my story (I chose not to transition although I still experience crippling daily dysphoria), but, being english my third language, I'm afraid I wouldn't be as clear as I'd like to be. I contacted Dirt a few months ago by e-mail and wanted to do Skype sessions, but my fear made me rethink that. I was too fragile to share my deepest feelings with someone. Now I'm much more stable, but I'm still afraid to pour myself into sharing my story. I'm 24 and still unsure about my sexuality, very scared of change and diagnosed with severe/mild OCD. Just a mess, really. I wonder if anyone would even want to read my story at all.

I would love to hear your story!
I wrote my story and English isn't my first languange either, I'm Dutch. Your story counts too and I'm ready to read it, bring it on!
Hugs


Big"

Thank you for your encouraging words, but I'm too vulnerable right now. Maybe in a while :)

Anonymous said...

Dirt advocates for the erasure of the female identity.

NO, IT’S THE TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY THAT IS ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN ERASING FEMALE IDENTITY. IN MANY CASES, THEY ARE ALSO ERASING LESBIAN IDENTITY. NOT ONLY DOES THE PROCESS OF FTM “TRANSITIONING” RADICALLY ALTER HEALTHY FEMALE BREASTS, GENITALS, AND REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS, IF FTMs LEGALLY CHANGE THEIR SEX TO "MALE", THIS DEFNININTLY DOES ERASE FEMALE IDENTITY. HOW CAN RATIONAL PEOPLE SAY THAT FTM “TRANSITIONING” DOESN’T ERASE FEMALE IDENTITY WHEN FTM SAYS “FEMALE TO MALE” IN THAT THE FEMALE IS BEING REPLACED BY MALE?

Anonymous said...

Do you not see that it is the mindset of an individual that is the problem? If a young woman is unhappy with her body, she can end up on a course of self-destruction without ever learning of the existence of transgender people. I would enjoy seeing some posts from you about the "beauty industry" and how it poisons girls from an early age because I fear very much that this young woman would have ended up seeking some sort of clinical alteration to her body, transgender-related or not.

I agree with you. The mind set of many women is not possitve. I worry about it too. But this blog isn't about the beauty industry. It's about transtrenders. I like blogs with a specific subject.

The same plastic surgeons who perform "top surgery" and "bottom surgery" are also the same cosmetic surgeons that perform nose jobs, butt lifts, tummy tucks, and other procedures.

The subject is internalized misogyny that no female can completely be free of. All girls and women are constantly receiving culturally messages that say that their bodies are somehow ugly or repulsive. That is, unless they can be fixed through surgery or other means. It's rare for any female to feel completely secure about her own body.

I covered this subject before on this blog. Feminists have written eloquently about the cultural forces that drive women to seek out plastic surgeons, but fail to see or even recognize that internalized misogyny and/or lesbian phobia might play a role in one’s decision to “transition’.

I've argued that hyper-femininity and FTM "transitioning" are just the flip sides of the same coin in that both are largely fueled by internalized misogyny. It's interesting to note that we saw both an increase in hyper-femininity and FTM "transitioning" during second wave feminisms decline.

Why are the majority of cosmetic surgery procedures (90%) still carried out on women? What is it about women that they never seem to feel secure in their own skins? I contend that the body dysphonia that is so common in women that compels them to seek a surgical cure for this uneasiness with their bodies might also be a factor in "top surgery". We just don't want to admit this to ourselves. Isn't this possible? No one is allowed to discuss this at risk of being called "transphobic". If culture plays no role in how women view their bodies, then why are the vast majority of plastic surgery procedures carried out on women? I'm not opposed to all cosmetic procedures on women, but it has always been disturbing to me that 90% of plastic surgery patients are women, and the majority of surgeons are male. There definitely is something going on in our culture that causes women to search out surgical remedies for the intense discomfort with their bodies. Perhaps we need to understand some of these cultural forces. Through incessant advertising girls and women are made to feel insecure about their bodies, and plastic surgeons are eager to correct this deficiency.

Anorexia and bulimia are more common in girls and women. The disorder affects about 1% of adolescent girls and about 0.3% of males in the U.S.

Psychologist call teenage girls and women who have a compulsion to repeatedly scratch and cut their arms or other parts of their bodies "cutters". It’s estimated that about two million people in the U.S. injure themselves in some way. The majority are teenagers or young adults with young women outnumbering young men.


Anonymous said...

Dirt advocates for the erasure of the female identity I say it is the erasure of the natural female identity, and that when women seek alterations to their body it does not matter if they look to transgender people, men or other women for "inspiration". Focusing on just transgenderism is not conducive to helping young women learn to love their bodies as they are. There is no question here as to what is "more" damaging. You must zip up the back if you cannot see how perfectly healthy female tissue is being altered and damaged in the pursuit of female identity. I would say that the patriarchy has a lot more to answer for when it comes to the elective surgeries that so many women desire.

This is a very confusing paragraph. I'm struggling to understand what he or she is trying to say. What does this person mean when he or she says "female identity". FEMALES EXIST WHEREAS "FEMININITY" IS SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED AND FORCED UPON WOMEN AND GIRLS. The sixteen and seventeen year old girls in these videos think because they don't like dresses and make up, etc., this must mean that they are really boys because girls do such and such and boys do other things.

The young woman who detransitioned says it best:



Let’s start earlier. Same story as most: I was a little girl who hated being a little girl. I hated being ‘precious’ and I hated that I wasn’t allowed to be as surly as I pleased. Never a fan of hugs, eye-contact or the attention of crowds, I took my place in the corner with a stack of novels at family functions and eyed everyone warily. In my musical lessons, I insisted on dressing as Indiana Jones for a costume-themed recital and sang the bloody fare featured in Sweeny Todd with the same bellowing joy as Len Cariou. I wanted to stand there with wild hair and a mad glint in my eye while someone adored me, in a mature, admiring manner without any of the condescension I was doled out regularly."

Learning to cast aside sex based stereotypes and love and honor her true self..

"...I had believed that men and women had different brains, as the trans narrative goes. Gendered brains. No. No, not so. Epigenetics stresses the importance of environment in genetic development. Activity in the brain does not different structures make. Women are not beholden to certain postures or clothing that deforms them. Women do not need men. Women do NOT have to hate each other and women do not have inherent interests or obligations. Women are HUMAN BEINGS WHO HAVE TO FIGHT TO BE SEEN AS SUCH.







Anonymous said...

Lesbianism seems like a phase for the majority of women who participate in it.
For example, why do you see so many females who were "lesbians" in high school, college, or their twenties end up married to men later on?

Yes, I'm sure a dozen of readers to this specific blog are lifetime lesbians in their 40s, but you know that this is often the case with women that have had same sex relationships. Most of them do end up with men later on.

Anonymous said...

"Lesbianism seems like a phase for the majority of women who participate in it. For example, why do you see so many females who were "lesbians" in high school, college, or their twenties end up married to men later on?

(1.) They weren't really lesbian to begin with. This is true for many women.

(2.)There is far more social status and privilege in being heterosexual, particularly white and straight. Lesbians are still marginalized, and most teenage girls are terrified of the "lez" or "dyke" label.

(3.) Constant pressure from family, society, and friends to fit in places enormous pressure on lesbians.

(4.) Patriarchy uses the dreaded "lez" or lesbian label as a way to shoo or frighten uppity, opinionated women back into hetero-normativity.

Considering what lesbians go through just to survive, it's a miracle that we are still here. Patriarchy doesn't want women to know that heterosexuality is often a choice. This is why we are so reviled.

Anonymous said...

"Yes I know what they are. In some posts here, every second comment contains a graphic description of these procedures. Dirt is quite fond of posting images as well. However, I am calling out the constant coverage of transgenderism as a smokescreen for the real problem. What exactly is the difference in motivation between a person who injects hormones and one who injects Botox? Elective mastectomy and elective breast augmentation? Are you aware of the PIP scandal? That you could walk into a clinic tomorrow with no background psychological assessments or checks, and have breast augmentation carried out if you have the money? How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants? Reduced foot surgery? Do you know how brutal these surgeries are? That you can walk into a nail bar and have an untrained teenager inject you with Botulinum toxin? What about this woman?"

I think I can start to see where this person is trying to say. I've repeatedly said on this blog that the mutilation of the female body spans thousands of years of history. FTM "transitioning" is just a more extreme form of it. Several feminists have written articles about the cultural pressures placed on women that drive them to seek out plastic surgery, but, few, if any, see any link at all between internalized misogyny and FTM "transitioning". Of all the surgical procedures carried out on the female sex, FTM "top surgery" and "bottom surgery" radically alter healthy female anatomy more than anything that I'm aware of. "Transitioning" goes one step further in that it actually erases female identity.

I find it difficult to compare breast augmentation with "top surgery" in that the stated goal of "top surgery" or "chest masculinization" is to completely alter or remove the healthy female breasts in order to surgically create a "male" looking chest. More healthy breast tissue is removed in "top surgery".

Because male areolas and nipples are usually larger than female areolas, both areolas and nipples are literally cut off the female, reshaped down to size, and then sewn back on. Then, two large incisions are made to remove healthy breast tissue. I can't think of anything that so radically alters healthy female breasts than FTM "top surgery"


Dr. Daniel Medalie performs FtM top surgery double incision mastectomy with nipple grafting


I hope the link works. If not, just copy and paste the URL below. This is "top surgery" (double incision mastectomy with nipple grafting)


http://www.surgerytheater.com/video/6423/Dr.%20Daniel%20Medalie%20performs%20FtM%20top%20surgery%20(double%20incision%20mastectomy%20with%20nipple%20grafting)#.UaGYo77n-M8

Anonymous said...

"Yes I know what they are. In some posts here, every second comment contains a graphic description of these procedures. Dirt is quite fond of posting images as well. However, I am calling out the constant coverage of transgenderism as a smokescreen for the real problem. What exactly is the difference in motivation between a person who injects hormones and one who injects Botox? Elective mastectomy and elective breast augmentation? Are you aware of the PIP scandal? That you could walk into a clinic tomorrow with no background psychological assessments or checks, and have breast augmentation carried out if you have the money? How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants? Reduced foot surgery? Do you know how brutal these surgeries are? That you can walk into a nail bar and have an untrained teenager inject you with Botulinum toxin? What about this woman?


Yes, I'm aware that this going on.


ISN'T IT STRANGE THAT THE TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY NEVER TALKS ABOUT ANY OF THESE THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO TIED INTO THE MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT/PLASTIC SURGEONS/ENDOCRINOLOGISTS/"GENDER THERAPISTS, ETC. WHY WOULD THEY BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS THEM?

IS THIS PERSON AWARE OF PUBERTY SUPPRESSING DRUGS GIVEN TO 12 AND 13 YEAR OLD "TRANSGENDER CHILDREN"? HAS THERE EVER BEEN A TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY IN WHICH ADOLESCENCE, A NORMAL PART OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT, HAS BEEN INTENTIONALLY DELAYED BECAUSE OF WHAT AMOUNTS TO A PSYCHIATRIC DIAGNOSIS? SOME "GENDER THERAPISTS" START DIAGNOSING THESE CHILDREN AT FIVE OR SIX YEARS OF AGE.

Anonymous said...

"How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants? Reduced foot surgery? Do you know how brutal these surgeries are? That you can walk into a nail bar and have an untrained teenager inject you with Botulinum toxin? What about this woman?
"


I have discussed this subject on this blog in great length. It certainly isn't anything new.

Legend has it that the origins of footbinding go back as far as the Shang dynasty (1700-1027 B.C.). The Shang Empress had a clubfoot, so she demanded that footbinding be made compulsory in the court.

But historical records from the Song dynasty (960-1279 A.D.) date footbinding as beginning during the reign of Li Yu, who ruled over one region of China between 961-975

But the practice wasn't outlawed until 1912, when the Qing dynasty had already been toppled by a revolution. Beginning in 1915, government inspectors could levy fines on those who continued to bind their feet. But despite these measures, footbinding still continued in various parts of the country.

A year after the Communists came to power in 1949, they too issued their own ban on footbinding. According to the American author William Rossi, who wrote The Sex Life of the Foot and Shoe, 40 percent to 50 percent of Chinese women had bound feet in the 19th century. For the upper classes, the figure was almost 100 percent.

**Some estimate that as many as 2 billion Chinese women broke and bound their feet to attain this agonizing ideal of physical perfection. Author Yang Yang says that women with tiny feet were a status symbol who would bring honor upon the entire clan by their appearance.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=8966942

**Female genital mutilation (FGM), also known as female genital cutting and female circumcision, is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as "all procedures that involve partial or total removal of the external female genitalia, or other injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons."

The WHO estimates that 100–140 million women and girls around the world have experienced the procedure, including 92 million in Africa.

World Health Organization, February 2010

Anonymous said...

Posted on this blog...

"The high moral tone with which those in richer countries criticise female genital mutilation would be more credible if we in the rich North had not practised it and did not continue to practise it. We have conveniently forgotten that female “circumcision” was practised by the European and American medical professions in the 19th century as a cure for a wide variety of conditions including insomnia, sterility, unhappy marriage, and psychological disorders.6 It was advocated by no less a figure than the father of gynaecology, J Marion Sima.7 Jonathan Hutchinson, then president of the Royal College of Surgeons, enthusiastically advocated circumcision and “other measures more radical than circumcision” to prevent the adverse mental effects of masturbation as “a true kindness to many patients of both sexes.”8 The last known medical female circumcision in the richer world took place in Kentucky in 1953, on a girl aged 12. Our own sexually repressive use of female genital mutilation may be at the root of our misunderstanding of its role in other cultures."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1502236/

Anonymous said...

"How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants"

The following was posted on this blog.

http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2013/02/violence-against-women-1-billion-and.html

I ran across a fascinating and thought provoking article entitled, "Female Genital Mutilation: Whose problem, Whose Solution?" that states that western countries shouldn't feel so self-righteous after all.

Tackle “cosmetic” genital surgery in rich countries before criticising traditional practices elsewhere..

"The practice of female genital mutilation is on the increase nowhere in the world except in our so called developed societies. “Designer laser vaginoplasty” and “laser vaginal rejuvenation” are growth areas in plastic surgery, representing the latest chapter in the surgical victimisation of women in our culture. The procedures offered include vaginal tightening and vulval remodelling to make the vulva appear more childlike. In the words of one of the many clinics offering these services on the internet: “Many people have asked us for an example of the aesthetically pleasing vulva. We went to our patients for the answer and they said the playmates of Playboy.” In other words, women are being mutilated to fit male masturbation fantasies, in what Faith Wilding calls “the full-scale consumer spectacle of the cyborg porn babe.” This burgeoning industry is able to operate without the slightest attention being paid to it by medical researchers. There is not a single reference to laser vaginoplasty on PubMed."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1502236/

As I stated before, hyper-femininity and FTM "transitioning" are just the flip side of the same coin in that they are both largely fueled by internalized misogyny. Lesbian phobia might also play a role in FTM "transitioning". We saw an increase in both hyper-femininity and FTM "transitioning" during the decline of second wave feminism.

Anonymous said...

THIS YOUNG WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL...THANK YOU FOR YOUR INSIGHT.

Anonymous said...

"Yes I know what they are. In some posts here, every second comment contains a graphic description of these procedures. Dirt is quite fond of posting images as well. However, I am calling out the constant coverage of transgenderism as a smokescreen for the real problem. What exactly is the difference in motivation between a person who injects hormones and one who injects Botox? Elective mastectomy and elective breast augmentation? Are you aware of the PIP scandal? That you could walk into a clinic tomorrow with no background psychological assessments or checks, and have breast augmentation carried out if you have the money? How about women who have "lower surgery" to "tidy up" their labia? Buttock implants? Reduced foot surgery? Do you know how brutal these surgeries are? That you can walk into a nail bar and have an untrained teenager inject you with Botulinum toxin? What about this woman?"


I would like to follow up on this issue because I believe it's important. Sheila Jeffreys wrote an excellent, well-researched book entitled, "Beauty And Misogyny" that discuses many of the same things this person brings up. The transgender community utterly despises Sheila Jeffreys. Indeed, her face is on a can of Rid Fem, Kills Rad Fems Instantly from Trans* Activists, a Family Compnay.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=3042989746089&set=a.1030604477715.2007291.1003456955&type=1&ref=notif&notif_t=like&theater

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your story and thank you for this blog. From another survivor of the FTM machine. Today I am healing and proud to reclaim my womanhood and lesbian status. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

"SOME "GENDER THERAPISTS" START DIAGNOSING THESE CHILDREN AT FIVE OR SIX YEARS OF AGE."

That's only the tip of the iceberg! Children get labeled as trans when they are only a FEW months old(!!) by their parents.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this account. My story is very similar except for one thing: I was just a bit too old to have been swept up in the trans trend. That is the only reason I didn't also wind up on testosterone with a hysterectomy and double mastectomy. By the time the trans trend hit, I'd thankfully had the same epiphany you relate in this piece.

I grew up in the seventies, and hated being forced to wear dresses and play quietly in the corner. I was a classic tomboy, and all my friends were boys. I wanted to be wild and athletic, like any healthy child.

Though it was still an unusual thing to do, I was exposed to the idea of transitioning when I was pre-teen but, thankfully, the idea of surgery and hormones scared me. Still, I considered it as a way of trying to opt out of the oppression I faced as a butch girl. I saw women being oppressed and I considered taking this individual solution, as it would have been easier than fighting for our rights as women.

Welcome to the world of proud women and dykes who know any way we want to live our lives, dress, or whom we love is just one of many ways to be a woman. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope it will be read by other young women who are searching for freedom from gender oppression. The problem isn't with our bodies, it's with an oppressive culture. But we have a vibrant subculture, and it is growing. <3