This piece was written a few years ago:
The Mama Bear on the Ceiling
I cant exactly say when I first noticed the mama bear on the ceiling of
my parents bedroom. Whether it was when I was really small and occupied
that bedroom with them or later when I was just plain small and my
mother was dying. Perhaps it was sometime in between. Whichever it was I
did notice her, the mama bear on the ceiling.
I think the first time I paid her (the mama bear on the ceiling) any
real mind was the first time my ma went into hospital. I didnt know why
she went, I was told nothing. I only knew she was gone and I wanted her
back. From the first night she was gone, my dad slept on the couch. He
couldn't sleep in their bed without her. From the first night she was
gone, I slept alone in their bed, because I couldn't sleep anywhere
else. Each morning I slept in that bed, I awoke to the mama bear on the
ceiling.
She of course wasn't a real bear, she was actually a water spot that my
dad had painted over several times, and each time, she bled through
refusing to leave. I remember staring and staring at her, wondering what
her life was like. I knew she was a mama bear because she looked like a
bear, kinda a teddy bear who was standing at a stove cooking, with a
small baby bear standing beside her. She also had on an apron, so I knew
she couldn't be a daddy bear. My dad always cooked on weekends, when he
didnt work, and I never once remember him wearing an apron. I used to
love when he made waffles. He made the best waffles ever! To be honest
I've never tasted a waffle since. He is dead now too and out of my
insane sense of morality I would never even try another waffle since it
would be a waffle he didnt make. So yeah, the apron, the baby, the
stove, the cooking, she was a mama bear. And because she was cooking for
her baby, I knew she was a loving mama bear.
Sometime after my ma got out of hospital and everything was okay again,
per usual we went "up north". We had a cabin a few hours north of where I
grew up. It was a small red cabin trimmed in white, planted on three
lots. My dad put in indoor plumbing so we would have a toilet and
running water. When we first got the cabin we had an out house behind
the cabin, painted red also and also trimmed in white. We had a water
pump in front of the cabin. I have vague memories of enjoying using that
old water pump, I thought it was right neato! Much more neat I thought
than just turning on the tap. The outhouse however I could have done
without! Spiders!!!!!
The cabin was located in this tiny tiny town called Dodge City, which
was replicated to look like Dodge City. The small main strip was old
western. Even had the places where you could tie your horse up, even
though you rarely saw a horse. Our cabin was nearly right across from
the main town strip. I loved running over to the local store there,
Kernes, and getting candy. They had different candy than the stores I
was used to. They also had, down the road from us a fancy gift shop
which seemed out of place there. Everything there was rustic, indian,
cowboy except this fancy gift shop with the lady owner. I never liked
her, could tell straight away she didnt like kids. I remember she wore
glasses, I think they made her seem even more brusque.
I went in there the friday we arrived and right off I saw this solid
rubber bear! It was her. The mama bear on the ceiling! I wanted to buy
it soooo bad! I had a whole dollar. I was quite spoiled then, I usually
was given a dollar every day we were at the cabin. A lot of money for a 5
y/o old at the time. The year before that my dad bought me a red mini
bike which he fashioned himself with training wheels! But I was five now
and could ride it without. My brother had a dirt bike and a BB gun. We
were both pretty spoiled. I checked the price of the mama bear, THREE
DOLLARS!!! I felt a punch in my stomach, then my mind raced forward to
comfort me with the idea that if I dont spend any money I would have
enough sunday to buy the bear before we left to go back home. I calmed
down. I had a plan.
Sunday came and I drove my little red mini bike down to the fancy gift
shop to buy the mama bear. I was so excited and so happy. I took the
bear back to our cabin and gave it to my ma. She seemed perplexed for a
brief second, then said that it was so nice she was going to put it on
the small shadow box that hung in the living room of the cabin along
with her antique knickknacks. I felt very proud. We went back to my home
town where my mother would die of cancer about six months later.
I dont know whatever became of the mama bear on the ceiling, nor the
rubber mama bear I bought my ma. Which btw was the ONLY thing I ever
bought my ma. They, like her exist now, only in my mind, except for
where they now exist here, on the page.
dirt
