Change Your World-NOT your Body

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Breast-The End of a Girls Boyhood

Not until about the age of 12 was I given much if any flack for going shirtless. Shirtless on hot summer days, shirtless when running through summer sprinklers and sometimes shirtless for its own sake. I remember the first sign of breast buds, I also remember lying in bed at night trying to smash those buds back to where ever they came, not understanding or believing that they actually came from me. I wasnt ashamed of those early buds, more annoyed and mad because I knew my shirtless life was over, my boy girlhood was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The shame didnt come till I was forced to wear a bra, bra's were something worn by girls and women, I never fancied myself as either.

What is your early experience with shirtlessness?

dirt
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17 comments:

  1. When I was 9 years old, I was laughed at by other kids for not wearing a shirt even though I had no breasts. I was shamed and told it was obscene. When I was 13 and developed breasts, they felt like weird alien things growing on me.

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  2. If you accept being a woman then you accept what women have naturally. If you reject what women have naturally then what would you rather have instead?

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  3. I remember feeling disappointed when my breasts started growing, and like a freedom had been taken away from me. Especially with the growing pains - It really bothered me that when i ran, crawled, climbed trees i was encumbered by chest pains/ globular forms on my chest.

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  4. i think it's being demanded to cover them up she had a problem with- along with being suddenly sexualized i suppose
    but neither boys nor girls enjoy their puberty- girls who wish they were boys seem to think that boys have/had it so easy

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  5. @Elana, It isnt a matter of accepting ones nature, it is a matter of not accepting the patriarchal roles and GSJ assigned to ones sex. I never accepted either, not then, not now, not ever.

    Question everything!

    dirt

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  6. Can I ask? Do you agree that if psychology was not a male dominated and male created pseudo-science (taken to the place it is now) that it might have done some good for us, e.g., we all, all of us have what I can only call Female Traumatic Stress Syndrome beginning at the earliest awareness of self, which males have not and will never ever admit because to do so means admitting what men do to all of us (also, all girls feel this insane level of female specific dysphoria and terror, pain, it's all we talk about some times, yet they wont agree with me [yes I know why they wont]...). Freud and the rest never discussed the psych implications of rape for example. Never. Now we observe past trends being repeated and progress is being erased. Rapidly. I mean, they are 'still' trying to connect our female estrogen levels with 'all' mental illness. The other thing is the DSM 5. When they announce it, if it goes badly for the lesbian, you know what I mean... how can we respond; are all of our voices ready for this response; what can we do. Like typical males, the open market mass fetishizing of the lesbian is over. The L word is replaced with the T word. Lesbiphobia has always been acceptable and encouraged (the farce of female sports, used as a common threat to silence raped girls in the military, our fates in male courts of law, etc) but it seems like it hasn't been as openly powerful as it is now for a long time. Were becoming demonized again. Like in the old times. What do you think. Without the optimism bias. All that optimism and positive mind-fuck has done nothing but help females reinforce horrible male serving illusions that we have nothing to fear from the wonderful, peaceful, loving males who just want to 'help' us.

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  7. Anon, it is impossible for females not to suffer from some level of shell shock. And I say shell shock, rather the male medical machines prettied up PTSD, just as I say rape, rather than sexual assault.

    In this post modern era, the very thing we're taught from birth, for the sake of mutual communication and understanding is being drained of all meaning. When words have no meaning all things become possible. This can sound like a good thing, but we only have to travel back some decades where this happened before. I remind you of some words once upon a time drained of their meaning: liquidation, resettlement, the east, the final solution. (I am working on a full post on this subject)

    Post modernism birthed queer theory which was the beginning of the end of all feminist progress up to that point. Since then we have seen the extinction of Lesbian Studies and are seeing now Women's Studies on that same academic extinction list with its replacement by Queer or Gender Studies. None of which teach feminism (dismantling the patriarchal structures that create the steep inequality between the sexes as well as mass misogyny) and instead push a misogynistic notion of feminism heavily filtered through the male gaze and homophobia in the disguise of "progress".

    But ultimately it is up to us, those who see what is truly going on, in the world around us, in our politics and even in the very nature of our identities to call attention to the harm being done, especially the harm being done to women, and more so lesbian women. What is the saying " if not now then when, an if not me, then who"?

    I'm not sure if I answered your question?

    dirt

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  8. Yes. I don't know what else to call it as I said. I do say "sexual torture" these days because even sexual abuse is the same renaming that's been so dangerous. In medical I remember when they started saying "the client has expired" when a patient died...

    Whatever is unnamed, undepicted in images, whatever is omitted from biography, censored in collections of letters, whatever is misnamed as something else, made difficult-to-come-by, whatever is buried in the memory by the collapse of meaning under an inadequate or lying language -- this will become, not merely unspoken, but unspeakable.
    — Adrienne Rich. Not everything, but it's still what we are talking about I think.

    Pomo narcissism and it's accompanying nihilism has I say an expected result. Annihilation. Of course as females we will be first (well lesbians first really, we are the eternal 'threat' to all males after all). And, more than ever, trying to find new ways to enjoy (sexually) our total destruction at the hands of men (or lost women).

    Yes, modern feminism has become a male centric, multi(male)cultural, egalitarianism moving towards a pure masculinism with all sympathy geared towards males faster than I ever thought possible. To say it's Orwellian is an understatement. When I add everything up (and I mean everything concerning females globally, where they connect and what's coming in the next decades) the only place western women would have had left to go was a strong lesbian community. Thanks to the trans phenomena now led solidly by men that 'exit' for girls and women has been destroyed.

    I guess at this point I'm struggling to have any hope at all for lesbians and females period. Peoples outlook is soooo fucking limited it scares me. I understand why, but, things connect. For female humans it all comes together. Yes the completed puzzle is terrifying and horrifying but increasing 'denial' as our pain and terror increases wont save any of us.

    What about separation? Trusting gay men and eunuchs? Lesbians and protection of ourselves and separate communities under law? I think I'll stop. Sorry Dirt.

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  9. Anon, If you're asking me about Separatism, then I so no. It didnt work in the late 70's and it wouldnt work now. It doesnt work because burying our heads in the sand changes nothing. When we come up for air, the world is the same place when we left it or perhaps worse.

    Fear has become our greatest enemy, the fear of being called names for voicing our concerns and the fear of greater reprisals for doing so

    Nothing will change until we get past the fear. Then is our first goal, BEFORE fighting for change.

    dirt

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  10. I felt the same way... Riding my skateboard - No shirt. It felt natural and liberating up until about 11 years old. When I started developing I knew that certain freedom I felt would never happen again. And for this reason I wanted to be a boy, but knew I wasn't. I was very much a tomboy and I just wanted to feel free and growing breasts, I felt took something away from me. I didn't feel like I was gaining anything form it like most girls did. In my eyes I was no longer an equal with my peers, Mostly guys.. I was suddenly subpar. I did grow out of this self rejection and I am very comfortable with my body now. It did take a good couple of decades. I am still very athletic and while I can't go shirtless, I can sport a Tank Top very well, And I do feel comfortable amd accepting of my body!

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  11. Congratulations Dirt, you've taken the first steps in coming out as a transman!!

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  12. admiting feelings of being treated unfairly as a girl entering puberty means one is actually male? this is what kids are taught these days- THIS is the problem

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  13. Question-- if you never "fancied yourself as a girl or woman" then why do you so heavily idenify as female and reject male-identified females?

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  14. "If you're asking me about Separatism, then I so no. It didnt work in the late 70's and it wouldnt work now. It doesnt work because burying our heads in the sand changes nothing. When we come up for air, the world is the same place when we left it or perhaps worse."

    you are a seperartist because you publish hate speech about transpeople. disagree? let me define hate speech for you: speech that attacks a person or group on the basis of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.

    also interesting what you said about fear... you serve as a classic example of someone who expresses a gargantuan amount of fear toward a group of people because they, themselves, have something to hide... I think we have a transman in the closet here. Based on the content of your messages, it surrrrrrrrre looks like it. ;)

    let go of the hate! life is so much more pleasant and purposeful if you stop judging and classifying others and start to focus on loving yourself. you have to help yourself before you can help others, my friend.

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  15. 3:41 amd 3:52
    most people don't believe in 'identifying' as a 'gender,' just 'being' a biological sex.

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  16. I used to run about shirtless on hot days as a child and enjoyed the freedom to do so. I remember when breast buds started appearing trying to continue being shirtless and being told by my mum in a shocked voice to cover up.

    I did so, but hated in hot weather having to cover up. I was happy with getting breasts, but hated the restrictions about covering up that it brought with it.

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  17. My grandfather assured my tomboy self that when I reached age 12, I'd turn into a boy.

    Instead, I grew breasts and started my period.

    It took me 40 years to forgive him and to accept and love my femaleness.

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