Readers of Dirt’s Blog,
I want to write to you all as someone who understands what is going on inside the transgender community (or at least, the majority). Too bad there are not many resources on what I am about to share with you all, but before I do, I want to say that this IS a real message. I am considering going through de-transition from FtM to my biological female-self. This has been difficult to bring up this subject, so please bear with me. I won’t release too much of my story in fear of being found out.
I was raised single-handedly by a strong woman. I never knew my father, and it took a toll on me. We weren’t rich either, so my mother and I had to live under my grandparents’ roof. I would roughhouse and watch WCW—The Undertaker was my favorite wrestler. The fighters were large and powerful; many were feared. My mother allowed me to wear boys’ clothing and the public thought I was a little boy. It made me feel good. After the first four years residing there, I attended school for the first time. I was mesmerized by the toys the teachers laid out for the children to play. Girls were playing dress-up, dolls, and other things little girls would use their imaginations. I had my eye on one of the girls. She had light brown skin and dark, almond shaped eyes. I thought she was very pretty, so I would do whatever it took to be around her. One of my cousins would tease me for liking her—it was so obvious. I felt ashamed because fairy tale princesses ended up with a prince, not another girl. So, knowing that I liked doing “guy things” and had crushes on girls, I automatically thought it meant I was really a dude. The boys on the other hand, were rough and tumble. G.I. Joes, walkie-talkies, and Superman action figures were what they enjoyed. I decided to do what they were doing; I faced rejection due to that decision.
It continued this way all the way into my teen years. Short haircuts, baggy jeans, and anything else I could do to appear masculine. Around this time, I started hormones and other procedures to “match”. I was bullied constantly because of it. I knew it would happen, so why should I bitch about it. I sunk into a lower depression, especially because I still couldn’t have someone love me and had to lie in fear of not passing (and I didn’t despite all of what I went through). Surprisingly, I had one partner, but that didn’t work out (one of the reasons was because of who I was). The only friends I really hung out with did not know about my past (unless someone told them, which I would lie to tell them otherwise).
I experienced problems during the “transition” as well. I knew there were side effects, but what kid thinks about the consequences? My skin was so dry, flakes would peel off despite the fact I was using lotion. Cramps worse than the ones you have during your cycle felt like someone was jabbing me with a knife. Pain relievers didn’t do squat. I was losing my hair in my early 20s already. Yes, I know there are males who lose hair around that age, but damn…Now? I was so dry “down south” that even masturbation sucked…That is if I did masturbate. My child-bearing hips did not alter from the HRT and when I would check my blood pressure, it was higher than what it was before. I had the picture perfect image of being good looking and buff like those wrestlers, but my crazy fantasy was slowly deteriorating my health.
The FtMs I talked to were kinda annoying. All they talked about was transition and such. A couple of them were assholes—needlessly dissing lesbians. I’m not talking about lesbians that started shit; I’m talking about FtMs actually provoking the attack by using homophobia as a sword. You know what I noticed as well? A lot of the partners that were with them pre-hormones were not with them on the other side, if you get what I mean. A lot of them were single and had a hard time getting partners. I saw one guy say that “he” actually regretted transitioning and how “his” ex was hurting his feelings. He also had a hard time finding someone to be with or actually keep.
Right now, I am trying to figure out what to do. I want to de-transition and already I am off hormones, but that demon is trying to keep me from doing that. I’ve done so much, but how can I go back? I am stuck between lesbians who don’t agree with transgender folk and vice versa. I am trying to find that woman in here somewhere, but it’s a struggle. I want to be with a woman, but are there women who are attracted to women without breasts? Would they want to make love to me and treat me as a human being instead of a confused freak? I don’t know. What I do know is that ever since I’ve gotten off hormones, I have felt less depressed. I am trying to find myself and trying so hard to tell myself, “It’s okay.” Is it really worth losing what you have health-wise, psychologically, and socially? To the teens that want to transition, think about what you are sacrificing. No matter what you do to your body, you will always be a woman, and that is not a bad thing at all.
PS Do NOT underestimate the sheer bravery taken by this trans