Change Your World-NOT your Body

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Childhood Humility of Feeling "Other"

Having been a horrifically shy kid, the social aspects of school were difficult in and of themselves. But not seeing myself in the girls I knew, the girls I saw or the idea of girl that was presented by hetero-patriarchal norms, boys were the only place I did see myself, only I knew I wasnt a boy.

So much of school groups and competitions were a constant dividing up or boys and girls or boys vs girls. Even going to the bathroom in grade school was a division of the sexes. I HATED bathroom time. Because it meant having to stand in the girls line where upon I felt nothing but pure and utter shame. In that line it was obvious what I was, unlike in the "rough area" where I was just another boy or on the football team or dodgeball team etc. Even in gym class when for three years in a row for 6 weeks we had to square dance, because there were a shortage of boys, I was the substitute boy.

But in class, I rarely escaped the division of boys/girls by teachers and I always felt ashamed in not doing so.  What were some of your experiences where you felt ashamed simply for being female??

dirt

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TRANS PEOPLE OR THEIR EXPERIENCES-KEEP COMMENTS ON TOPIC OR THEY WILL BE REMOVED.
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48 comments:

  1. I have never once been ashamed of being female. The fact that you had to feel that way is a shame in and of itself.

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  2. this is probably the most honest and vulnerable post I have seen you write. I am glad to see it.. I sure don't know what the answers are Dirt, but I do know feeling out of place leaves long lasting scars. Wishing you the best in your personal journeys.

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  3. "Long lasting scars" are only cared about when they aren't suffered by trans people. Put pictures of children up against their will on a blog which Baddyke, Dirt, and all the others rail on against and attack. That causes scars. Bullying in epic proportions. No one cares about those scars, right?

    Privilege is a privilege does. Once privileged always privileged. And yes, I am attacking the fact that you are a minority (a fortunate one at that) attacking a smaller one. That is the only thing that goes on here. I have no pity for you because of the damage that you cause. I will never forgive you or this blog. You are an oppressor, Dirt. I don't care how you see it or how your fawning supporters see it. You are an oppressor who causes pain and a counterproductive tumor in the heart of 'feminism' which is a broken privileged movement as it is (coming from a person of color. a WOMANIST). Your intentions are broken and so is this entire post.

    This is nothing more than karma. What goes around comes around. And yes, I do feel that you, personally, deserve this.

    You all make me sick. Literally sick.

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  4. Anon 3:05 PM

    I got a right talking to by a trans-sceptic when I was 15. It was more than a screenshot on a website that'd be quickly forgotten, or a few comments viewed from behind a screen. Yup, I wandered around butthurt for a while. But I gained a little maturity and realised that nobody's ideas are immune to critique and that critique is not hatred or bullying. Thank god I got the wake up call sooner rather than later.

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  5. "Put pictures of children up against their will on a blog which Baddyke, Dirt, and all the others rail on against and attack." Disagreement is not an ATTACK, saying someone is sadly deluded/mistaken/being conned isn't an attack.

    What anyone on here RAILS AGAINST isn't the individuals concerned but the warped belief system that is the reason they are doing what they are doing.

    "I have no pity for you because of the damage that you cause." As opposed to the lifelong mutilation and lies that the trans cant advocates for these women. Who is doing the REAL, LASTING damage here? It's the beliefs and out-right LIES from the trans cultists...............

    Let's face it, THEY say wanting to have yer tits sliced off is NORMAL and BRAVE, we say it isn't. Simple as that.

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  6. I failed gym in high school because I was too shy to undress in front of girls who were starting to be the objects of my junior desire

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  7. "Put pictures of children up against their will on a blog"

    These children show themselves in countless youtube videos and countless people can see them. But of course a few pictures on a blog are evil.


    " That causes scars. Bullying in epic proportions."

    Ok let me get this straight:
    They make videos because they want people to see them but a few screencaps on a blog is bullying?? What the hell? What kind of bizarre logic is that??
    They aren't even free from critique on youtube!


    "I have no pity for you because of the damage that you cause"

    So what kind of damage?? It seems like you can't even get more specific. If Dirt would cause really worse damage it would be very important to point out it exactly. But let me guess it's just a plain old strawman argument with the intention of attacking her.


    "I will never forgive you or this blog."

    What?? You will never forgive a blog??? It would be reasonable to hate the person who posts pictures and opinions on a blog or even the commenters but hating the blog itself?? "Damn blog! I hate you for being opened! You hurt people!"... I bet the people from blogger.com would be very sad about this fact. ;-(


    "You are an oppressor who causes pain and a counterproductive tumor in the heart of 'feminism'"

    Shame on you Dirt the whole feminism is going to fail because of you!!... Seriously how emotional unstable is this person if she(?) is cursing a single woman?

    And in which way is Dirt oppressing people?? The official definition for oppressing is:

    "Oppression is the exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner"

    So is Dirt some kind of authority? Or does she have so much power? Do you think of her like an evil dictator or something?? Or is critique the new definition of oppression? And who are the people who are letting oppress themselves by a blogger on the internet?? What the hell?? What kind of insanity is this?


    "This is nothing more than karma. What goes around comes around"

    This doesn't make any sense. the definition of karma is:

    "action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation."

    If we follow your absurd logic it would mean that Dirt's action in the present 'caused her suffering in the past. But Karma works in exact the opposite way. You don't even know the definition of the words you use!!


    "I do feel that you, personally, deserve this."

    What?? A child (which Dirt was at this time) deserves to feel ashamed for being female?? So what would have been her options? Let me guess - transition?? Dirt can be glad that she escaped this.


    "You all make me sick. Literally sick."

    And your insanity of a post made clear - once again that some trans allies are:
    1. incapable of logic
    2. have no idea about the words they use

    Your whole post was just a giant fail and your ranting made it even more pathetic.

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  8. Please Dirt, don't delete that comment from 3:05 because it shows how stupid some trans allies are (and it taked me amount of time to pick it to pieces). To don't even know the words they use is just plain dumb. I'm glad that you have overcome the shame of being female. I was only ashamed of being a girl the first time I got my period. It wasn't a nice experience. I was shocked to see the bloodstaines on my pants and of course the pain scared me too. But some of the bad experiences make us stronger.

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  9. And last but not least I'm sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes. English isn't my first language.

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  10. I think ya'all need to cut Dirt some slack here. And believe me when I tell you I get annoyed as hell with her. But this was the most feeling post I have seen her post.

    IF it is transguys posting the hatefulness on this post, please stop it. You are proving the point of Transmen being angry and hateful.

    Get outside yourself for five minutes and show some kindness.

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  11. Oh yes, I felt it as a child..Did not fit in with the girls and really had no desire to. The shame I felt was the internalized notion that there was something wrong with me. I did not know then, why I felt so different.. All I knew was the female role to me felt oppressive. And speaking of oppression, Dirt is not oppressing anyone. Quite the opposite, she is providing a forum for females to voice their opinions, mostly against the oppression we feel as females in this society. I think she is doing good work.
    "The ultimate measure of person is not where she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where she stands at times of challenge and controversy"

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  12. I remember as a child I was some kind of a rebel against girls. Sad but true. I didn't wanted to be around them because it was impossible for me to relate to them. I was spending the most time with boys because they liked everything I liked too. But some of the boys didn't want it and I was ashamed. This changed a few years ago. (I'm 19 now)

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  13. i posted yesterday about being shy in the gym locker room and failing because of not changing- i ended up having to take gym in summer school and enjoyed it, lifting weights with only boys, and i got physically strong for the first time!
    (i'm a lesbian by the way, closer to androgyne than butch)

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  14. "Put pictures of children up against their will on a blog"

    These children show themselves in countless youtube videos and countless people can see them. But of course a few pictures on a blog are evil.


    " That causes scars. Bullying in epic proportions."

    Ok let me get this straight:
    They make videos because they want people to see them but a few screencaps on a blog is bullying?? What the hell? What kind of bizarre logic is that??
    They aren't even free from critique on youtube!


    They make videos to help other trans guys out. Normal people just don't go out of the way to search FTM videos to critique them, put them down, harass, insult, or stalk them.

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  15. Clearly this post has NOTHING to do with trans trenders, youtube or trans anything period! If you havent a similar experience to share/discuss, then your comments arent welcome and will be removed.

    dirt

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  16. I really wish you people who come here and spew hate at individuals, instead of ideas could take a look at yourselves. I mean it's really laughable. Yall are obsessed with coming here again and again and calling Dirt and badDyke names, specifically them- saying very hatred things. The proposed same things you've gotten your panties in wads over in the first place.
    Please go back and read thru the comments objectfully and you will find that 'we' those who are against transition, are not against specific people. We are against the ideas. Yet you- keep coming back again and again, seemingly totally obsessed with trying to force us to your side. (talk about privledge!) This is woman space, it has been said over and over again that this blog is for women. Realize that you are invading this woman space if you really consider yourselves men- every time you come here and try to force your opinions.
    Understand that having a opinion that is different than yours is not the end of the world and is not considered hatred. It's really telling how delicate yalls little egos are!

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  17. I've been shy and introverted, I've felt weak at some points and strong at others, I've railed both against chauvinism and against feminist movements that always make the fight too big and angry and the framework too vague to touch anybody, but I don't recall ever being ashamed of being a girl and later a woman. I can't even begin to comprehend what that feels like.

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  18. Anon@10:23am, Unfortunately among Butches, its quite common, hence the "stonebutch" condition.

    dirt

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  19. I never felt shame, or at least not usually. I felt anger and disgust. I knew even then it wasn't my problem, that it was their fucked up world view which required everyone to squish themselves into little tiny stereotypes or die trying. It takes an awful lot of soul-crushing to fit oneself into boxes other people have designed.

    It wasn't your fault then Dirt, and it's not your fault now. It's their problem, not yours. So no shame required. Not now, not then, not ever. I wish you could believe me.

    ❤❤❤

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  20. Where I was in elementary school girls dominated, so what was there to be ashamed of? Even though we had to wear dresses to school in those days, which I didn't like. We were smarter and dominated the social scene too.

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  21. When I was a child, I was ashamed of not being able to be like the other girls, expecially because I liked girls a lot. I was quite well accepted by boys because I was good in playing soccer and such. I didn't feel the need to be a boy though. But since I was romantically (and when I came into puberty, also sexually) interested in girls, I thought I have to be a boy, because otherwise I couldn't have a girlfriend. So I identified with the boys. It ended when my friends came into puberty because then they suddenly realized that I am a girl and began treating me how they thought one should treat girls, meaning either flirting with them or harassing them. So I tried to be a girl again so the girls would accept me, but I still didn't know how. It was all so embarassing. Actually, when I think back I see that my whole childhood and youth was full of feelings of shame because of being female. Because I thought I was very bad at being one, though I wanted to belong desperately.

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  22. Doll, I too could only thinking about "liking" a girl by thinking if I were a boy, this is the kinda of girl I would like.

    dirt

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  23. The only time I have felt ashamed of being female, is when talking to other women after I had my first (and only child). Their whole lives seemed to be wrapped around producing more babies, complaining about husbands, etc.

    I asked quite simply what these people planned on doing when their children got to be 15 and didn't "need" them any more.

    Dead silence, and a little bit of waffling around.

    I was enraged and ashamed that these breeder cows made reproducing and being "housewives" something that was MORE important than ensuring they had good jobs and careers, and... LIVES. Instead they were insipid, boring creatures, totally under the power of their husbands who were their ONLY financial support.

    I never felt at one with women, and always more masculine and feminine, and never once felt shame for this. I felt an odd detachment. I knew I was different, but never in my life let that change what I want and what I feel about myself.

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  24. Dirt, I think in one of your former posts you have mentioned that the reason why one thinks like that (if I would be a boy, this is the kind of girl I would like, or: I have to be a boy to be allowed to like this girl etc.) is the lack of role models for young females other than the typical patriarchy produced hetero-normative one. I think this really is a big problem for girls growing up.

    Anon at 11:31, are you actually aware of the mysogynistic imagery evoked by your post? You want to say that a "career" or "job" (something that most men try to achieve and are proud of) is more worthy and valuable than "reproducing" and "housework" (something that, sadly, women are usually forced to do)? Are you aware you are saying that this horrible work that a "housewife" has to do is nothing, compared to a career? This is a very male-centric view on life. Being a housewife and reproducing is indeed not rewarding; it is slavery, to be exact. It is not paid, it is hard work, and one ends up "useless" in the eyes of te society after one's whole life, youth and energy is spent on someone else's happiness (man and kids). Through my job, I have talked to many a woman after their kids grew up, and they realized that they have been working for nothing, without earning any retirement pension, and not even valued for that by the ones who they cared for. And after all that time in slavery, there is not even a boss that would hire them, because, you know, they have "no real curriculum vitae". So if you want to teach these women to stand up for their rights, it is no use calling them names, instead maybe one could tell them that they are valuable, that they are worth having a LIFE. Because if you call them names, you only destroy their self-confidence further, and it is already trampled on by patriarchy every day.

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  25. "But not seeing myself in the girls I knew, the girls I saw or the idea of girl that was presented by hetero-patriarchal norms, boys were the only place I did see myself, only I knew I wasnt a boy."

    When you are a child there are only 3 allowable slots Boy,Girl and Tomboy....I remember distinctly having to make this choice because I could not see myself in the girls or women around me..

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  26. i am so anguished that you get attacked for speaking your truth. try not to let it hurt you; easier said than done, i know. know that i admire your bravery.

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  27. I know this post isn't for Trans people and if this is off topic delete it.

    When I was young there was a rugby team in my school, it was mixed and I loved it. If you didn't wanna play then you didn't have to. It was rough and occasionally vicious which is what rugby is like.

    Then the school decided to split the teams, girls had to play tag rugby and the boys played proper rugby. This upset me to no end at the time, both because I was denied to play with the boys but also because girls were seen as "weak" and "unable" to play a rough sport.

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  28. Its straight Time Square and NO word is beyond my ears/eyes/mind/mouth. "The limits of my language mean the limits of my world". (Wittgenstein)

    Oh and way to stop reading/commenting here Tgirls...lol

    dirt

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  29. I have no idea what you just said.

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  30. I distinctly remember having crushes on girls in 1st & 2nd grade, but then sometime a little later, becoming aware that since I was female, my feelings were seen by society as weird, and "perverted" (and my family was super religious). I had a scrapbook where I kept pictures of female moviestars that I liked or thought were cool & inspiring, but when I found out that it was "wrong" to be a girl who liked other girls, I destroyed it, rather than have someone find it and think I was a lesbian.

    I was a tomboy & developed much later than other girls, and I would often run around the neighborhood without my shirt on, in the hot summer months. I remember when I began to realize that this was also "wrong" for girls, and I had to start wearing a shirt, even in the sweltering heat. I was angry that I had to be uncomfortable only because I was a girl, it seemed so unfair.

    I also never wanted to play with Barbies like other friends did, and I had superhero dolls like Batman & Spiderman. I think it was because I couldn't "play" at imagining myself as Barbie, with big boobs, makeup, skinny waist and all the other things that society said was "feminine".

    There were many times when I remember thinking (about some of the girls I had crushes on), "if only I were a guy, she would totally love me and I would be so much better to her than her shitty boyfriend who makes her cry all the time". I still think that many het women are actually bisexual and would even prefer to be with women, if it were more accepted.

    The more time passed, the more I realized that females got the short end of the stick EVERY TIME.

    That wasn't me at all & I hated that box.

    I rebelled at every turn, wore pants under my uniform skirt, played basketball at recess with the boys, excelled at math. Eventually came out as a dyke.

    I'm happier now, years later, but it's been a huge struggle too, filled with a lot of really difficult moments. Loss of family & friends, getting harassed, beat up, in addition to all the subtle things that chip away at you daily.

    I do think that if I'd been born 10 years later, I'd have felt the pressure to transition. I would never transition now though, because I don't believe you can really change your sex. Plus, I think it is WAY more transgressive to live my life the way I do, with no compromises, in a female body. That is something I can feel proud of.

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  31. I thought the comment about "breeder cows" was spot on. All criticism of women is not automagically reproducing patriarchal assumptions.

    It looked to me as if that comment was criticizing the male supremacy of some "breeders". It used to drive me INSANE the way they would go on and on about their stupid Nigel, as if he actually cared about them -- when it was perfectly obvious that he thought of them only as an object there to prop up his masculinity.

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  32. Their whole identity is tied up in "motherhood" and the path they're on is pathetically predictable, so it's actually a kindness to ask them what do they intend to replace their current identity with, when the kid gets older. Most of the women that I knew, who fell into that "extreme motherhood" category, ended up being totally insecure about their ability to barter room and board with their fading beauty. They were complete basketcases, under the plastic smiles. Right out of the 1950's.

    Always falling for whatever 'youth-defying' gimmick which came their way. And yes, NO JOB SKILLS and totally dependent upon staying married to the creep they married.

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  33. i mean i know that the 'intersex' are worshipped by transsexuals, who all wish they were intersex so they'd have a valid reason for claiming they're defective
    (though i'd say nothing needs to be 'corrected' even in the truly in-betweens)

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  34. @ e : you're kidding, right? You actually need either female or male hormone levels to be dominant. You can't walk around with messed up hormone levels. You can develop diabetes and a whole slew of other medical ailments. Not to mention your day-to-day bodily functions.

    Now, I'm not actually claiming I'm 'intersex' as I've never done a karotype - but I'd have to chose between androgen blockers + birth control + other form of regulating female hormones or just testosterone ... What am I supposed to do according to you, take extra shit not to abandon my oh-so-sacred-"womanhood"?!

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  35. Anon 2:21 - I assumed e was talking about cosmetic genital 'corrections' for intersex, not neccesary medical treatment. e makes a fair point which you are trying to distract from no doubt; that trans theorists are hijacking intersex.

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  36. I guess some ppl are more in the middle. Like neither that gender is innate, nor that is 100% socially created. There's something to it. Even if it's entirely socially created, you do live in society and not a vacuum. Or you're not a hermit. Is it so terrible to have something entirely male appearing with a pussy? Or something entirely female appearing with a dick?

    Yes, because it fucks with ppl's sexual orientation... Either one or the other has to be more flexible. Gays and lesbians that identify as 100% homosexual aren't comfortable with this. Neither are people that think they're 100 % straight. But some people don't believe in 100%.

    At the risk of sounding stupid: common joke amongst straight guys. A picture of an ftm that is fully male appearing but still retains the vagina vs a picture of a bombshell hot mtf, that still retains a penis - and who would you more likely sleep with?

    It's kind of stupid, offensive, simplistic - but the idea is in sexual orientation, how much are you attached to genitals and how much you aren't. And what if the person has ambiguous genitals. Do you still think gender is entirely irelevant?

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  37. I guess what I'm trying to say (I beat around the bush a lot) is that even if M , F, and I , were recognized legally (which seems a good and fair idea) - I don't believe that "trans" would be eradicated entirely. People would still have the desire to belong to one or more of the three, whether it matched their "actual" or "born" state or not. ... Not sure if it makes sense

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  38. The same sort of crap femininity non-conforming women get, get the transmen not confirming to masculinity. They are often perceived as gay men in public. I know I am and I'm not even hormones - although I will have to chose soon as my hormones are naturally mixed up due to pcos. I will have to chose between t alone or androgen-blockers + female hormone supplements ... My endocrinologist appointment is in February.

    To think ftm is entirely about escaping pressure to perform femininity is incorrect. Or to escape homophobia, still incorrect. Not all ftms transition to straight men.

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  39. Ftm is in itself a complicated term. What kind of bloody female am I, if I have to take blockers and a whole bunch of supplements to remain "female" even regarding bodily functions?!

    If that isn't short end of the stick, I don't know what is.

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  40. Lastly, why is it ok of I chose the blockers and female hormone supplements but so terrible if I chose t?? Because I'll be an evil male? Because since I like girls I'll be an evil straight male?

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  41. "Is it so terrible to have something entirely male appearing with a pussy?

    Depends if he was born with it, or has had a fuck-hole surgically constructed (which ISN'T a pussy by any stretch of either the imagination, or whatever bits he has had inverted, or even by stretching a chunk of colon).

    "even if M , F, and I , were recognized legally (which seems a good and fair idea)" Why? Why should society care that much? Male and female in terms of SEX, I'll go with that, but in terms of gender? I'd rather keep the humans with dicks out of SEX-segregated bathrooms, even if they claim to have a female brain..........

    "People would still have the desire to belong to one or more of the three" Except you are ASSUMING it is possible to belong to something which is not actually possible! If we have categories based on SEX (fair enough in healthcare, the people having babies, as far as I know, are predominantly XX, and the people having prostate problems are predominantly XY. Doesn't matter if you IDENTIFY as male, you'll possibly still have XX chromosomes and possibly a uterus and/or ovaries, which is totally relevant when it comes to issues like cervical or ovarian cancer or cancer screening.

    You may have a DESIRE to belong to the XY club, but you can't, simple as that.

    Anyone out there care to elighten me on the seeming spat between transsexual and transgender? I came acros a blog somewhere, but I really can't get from that what the essential disagreements are.........

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  42. "Lastly, why is it ok of I chose the blockers and female hormone supplements but so terrible if I chose t?? Because I'll be an evil male?"

    "What kind of bloody female am I, if I have to take blockers and a whole bunch of supplements to remain "female" even regarding bodily functions?! "

    A female with a medical problem. You'd still BE female, essentially, whatever you took, or whatever surgery you had.

    The problem with females on T is that they mostly don't WANT to be female or admit they are. There is yer delusion right there. They CAN'T be male, but want to pretend they are, or pass as if they were.

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  43. BD, That fight has been going on for years, primarily among older male transitions against the queer trannys. The older ones claim they are legit "women", their very own special brand of "intersexed", while transgenders are "choosing" to be "women" for a variety of reasons.

    Its nothing more than fear from older male transitioners wanting to separate themselves from the transgender movement because it is so easy to dissect and see how misogyny and the gender straight jacket inform the trans disorder AND the how the male medical machine "treats" it.

    dirt

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  44. "The older ones claim they are legit "women", their very own special brand of "intersexed", while transgenders are "choosing" to be "women" for a variety of reasons."

    Thanks for that Dirt.

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  45. You're confusing things. The male appearing w/ a pussy would be an ftm that hasn't had bottom surgery and a female-appearing w/a penis, and mtf who hasn't had bottom surgery. Again, what's so terrible about it. Since you are speaking in theory. Don't pretend you care about random ppl's health.

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  46. "The male appearing w/ a pussy would be an ftm that hasn't had bottom surgery..."

    Uh, who is actually FEMALE....

    "....and a female-appearing w/a penis, and mtf who hasn't had bottom surgery."
    and that would be a MALE you've got there, pre or post surgery.

    Really is la-la land out there, where male isn't a simple biological category (as it is for the rest of us, and most biologists), but some weird internal state (that most of the rest of us don't seem to be aware of BTW), that says you are MALE, whatever your sex chromosomes or bodily organs have to say about the matter.

    So, relatively simple facts of biology are replaced by some fuzzy and totally unquestioned internal state (you're male if you say you are), relatively straightforward bodily organs are replaced by some la-la land where a chunk out of your thigh or arm rolled-up and grafted on is a 'penis' despite not actually functioning as such in any meaningful way. And a surgically-constructed and artificially maintained fuck-hole is supposedly a vagina...........

    None of which makes you male or female, none of which makes you into a man or a woman...............

    I guess I wouldn't have such a problem if trans folk DIDN'T try to co-opt or STEAL the space of women. So, whatever surgery you have, you can't lose the fact that you are female, amd however much surgery you have, it won't make a male into a WOMAN.

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  47. i find trans intrusion into the gay arena more troubling- nobody can say gay lesbian or homosexual anymore- it has to be 'LGBT'

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  48. "nobody can say gay lesbian or homosexual anymore- it has to be 'LGBT"

    Yeah and since when is transsexuality a sexual orientation like gay or lesbian? Isn't it a "body disorder"??

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