Change Your World-NOT your Body

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Gradual Dysphoria or Overnight Dysphoria?

Since many readers have or are still suffering from some degree of body dysphoria, I thought we could discuss the timing your dysphoria occurred. Given the phallocentric world girls grow up in, it isnt at all surprising many of us from our earliest memories hoped and dreamed we would awake with a penis. Even in our early years, we recognize the world is fully available to those with penis's that it isnt to those without. Even the "without" seems an accusation of less than or missing something important. But penis privileges aside, not having one doesnt really signify dysphoria. Similarly to wanting something the wealthy posses that you dont and never will, it doesnt create a pathological uncomfortableness (sometime suicidalness) that dysphoria does.

So describe when and how dysphoria came into your life. Was it slowly or swiftly? Did something trigger it or was it accumulative?

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35 comments:

  1. Slowly overtime, it got worse when I went through my teenage years. Was more confusion than dysphoria previous to that.

    Feeling better than before now. I can actually picture a future instead of presuming that ill be dead.

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  2. At 4 years old I had no clue what a penis was but knew I wasn't a girl. I was raised by my grandparents from 4 until I was 11. I at 6 years old actually ended up seeing my brother naked when I walked in the bathroom on him and knew I was supposed to have what he had down there.

    Since living full-time as a man since Sept. 30, 2007 and being able to start HRT in July 2009 I have never felt better in my entire life. I don't suffer from depression anymore like I did pre-transition or even living full time as a man.

    My teenage years were a living hell. I told everyone I was a boy but yet my guidance counselor insisted that I wasn't and had a parent/counselor meeting with my mom. What she told my mom didn't shock her because she already knew but didn't know how to help me. Back then there wasn't resources like we have now. My parent have always wanted to help me but again there were no resources for us at the time.

    My parent are both happy for me now and are so glad that I have been able to take the steps that I need to to make me feel comfortable in my own body. My dad calls me his first born son as does my mom. My grandparent have long passed away but they too would be happy for me.

    Dysphoria still gets to me because I have not yet had my top surgery. I was gonna have it done in Jan. but due to unexpected bills and having to pay for our car to be fixed it is being being pushed to late April or early May of next year.

    I will always have bottom dysphoria but well technology isn't all that great when having bottom surgery. I have looked into getting other bottom surgeries like meta but only having the clitoral release done. Well, until I look more into other options.

    All I can say is that I have never ever felt better in my entire life and couldn't be happier. I have had no adverse side effects from the T and don't expect to. I go to my doctor regularly and have all of my blood work done and what not. I am off of my antidepressant medication and have been for 3 years now. That's an awesome thing because I was on meds from the time I was 17 until I was 35 years years old, until I started living full time as a man.

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  3. lesbianplusfeministOctober 23, 2011 at 5:38 AM

    "At 4 years old I had no clue what a penis was but knew I wasn't a girl."

    I am so sick of this nonsense of trying to legitimate delusions by claiming to have suffered from them from a young age.

    No 4-year-old fully understands what "boy" or "girl" even means because they don't understand what biological sex is. You were no different from every other small child in that you were confused about how the world worked. The only difference is that you apparently didn't grow out of it.

    "I don't suffer from depression anymore like I did pre-transition or even living full time as a man."

    WTF. If you are a man, then you have to live as one full-time. A man can't stop being a man sometimes. You're just proving that you are playing a game of pretend, and don't understand what the word "man" means. It's not something you can take on and off.

    This nonsense is an insult to the intelligence.

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  4. @LF, anon is clearly your classic gender straight jacket conformist as are her parents. I cant imagine loved ones not loving and being proud of who you are period. One has to wonder kinds of meds she was on for 17 years and what kinds of ill effects that had on her brain, not she's on brain distorting cancer causing hormones, what a horrible sad life.

    And why? Mass internalized misogyny!

    dirt

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  5. @ anon 11:07 - I can run with the feeling of dissociation from a part of your body (it has been established that BIID exists, and in part, why.) What I don't get is why dissociation must lead to dislike of what is there in reality, the need to change what's there in reality, and the need to be treated 'as a man' in society because you think you should have a penis?

    For the record, I don't think people with BIID or any other mental illness should be stigmatised or ridiculed. This is just about having an honest discussion.

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  6. "I don't suffer from depression anymore like I did pre-transition or even living full time as a man."

    WTF. If you are a man, then you have to live as one full-time. A man can't stop being a man sometimes. You're just proving that you are playing a game of pretend, and don't understand what the word "man" means. It's not something you can take on and off.


    DUh! I have lived full-time as a man since Set.30, 2007. I haven't been depressed or on meds since then.

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  7. And yet Anon@11:28 here you are. Actions always speak louder than words.

    dirt

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  8. No, it's like a train wreck...you just have to look at it and see the disaster!!!!

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  9. My dysphoria didn't used to be that bad. It's still not that bad. Aside from when my body gets in the way of stuff I want to do, I don't really think about it. Your body is your body. Everyone's body has flaws. I think it's healthier not to obsess.

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  10. The trans label acts like a kind of exemption from normal critique of your thoughts and ideas. At least that's what it felt like when I adopted it. It was a relief, for a while, not to analyse. To tell the truth it feels good to unquestioningly accept the dislike of your body and not ask why. This blog comes under heavy fire from people who don't want to have to critique their feelings in the normal way. I understand the fear of having your safety net taken away like this, but you have to in order to maintain a grasp on reality. It does get better I promise you.

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  11. :::shaking head:::

    when are the transguys going to figure out they are being baited by answering any questions on Dirt's blog? If a person does not believe in something you are wasting your time trying to change their mind. Wipe your feet and move on. Each time you answer you are giving away your inner personal power.

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  12. It's true. This is so classic. Dirt posts a question NOT limiting the responders to women or butches. Then some transguy responds honestly and everyone jumps down his throat and explains why he's not what he says he is.

    Everytime you speak your truth to people who won't or can't hear it, you give away a piece of yourself. Pearls before swine.

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  13. @ anon 6:24pm
    You are 100% ON POINT!

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  14. It is nothing new that this blog is femalecentric. If you arent a female and/or do not consider yourself a female, then why comment on a femalecentric blog?

    dirt

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  15. If Dirt or any of her supporters actually cared enough about uplifting butches, they could have an incredibly strong movement here. I haven't seen much of that on this list. But I do know many who butches who could use support and affirmation for their identities. If butches felt affirmed and supported in their identities, the strife between these identities would be lessened greatly. There would be no reason to come after transguys or try to keep transguys out of queer spaces. But for many "butches" feeling strong in themselves is not enough. They wish that transguys would go away completely. Or die, I guess. So that they could be relieved of any temptation or competition for masculinity. Of course that would make things easier, in the same way that racist whites wish black people would just disappear or stop being so "black".

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  16. The pressure to be trans, when looked at critically, distills down to internal pressure mostly. There may be a few transguys out there who are immature and wish for more comrades and suggest transitioning to their friends. So it goes. I saw the very same thing in lesbian circles. Bisexual or undecided women who run in lesbian circles are certainly pressured to "come out" or "deal with themselves". The draw of community is strong-no matter what kind of human you are. If any person claiming to be pressured to be trans *actually* looks at where the pressure is coming from, you can bet it's their own stuff. 99% of the transguys I know wouldn't suggest transitioning to another person for a million dollars.

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  17. I care about eradicating the misogyny that affects ALL females of ALL ages. If you are looking for something "Butch" specific I suggest you seek out another blog or create your own.

    dirt

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  18. This blog is FTMcentric actually. Shes talking about me and all my brothers.

    I also know I'm being baited. I'm a strong enough person that this blog doesn't trigger me. It occasionally makes me angry and sometimes makes me laugh but I'm cool.

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  19. :::shaking head:::

    Once again when are we as transguys going to get that we owe her no explanation and we appear insecure each time we try and explain ourselves.

    People who are dead set in their mind are not going to change their minds.

    Take back your power.. Never Ever try and justify your actions.

    Just look at the history of this blog and how many have backed off over the last few months. The blog is losing momentum and interest by both sides of the issue. I believe the transgendered community not trying to justify themselves here is killing this blog.

    So lets polish it off. Don't explain yourselves to haters anywhere on the web.

    THAT, my transgendered family is taking back the Ultimate Control over your own lives and by this simple step your self esteem will increase.

    Button pushers stop pushing buttons when they get no response no matter how much they crank it up. As you can see, she has lost the bulk of her provable following. (not anonymous supporters you cannot verify)

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  20. "The trans label acts like a kind of exemption from normal critique of your thoughts and ideas." I agree with that.

    "If a person does not believe in something you are wasting your time trying to change their mind." BELIEVE is the key word here -- you either believe the trans cant fully, or you're transphobic, those seem to be the only options.

    "when are we as transguys going to get that we owe her no explanation and we appear insecure each time we try and explain ourselves." Again, just BELIEVE no explanation needed..........

    "Take back your power.. Never Ever try and justify your actions. " Which is rather a dangerous philosophy, to be totally frank. Is that really the best that the trans crowdn has to offer?

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  21. Critical thinking =\= hatred.

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  22. @baddyke

    You are twisting this and turning this. Dirt is entitled to her opinon as are you.. My point is the transgendered community owes Dirt, you, nor anyone else any explanation for what they do with their lives.

    As a transgendered person I am saying that this is indeed Dirt's blog. We need to quit obsessing over what one person has to say and move on.

    Dirt is but one person with one opinion and is indeed baiting us. It is time we as transgendered people discontinue giving "Dirt" this type of power over us.

    Once again Button Pushers will push the buttons and it is up to each of as transgendered people to choose either to take the bait or walk away from the bait. That, Bad Dyke, is called growth.

    Like Dirt, you are going to interpret your hatred and beliefs however you choose and we are not going to change you. It does not take a rocket scientist to know continuing to justify our actions to haters is not productive nor is it healthy for our self esteem to do so.

    still
    :::shaking head:::

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  23. @ lesbianfeminist @ Dirt


    You two are despicable. You make me sick to my stomach. How dare you judge someone's life with such ignorance and lies? You twist everything we say to fit your own stupid agenda. Children are much more intelligent and aware of their inner selves than you may think. I was 3- years-old when I realized my inner self did not fit my body, and it had nothing to do with stupid gender roles. That's how I felt, period. Furthermore, many people do the same things, but for different reasons. It does not mean that, because some lesbians were tomboys in their childhood that everyone who grew up one is. There are heterosexual women who were tomboys in their youth, and there are ftm's who were as well. Your experience is yours and yours alone. Stop trying to pin it down on us. The world DOES NOT revolve around you.

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  24. My dysphoria - and no! dysphoria is not limited to gender dysphoria! - has been growing slowly for a long time. I remember feeling awkward in my body, insecure and ugly, somehow wrong, because I wanted to be as beautiful as the girls that were considered pretty, and I was convinced I am not. I wanted to like the things the other girls liked, and I wanted to be liked by them; both seemed impossible, I was "wrong". Girls have to live up to unrealistic ideals, and I thought I failed. Later in life, I realized that girls had to live up to absolute, horrible, unrealistic LIES, all the while letting the male-dominated world trample them down, and that simply wasn't an option. And the dysphoria grew. But instead of wanting to chop off my breasts or take T, I starved to make myself disappear, took drugs to forget, lead a hurting, self-abusive life, tried to become someone else, for years. There were times when I thought that maybe I was trans, because the trans-advertizing tells everybody that if you feel "different" and are unhappy to be a girl, boy, whatever, you are trans. And because as I went to a doc because I wanted to have meds and some psychotherapy to keep me ALIVE, I was diagnosed with F64.0. I was a bit shocked by that, though I guess the doc wanted to be helpful and not stand in the way if I wanted to go the way of transition. But I was shocked! I didn't want to transition! I was simply unhappy in a world that is ruled by patriarchy. I don't want to get surgery, take T, or anything like this. I want to be appreciated and valued for what I am and not be a second-class citizen. I think that maybe the ones who consider themselves trans are just unhappy, too.

    Well, long story, simple ending - the dysphoria was built up over many, many years, and now I am working on making it go away again. No matter what the anons who say that Dirt's blog is a hater blog think, for me, reading it was the beginning to understand. Not what was wrong with me. What is wrong with the society that we live in. Thank you Dirt.

    And to the transguys who think that the sole purpose of this blog is to make you angry or something: you should finally understand that for females like me, it can be life-saving. Please transguys, stop assuming that she is writing for you, ok? You are being egocentric.

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  25. " It does not take a rocket scientist to know continuing to justify our actions to haters is not productive nor is it healthy for our self esteem to do so."

    I'm not a hater, why can't you see that? Why does this blog annoy/challenge you so much? Why does your self esteem depend so much on what Dirt and others think or say?

    Why do you think mere disagreement has such supposed power over you?

    Why do you BOTHER posting here, to be totally frank, unless its some sort of masochistic desire to keep looking at how much some people supposedly hate you?

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  26. " I was 3- years-old when I realized my inner self did not fit my body, and it had nothing to do with stupid gender roles."

    I think it had EVERYTHING to do with gender roles, because even at 2 or 3, children are aware of different gender roles, and understanding the world they see around them and their place in it on that basis.

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  27. "Please transguys, stop assuming that she is writing for you, ok? You are being egocentric."

    She's writing ABOUT US for you. Maybe she should try writing about you.

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  28. Ah yes - dirt *always* plays the "you keep coming here because you know I'm right and you want help" card. No, dirt, some of us continue to come here to speak for the other side for those who come here on the fence. To try and help even ONE person understand that just because you don't GET something, doesn't mean you have to ridicule it and treat people poorly. And you know what - it works - I've had two people now, FROM THIS BLOG, contact me and say to me that I made them think of it differently and that they were sorry they listened to you. Amazing especially, because when I log in and comment on this blog, I'm lucky if my comments stay up for 5 seconds before they get deleted. Maybe some transguys come here to let you piss them off - but rest assured - most of us come here and comment so that you don't get to spout off whatever you want to about the trans community completely uncontested. For those people who are confused and don't know how they feel about it - so maybe they can make a decision with both sides of the story.

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  29. "I've had two people now, FROM THIS BLOG, contact me and say to me that I made them think of it differently and that they were sorry they listened to you." What's this now, some pissing contest about how many 'converts' each side has managed to gain?

    "most of us come here and comment so that you don't get to spout off whatever you want to about the trans community completely uncontested."

    Sorry, but this is utter BOLLOCKS! Givne the amount of stuff on the net by trans people that IS uncontested, and given the negative posts on these boards, trying to claim it is some sort of 'equal time' issue is just crap.

    I'm sure many of us here WOULD welcome an actual debate, or present both sides kind of thing -- except that ISN'T what is happening. What is happening is anyone who posts anything critical of the trans cant gets labelled transphobic, then we have the usual 'let's get Dirts blog, Dirts videos taken off the net'.

    "so maybe they can make a decision with both sides of the story." Yeah, if you're SO concerned, WHY does the question about social conditioning and gender roles get hardly a mention on trans sites? Because it is heresy according to the usual trans cant about 'innate gender'. Why do alternative treatments such as the ones that were to be discussed at the Royal College of Psychiatrists instead find their conferences labelled as transphobic and cancelled?

    http://natachakennedy.tumblr.com/post/3789349361/alert-transphobic-conference-trans-people-please

    "doesn't mean you have to ridicule it and treat people poorly."

    Ridiculing the trans ideology is NOT the same as ridiculing trans people, or the same as treating them poorly. Just yet again, the trans crowd can't seem to cope with ANY criticism, or even the mildest suggestion that their catechism MIGHT be wrong............

    Saying 'I think you're wrong' isn't ridicule and isn't treating people poorly, however fragile their self-esteem might be such that even such a simple challenge feels like a threat. But hey, we already KNEW that that is one of the problems with the trans crowd, they so DESPERATELY want everyone else to agree with what the rest of us think is their own personal delusion.

    It's like christians who get so upset over atheists

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  30. Anyone who wants to call this blog out for having an agenda or spreading propaganda, get yourself over to a trans support site and see how quickly you get kicked or censored for questioning anything. In fact show me a single pro-trans space that allows any trans-sceptic discussion.

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  31. "She's writing ABOUT US for you. Maybe she should try writing about you."

    Dear Anon at 24th of October, 9:54 PM: she writes about "me". I think you didn't read my post before answering ONE sentence of it. Because if you had, then you would know that I have dealt with the luring trap of "transition" that the medical world likes to present us myself, and if not for lucky circumstances (one of which was the discovery of Dirt's blog), I might have been making Youtube transition videos by now. So yes, she writes about people like me. You and I, dear Anon - assuming you were born female - didn't start out that differently. We just didn't come to the same conclusion at the end. So please, please, stop being egocentric. This blog might be uncomfortable for you, but life-saving for others. You know, there are chauvinist male bloggers around, f.e., who would say you and I are both worthless and dumb, because we were born with female genitalia - how about going there and getting angry there for a change if you want to be angry at someone who doesn't have your opinion?

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  32. Doll, I can see you haven't been here very long. I've watched Dirt cast dispersions upon our characters to no end. Just look back in the archives-it's not pretty. She could argue with the idea of transitioning and "save" your life without saying anything about us, but she doesn't. That's because she cares more about trying to make us look like fucked-up people than she does about supporting you. I support you. Believe me, I do. I don't want you to transition. I don't want anyone to transition who isn't sure. For those of us who have, we deserve to live in peace. Do the work to find out what this blog is really about.

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  33. Anon at 12:51 AM, I have read the archives. I have been only following the blog for a few months, you are right, but before I even subscribed to the feed I read a big part of the archives - most, if not all, of the archived entries. I usually do that before I decide if I follow a blog. It was like quenching my thirst for answers.

    I can understand that you feel angry or uncomfortable because what Dirt writes might sound like a provocation to you, but still I think that most transguys that come here are misinterpreting the purpose of this blog. I think also that a big part of the conflicts between Dirt and the transguys stem from the transguys trying to argue and prove that what Dirt says is wrong. A blog is a dynamic process, and it is made by the author and the commenters both, since the author will react to what the commenters say with the next posts. So if the transguys stop arguing with what is written here, there will be probably less about them in this blog. There still will probably be a lot about transition and this trend in the medicine as such, but probably much less about transguys as persons - and that is the only thing that I understand that you feel offended by. Because you cannot be offended by a general opinion about a medical practice, you can just disagree with it.

    I really wonder why people who are against the opinion stated here continue to follow? Sometimes it seems at least 50 % of the followers and commenters are transguys, I don't really understand that. You know, I don't have the wish to go and argue with a blogger that says what I think to be bad things about people like me. I mentioned the chauvinist blog, and really, really, I will not go there and prove them that they are wrong, because they know they are, and just being an a******, so I will not succeed in trying to convert someone being evil on purpose (the only possibility would be to contact their provider and try to force them to take down the blog, but for that, they don't go against the law enough).

    But if you come here and argue with Dirt, then it means that deep in your heart... it could be that you fear she is right, even for you, not only for me.

    I am not trying to offend you. I am just sad that people are trying to fight against a female that gives hope and a positive change of point of view to other females, that need this hope desperately, instead of thinking about how this world really works.

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  34. lesbianplusfeministOctober 26, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    "we appear insecure each time we try and explain ourselves"

    I wouldn't say insecure, but kind of dumb in too many cases. Surely it's obvious that some of the stuff that gets repeated over and over again makes no sense whatsoever?

    Being yourself by changing yourself.
    Male personality.
    I've always been a man, but I've only lived as a man full-time for a few years.
    Men can have vaginas.


    It is not mean to point out that this stuff is mindless babble. Explain away, but don't feed us a line of BS.

    "How dare you judge someone's life with such ignorance and lies? You twist everything we say to fit your own stupid agenda."

    ...said right after you judged me as despicable. Try again. Nothing I've said is a lie, you don't know my "agenda," and I judged what this person said, not the person. You make me think with this 500th accusation of "twisting" things people say, though. I think some people honestly post stuff on this blog without thinking through the implications of what they're saying, and when some of us point out these implications they've never seen before, it seems like what they've said has been twisted.

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  35. " I think some people honestly post stuff on this blog without thinking through the implications of what they're saying, and when some of us point out these implications they've never seen before, it seems like what they've said has been twisted."

    How dare you misquote me by using my own words!
    :P

    ReplyDelete

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