Change Your World-NOT your Body

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Losing a Lesbian Partner to Transition

I received an email a few days ago from a lesbian who lost her partner to transition, asking if I knew of any support groups for lesbians in her position. I do not. I told her I would provide a space here for lesbians who would like to discuss/share their feeling of losing a lover to transition.

Whenever lesbians leave partners who transitioned, they often feel guilty and often times are made to feel guilty by both the trans partner and the trans community, occasionally they are attacked by both the trans partner/trans community. Their voices are repeatedly drowned out or silenced completely by trans vitriol and accusations of "transphobia"!

The misogyny and sexism involved in calling a lesbian who leaves her trans partner "transphobic" is astonishing and anti-lesbian! The lesbian, i.e. the "woman" is suppose to stay and support her "transMAN"! This is akin to calling a lesbian who wont date a man, manphobic! If a lesbian who transitioned truly loved her g/f she wouldnt even ask her to use male pronouns, let alone accept her transition. She would simply end the relationship, and move on.

Suffice it to say, if you have left a partner to transition, feel free to tell us your story. I will trying to provide a few posts a month dedicated to those lesbians who lost partners to transition.

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  1. This is one post that I absolutely agree 100% with you on. The idea of a lesbian woman being expected to "suddenly" love a man is folly. It is absolute nonsense.

    But then again, from the opposite end of the spectrum, you have lesbian women who are on the "prowl" for transmen. I know many of them personally. They fetishize and objectify transmen and "prefer" to date/form relationships with them.

    Even further into this, you have lesbians (the same type as mentioned above) who justify their ridiculousness/hypocricy (in being attracted to a transMAN) by saying that their lesbianism still remains intact. Their lesbianism....meaning the fact that they are exclusively sexually, romantically, physically, and psychologically attracted to WOMEN...everstill goes unchallenged...and the fact that they desire or fancy a transMAN does not challenge their lesbianism (to them).

    I find that to be not only offensive to transsexual men, but to the lesbian community in general. Self-made/proclaimed "lesbians" are a far different thing than being born a lesbian (which is the truth entirely).

    Tranny chasers exist. Trans-trenders exist. I think when these two mockeries are have the tragic subject of this post.

    A lesbian woman, by NO worldly means, should be expected to love a man, by any definition. It is foolishness.

    That's just my theory on it.


    1. wow this is so fucked up. I was born cis and married a man knowing I was attracted to women. I came out at 27. Was with my partner for 15 years and then spent 7 single. Now I have married the love of y life and been with her for five years. I am not a tranny chaser. I can't imagine being with a man. It took a lot for me to come out. Something was never right. I don't want to be with a hairy man, I do not like armpit hair or leg hair. It is all gross to me. If I wanted to be with a man I would go for one. I have a lot of trans friends and great for them. 98% of them are angry, miserable and super negative. I can't even be around most of them for long. My wife I married as a butch and who recently came out as a twin spirit - ok non binary but hated the term. I was barely accepting this. Now she comes to me saying she has to be a man. This is the love of my life so now what do I do? I know I will not be physically attracted to her much anymore so do I stay and suffer? We had goals, dreams and a life planned ahead. I am not really up for paying for all these medical bills for the rest of my life. maybe it is selfish but I had to deal with other shit before this - one thing after another. I don't get a break with her. I am hurt, angry, pissed, sad, fearful and now totally depressed. How to get support for this? Self made lesbians? That is really fucked up. Some people have a process and they all are different time frames. Just like from what she says as a trans. Just I need support and help but not negative bullshit blogs

  2. I absolutely would not expect my partner (if I had one)to stay in a relationship with me if she is lesbian. Rarely do I agree with you, but I do agree with a lesbian walking away from a partner that chose to transition after they coupled. I also believe some of those who have lost a partner to transition should start support groups if there are not any already. It is not transphobic to not stay in a relationship if the partner has chosen to transition.

  3. Just to be awkward, I think we have to be careful here as what we are saying are the REASONS for a lesbian leaving a partner who has transitioned -- if we say, because she is attracted to women, and her partner is now a man, then we legitimize the whole concept that you can make a man out of a woman!

    From my point of view (I've lost friends but not lovers to transition), the problem is not that the lost one is 'now a man', but that the lost one no longer wants to be the woman that you became friends with or fell in love with. If you add to that the changes if they are taking T, and the possible surgical mutilation, then expecting someone who loves women (with womens genitalia being part of that) to remain in love with that women even though she now wants to mutilate part of her body that you initially desired, is going too far.

    Not because she has 'become a man' at all, but because she now desperately wants to be something other than what you desire.

  4. "Just to be awkward" = Just to insert bigotry into a conversation where transsexual men agree with you so as to maintain a venomous air towards their positioning as men.

    Calling us "things" rather than calling us "men".
    Calling us "insert anything but men here" instead of just calling us men.

    We can't win. Even when we agree with you.

    NO matter what you just have to be a bigot and choose to deliberately dismiss our identities.

  5. @Baddyke,

    Once on T, while the trans(man) will always be 100% female, they are no longer women.


  6. Anon@1:56pm

    Lesbians do not "fetishize" transmen, queer women do, i.e. straight women.


  7. Any other comment past this point will be deleted if it is not from a lesbian who lost a lover to transition. This post is for them!


  8. Now and then, my partner says things that make me think she wants to identify TG or be seen thus. But she doesn't want to take T, says she accepts her female form, doesn't want to have a mastectomy, etc. She gets upset when the topic of TG comes up, but she is the one who brings it up. I know she doesn't id as a lesbian, and I accept that, but she knows I do. And she knows what that means.

    I love her, but if she wants to identify as male or be seen as one or use their pronouns or whatever it is, it would be a serious problem. I don't want a man and I don't want to be with someone who'd want to take that on with all of the privilege and such that comes with it. Dealing with the dysphoria and the internalized misogyny and lesbophobia is hard enough. There is love but as I learned from breaking free of a life of cultural and religious oppression, as a female I must assert the rights to my own boundaries, preference and identity. I don't know what I will do if these things come to pass. How do you balance the needs of your family and the love against the pain and the weariness that comes from denying what hurts you and what makes you happy? Will I be able to be here everyday if she surrendered to self hate and denied the very thing she says she loves in me - her femaleness? Would I be able to call her "him," to assist her in making straight folk think she's a male? Do I love her enough to be thought of as straight, to be unseen as lesbian, to be seen as an accessory to transition?

    I'm so angry at how "queer culture" has fucked these women in the head.

  9. My room mate is a lesbian and is in the BDSM lifestyle. She identifies as a lesbian but wants to be called Sir by her submissives or slaves and packs 24/7. She has no desire to be a man yet she says she wants her breasts removed.

    I'm FTM by the way. My room mate has asked me to give her a shot or two of T and has asked me what it would do to her. Well, honestly it wouldn't do much but give her a sore throat the next day and maybe have a raspy voice for a few days. She is a 100% butch lesbian and always has been. She wants her voice lower which I can understand. She is in no way feminine at all. She asked me the other day if I think she is trans and I told her no. She's 51 years old and is having a midlife crisis. I want to answer her questions but I really don't know how to as I am not a therapist. She wants a deeper voice and her boos to be be smaller or be gone. I don't know what to say to her right now. I don't want to make her feel bad or anything. Maybe she is just confused due to her mid life crisis. She is one of my best friends yet I don't know what to say to her. I can't answer all of her questions on why she wants her boobs gone or why she wants a deeper voice...yet she doesn't want to be a man. I have no clue what to say to her.

    If you can help me Dirt, I would appreciate your input. I'm at a loss for words right now....

  10. I'd honestly be shocked if any trans man genuinely expected their lesbian partner to stay with them.
    Whether they're transitioning to male, or something not man nor woman (there are some who do aim to carve out such a position), its an unrealistic expectation if they're no longer female and that's what you are attracted to.
    I'd really like to see an example where someone cried transphobia over the breakup though. Such an attitude is fundamentally contradictory to the nature of trans, and anyone who says otherwise needs a Gibbs head-slap.

    So, no lesbian should ever feel guilt for breaking up if their partner transitions.

  11. Hi, I lost my girlfriend to transition. The reason why I left was because I could not love anymore a mutilated hairy body with a low voice.
    And also I am much to hold to be interested by late teenagehood even with attitude ;)

    It has nothing to do with the fact I don't love male as a hairy mutilated body with vagina is not male neither female to me...

    But it has a lot to do with the fact I love female body and don't understand self-mutilation.

    In the same time, one of my ex lost her breast to cancer and she is still female to me because she had no choice...

    Those trans trenders are pitiful...

  12. The real problem is that once your girlfriend starts looking like a dude everyone is going to think you're straight. Or in dirts case, a fag. You all are so obsessed with being gay. It's like you aren't even a person, you're just a gay. Eating, drinking, wearing, doing all of the things all of the other gays are doing. You all are a bunch of robots. Out fighting for your butchness as if it something to be proud of. It might be true that no one likes a tranny but guess what female bodied people, EVERYONE hates a dyke.

  13. dirt, i'm sure you'll remove the last comment in which the wise commenter says 'guess what, female bodied people, EVERYONE hates a dyke'- but maybe you can save it for later as an example of the inherent anti-lesbian nature of ftm transsexualism.

  14. " It might be true that no one likes a tranny but guess what female bodied people, EVERYONE hates a dyke.

    August 3, 2011 5:57 AM"

    That's 1.) Why these lesbians are transitioning, and
    2.) Why their lesbian ex's left their transitioning partner's self-hating asses.

    Not a Lesbian partner to a transitioner but responding to comment.

  15. You all are so obsessed with being {trans}. It's like you aren't even a person, you're just a {trans}. Eating, drinking, wearing, doing all of the things all of the other {trannies} are doing. You all are a bunch of robots. Out fighting for your {tranniness} as if it something to be proud of. It might be true that no one likes a {lesbian} but guess what {still} female bodied people, EVERYONE hates a {hypocritical asshole}.

  16. What people hate about Dykes is that they hate women who don't exist to support men. Women who don't prioritize males above females. Women who are independent from men and maleness. In a male supremacist world females who don't uphold male power, or who decline to recognize valued traits as being tied to those sexed male, are despised. Women who identify with and support male oppression are valued. The lesbians who leave female partners who embrace maleness do so because they recognize this hatred in their partners. To Lesbians this is obvious.
    The other thing that is obvious to Lesbians, and gay men, is that homosexuals are sexually oriented to those of the same sex, not to the acting out of gender. Lesbians are not aroused by sucking cock, no matter if the cock is wearing a pink gendered ribbon, and gay men like dick, not vaginas. Homosexuality (attraction to those of the same sex - not "gender") should be respected. No amount of surgeries can change sex. So there isn't a hetero woman on earth that partners with FTMs. There isn't a gay man on earth that partners with FTMs. There isn't a Lesbian on earth that partners with MTFs.
    When I think of Lesbians whose partners are lost to transgenderism I think of the woman who wrote about waking up in the night while sleeping with her beloved and smelling a man in the bed next to her- her partner who had been injecting testosterone. And the horror she felt at waking up to smell a man in bed with her, in the place of her beloved. She knew it was over then. She was a Lesbian.

  17. "but guess what female bodied people, EVERYONE hates a dyke"

    This! This disgusting statement sums up the whole dilemma. Also it shows that the T in LGBT is nothing but anti homosexual.
    That's the ugly truth revealed by a transgender ally.

  18. but they think they're 'gay' when they starting having sex with men or other transmen

  19. (but gay male is better than 'dyke,' yes?)

  20. Actually Gallus I've known plenty of Femmes (many gold stars) who get turned on from sucking Butch cock.


  21. yeah strapping on is good fun
    doesn't make you a wannabe male

  22. Many males enjoy their wives strapping and fucking them.


  23. That all said, lets get back on topic. I'll create a post regarding the lezbophobia and the trans community.


  24. Straight women are attracted to bio men. FTMs are not bio men! Lesbians are attracted to women not bio men or trans. So by definition these female tranny chasers are neither straight or lesbian.

    They're just fetishizing mutilating and transition.

    That's neither gay or straight.

    That's just a fetish. They sexualize the situation. They do not care about the person or their body.

    I have a friend who lost her gf to transition. Total trans-trending situation. I bet many of you can guess what the FTM changed her name to! My friend was pretty damn hurt and angry. To which the FTM was quite surprised by. Now my friend's been pushed into being supportive and stand by the situation. I think mainly because she feels guilty. "If you really love me....then..." etc. etc. I think its pretty selfish to want someone to stick by you over that. There's a film called "Normal" which pretty much sums up how my friend felt at the time. Well, she still feels that way. But I don't think she really knows what to do. I don't even know what to tell her. Since so many people around are trying to get her to understand "his" situation and love "him" for who "he" really is so "he" can be a better person to you, etc. etc. etc.

  25. What people hate about dykes is that they are caddy and dramatic. They'd rather sit around here playing victim and throwing big pity parties, finding someone to blame, instead of doing something productive with their time. Did you know there is more domestic violence in the lesbian community than any other community? That ought to tell you something

  26. caddy??
    must be that big 'male' brain...
    thanks for letting me know why i'm hated

  27. really? more lesbians beat their women than straight men? show me the study.

  28. Yeah, show us that study. Never heard that before.

    My girlfriend stayed with me after I told her I was trans. Told me that she loved me for who I was inside and didnt care what gender I was or what body I wanted. Has stuck by me through it all. I didnt think she would stay because she is a lesbian and has always only been with women. The only negative thing that she said was that she felt she might be less attracted to me when I go on T.

  29. I don't get the FTM trend, and I see it as a loss of beautiful, strong butch women. That loss makes me sad, because I love strong, beautiful butch women. The dichotomy of their hard presentation with the softness of their female bodies is erotic to me. Like a lot of Femmes, I like to touch and make love to a woman's body. Friends who have transitioned make me sad, and I feel like they have rejected our shared lesbian past. I respect their decision, accept that they wanted to leave, and mourn their loss to our community. But for me, their essential lesbian nature does not transcend their transitioning toward maleness. I know they are not lesbian anymore, and so, they have taken themselves off my menu. And it makes me sad. It reads as loss. And sometimes I cry.

  30. I didn't lose a partner. I lost a friend.
    I'm a woman who feels emotionally closer to women, and not close emotionally to men at all. When my friend began taking the hormone she started acting like the worst sort of "man" I'd ever seen. Yet still also acted whiney and petulant like a spoiled child. How are doctors just giving these people T without seriously making them pass mental exams?
    It's like giving heroin to an addict to get them off alcohol. This is such a travesty. And outright gobsmacking travesty.
    Signed, A Proud Feminist Of The Oldschool Variety

  31. My beloved girlfriend is full steam ahead to do this awful thing. I can't bear the idea of watching the mutation and mutilation and the death of the girl i love. We are doomed- but i promised to "give it a try", if only to give her a longer chance to change her mind and live the life we have and love together. I am not kidding myself into truly believing the anemic hopes I have that I may not notice her changes- I've seen the nightmare youtubes. Awful. A support group? All that seems to be out there are ways to support "HIM", mixed in with judgements about how "you should love the person inside", or "if you really loved them, you would do anything". Horseshit.
    Maybe I would benefit from a support group, but honestly, after all this is over, my heart broken, my beloved gone forever, I hope I never hear another thing about TRANS-WHATEVER again.

  32. I lost my wife. We had been together for nine years and had got married on our ninth anniversary. Our beautiful same-sex wedding and seeing the photos of herself in the dress was the catalyst for her to realise she was actually a he.
    Things made sense for me and so although I was nervous, in my vows I said I would love him the way he needed to be loved. So I chose to stick by him.
    Less than a year after our wedding we were broken up and he had had his first dose of T. My heart and our family was broken.
    To make matters worse, he couldn't bear to tell his family he was transitioning so he started making up reasons for why we weren't together anymore. In the end accusing me of domestic violence. Cut off all of our friends, created new ones based on the lies. By the time his family found out they already pinned me as the bad guy. Which is so ridiculous that a magistrate told him he had no idea what domestic violence was (when I asked him why he said such a thing he said I was "emotionally abusive", when I asked how he said "when you tell me that I upset you it makes me feel bad". When I asked him to please clarify this damning accusation on his public forums he said "if people want clarification they can just ask me" - a narcissistic transitioner is the worst kind).

    I didn't leave him. He left me. I lost him to the transition. My children freaked out. He didn't care and didn't listen. He blogged about things, changing facts, my support for him became "a person" or "a friend" did _____ while privately I was his support and crutch and love, publicly I became the epitaxy of all that was wrong in his world.

    I miss my wife. A lot. She changed. And not in a good way. I understand that he needed to express himself and find himself and I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for the online relationships with other transguys, the sexualisation of things, the total selfishness. I wasn't prepared to be demonised when I put on the line everything to support him.

    I lost my partner and it hurts. But this new person is not anyone I would choose for me. Not because of physicality. Though about the six month mark I was a little revulsed by his body it didn't take long for (now his) body to be attractive to me again. It's the personality. The arrogance. The ugly personality.

    It still hurts us. My children and I. While he is currently recovering from surgery interstate, celebrating with friends, I am supporting my daughter through therapy, and he ignores the fact she even needs it.

    This made him selfish. And ugly and further deceptive and mean. I didn't lose my partner to him finding himself. How could such a creature have existed in my beautiful wife?

  33. Dirt,

    The lesbian you wrote about in this post was me. This beautiful person that I had met and fell in love with, that had proposed to me in the most romantic way just six months before, wanted to become a man. I remember talking to you when she first started going through transition and she started to shut me out. I felt guilty for my feelings of loss at the time, because her answer to me on that was, "If you love me, you will support me in this process." So, I did. I supported up until she took her first shot of "T". Within two weeks, things began to change. She treated me rudely. She ignored me (we had a long distance relationship and I only saw her on weekends) - I supported her in every way that I could. I wanted to be that pillar for her, but in the end, it didn't matter. She became a self-absorbed asshole (pardon my french) who no longer loved me. I am no longer in pain (almost two years later) I have made peace with it. He now lives his life as a man. The state he resides in recognizes him as male and he has legally changed his name. I have not spoken to him since the night I drove out of his driveway due to his cruel treatment of me. I will mention that at the time he was transitioning, he was experiencing a tremendous amount of grief due to a terrible loss of a beloved pet. For that, I can understand some anger or hurt - but to shut out the one person that was supposed to one day be your wife??? I contribute it all to that drug he shot himself up with on a weekly basis. If I can offer any advice to any woman that goes through this, I'd say - support your partner if you feel the need, but REMIND them that they are beautiful JUST the way GOD made them. I tried, but in the long run, if a person is not happy with who they are, they will never be happy with you, either. I wish him well and I hope he finds love and happiness wherever life may take him. I will never forget her or stop loving her, but I'm so glad I healed from it.

  34. My previous partner of all almost four years, who is on the butchy side of the spectrum, started talking about testosterone therapy tonight. I immediately panicked inside, though outwardly I stayed calm. She mentioned it so nonchalantly, like it was no big deal. I don't know much about the FTM or trans community other than that the trans people I know personally seem really nice. The hate and vitriol on this thread seems really scary, though. I love her very much. I don't blame her for thinking about embracing an inherent masculinity to which I was obviously attracted in the first place. The social antagonism that comes along with transitioning doesn't sound like a cake walk though. Does this mean she secretly wants a different kind of woman? A straighter woman? I'm scared and feel very alone.


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