Change Your World-NOT your Body

Saturday, March 19, 2011

What would make YOU want to Transition?

For non T taking readers, was there any time in your life, any experience that occurred that would have caused you at the time to consider transitioning? Or at the least, taking T?

Tell us what it was exactly and why it would have pushed you to the trans edge.

dirt
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29 comments:

  1. I thought I might be trans for about a year and a half. Which is seems like a very long time for me considering I am only eighteen.

    One of the driving factors for me thinking I was trans was my constant hate for my hips and chest. Which I still experience but I am no longer self destructive about it (used to self harm). I am learning how to cope with my discomfort through means such as exercise and communication.

    Another factor that made me want to transition was the trans community. Before I get jumped here, I would like to clarify I have never been directly pressured by a transperson to transition. Only people, mostly straight, who see personal expression as black and white in terms of gender norms. The reason the community influenced me was because of seeing how happy all these people were/are/will be on hormones or gone through srs. I thought I could be like them. I felt so safe in the community. My future was absolute.

    Not quite.

    I have no plans to transition. Not anymore. My therapist suggested I tried living as a butch woman. To try exploring all sections of the lgbt community and to find my own identity without submerging myself within one specific group of people.

    I have found many new friends, gay, lesbian, trans and otherwise and I love them dearly. I appreciate the support and love they give me. I become stronger everyday because of it. I still believe transgenderism exists and I support transgender rights. However, I think transition should never be taken lightly and shouldn't be a primary option. Not at first at least.

    Love yourself. Be safe.

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  2. it's very good you are happy Cerberus

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  3. Beautifully said Cerberus, im so happy you have found a place where you can be you and have the support you need and the friends you desire, im so sorry for the pain you have been thru with your body and discomfort levels, and im glad you found a way to cope, its also really good to see therapists are encouraging people to explore all avenues... i hope your positive experience with such people continue..

    Dirt im on testosterone after years of living as a male and therapy and all that jazz nothing forced me to medically transition, i decided to after looking around seeing all my mates and my brothers and then seeing my self and going uhhh wtf y do i look so different, i went and saw a doctor as i was so confused why other guys didnt look 12 i didnt know i was born female bodied.. /shrug

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  4. The things trans people end up concerning themselves with are so....embarrassing and psychotic

    19 year old FTMs musing on their poetic understanding of manhood, yet FTMs over 30 suffer from having no adult identity....how does this make sense? It doesn't.

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  5. Anon @ 12:22

    Your comment is completely off-topic. It just proves that you came here to degrade FTMs.

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  6. What made me want to transition was a) the thought of having a body that I recognised as mine and b) the chorus of other people transitioning and singing the praises. After I researched what T would do to my body I decided it wouldnt change the important areas and could jepardise my health so I decided not to take it.

    I am still questioning transsexuality and how it applies to me (or not). When I got involved in the trans community I realised how little I fit the standard trans narrative. When I went through puberty I actually welcomed my body becoming a woman's because I thought my head would adjust to it, but it didn't adjust in all areas. Thats the best I can describe it. For example, I like my hips - its just that I never expect them to look and feel the way they do.

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  7. Anon@2:15,

    How do your hips look and feel that you didnt expect?

    dirt

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  8. I don't expect them to be as wide as they are and the texture of the fat under the skin which I've had since puberty (12+ yrs)

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  9. I consider myself trans, but I'm not yet on hormones and not absolutely sure I want to be. Reading your blog has made me think hard about myself and my identity, and really, from a logical perspective being trans makes very little sense to me. How does it make sense that in order to be my true authentic self I need to have surgery and synthetic hormones? Despite it not making sense to me, I feel comfortable looking like and being referred to as a male, and I feel like I want the changes T will give me. I wouldn't mind going bald if it meant I'd have a deeper voice, more hair growth on the rest of my body, and my female shape changing into a more male shape. Part of me wants to be able to accept myself for what I already am (female bodied), but I worry that I'd just be denying myself what I really want (a male body.) I guess what would drive me to transition would be if these feelings continue, get stronger and show no signs of going away. At this point I don't see myself wanting to go back to living as a female, but the truth is I haven't been 'out' for very long, and I'm not going to rush into something I can't undo until I'm absolutely sure about it. Dirt, I'd be interested in seeing you write more about how you came to accept and love yourself as a butch woman. I think that would help confused girls (I do believe that not all people who think themselves trans really are trans) learn to love themselves for who they are, much more than taking pictures of FTMs on YouTube would help.

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  10. *Not looking for a arguement- this is just my experience*

    I grew up in a conservative small town in the south. I didn't come out as 'gay' until I left home to go to college in a larger city. I always grew up 'feeling' very different.

    I remember seeing from very young how the sexes were treated differently- had different expectations.
    I didn't WANT to be a woman in this world that I observed around me. Because it was clear to me from age 3 on- that how women were treated was not how I wanted to be treated. I totally remember men being treated as to what I preceived in my small little child eyes as being better than how the girls were treated. And I wanted that- I saw myself as deserving that. I was naturally more dominate and in my child's head I saw that as = male.

    So it wasn't until I was in my early 20's- about the same time that so many people suddenly around me started to be trans, that I even recognized that there was a possibility of transition.
    I saw how many of my 'butch' friends began to go on T to 'butch' it up even further. It was talked about widely, as a option to making your body more masculine appearing. I admit I felt pressured, to do it too. It was exciting and new and all the talk of the new "queers". Like it was the new version of 'butch'
    (this is MY experience)

    I remember feeling pressured like it was a 'who could be more masculine' sort of contest. I was confronted many times by my newly trans friends as to - when was I going to 'come out' as trans.
    Mind you I did and had hated my body as female from even since I can recall having memories about my own body and my own self imagine.

    So of course I felt pressured. But I did not like the results I was witnessing in my trans friends. I didn't like how they went from being butch girls that I felt I had a lot in common with to trans men- who wanted to outdo each other with their T results. To transmen who could no longer cry- many admitted this to me.

    And to transmen who found themselves now dating men, who never had before. This all scared me away. I still was tempted to try T secretly, just for ego centric reasons. I wanted to just pick and choose the results I could possibly get. I wanted the dropped voice, the fat distribution to change to more male appearing body.

    I wanted to be able to fit in with this new queer world that was suddenly the cooler gay kids.

    Please keep in mind that I did most certainly feel like I was a boy as a child. I too felt like I was 'born in the wrong body'. Many days I still as a adult feel as if I could do it all over again and have full control, that I would have been born a straight man.

    But none of this is reality for me. And once I really did grow up, (early 30's is when I truely felt like a adult)- Once my world didn't center on me- I slowly came to terms with my own self-hate, and body hate.

    For me I realized that this life-long battle I've been having was over, once I totally accepted the way things are. That I was not in control of the natural world, that I could not force the world to be centered around all the things that I wanted and expected, that maybe I was put in this mind & body for a reason, and that for me- I felt like me this whole time.

    For me- me does not mean altering what I came into this world with- but instead trying to alter the world's views of what it is to be a woman like me. This acceptance became extreamly empowering.

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  11. JJ,

    There is NOTHING braver in this world than being yourself, and braver still when that self is an unconventional female in the face of conformity.

    Thanks for being awesome JJ!

    dirt

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  12. Fantastic post JJ. ((((hugs))))

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  13. Dirt,

    Thank you so much for writing your blog.

    You saved me, and likely hundreds of others from falling for the FTM lie. It seems like most of my lesbian friends are talking about transitioning. It's the new cool temporary trend, but the damage will be permanent.

    I moved to a new city and began living as male, without hormones, a few months before I came across your blog. Some elements of "passing" were positive for me, but in the end I felt horrible for lying to people who had become my friends.

    Your blog helped me try to start accepting myself in the female body in which I was born. It's a daily challenge to face body dysphoria. I just feel better knowing I am not alone.

    Still, I'm not completely comfortable being seen as a woman. When I first started being read as male, it was accidental. People perceived me as a guy and treated me as such. I liked it immediately and began to go out as male more and more from there.

    I am lucky enough to pass easily without needing hormones or surgery: I am as tall as the average US male, lean and muscular body and small chest. Sometimes I do go out as male just because I like how it feels.

    I don't know how I should approach that and feel better about being a woman.

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  14. Loved everyone's posts thus far.

    Most of the time, I'm fine with my body and fine with being a butch. But some days I wish i was a man and my body was more masculine looking. I wish that my face was more square, that i could grow facial hair, and that the fat along my sides was redistributed. Also something about my neck and shoulder proportions doesn't seem right to me all the time. Sometimes when I picture myself I somehow see a male even though i know what body i have. These would be my reasons for going on testosterone.
    I prefer how i'm treated/seen when i'm viewed as male. I really don't like the word woman for myself. Dirt has a good post this and a video. I tried to make myself OK with it but i'm still not.

    Most of the time I'm on this "I'm neither a man or a woman but a butch" thing, and it's the most comfortable for me personally.

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  15. Feels good to know I'm not alone. Thanks guys!

    I agree in many ways with AJ & anon at 12:39. We should really consider doing a support group of some kind that is specifically for people like us. Sure wish I had one around when I was younger.

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  16. "Part of me wants to be able to accept myself for what I already am (female bodied), but I worry that I'd just be denying myself what I really want (a male body.) I guess what would drive me to transition would be if these feelings continue, get stronger and show no signs of going away."

    This was the crux of the matter for me, and I can't believe how well you summed it up. For me, trying to talk myself out of what I knew I wanted became a form of self-abuse, after years.

    I am amazed and touched by everyone's personal stories here. I want to honor everyone's experience, no matter what they have decided.

    Dirt, feel free to delete this, as I know I was not invited to post on this topic.

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  17. Anon@6:12,

    You're fine hun.

    dirt

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  18. I also thought I might be trans. It lasted for about 2 years, and for 1.5 years of that time I passed as male and lived full time as such.
    (No hormones or surgery, thankfully.) I lived like this because I had/have great discomfort about my female body. Heck, I live as female now and still get read as male 70% of the time. My chest has always been THE big issue for me, and my hips secondary to that.

    More recently, I have adopted the title of "Butch" for myself. I think a big reason I didn't identify as butch before was because of how it's perceived by my generation (People in their 20's). It's got a lot of weird old stereotypes attached to it that younger people tend to shun.

    Personally, identifying this way has made all the difference in my life recently.

    I think it's about time we had a butch revolution, and not a trans revolution.

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  19. The hardest thing about trying to accept myself as a woman is that I've experienced the privileges of life "as a guy". It's so difficult to come back from that.

    As I said before, at the start, I wasn't trying to pass as a guy. It happened accidentally because of my height and athletic body type, short hair, and androgynous clothes. But the benefits were powerful and undeniable. I loved being seen as male in my daily life so I started passing on purpose.

    As a man, "other" men look you in the eye and shake your hand like an equal, instead of something they might potentially be able to f*ck.

    The attention from women was a double edged sword. Women were so much more receptive to the male me, even though I had the same outward appearance and same personality as before. I never got approached by women as a boyish lesbian, but the male me would get hit on and flirted so much more. It made me resent being a woman even more because I had a glimpse of how much better my life would be like if I was biologically male.

    I like JJ's idea of starting a support group, or sparking a butch revolution. Anything to make me feel better and help others who are in the same shoes.

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  20. I'm the anon from 12:39
    AJ your experience socially is exactly like mine. The thing with women drives me crazy sometimes. It's like if you didn't know that I was female you would like me, but you do, so you don't.

    As far as a group goes I'm trying to think of the best medium. Maybe another blog? Or a youtube group?

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  21. I'm the anon at 3:14

    @ anon 12:39 a youtube group might work.

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  22. I never accepted myself as a girl, mostly because I got to see my brother do all the fun things and not have to wear dresses or play with dolls. I rejected dolls at age 7, and wanted to do all the fun things boys do, and male heros got to do on T.V. and the movies. I NEVER wanted to have babies or marry a man, and knew this at age 12. I argued with my parents that I was 'not a girl', I didn't want to wear dresses or skirts or have my hair fussed with. I preferred going into the alleyways, having adventures, climbing trees, playing with the boys not the 'girly' playing house domestic bullshit.

    My family didn't accept me, neither did my peers. I was the first girl in my hockey team, in fact the entire league got into karate at age 14, and had a hard time as a hardcore tomboy.

    It wasn't till I came out into a radical Dyke community where women were PROUD of their strength, power and Butchness and going to create a brandnew world where a woman could be anything she wanted to be, and love another woman as equal and the DykeWitches brought me out and showed me a Female Higher Power where we could literally honor and worship the Sacred Female and our Power(s)....that I learned to accept myself....as a woman, as a Dyke and as a Butch....Butch is who I was and I had a place.

    There was a moment where a male psychologist asked me if I wanted male parts...and I thought about that for a week..and imagined it...I came to the conclusion I wanted MALE POWER..not male parts...the same power men had and so take for granted, and that women and Dykes including Butches, lack to this day. The trans movement hasn't helped us at all.

    The only way I'd transition if I was in a culture like Iran where I'd be threatened with death if I did not transition and still loved women, in other words the crime of Lesbianism....
    -MasterAmazon

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  23. I AM TRANS AND ALWAYS WILL BE
    it was not a choice, the only way i can be happy is to get out of this womans body and get into the right one for me which is a male body. hopefully i will be on T soon because growing a mustache and having body hair will make me feel more like a man. i am in the middle of transitioning and i am doing this because this is what feels right and i was not pressured by anyone.

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  24. For those interested in doing a youtube butch group, there is one butchoutlaws that someone has tried to start and i think we should join up with her.

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  25. @anon 1:47 PM

    I think that could work.

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  26. I have a very feminine face that could be considered 'beautiful'. This means I'm unable to 'pass' most of the time, also that some men actually find me attractive despite the fact I have a shaved head and wear men's clothes. I also have gay men trying to hit on me because of my feminine face etc which must make them think I am a young boy etc.

    I know Dirt thinks passing isn't a good thing, but frankly, why would I want to live a life of hassle and homophobia by being openly masculine and female. What kind of a life is that eh?

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  27. irondeciple said...
    I have a very feminine face that could be considered 'beautiful'. This means I'm unable to 'pass' most of the time, also that some men actually find me attractive despite the fact I have a shaved head and wear men's clothes. I also have gay men trying to hit on me because of my feminine face etc which must make them think I am a young boy etc.

    I know Dirt thinks passing isn't a good thing, but frankly, why would I want to live a life of hassle and homophobia by being openly masculine and female. What kind of a life is that eh?
    ___________________________________

    Well, some gay men's pedophilia really does get to me.... or their worship of very young men....and they DO hit up on Butch Dykes too, including when I was younger and thinner, and almost always on my first partner in SF, who was petite and Butch thinking she was just out of boyhood...which disgusted both of us....that IS a real phenomena, and BEING MEN, they don't have sexual boundaries oftentimes, or respect. One drag queen at the last gay event I went to felt up my Butch partner's nipples as they passed by and I was out of the room. My partner was very upset about it..it was very clear she was a BUTCH DYKE, NOT a dude! And yet, this drag queen felt they had the right and privilege to hit on her....

    At the end of the night the drag queen touched my arm, and I said "Don't EVER touch my partner again!". Which makes me NOT want to be in mixed situations with gay men...

    But what kind of life can you live as a Butch Female, indeed if that is what you are, which just by what you say you may not be, is living a life of integrity. I was NEVER feminine, maybe at a very young age I didn't object to wearing dresses, because I didn't know about the differences between boys and girls and I hadn't yet felt the deep sting of being treated differently than my brother. I was the older sibling, and I went to an all girls school where we were all equals....it wasn't till I began to realize around age 7 that I was treated differently and forced to play with dolls and do domestic things like cook and clean while my brother didn't have to do either, that I objected...and began to adopt more tomboy ways...I've been a tomboy all my life since then..it's not something 'I decided' to be, like one day you're Butch, the next day Femme or feminine...so what are you saying? That you'd rather stay feminine so the gay boys leave you alone, or you'd rather transition to male, where THEY'D STILL HIT ON YOU, NOW THAT YOU'RE FULLY MALE APPEARING?

    Being and staying a Butch Dyke is LIVING a life of integrity, not having to 'pass' either as feminine to survive, like many Butches had to do in the past, especially in regards to work, and could only 'butch it up' in the dyke bar scene, or to submerge my Butch Femaleness by adopting even more male attitudes, hardening myself, or transitioning to male.

    So yes, you'd deal with homophobia and hassle being an open Butch FEMALE, rather than passing as either feminine, or transitioning to FTM, but you'd also be living a LIFE OF INTEGRITY, where you did not have to hide who you truly are.
    That is why I see most Butch Females as true Amazons, because we are strong, powerful womyn, part of a Sacred Sisterhood of women loving women, throughout time....and that WE ARE NOT ALONE, even if sometimes it feels that way!
    -MasterAmazon

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  28. It's the straight men that really piss me off, rather than the gay men. Because the straight ones like to hide under their fake, macho, half-closeted, exterior, when really they are usually a bigger bunch of queens than the gay men even. At least the gay men don't pretend.

    I wouldn't transition, but I would take androgenic hormones. The onloy problem with this is that because I'm masculine, if I was to develop a deeper voice, facial hair and a square jaw, as I haven't changed gender legally, this could actually cause more problems than being openly butch etc. If I was a feminine woman, then I would just look like a steroid-injecting bodybuilder. But as I'm not a feminine woman, I will look comepletely like a man, yet still legally female. Arkward situation.

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  29. IronD,

    If you're a Butch female you ARE feminine. Only females that transition through taking T are "masculine" females.

    dirt

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