Change Your World-NOT your Body

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Stone-Sexuality or Sexual Dysfunction?


Stone has long since been associated with Butch Lesbians; a deep shame masked, then worn like a badge of courage sprinkled with pride. The Stone badge has also been mistakenly worn to indicate the degree of butchness, as in the greater the degree of stone, the greater the degree of Butch. There is also a strange twistedness that the greater the degree in Stone Butch, the closer the Butch is to male. This twisted thinking came into fruition via STRAIGHTBIANS back in the 50s, but the problem was exacerbated in the early 90's with the advent of the equally twisted queer movement through Queer Theory.

The strange twistedness is the aligning stone sexual behaviour with that of male sexuality. If you arent familiar, stone sexual behaviour is a limited sexual dysfunction. The Stone lesbian limits or excludes her lovers touch/love making, especially around her breast and pussy region. She oddly attributes those specific body parts to femaleness, able to ignore that her entire body is in fact female and her entire female body sexually tactile. The Stone will fuck her partner but is too ashamed of her own femaleness to allow her partner reciprocal sexual intimacy. So that whenever a lover desires to lick/suck/caress/make love to the Stone Lesbian, she refuses outright or if her natural desires gets the best of her and she concedes, she feels INTENSE shame afterward, like she's suddenly become less Butch or has been un/Butched. Now when was the last time you heard of a male refusing a blow job or his penis being off limits because it would make him feel less manly?? NEVER!

Being afraid and ashamed of sexual intimacy has never been an identity and never will be. Stone is a sexual dysfunction to be challenged, worked through, and overcome. Where there is no mutual love, including sexual familiarity, true love cannot exist, because true love requires intimacy. Stone is all walls with no open doors or windows. Isnt it about time we start talking about the shame that laid those walls of Stone brick by bloody brick so that in the future no other Lesbian will suffer from this deepest female shame?

If you have suffered from sexual shame and overcame it or are suffering now and wish to overcome it, share with us your stories. They may just save a life, yours.

dirt

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20 comments:

  1. Then what is wrong with the stone femmes who like to be with stone butches? If she likes to receive and I like to give and we are both happy, how is that dysfunctional?

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  2. @ Last Muscle Car Summer

    Word!

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  3. Lesbians who date mentally hurt straight women in order for both to escape intimacy do not have healthy relationships, and they certainly never last.

    dirt

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  4. lol where did you get "straight" from that comment?

    I think your selective comment setting on this blog has caused you to aquire selective reading. I see it a lot here. You should get that checked out.

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  5. You don't have to be straight to be avoiding intimacy.

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  6. "lol where did you get "straight" from that comment?"

    Because lesbians like female bodies sexually and stone femmes don't.

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  7. I was the first woman to WANT to put my fingers on her, to put my tongue on her, to kiss her breasts. Maybe a past gf did it, but always grudgingly (only oral) to "get it over with" so they could get to the part where they got strapped. They wanted to be the objects of her energy and attention. Their attitude - she says - was that touching her was icky or unnatural or that her body under those clothes, especially the breast & vagina, wasn't attractive. Now she's been with someone who WANTS these things, who desires them and who goes after it. It's changed her -- and she says it has made her more comfortable with her female body than any of the previous admiration and flirting from straight / bi/ queer girls in the past did.

    To be wanted and desired for something MORE than her appearance or her "strong arms" or her swagger. Those things are attractive too, but this is more... because I'm a Lesbian and I want all of her.

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  8. PS - I was once talking to a self proclaimed proud stone butch. She was really attracted to me. Problem was, I was really attracted to her, and I knew I would be hurt, dissatisfied, angry and frustrated if we started a sexual relationship and then I was actively prevented from touching her or worse - being permitted to touch her and then seeing her filled with shame and hatred after that. So I didn't pursue it. The feeling you get as a Femme Lesbian after having your hand or mouth pushed away, after being redirected ... is so painful. You start to feel like you are "wrong" as a lesbian for wanting to touch / kiss / make love to her beyond kissing her above the neck. The shame doesn't end with the feelings the stone butch who "gave in" feels after wards. The lesbian who sees that her touch caused such self-loathing feels it too.

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  9. @anon February 16, 2011 1:40 PM

    Well said, I have experienced that rejection too and it is exactly as you describe.

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  10. Funny how "stone" got repackaged as just another type of sexuality right around the same time sadomasochism became trendy in lesbian circles. Roles, roles, roles.

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  11. I grew up reading/listening to feminists saying that sex wasn’t reduced to one’s genitals and fighting the notion of “real sex = penetration” and “sexual intimacy = penetration” BUT you say there’s no real intimacy without penetration (fingers, tongue) or without physical contact in or around the genitals. For a self-proclaimed feminist butch who’s fighting to end misogyny in this world,you’ve totally fucked up on this one.

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  12. ML,

    I didnt say penetration, I said comfortably sharing your body with your lover and visa versa.

    Many claiming "stone" cannot even touch their own pussys, THAT is dysfunctional. Many pretend they dont have breast or pussys, that too is dysfunctional!

    And until we can talk about the shame that creates that dysfunction, lesbians will continue hating there bodies.

    dirt

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  13. What I find interesting is that - and this is just my limited experience - a lot of times when you're with a stone butch or talking to her, there's a lot of talk about her strapping *you*... while you might want to touch her breasts or vagina (oral and manual doesn't always = penetration) but are stopped from doing so. So who is it that is using penetration to define what "real sex" is going to be? My girlfriend says that her ex-girlfriends (none of whom identified as lesbians, but as "queer femmes" and "bi" and "queer") as well as herself used the strap to avoid intimacy and that she learned to use it to keep a distance between her and the other woman and cover her feelings of vulnerability. The whole "I won't touch you / you will strap for me" dynamic also fed a lot into her last serious girlfriend encouraging her to take T, to transition, to present as male to the public, etc. Because that woman *did* have serious sexual issues herself and did NOT want to touch another female's genitals or breasts and presented herself as a stone femme (although she is back with men now).

    I'm not saying that's what strapping does every single time or all the time, I'm saying with a woman who has stone feelings or has Butch body shame reinforced by a woman who won't touch her, penetrative sex w/ the strap can be used as something to maintain that distance and prevent female-to-female intimacy on that level (b/c it is preventing one woman from being truly vulnerable and sexually trusting in herself and her partner) and thus further a Butch woman's body / sexual shame.

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  14. Anon@7:32am

    I totally agree and have had that experience when I was a young Butch full of Butch Shame. Maturity helped ease that shame, but were it not for partnering with some caring Femme lesbians who desired me as the female I am, I may still be suffering from that shame.

    dirt

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  15. I can't even look a womyn in the eye during sex and I can't stand to see her look at me.

    Seriously, thank you for posting this. I love you blog, it makes me think I'm not alone.

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  16. Okay, first of all, not all Stone people are lesbians or even butch! I'm stone, and I am actually an omnisexual transman. And before you connect my 'dysfunction' to 'gender dysphoria', let me explain something else. I am also autistic. I have sensory integration issues which mean that having someone else manipulate my junk is, at best, boring and a bit strange, and more often, outright uncomfortable. Physically uncomfortable.
    So when you say "her entire female being sexually tactual"? Not necessarily true!
    Yes, the conflation of Stoneness with butchness is antiquated, falsh, and harmful. Yes, being ashamed of one's sexuality or body are tragic things. But not every single Stone individual is ashamed at all, and by defaming us all in this post you are contributing to sexual shame, not fighting it.

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    Replies
    1. I think she is only referring to butch lesbians and their sexual shame in this post, not transmen.

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    2. She's only talking about butch lesbians and their sexual shame in this particular post, which is incredibly helpful for butch women who do suffer due to deep-seeded body issues. If she isn't talking about you, then the post isn't for you. This is for butch women who are dealing with this issue, please don't disrupt that.

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  17. I randomly came across this blog and it was such a relief to read this post, I have tears in my eyes.

    When I was young, I was "stone" (though not at all butch) because I felt so grateful that any woman was willing to go to bed with me and I wanted them to like me. It got old really fast.

    It really shocks me still how many relationships between women are sexually one-sided, and how many "stone" lesbians both put up with it and lash out in other ways (cheating, hitting etc).

    Thanks.

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  18. Ok so this was posted year's ago but i just came across it but ima still comment on it due to me being a stud/butch & being someone who does not receive but do give... First & foremost I make it very clear I'm a giver & not a receiver. That way before anything happens sexually u give the other person a choice to either walk away or stay around & except me for me & both has happened...I have been asked numerous times tho how i can be satisfied with just giving & honestly it has absolutely nothing to do with being ashamed of my body or certain parts of it. I'm comfortable in my body even tho i fight with feeling one day more feminine & the next more masculine but none the less I'm happy in the body I'm in. Mine is more the fact I'm hard to please plus i realized i got more satisfaction from pleasing. Knowing that I'm the cause of such pleasure is more satisfying than getting frustrated cuz i can't get off. I also don't have an issue with getting myself off cuz i get it every time... Plus there's time's that I've got off without being touched while pleasing my partner. So while most feel ashamed of parts of their body & feel inadequate which can be worked on absolutely it's not the same for all some just simply get more pleasure from giving... But there is a down fall to it & that is thru the year's I've realized more curious females come to me for their first time experience & usually back to me when thing's don't work out between them & another. So while it can be satisfying to give it also can get lonely & will make u feel like all ur good for is sex & that's all & yes I allow myself to be put in that spot so no I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy. I guess I'm more trying to say unless ur content with being alone for the most part it's not for u. If the body is part of the issue & ur willing to work that out or if receiving is a problem in general & u want to be able to do what's needed to help u get thru it DO it because loneliness & or being wanted just for sex nothing more can suck big time.

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