Femmes as punching bags for Dykes

Some back and forth comments from a recent post found here in full context, that I wanted to address.

I will address shortly the frightful Femme hatred made clear in several comments above, but first let me tackle the ignorance or denial of the "passing" privileges of the Butch woman experience that conveniently seems to have been left out of MA's comments.

The thing about "passing" is no matter who is doing it or to be more accurate who it is being done to, "passing" is ALWAYS tenuous and uncomfortable and I have yet to know or to have seen in Femme/Butch spaces any Femme or Butch to revel in it when it happens. The ONLY time I have seen "passing" not  bragged about but worn like a sick badge of honour is by those in the "trans" community, usually your tweener dykes aka lower case b butch dykes who make up the majority of women who trannify.

Now I don't know if MA intentionally targeted Femme's with her "passing" privilege tirade or if she choose to simply ignore the "passing" privileges of the typical capital B Butch lesbian(clearly not her experience). As your run of the mill Butch woman my sex began being questioned around the time I could walk and slightly talk. (NO not yesterday!) By the time I was in grade school I "passed" easily and like today still, embarrassingly so. This "passing" privilege is compounded if you are a white Butch, because white privilege carries A LOT of clout. So being white and "passing" as a straight male can be quite troublesome albeit privileged as my Femme lover/sisters know.

A few general examples of white Butch "passing" privilege: this example has happened more times than I could ever count. The other day I'm at the grocery store and walk up to the deli counter, they have a number system whereby you take a number and when they call the number it is your turn to be waited on. I walk up to the deli where a black man is standing alone with a ticket number in his hand. The black man behind the counter watches me approach sans ticket and asks me "can I help you sir"? Not being a fucking straight white selfishly minded male who believes his privilege is natural and his needs should always come first, I reply "this gentleman was before me". Or the gas station I use most in my area, where like clockwork when I go in to pay for my gas the man behind the counter recognizes me and insists in a complimentary manner "you the man, you be the man".

And when out with a Femme either lover or friend, how does Butch "passing" privilege function? The Femme gets invisiblized and diminished further by having her lesbianism ignored and her power as a woman stripped from her. Such as when going out to eat with a Femme friend/lover I am the one who gets asked all the questions from "smoking or non smoking" to being asked "can I take your order" first. If out shopping even in specifically women's stores with a Femme, I'm asked in the presence of the Femme "can I help you sir", like she doesn't even exist. Whatever minuscule perk or privilege I obtain through "passing" like my Femme lover and sisters it isnt something I revel in and in truth being erased isnt much of a perk or a fucking privilege. It is an assault on my fucking identity every single time I am "sir'd" just as it is every single time a Femme cruises under the hetero-radar!

I cannot control how others read me any more than can Femmes, people have been conditioned to read male using certain signifers and female using certain signifiers and heterosexuality is an assumed sexuality because it is the majority. I am fighting for a visible Femme and a visible Butch, neither of which has ever been yet (but will be). But I'll be damned to think our visibility is so fucking simple it can be remedied with us clad in some godawful rainbow shirt or wearing a pair of double women symbol earrings! YUCK! And the truth is the subtleties of lesbian symbols amid the not so subtle ideas of hetero male and female would simply be lost on most people. Besides, Butch or Femme isnt what we wear, it is who we ARE!


I say this to you directly MA: I don't know who has been embodying your idea of "femme" but it isnt capital F Femmes! But regardless MA, you clearly despise Femme lesbians as every comment you have made about them is both sexist, dismissive and misogynistic! Seems you are more interested in some bullshit oppression olympics based on some 30 year old separatist dyke myths and jealousies fed to you, rather than real experiences of Femmes! Someone needs to shake you a bit and wake you from the drum circle dream you're having of a dyke solidarity with Femmes and Butches. The fact is most Femmes and Butch women get treated like shit within dyke spaces. Dykes have made it clear starting with the rise of lesbian feminism in the 70's that Femmes and Butches weren't wanted in their little club and those feelings still ring true today.

I am a lesbian Butch woman and my Femme lover is a lesbian woman, and we will NOT kiss dyke ass to gain "respect" from a community that clearly hates us! A community that has embraced every "queer" man, woman or fruitcake who has knocked on its doors leaving the Femme/Butch community wide fucking open to the harm and threat of "queer" politics! A politic that has both young and old Butches convinced that they are men herding them onto the nearest tranny-train headed to transville! And the ONLY fucking dykes trying to stop that train are FEMMES! Because Femmes stand by us despite Butch shame issues, protect us, get angry when we cannot, shout kick and scream when we have nothing left to say, work when we cannot get a job, carry us when we're too weak to walk, put us on a pedestal when we feel insignificant as a grain of sand and love us when we think we're freaks not deserving of love.

Femmes deal with all of our Butch pain and anger then have to go out into the world and deal with the crap from being invisible. I don't know any Femme who thinks its a fucking privilege to be seen as available to the male gaze and male attention, even those who are open about their lesbianism. Simply because a Femme declares herself lesbian does not get her a free pass to being left alone by men! Does not give her a free pass to being subjected even worse to male advances because "lesbians" titillate the male pornographic mind because all she needs is a good fucking from a man, does not exempt her from straight women using her as a punching bag, does not stop her from receiving sexist behaviour (you as a lesbian exhibited that behaviour right here knowing Femmes are lesbians too). So given that MA, it is clear even if every single Femme lesbian outed herself to every person she meets on the street, behaviours such as yours and the dyke community's are still going to exist.

I just want to make mention one other issue MA, your advice about the "dykes loving dykes" book. I assume you gave one of the authors my email. The first email I received by her I was put off a little and didn't mention certain bits of it to my Femme as she would have been offended. After another email from her I did discuss these emails with my Femme, she curiously scouted about the net and found a thing or two written by this woman that clearly outlined her negative feelings toward Femme lesbians. So after a few back and forth emails I no longer responded to her. She clearly holds the same sexist views you yourself hold towards Femmes. 

FEMME LESBIANS ARE LESBIANS!

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"Femme" Imposters-in a Femme/Butch community near you

Since the Queer Theory stormtroopers ripped the door off the hinges of the Femme/Butch community leaving it wide open for any and all to enter, our community has been flooded with "femme" imposters. While a smidge of those imposters are "trans" disordered homophobic straight men, it is not they that I am addressing with this post.

And before anyone asks why a homophobic straight Mtf-man would join an F/B community, I'll clarify. There are a small number of Mtf-men now in our F/B communities seeking relations with Butch women. And no I have never heard of a single Butch woman EVER dating/relating with an Mtf-man. The reason these straight homophobic Mtf-men use their male privilege to parade on into F/B lesbian spaces seeking Butch women is (depending on how faux female hormones affect the individual man) after injecting faux female hormones for a spell, many straight Mtf-men's brain structures/chemistry/sexual attractions begins to change and many find themselves attracted to men. But like your typical homophobic straight dude they often fight the urge (especially after SRS when their penis loses its focus because it has been mutilated to the point it no longer works properly) to seek sex with other men, they seek out instead women who in their pathologically binary thinking are "mannish" as a way to escape from their homophobia. Meaning they know Butches are women, whom to them "look like men", so if they direct their attractions towards Butch women, they arent being homosexual. Its not the homophobes outside the community we need to worry about as you can see, it is the thousands we've let into our gay and lesbian communities that we need to worry about.

The "femme" imposters I'm speaking of are the emotionally damaged straight women co-opting "femme" identity. These are women who have been sexually/emotionally/physically abused by males at some point/or repeatedly as children/teens. But rather than look their demons in the eye, hold those who hurt them accountable (patriarchy) and work through their pain, they deny their heterosexuality while remaining sexually attracted to men and use Butch women and Femme/Butch spaces to selfishly satisfy their sexual/relationship needs.

"Femme" imposters harm the F/B community on three different levels:

1) One way "femme" imposters hurt the F/B community is how they treat/affect actual Femme lesbians. These "femme" imposters being the straight women that they are, internalizing hetero-patriarchy as they do, bring those negative hetero-patriarchal norms into F/B space, utilizing hetero-patriarchy's hierarchical norms that are designed to keep women apart which in turn keeps women from challenging hetero-patriarchy in massive numbers which could challenge hetero-patriarchy. In F/B spaces this takes the form of  "femme" imposters vying for Butch attention through a "femme" hierarchical system such as IDing as "high femme"/"stone femme" in order to make themselves seem more desirable, more femme (as if) thereby out femming the real Femmes. And in doing so this creates a division between Femmes by creating Femme competition. This competition is made worse by a decline in healthy minded Butch women and the small decline in Butch numbers (will expand on this more in my #2). The hierarchical hetero-pat-systems femme imposters bring to our F/B community then creates a certain distrust between even actual Femme lesbians, shutting them off from one another for fear if they get too close to another Femme, said Femme may in fact either steal their Butch or if single curb the chances Femmes may have of finding a good Butch. This doesn't affect all Femmes and Femme friendships but where it has it has been detrimental to the community bysabotaging any chance of real Femme sisterhood.

2) Another way femme imposters harm the F/B community is in how they hurt Butch women. Because the femme imposter is NOT a lesbian she naturally has no inclination or capacity in participating in a full on complete mutual loving relationship with a Butch woman. This takes the shape in a few different ways; the femme imposter's compulsory heterosexuality prevents her from the commitment to the patience and intimacy needed to aid the average Butch woman in working through her Butch body/sexuality issues in order to achieve a healthy fulfilling F/B relationship, in fact more often than not the femme imposter does just the opposite. The femme imposter encourages Butch shame either subtly with hints of disgust towards the Butch woman body (minimal physical contact/lack of sexual desire for the Butch body) or to a greater degree in insisting Butch women are male like or worse actually men and therefore should trannify in order to achieve the maleness the femme imposter claims Butch woman have/are. The latter scenario obviously more dangerous than the first as it is irreparable, but do not discount the psychological damaging pain of the former.

3) And somewhere circling the harm the femme imposter causes to both Femme and Butch women the damage done can linger, harming the potential for healthy future Femme/Butch couplings. In the sense of Femme's internalizing the hyper hetero-femininity femme imposters impose on our community creating self doubt and insecurity where before there was little and in deepening Butch shame to those Butches who have the strength and presence of mind not to trannify from femme imposter pressures but whose fragile natures still get hurt from femme imposters selfish processes. Femme lesbians worry are they femme enough and Butch lesbians are so shamed and hurt they fear letting another Femme in regardless of the authenticity of the Femme.

It is time true Femmes and Butches reclaim our rightful identities and spaces! Say NO to femme imposters!

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True Femme

Just as I regularly publicly strip off the male-centric hetero-istic gloss covering over much of our Femme/Butch nations, revealing the true Femme/Butch body politic hidden underneath. I feel I must also publicly illuminate occasional individual shadows cast in comments here. In one such recent comment a radical butch claiming to have full understanding of Femme/Butch couplings said she had no interest in Femme's who complain when they break a nail or in Femme's who do not "pass". And that because she values equality within a relationship she prefers "butch on butch" relationships hinting that Femme's in general do not pull their weight within Femme/Butch relationships and if they do its because they happen to be "dykey femmes" (her words not mine). Not only is this misogynistic and sexist, it is completely untrue!

You may get tired of me reiterating this kinda thing but before I continue due to all the ignorance floating about out there, when I say Femme I'm speaking solely of Femme lesbians who couple with Butch lesbians and not all the fucked up straight women co-opting Femme space and Femme identity. 

I know our own individual experiences/lives colour and inform how we experience everything. But with any group despite how we as individuals with individual experiences interpret meaning, there still remain the solids that the group formed itself around to begin with. Of the Femme/Butch community that I have known(in some cases the world over) for the past 20+ years despite the temporary "queer" surface deceptions, the solids, the foundations are still intact. The Femmes I know and have known have always "passed" as heterosexual. Hence the dilemma and discussion that has been ongoing for over 60 years concerning "Femme Invisibility"!  Passing can take the form of make up, heels, skirts and dresses or flats, jeans and Tshirts without make up if your are Femme. I've known Femmes to change a flat tire with manicured nails, 4 inch heels and a short skirt, Femme electricians, Femme chefs, Femme body builders, Femme construction workers. Femme is about BEING, not DOING! Why is it that lesbians are always so quick to slam, undermine and just plain pick on Femmes? Are they so threatened by a feminine lesbians skills, presence and power??? And I cant say I have seen a Femme with long nails, kinda defeats the purpose of being lesbian (wink wink) if you know what I mean, so the breaking nail thing I cant speak to.

Inequality with Femme/Butch relationships by Femmes on the other hand? That I definitely can speak to, starting with its just plain false! I wont go into detail (my blog is littered with them) of the myriad of difficulties Femmes endure in their relationships with Butches but believe me you they are numerous and often difficult with no quick fixes! Femmes in general not ONLY pull their own weight but usually more than half of their Butch's weight as well! And I am not Butch blaming, I'm Butch reporting. As Butch women still very much invisible and invisible to each other especially growing up we tow a hard lonely road that is only made worth it where our Femmes have paved the fucking way! Where our Femmes have put in sidewalks, and built and furnished homes for us, planted trees and flowers and given us the sun and moon! Where all we Butches have to do in return is give our Femmes our smile, our hand, our hearts, ourselves. And within those gestures the true Femme calls it equal.

But this privileged Femme experience is one that ONLY the capital B Butch is privy to. For that I am truly blessed to have been born a capital B Butch!

capital D Dirt