STOP THE HATE
STOP THE MISOGYNY
STOP THE ABUSE TO THE MENTALLY ILL
LOVE YOURSELF
dirt
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Dirt's 10th Weekend Women's Day of Remembrance
STOP THE HATE
STOP THE MISOGYNY
STOP THE ABUSE TO THE MENTALLY ILL
LOVE YOURSELF
dirt
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Totality of Femme
I roll out of bed leaving a warm dream filled Butch behind, its early, a good hour before my baby needs to arise. She can shower, dress sip a cup of coffee and be off in 30 minutes. Me? I need to get up now if I have any hope putting myself together before work. I go through my morning routine of showing, shaving, plucking, putting on make-up and dressing along with having the coffee ready before my Butch awakes. Many moons ago with my then routine of a quick shower and towel dried hair I could have slept in with my Butch, but those would have and were blue moons because there was no Butch. I let the lesbian feminism I so wanted to be a part of convince me Butch women were products of patriarchy, the enemy, along with my salon styled hair, my pretty clothes, my make up, my heelz, in fact...me...for being Femme. I gave it all up in favour of "sisterhood" and "solidarity", believing I was part of something that would change the world. Instead, it only changed me.
My plain look didnt stop the men with leering gazes from asking me what book I was reading or how I'm liking the change in weather, all in some vain hope that the book or warm sun was going to be their vile accomplice in getting me into bed. My plain look didnt add any numbers to my weekly paycheck. My plain look didnt get the federal government to pass an equal right amendment. My plain look didnt stop men from abusing and raping women and children. My plain look didnt change me from being a woman therefore "not management" material. My plain look didnt even grant me the lesbian visibility it promised. What my plain look did do is alienate me from me and me from the Butch women I desired with my whole being. For a while at least, but just for a while.
Today as I kiss my Butch and leave the house I leave behind as I take her with me the Femme I swore long ago I would NEVER again remove. But while I do not take her off, neither is she recognized, anywhere I go. Even when I out myself to people; "oh are you married"? " no I'm a lesbian", she remains unseen. Unseen because the totality of Femme is invisible even in the flesh. Example: I go to a function through work where I meet people that I do not work with. I mix, I mingle where upon at some point in the evening a man ask me "what does your husband do"? I politely reply "My girlfriend works in so and so. I'm a Femme lesbian" The man seems slightly taken aback and more than slightly interested. Before I can say another word a female co-worker of mine comes up and the man quickly says "oh is this your girlfriend"? Then I do what I always do, I open my purse, pull out my pocket book to the picture I have of my Butch and I and say "no this is my girlfriend"! The man says nothing more and walks away seemingly in confusion and disgust.
Even when declaring Femme lesbian I remain invisible, all that is visible is "lesbian". If I strictly say "Femme", people go blank, when I add lesbian they immediately go to girl on girl porn. This is what I mean about the totality of Femme. Younger Femmes, self hating Femmes are so quick these days to separate themselves from Butches. But Butch is a major component in MY totality of Femme. Because if she doesnt come into view then I remain invisible, the lesbian I am remains invisible. I'm not interested in being the star in the fantasies of straight men! That little "lesbian" bubble they all carry around in their brains to please their pricks quickly goes POP when they see my Butch. The "lesbian" thrill loses its appeal, then the lesbian we both are becomes invisible.
This is a typical day for me as a Femme, explaining, ignoring, half explaining, half ignoring all to no avail, all to remain unseen in my entirety. Most days I do not think about it, some days I think too much about it and other days I feel a weariness. I feel a burden and the weight of that burden which seems to bury me with yet another layer of invisibility, another layer my painted nails have to struggle to claw through. But when I put my key into the lock of our house, when I walk through that door and my Butch greets me with a hug and kiss I become whole once again. I'm seen. I exist. I'm loved.
dirt
My plain look didnt stop the men with leering gazes from asking me what book I was reading or how I'm liking the change in weather, all in some vain hope that the book or warm sun was going to be their vile accomplice in getting me into bed. My plain look didnt add any numbers to my weekly paycheck. My plain look didnt get the federal government to pass an equal right amendment. My plain look didnt stop men from abusing and raping women and children. My plain look didnt change me from being a woman therefore "not management" material. My plain look didnt even grant me the lesbian visibility it promised. What my plain look did do is alienate me from me and me from the Butch women I desired with my whole being. For a while at least, but just for a while.
Today as I kiss my Butch and leave the house I leave behind as I take her with me the Femme I swore long ago I would NEVER again remove. But while I do not take her off, neither is she recognized, anywhere I go. Even when I out myself to people; "oh are you married"? " no I'm a lesbian", she remains unseen. Unseen because the totality of Femme is invisible even in the flesh. Example: I go to a function through work where I meet people that I do not work with. I mix, I mingle where upon at some point in the evening a man ask me "what does your husband do"? I politely reply "My girlfriend works in so and so. I'm a Femme lesbian" The man seems slightly taken aback and more than slightly interested. Before I can say another word a female co-worker of mine comes up and the man quickly says "oh is this your girlfriend"? Then I do what I always do, I open my purse, pull out my pocket book to the picture I have of my Butch and I and say "no this is my girlfriend"! The man says nothing more and walks away seemingly in confusion and disgust.
Even when declaring Femme lesbian I remain invisible, all that is visible is "lesbian". If I strictly say "Femme", people go blank, when I add lesbian they immediately go to girl on girl porn. This is what I mean about the totality of Femme. Younger Femmes, self hating Femmes are so quick these days to separate themselves from Butches. But Butch is a major component in MY totality of Femme. Because if she doesnt come into view then I remain invisible, the lesbian I am remains invisible. I'm not interested in being the star in the fantasies of straight men! That little "lesbian" bubble they all carry around in their brains to please their pricks quickly goes POP when they see my Butch. The "lesbian" thrill loses its appeal, then the lesbian we both are becomes invisible.
This is a typical day for me as a Femme, explaining, ignoring, half explaining, half ignoring all to no avail, all to remain unseen in my entirety. Most days I do not think about it, some days I think too much about it and other days I feel a weariness. I feel a burden and the weight of that burden which seems to bury me with yet another layer of invisibility, another layer my painted nails have to struggle to claw through. But when I put my key into the lock of our house, when I walk through that door and my Butch greets me with a hug and kiss I become whole once again. I'm seen. I exist. I'm loved.
dirt
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Femme Invisibility
Femme Invisibility. The term has been tossed around a great deal in the last
decade, but it has been suffered by Femmes for as long as Femmes have existed.
Let me begin by defining Femme Invisibility as I a Butch woman understand it to be. Femme Invisibility is invisibility tripled. Femme's experience invisibility first through the assumptions from the hetero world that because their visual brand of femininity (Femme Femininity) falls within the range of general hetero-femininity they must also be hetero, second because Femme Femininity falls within the range of the lipstick lesbian, Femme's are assumed by lipstick lesbians to be lipstick lezbo dating material, and last because Femme Femininity falls within the range of both hetero femininity and lipstick lezbo femininity they are often invisible to the Butches they so desire.
"Passing" is one of the biggest complaints/problems Femme's have with Femme Invisibility. Because when Femmes pass as straight woman, their lesbianism is invisible which leaves them open for male attentions they do not desire. Couple this with Butch invisibility then even when Femme's out themselves as lesbians because hetero female on hetero female is the mainstay of hetero male porn, men's first sick thoughts when a Femme declares she is a lesbian, is envisioning her with another Femme or lipstick lesbian and them watching. And because hetero female on hetero female is a male porn mainstay with females performing sex for men whether or not the man joins the women (and he usually does) there is an assumption that Femme lesbians are not legitimately lesbian because all the "lesbians" in male porn/fantasy are really looking for some man dick. This is why often the lesbianism within Femme/Butch couplings is suspect by heteros. It is often believed the Femme in the relationship is really straight and really wants to be with a guy because all "lesbians" in porn want/fuck men, which many hetero take as proof of the illegitimacy of Femme lesbianism because why would a Femme lesbian after all date someone who "looks like a guy" if she didn’t really want to be with a guy? This barely touches upon the mind/field Femme Invisibility endangers Femme's to, but I think it gives one a minor idea of the kind bullshit Femme's deal with daily.
The Femme Invisibility Femmes face within the larger lesbian community present its own set of problems. The larger lesbian community makes plenty of their own assumptions about Femmes, like say if at a lesbian bar many lesbians assume Femmes to be interested in other Femme/inine lesbians. Often when non Femme lesbians find out Femmes are interested in Butch partners, non Femme lesbians may and do turn on Femme lesbians, viewing them as traitors of sorts, similar to how most lesbians view/treat "bisexual" women(and rightly so in those cases). I remember an ex telling me upon her moving to a new town, she began going to the local lesbian bar and was soon befriended by a lipstick lesbian type. My ex started hanging around with this lesbian knowing she said, straight off this woman was attracted to other lipstick lesbians. She enjoyed this woman's company and they had a few things in common so who this friend was attracted to had nothing to do with their friendship. Some weeks into their friendship they both hit the local lezzie bar. After an hour or so there was a Butch who came in that my ex found attractive (she dated only very butch Butches). My ex said something to her friend about how hot she thought this Butch was, where upon my ex's friend showed immediate disgust and said "that’s what you're into"? Needless to say this woman never contacted my ex again. I have heard over the years plenty of similar stories by Femme friends. Because of the type of woman (Butch) a Femme dates, her lesbianism is automatically suspect. This is why Femme Visibility and Butch Visibility are so dependent upon one another. Were Butches actually viewed and understood by the larger lesbian community as the women we are, Femme's would be understood as the lesbians they are.
Invisible to the general public, invisible, distrusted and disdained for who they love by lesbians, then to top it all off invisible quite often to the Butches they wish to attract, isn’t Femme Invisibility grand! I have often laughed with Femme partners and Femme friends at the interesting twists dating usually takes with Femmes and Butches. Funny because there has and remains the ignorant notions that Femme/Butch is nothing more than male/female mimicry and Femme/Butch dating techniques are yet another thing that illustrates how nonsensical those notions are. Because most Butch women never got the chance to develop asking a girl out in school, we fear trying it as adults. What usually happens is, in many instances if we were to compare Femme/Butch to male/female it is the Butches taking on the straight girl role, not the Femme like most might think. Butches are notorious for letting Femmes make the first move. What happens when we see a woman we like, do we go up and talk to her? No. We snag a glance, we make ourselves available even if with a Femme friend by not doing anything that might make us look like we're a couple, we laugh at everything as cool as we can, if at a bar setting we might find a reason to walk past her as cool and as butch as we possibly can, then like so many straight women before us, we sit back and wait and hope this Femme makes a moves. I don’t believe I'm exaggerating when I say I bet 9 out of 10 Femme/Butch relationships began with the Femme making first contact with the Butch!
So growing up a feminine female, Femmes like all women grew up being conditioned to think when it came time for them to date all they would have to do is simply say yes or no. But because of Femme Invisibility and Butch fear, Femmes have had to completely rewrite for themselves a different dating manual, no easy feat I would wager! Just as there are things only a Femme knows about a Butch, this is something only Butches really see, get and appreciate about Femmes. This strength that creates uniqueness in Femmes that most women do not posses, and which is hidden/unknown to all except us Butches, and make no bones about it, it is strength, strength of femmeness we Butches do not posses, that allows a Femme to dare against all she was raised and conditioned with to ask another woman, a Butch woman at that, out. Without that unique Femme strength we Butches would be some very lonely souls.
While that covers the three prime factors I brought up regarding the whys of Femme Invisibility I want to talk a bit about my experiences and observations about visibilizing Femmes. Post modernism's bastard child "queer theory" has not simply harmed Butch women; it has also created further troubles for Femmes. Queer Theory's you are whatever you say you are mantra has created a open field where if a straight male shoots up some dope and has enough money to cosmetically pretzelfy his cock/nutsack into a monstrosity, pays a price to the state to legally change his M to an F on his ID he can then (he's been lead to believe) rightfully call HIMself a "femme"! Now in and of itself, we might say "so what", the bum on the corner of 5th and main calls himself "Jesus", should the Christians be worried? Probably not. Because of the patriarchal systems under which we all unavoidably dwell, Mtf men have entered lesbian’s spaces and as women since having had those patriarchal systems drummed into our heads since we left the safety of our mother's womb, that men are the authorities on/of everything, lesbians began and continue deferring to Mtf men in their midst's. (On a side note I find this interesting because despite how intelligent some of these Mtf men are they cannot see past their disorder to see that when lesbians do this, lesbians are not embracing them as "women/lesbians" but reinforcing that they are in fact MEN)
How does any of this hurt Femme lesbians dealing with invisibility issues? If you have ever met any man, the first most noticeable thing about him is EVERYTHING is about HIM. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but his male privilege insures that everything is about him, if not, anger/tantrum no matter the age. This is the background and nature Mtf men bring to the lesbian community. So that when they say "I have a problem with this", actual lesbian issues become secondary or non existent. While I do not believe this is a HUGE issue to Femme Visibility yet, I do bring it up because if you are a regular reader you know just last week I was banned from a Femme Invisibility group for trying to keep the topic about Femmes, rather than the issues of the Mtf men in the group. And it was "femmes" who banned me, not the men btw. If Femmes are not the forefront of Femme Invisibility, there will NEVER be a chance for Femme Visibility.
I have been over the years attacked by so called "femmes" for even trying to discuss Femme Invisibility because I'm a Butch. I have tried time and again to bring about discussions/think tanks on what Femmes can do to visibilize themselves and each and every time attacked/banned, by so called "femmes". In Femme/Butch spaces everywhere there seems to be this fear of REALLY talking about Femme Invisibility. Why? In these same spaces "femmes" talk regularly about how difficult invisibility is, yet try talking about it or discuss ways to potentially change it and you'll get your head bitten off. I find these women to be pickled in queer theory nonsense, who will do anything in their power to keep their world flat, even if that flatness is killing them and other Femmes. It’s sad and sickening to me. It reminds me of women 60 years ago who refused to fight for feminism because while they would like to get a job and have equal rights, their b/fs might stop opening their doors or buying them candy and flowers on Saturday nights!
Personally I am as interested and as invested in Femme Visibility as I am Butch Visibility, as I said earlier they're both dependent upon one another. I am also interested and invested because I care about Femmes and their deserved happiness's and life simplicities. One shouldn’t have to struggle so hard for something as simple as being seen. I fully understand what needs to take place for Butch Visibility; though that is no small task it is at least definable. The answers for Femme Visibility are more difficult to nail down, made worse as I said before because so often one gets cut off at the knees for bringing it up. Obviously regularly coming out (in safe places) is a given. I have been fortunate, in that past Femme partners ALWAYS proudly outed themselves whenever and where ever they could.
I think for both the good of both Femmes and Butch women within lesbian spaces Femmes need to be more vocal about their lesbian desires. I think this would help non Femme/Butch lesbians to see Femme lesbians are just as lesbian because they too want a woman's body sexually-only difference being that woman's body is in a Butch package with Butch energy behind it. I think Femme sexuality has taken a back seat in a similar way straight women's sexuality gets diminished because it’s all about the "menz" and "the cock". Check out any B-F forum and under sexuality most of it reads pretty hetero based/Butch based. There is a great shame in Butch sexuality and Femme's will mask their own desires publicly by downplaying or not mentioning that their desire goes past being fucked by a Butch or giving Butch "blow jobs". And that’s not to take away any pleasure both Femmes and Butches gain from those experiences, but we all know behind close doors there's a little more to Femme sexuality than that. Besides Femme Femininity it is lesbianism that is the prime factor in Femme. This is something that Femmes need to reclaim and reassert if they are ever to be truly visible, and we Butches need let them as well as encourage them, for them, but for us also. To take away the shame once and for all rather than letting our Femmes mask it for us, which in the end, only hurts us both. In soooo many Femme/Butch spaces both RT and online it has almost become shameful for a Femme to admit she enjoys a Butch's breast/pussy. And if she does admit it all too often she must slip into some insane Orwellian doublespeak of "chest" for breast and "cock" for clit. I say shame on any Butch who has EVER put her Femme in that position out of their own shame and sexual insecurities. (Side note-I'm not talking about playing around in bed-I'm talking legitimate sexual discussions)
I realize I have given only a few examples in the way in which we can begin fighting Femme Invisibility, but I want any Femme (or Butch for that matter) to know if you would like to seriously start brainstorming on this issue, this blog is a safe space and you can if afraid comment anonymously. Also my email is always open.
That being said, clearly there is a multitude of Femme Invisibility factors Femmes face every day, each an arrow cutting through the heart of every Femme. If there is a Butch woman reading this and your Femme is anywhere near you, pull your Femme to you and hug her with the biggest sweetest kindest hug you could ever muster. She deserves it.
dirt
Let me begin by defining Femme Invisibility as I a Butch woman understand it to be. Femme Invisibility is invisibility tripled. Femme's experience invisibility first through the assumptions from the hetero world that because their visual brand of femininity (Femme Femininity) falls within the range of general hetero-femininity they must also be hetero, second because Femme Femininity falls within the range of the lipstick lesbian, Femme's are assumed by lipstick lesbians to be lipstick lezbo dating material, and last because Femme Femininity falls within the range of both hetero femininity and lipstick lezbo femininity they are often invisible to the Butches they so desire.
"Passing" is one of the biggest complaints/problems Femme's have with Femme Invisibility. Because when Femmes pass as straight woman, their lesbianism is invisible which leaves them open for male attentions they do not desire. Couple this with Butch invisibility then even when Femme's out themselves as lesbians because hetero female on hetero female is the mainstay of hetero male porn, men's first sick thoughts when a Femme declares she is a lesbian, is envisioning her with another Femme or lipstick lesbian and them watching. And because hetero female on hetero female is a male porn mainstay with females performing sex for men whether or not the man joins the women (and he usually does) there is an assumption that Femme lesbians are not legitimately lesbian because all the "lesbians" in male porn/fantasy are really looking for some man dick. This is why often the lesbianism within Femme/Butch couplings is suspect by heteros. It is often believed the Femme in the relationship is really straight and really wants to be with a guy because all "lesbians" in porn want/fuck men, which many hetero take as proof of the illegitimacy of Femme lesbianism because why would a Femme lesbian after all date someone who "looks like a guy" if she didn’t really want to be with a guy? This barely touches upon the mind/field Femme Invisibility endangers Femme's to, but I think it gives one a minor idea of the kind bullshit Femme's deal with daily.
The Femme Invisibility Femmes face within the larger lesbian community present its own set of problems. The larger lesbian community makes plenty of their own assumptions about Femmes, like say if at a lesbian bar many lesbians assume Femmes to be interested in other Femme/inine lesbians. Often when non Femme lesbians find out Femmes are interested in Butch partners, non Femme lesbians may and do turn on Femme lesbians, viewing them as traitors of sorts, similar to how most lesbians view/treat "bisexual" women(and rightly so in those cases). I remember an ex telling me upon her moving to a new town, she began going to the local lesbian bar and was soon befriended by a lipstick lesbian type. My ex started hanging around with this lesbian knowing she said, straight off this woman was attracted to other lipstick lesbians. She enjoyed this woman's company and they had a few things in common so who this friend was attracted to had nothing to do with their friendship. Some weeks into their friendship they both hit the local lezzie bar. After an hour or so there was a Butch who came in that my ex found attractive (she dated only very butch Butches). My ex said something to her friend about how hot she thought this Butch was, where upon my ex's friend showed immediate disgust and said "that’s what you're into"? Needless to say this woman never contacted my ex again. I have heard over the years plenty of similar stories by Femme friends. Because of the type of woman (Butch) a Femme dates, her lesbianism is automatically suspect. This is why Femme Visibility and Butch Visibility are so dependent upon one another. Were Butches actually viewed and understood by the larger lesbian community as the women we are, Femme's would be understood as the lesbians they are.
Invisible to the general public, invisible, distrusted and disdained for who they love by lesbians, then to top it all off invisible quite often to the Butches they wish to attract, isn’t Femme Invisibility grand! I have often laughed with Femme partners and Femme friends at the interesting twists dating usually takes with Femmes and Butches. Funny because there has and remains the ignorant notions that Femme/Butch is nothing more than male/female mimicry and Femme/Butch dating techniques are yet another thing that illustrates how nonsensical those notions are. Because most Butch women never got the chance to develop asking a girl out in school, we fear trying it as adults. What usually happens is, in many instances if we were to compare Femme/Butch to male/female it is the Butches taking on the straight girl role, not the Femme like most might think. Butches are notorious for letting Femmes make the first move. What happens when we see a woman we like, do we go up and talk to her? No. We snag a glance, we make ourselves available even if with a Femme friend by not doing anything that might make us look like we're a couple, we laugh at everything as cool as we can, if at a bar setting we might find a reason to walk past her as cool and as butch as we possibly can, then like so many straight women before us, we sit back and wait and hope this Femme makes a moves. I don’t believe I'm exaggerating when I say I bet 9 out of 10 Femme/Butch relationships began with the Femme making first contact with the Butch!
So growing up a feminine female, Femmes like all women grew up being conditioned to think when it came time for them to date all they would have to do is simply say yes or no. But because of Femme Invisibility and Butch fear, Femmes have had to completely rewrite for themselves a different dating manual, no easy feat I would wager! Just as there are things only a Femme knows about a Butch, this is something only Butches really see, get and appreciate about Femmes. This strength that creates uniqueness in Femmes that most women do not posses, and which is hidden/unknown to all except us Butches, and make no bones about it, it is strength, strength of femmeness we Butches do not posses, that allows a Femme to dare against all she was raised and conditioned with to ask another woman, a Butch woman at that, out. Without that unique Femme strength we Butches would be some very lonely souls.
While that covers the three prime factors I brought up regarding the whys of Femme Invisibility I want to talk a bit about my experiences and observations about visibilizing Femmes. Post modernism's bastard child "queer theory" has not simply harmed Butch women; it has also created further troubles for Femmes. Queer Theory's you are whatever you say you are mantra has created a open field where if a straight male shoots up some dope and has enough money to cosmetically pretzelfy his cock/nutsack into a monstrosity, pays a price to the state to legally change his M to an F on his ID he can then (he's been lead to believe) rightfully call HIMself a "femme"! Now in and of itself, we might say "so what", the bum on the corner of 5th and main calls himself "Jesus", should the Christians be worried? Probably not. Because of the patriarchal systems under which we all unavoidably dwell, Mtf men have entered lesbian’s spaces and as women since having had those patriarchal systems drummed into our heads since we left the safety of our mother's womb, that men are the authorities on/of everything, lesbians began and continue deferring to Mtf men in their midst's. (On a side note I find this interesting because despite how intelligent some of these Mtf men are they cannot see past their disorder to see that when lesbians do this, lesbians are not embracing them as "women/lesbians" but reinforcing that they are in fact MEN)
How does any of this hurt Femme lesbians dealing with invisibility issues? If you have ever met any man, the first most noticeable thing about him is EVERYTHING is about HIM. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but his male privilege insures that everything is about him, if not, anger/tantrum no matter the age. This is the background and nature Mtf men bring to the lesbian community. So that when they say "I have a problem with this", actual lesbian issues become secondary or non existent. While I do not believe this is a HUGE issue to Femme Visibility yet, I do bring it up because if you are a regular reader you know just last week I was banned from a Femme Invisibility group for trying to keep the topic about Femmes, rather than the issues of the Mtf men in the group. And it was "femmes" who banned me, not the men btw. If Femmes are not the forefront of Femme Invisibility, there will NEVER be a chance for Femme Visibility.
I have been over the years attacked by so called "femmes" for even trying to discuss Femme Invisibility because I'm a Butch. I have tried time and again to bring about discussions/think tanks on what Femmes can do to visibilize themselves and each and every time attacked/banned, by so called "femmes". In Femme/Butch spaces everywhere there seems to be this fear of REALLY talking about Femme Invisibility. Why? In these same spaces "femmes" talk regularly about how difficult invisibility is, yet try talking about it or discuss ways to potentially change it and you'll get your head bitten off. I find these women to be pickled in queer theory nonsense, who will do anything in their power to keep their world flat, even if that flatness is killing them and other Femmes. It’s sad and sickening to me. It reminds me of women 60 years ago who refused to fight for feminism because while they would like to get a job and have equal rights, their b/fs might stop opening their doors or buying them candy and flowers on Saturday nights!
Personally I am as interested and as invested in Femme Visibility as I am Butch Visibility, as I said earlier they're both dependent upon one another. I am also interested and invested because I care about Femmes and their deserved happiness's and life simplicities. One shouldn’t have to struggle so hard for something as simple as being seen. I fully understand what needs to take place for Butch Visibility; though that is no small task it is at least definable. The answers for Femme Visibility are more difficult to nail down, made worse as I said before because so often one gets cut off at the knees for bringing it up. Obviously regularly coming out (in safe places) is a given. I have been fortunate, in that past Femme partners ALWAYS proudly outed themselves whenever and where ever they could.
I think for both the good of both Femmes and Butch women within lesbian spaces Femmes need to be more vocal about their lesbian desires. I think this would help non Femme/Butch lesbians to see Femme lesbians are just as lesbian because they too want a woman's body sexually-only difference being that woman's body is in a Butch package with Butch energy behind it. I think Femme sexuality has taken a back seat in a similar way straight women's sexuality gets diminished because it’s all about the "menz" and "the cock". Check out any B-F forum and under sexuality most of it reads pretty hetero based/Butch based. There is a great shame in Butch sexuality and Femme's will mask their own desires publicly by downplaying or not mentioning that their desire goes past being fucked by a Butch or giving Butch "blow jobs". And that’s not to take away any pleasure both Femmes and Butches gain from those experiences, but we all know behind close doors there's a little more to Femme sexuality than that. Besides Femme Femininity it is lesbianism that is the prime factor in Femme. This is something that Femmes need to reclaim and reassert if they are ever to be truly visible, and we Butches need let them as well as encourage them, for them, but for us also. To take away the shame once and for all rather than letting our Femmes mask it for us, which in the end, only hurts us both. In soooo many Femme/Butch spaces both RT and online it has almost become shameful for a Femme to admit she enjoys a Butch's breast/pussy. And if she does admit it all too often she must slip into some insane Orwellian doublespeak of "chest" for breast and "cock" for clit. I say shame on any Butch who has EVER put her Femme in that position out of their own shame and sexual insecurities. (Side note-I'm not talking about playing around in bed-I'm talking legitimate sexual discussions)
I realize I have given only a few examples in the way in which we can begin fighting Femme Invisibility, but I want any Femme (or Butch for that matter) to know if you would like to seriously start brainstorming on this issue, this blog is a safe space and you can if afraid comment anonymously. Also my email is always open.
That being said, clearly there is a multitude of Femme Invisibility factors Femmes face every day, each an arrow cutting through the heart of every Femme. If there is a Butch woman reading this and your Femme is anywhere near you, pull your Femme to you and hug her with the biggest sweetest kindest hug you could ever muster. She deserves it.
dirt
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