Change Your World-NOT your Body

Thursday, November 4, 2010

When Lesbians Lose a Lover to Transition

This poignant comment was left a few days ago and I didnt want to see it get lost in the mix. And to the lesbian who wrote the comment I will write more about the pain and suffering loved ones go through when women murder their femaleness through transition. And if you ever need to talk one on one, I'm here.

If anyone reading would like to share their personal story of losing a loved one to transition, you can email me at dirtywhiteboi67@yahoo.com. I think it would benefit not only those who have went through similar experiences with a loved one, in knowing they are not alone, BUT equally important it would benefit those on the fence about transition, because you KNOW personally that transition isnt merely a physical change, but that testosterone also changes the brain and personality to the point the person you knew and loved isnt found anywhere, outside or in.

dirt

Edit to add for the reading/comprehension impaired: This is a space to validate and empathize with specifically lesbians who have lost a lover to transition and secondarily a space for anyone else who has lost someone to transition to be heard. If you do not have that experience or empathizing words for those who do, do not waste your time commenting, your comment will simply be deleted.

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8 comments:

  1. It's like losing someone to meth or booze. Watching them slowly lose reality and waste into unhealthy living and social groups that only egg them on.

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  2. I used to be supportive of trans...I have several friends who are transmen...I attend michfest and know all about the trans drama. I never really "got" how horrible transition can be until I watched my lesbian friend in agony while her partner transitioned. "he" became more obsessed with passing as male, even getting pissed off at "his" partner because her leg hair is darker....

    Now my lesbian friend has to face whether to stay in the relationship or not with someone she thought she would love for life..when they were a woman.

    I don't even think agony describes what she is going through...I will link her to this blog and see if she is brave enough to post about it.

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  3. Dear Dirt, I am the anonymous who posted this testimonial and I would like to thank you for having done a whole post for it.
    As I am not an English native, I also apology of the error I may have done when writing it (but it was with all my heart).
    I find it difficult as partner and ex-partner of trans-people to express what I feel. When you express something different than the usual positive comments you can find, you are silenced by the trans community. I have tried to give my testimonial on one of our local FTM, friends & allies online support forum here in my country but I was bashed and banned.
    I don't define myself as transphobic or anti-male.
    Before figuring out I was a lesbian, I dated, had relationships and had sex with bio-guys but the quality of relationship I have with women is so far better, I know who I am.
    So when my ex-partner told me she wanted to enter in a transition process, I was really surprised (as explained above) but also really supportive. Although I tought it was a fashion fad.
    I am not the kind of person who puts her pleasure or interest first in a relationship, I feel like a relationship is better when everybody is happy, when everybody can express his/her oneself...
    So if it was what me ex wanted ok, I said "go ahead".
    I was really in love, so at that time, I did a huge work on myself to be prepared to the physical changes but what I haven't expected at all were the mental changes.
    The mental changes were the cause of our break-up.
    As explained previously, it felt like in 8 months of time, I have lost (like in "she is dead") the person I used to be closed to/have an intimacy with on an intellect point of view.
    This is the biggest loss.
    I was dating someone very curious. Sometimes a bit naive about life (she/he is in her mid 20's, me in my late 30's so her freshness was so interesting to me) and with a great potential...But now, the person he became is like brainwashed seriously. In his brain, it looks like everything is centred/focused on his trans-identity.
    *people are not kind to him whatever maybe the reason = it is because they are transphobic
    *the grocery clerk did not say hello = it means he did not pass today...
    *etc...
    And there is what I call "the month of", the month of "I want more body hairs", the month of "I hate my moods swings, I should have more T", the month of "I am so desesperate I am blond, my sideburns are not visible..." (by the way, if a FTM reads those lines, what's up with the sideburns fetishism ?). in other words, he has obsession to his physical appeareance to a point it is the center of his life and cannot function properly.
    I have a bro, I have a father, I have male cousins and male friends and I had never seen something like this during their child and then teenagehood, never....
    So for me it was uninteresting to go on, the relationship was not fulfilling anymore....And if you add on top of this the physical changes, I felt I was with a complete stranger...
    And yes, I do believe that the woman I used to love is dead, her brain killed by the testosterone.

    And the pain and horror I feel about this transition is closed to the partner feeling of the scientist in this David Cronenberg movie called "the fly".

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  4. I'm really sorry for what happened to you, helen, you can have my (unfortunately narrow and virtual anyway) shoulder to cry onto. It's also a real pity how testimonies like yours are liqiudated like nothing in trans spaces, as "So you really didn't love HIM" or "He's better off without you, you f*cking transphobe!" They only accept what doesn't contradict their worldview, and can't (well, at least it seems so, please contradict me if I'm wrong) really empathize with those who don't, especially in an emotional case such as yours. I actually think his mental transformation is much more likely due to influences from trans communities than testosterone itself, after all all males get it at puberty but don't complain about not having enough sideburns nearly as much and don't become completely different persons.

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  5. I sympathize with anyone who loses a loved one to any life change. But the fact is, if you love someone you want them to be happy and if what it takes to make them happy isn't something you agree with, then unfortunately it just can't work out. In as much as it hurts you to lose someone you love - would you really want them to stay and not be true to themselves just for the sake of the relationship? Because you wouldn't be getting 100% of them. You people pick out a few bad examples and then apply that across the board to all Trans people. I didn't begin my transition in a relationship so I can't imagine making that decision in the midst of a relationship not having been honest about your feelings up front - I had that talk with everyone I was ever in a serious relationship with, they always knew how I felt about my gender, even before I had any plans to do anything about it. They had the power to make the choice to enter into a relationship with someone with gender issues. I have been happily married for almost 10 years now and have wonderful children, and a very full life. I have never mistreated anyone or had anger issues or acted out or anything like that and I inject Testosterone once a week. It saddens me that people take isolated incidents and broadcast them like they're some sort of blanket truth about a community of people. There are bad apples in every community. Please stop the hate. Read up on the Laws of Attraction - you get what you put out.

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  6. Anonymous @2:23:

    Isolated? Maybe, but what you're saying is that your story should be taken as the standard and that this woman's sorrow and loss are invalid or don't really count because you say that they are "isolated" accounts. Who knows if they are or aren't. Who cares if they are? Is her story any less true? And why on earth are you here telling lesbians not to listen to the voice of a lesbian? Do you have special insight into a lesbian partner's experience of transition that lesbians wouldn't have?

    What you're saying is that she shouldn't tell her story, Dirt shouldn't give her the space and we shouldn't listen because it's not YOUR story. If it had been "my girlfriend went from someone with wide interests and a love of life to someone obsessed with oxycontin and her whole life revolved around it," would you recognize the destruction of the person or just chalk that up to Helen not being able to let her girlfriend be happy with what she wants in life?

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  7. Lesbians whose partners indulge their mental illness by medically abusing themselves often talk about the moment of horror when they wake up and smell a "man" lying in bed next to them.
    My heart goes out to them.

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  8. You are very articulate and intelligent so I can see the threat you pose and why some of the trans community are up in arms. As a transguy I don't agree with most of what you say, however, keep on speaking freely, it is your opinion and you are entitled to it without the threat of violence/rape!

    ReplyDelete

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