Sunday, September 5, 2010

A Quick Note on Showering and Intimacy

Today was the first day in a while that I've showered alone. Growing up Butch I never dreamed a point would be reached with my body that I would even undress in front of another woman, let alone enjoy showering with her twice a day.

Like nearly every woman, we Butches ingest all the female hatred patriarchy has to offer, till our bellies are plum full of it. But unlike most women, we don't just let it sit there festering in our belly's bile, we Butches instead digest that female hatred clean through our digestive systems till its been shat out. But rather than flush that putrid female hatred down the toilet where it belong, we Butches reach both hands into the bowl, fill our fist full, then smear ourselves with the stink of it, then hate ourselves after for what we presume to be our foulness.

Showering with a Femme lover for many Butches, becomes a way to wash that female shame and hatred from our bodies as well as a way to cleans our minds. It cuts through Butch shame like no other knife, whittling away at the female hatred we've swallowed long before we were old enough to know what was being fed to us. There is a beauty and an intimacy in showering with another woman that surely the only thing comparable was when we bathed in our mother's ocean. An ocean we were expelled from, then a beach we were expected to leave for "the love of men". But as lesbians, we're natural beach bums and as lesbians we've the chance to swim that lost ocean we once knew.

Thats what it feels like to me, that morning or evening shower with my sweetheart, it as close as close can get. As intimate as sex can be, sex is also distracting and distractions can fracture intimacy. Showering, washing each other, taking turns rinsing, brushing teeth, morning kisses, shaving, all the while utterly naked. A nakedness that is both physical and mental, especially for us Butches. Because we have no boxers or jeans or tshirts to hide behind and hide behind those things we often do, especially  mentally. But naked, with your lover there naked with you? No where to run and no where to hide. But that nakedness doesnt feel like a burden to me, it feels like pure freedom, freedom that hetero-patriarchy tried to shame me out of. Freedom that love re-instills with every shared shower.

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  1. This is quite real, Dirt. And it shows a real depth of healing that just won't come except through dealing with the cards we were dealt in life as butch women - and never in trying to fake being someone else.

    Just today my femme wife told me that she really liked the curve at the side of me belly, because it was a part of my woman-body that turned her on. Not long ago I would have cringed at that, shuddered to imagine my woman's body at all. But today I just smiled and kissed her and loved that she loves this old butch for EVERY part of me, just exactly like I am.

    And nothing is as good as that.

  2. Its a very liberating feeling isnt it Nat!


  3. I like this alot. As an ftm, you would have me feel that I come from the "other" side of the fence from you but I reject that whole-heartedly. I relate to your sense of reclamation of your body through love. I have felt that too, and it is a wondrous redemption. I admire your spirit and vulnerability. I have that too and it is a gift. I can never afford to let persons like yourself or the world at large tell me what I am or how I feel. Because I know myself...first.

  4. I love it when you get poetic,
    Dirt, and this is pure poetry, which cuts to the truth...I too love showering with my lover, and even though we're Butch on Butch, underneath we are ALL FEMALE, and that intimacy in the shower really is something special. I liked how you mentioned the Ocean and that as Dykes we're natural beach bums!

    We want that Ocean to wash over us, that Mother's Womb, that Female Intimacy that washes us clean and affirms us fully, in our bodies, minds and spirits!

  5. Love this one, Sweetie. I love to shower with my butch lover, and admire her beautiful female body. Thanks for the reminder. :-)