Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Few Words to the Butches

In less than a week I have had two different Femme's speak to me in TOTAL frustration over how difficult us Butches make it in getting close to us. Over the years I have heard so many other Femmes with similar complaints. And to be clear these Femmes we're speaking more on emotional closeness rather than physical (one leads to the other). They are tired of spending years trying to break down the multitude of Butch walls we have erected for a multitude of reasons, starting in our Butchhoods, only to remain outside those walls after all their efforts. Femmes are not the enemy Butches, they are our solace, our saviours and our champions in a world where neither of us exist accept to each other.

Some of those walls were built for good reason at the time, walls to keep us safe from the minefields we had to maneuver daily. Walls to shield us from the steely questioning looks from strangers, walls to hide us from the constant question "are you a boy or a girl?", walls to blind us from the pointing and whispers, walls to hide all our shame because we werent like anyone else we knew. Yes, these walls were necessary for our survival growing up, but so often those same walls have become our crypts, walls that have lead to our emotional deaths. But all is not lost when there are Femmes out there wanting with everything that they are to breathe life back into us obliterating the walls we no longer need. They are not using their sweet breathe to unbutch us, but to free us! Stop letting that wall of Butch shame deceive you into feeling otherwise.

There are so few of them and so little of us it is a miracle when we find each other, so stop allowing the wall of Butch shame to strip this miracle of its unique luster with shame based anger robbing us both. By giving Femmes what they deserve, emotional and physical intimacy, we have the opportunity to give ourselves what we've been robbed, life.



  1. To all Butches ~ Listen to Dirt! The walls are kind of transparent to many/most of us Femmes.
    What I have seen behind them with the two Butches I've known and loved is something awesome. Truly incredible, dear, lovable sweethearts - who were verbally abusive and played games in order to not be seen. I had always thought something was wrong with me until I looked closer at you.

    Perhaps you've gone through so many women you don't know who to trust anymore.

    I tried my best, because I loved each one unconditionally (different times, of course) and what I needed most was to be trusted and loved back, not left out in the cold. Did not get that.

    "Making love" comes from a connection deeper than attraction; one where the walls are lowered for the other. It must be more fulfilling. I wouldn't know, though.

  2. Dirt - what you say is so absolutely true. This is an area where I don't have other Butches to lean on. The whole love making and truly opening up to a Femme is just not spoken about least with the folks I'm around. I have a wonderful Femme partner and she just pulls the best out of me.

    I have a few butch friends but they are so wrapped up in 'looking butch enough' and all that. I have had a couple of friends who are heading down the path of wanting to pass and I find I am distancing myself from them because I disagree with what they are doing. I've directed them to you site but no avail.

    Another little piece is my Femme is so very outspoken she is seen as 'too outspoken' so she gets shunned from some groups and that in turn limits who we hang out with. I've found a B/F group here but I'm afraid to show up to one. I don't know if they will accept me and it takes me time to warm up to folks I don't know. Some days I'm content that we keep to ourselves. It is lonely sometimes but one thing I know for the last few years of my life is I'm happy that I am myself. Who has helped me with that Femme partner. She means the world to me and she truly allows me to be myself. I've stopped trying to not look Butch. Now I'm a proud Butch.

    I think you doing a grand thing, Dirt, creating a safe place for Butch and Femme to talk.

    I've got more to say but I can't seem to get the words out just now...

    More in the future.


  3. I think all women are perfectly capable of being deeply emotionally connected to each other butch or femme. I identify as a lesbian feminist, but most would just think I'm a butch. What I've noticed over the years is how exhausting all the butch posturing really is. Just the mean attitude, gang banger dude stuff, that I just can't tolerate.

    If I'm with women, I do expect civility, kindness, a sense of happiness, not this "attitude." Lately, I've been having a lot more fun with straight women, because they are nicer on the whole than most lesbians. I got tired of the games, the attitudes, or just the plain social incompetance. Butch looking lesbians are oppressed, but it doesn't mean that we take this oppression out on other women.

    I would never treat women in generatl the way I've watched butches act in public a lot.

  4. Passing along this comment from Femme who couldnt get it to post:

    "Beautiful. Thank you for sending this message out to Butches.
    It is still a struggle sometimes to break down those walls, and although we tire from the constant laboring, we will never give up. We live to love Butches. Please, let us in so we can love you.

    Thanks Dirt".

  5. Another comment I'm passing along for this post:

    "I loved your posting Dirt. I must say that although it may be challenging, tiring and difficult to climb over those Butch 'walls' (especially in heels!), I wont stop trying, for what lays just behind those walls is such strength, beauty and softness.
    It takes a strong woman to walk about in this world the way you do...visible and open to critique everyday. I understand why the walls must be erected to protect yourselves against the silent (and not so silent) attacks.
    I just wish you could leave the guards at the door as you dont need them when you get into our arms. We WANT to protect you, we WANT to soothe the wounds, We WANT to love you. You just have to let us in. "

  6. Been there, done all that, as a butch. Meeting my femme partner was the best thing that's ever happened to me, and she has helped me heal a lot of stuff I didn't even know was broken. I just thought that's how it was! She did that not be being my therapist, but just by being herself, and therefore letting me be more me than I ever understood before.

    Other stuff also healed over time, and with wanting to heal (thinking we want to heal when we really don't is a major impediment to healing ;) When I was younger, I used to do a lot more butch posturing and so on. I worried about how butch I looked, and so on. I had fights to prove how butch I was. Most of that's gone now. I rarely worry about it anymore. I am what I am, and nothing changes that. Someone could put me in a pink frilly dress and I'd STILL be the same butch I am now (I'd just look stupid). So I don't have to fight or worry over being myself.

    And that's actually seemed to make me even more butch -- probably because I'm less stressed about it. More at home in it. And that also means fewer walls up, more emotional connectedness.

  7. The very first person to whom I "came out" was a butch. When I look back on it, I think she understood me because I had my own "walls," too. She would later tell me that she felt safe with me in a way she had never before felt. Ironically, I said the same thing to her.

    No, we didn't become lovers: She has been with her partner for more than 25 years, and I have no wish to intrude on that. But it's funny that the two of us, who were "closed" to most of the world, connected in ways that I never could with any lover I had.