The Problem with Butch Othering (last part)

Most Butch women will always have moments of not feeling quite right during sex because of the years othering has kept them a part from their bodies/hating their bodies. Unothering ourselves back into the Butch women we are takes years, patience and love...

Othering largely encompasses the entirety of a Butch's life and the othering that takes place usually takes its shape in some form of male. From the "tomBOY" we start out being othered with throughout our youth, to the "manly/mannish" dykes we're often referred to and ostracized with by the general lesbian community, to our being embraced in the Femme/Butch community as "masculine", All male all the time remaining forever unseen and unrecognized Butch othering far far too often even when with the best of intentions equals male, and that equaling only goes to further distance Butches from themselves as women and as lesbians even. Butch male othering in certain light, hetersexualizes the Butch/Femme relationship creating a gulf between Butch and lesbian which only goes to emphasize the gulf between Butch and woman.

While this easily could run an entire post (or more) I'd like to briefly mention a little more on the "best of intentions". Let me say first I cannot even begin to contemplate the many juggling acts a Femme finds herself having to perform in trying to figure Butches out and I thoroughly sympathize with what surely all Femmes go through/put up with for the love of Butches. But the sad simple truth is Femmes are in the dark about Butches nearly as much as everyone else. And I am not blaming, its merely a fact stemming from the result of Butch othering/Butch invisibility.

Femme's learn Butch through dating Butches, but this learning at best is braille with whole portions of the braille bumps missing! Its literally and figuratively feeling in the dark. But one thing she does know is Butches until her, were never made to feel good about being Butch. This is something she desires to do for them as a Femme lover as well as something she knows her Butch needs her to do having never had it. But because Butch othering largely equals male, the way most Femmes go about making a Butch feel good about being Butch is through the use of masculine terms/references. You cannot read anywhere regarding Butch where the male term "masculine" isn't applied! While this isn't meant as an insult from Femmes or the Femme/Butch community, its does aid in the continuance of Butch othering, not to mention it is inaccurate as a Butch descriptor. Butches are NOT MEN, therefore Butches cannot be MASCULINE!

Perpetuating Butch as masculine sets up a hetero male/female power dynamic conducive to producing sexism between Femmes and Butches and reinforces internalized misogyny within both Femmes and Butches. It is my personal contention that the heterosexualizing of Femme/Butch relationships partly leads to "lesbian bed death" within those relationships. The HUGEST mistake in any Femme/Butch coupling made is someone/s forget that they are lesbian!

And none of this is to say I'm against a certain amount of "playing" romantically, I'm not and this isn't. I think Femmes and Butches have distinct sexualities, sexualities inflamed by certain kinds of play. I don't think it is male/masculine/hetero for a Butch to strap and get turned on by her Femme lover sucking her cock (and calling it a cock), so long as both parties NEVER forget its "play". Sex is one of the few places adults can still comfortably pretend in and I'm not trying to change that. I do however think when a Butch internalizes "masculine" references for certain parts of her anatomy to the point she can no longer identify her breast as breast, her clit as clit or her pussy as pussy without HUGE feelings of shame, there's a problem. And that problem is a result of Butch othering.

There has been plenty O talk in plenty O Femme/Butch spaces through the years about how Butches redefine "masculinity", my question is if Butches are women why isn't it femininity we redefine??? Why are we instead put into a male category of being with which to redefine?? Shouldn't we leave that to the men? How did this become our problem as Butches? I maintain because of our being othered from the start. As I said we were othered right out of being female practically right out of the fucking womb! Hetero-Patriarchy defines femininity and hetero-patriarchy judges which women qualify to be situated within the gates of  femininity i.e. which women are worthy of view for the masturbatory gaze or just plain which women are fuckable.

We have little power as a small sub community of lesbians (femme/butch) to influence the huge hetero-patriarchal machine, but why aren't we challenging and changing what we can within our own community, especially with the HUGE amounts of shame and dysfunction running clean through it? Why are we perpetuating "masculine" as the ultimate Butch descriptor and compliment? Why aren't we instead dismantling the severe misogyny attached to the reason we attach "masculine" as a descriptor and compliment to Butches? Why aren't we stretching femininity to include Butches (because we are female are we not?)  in order to help put a stop Butch othering? Why are we not exploring a Butch femininity? Because within that exploration I'm sure we would discover and UNOTHER together Butch as female, Butch as girl, Butch as woman period!!!

STOP BUTCH OTHERING!

STOP BUTCH SHAME!

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The Problem with Butch Othering pt 2

So here I found myself once again othered because in a community I most certainly belonged in as a Butch, I didnt belong in because I failed to "present" myself as male and failed to acknowledge other Butch women as male!....

This is why othering is problematic for Butches, because while we start out being othered in a cutesy kinda way with the "tomBOY" term, we eventually get othered right out of female altogether! There has always been tragic ramifications from our othering; emotional, physical and sexual. Those ramifications have now become not simply tragic, but dire, due to an ignorant medical establishment hell bent on profit and conformity conforming through drugs and mutilations, the "othered".

Othering harms first emotionally, usually through Butch invisibility. Young Butch girls other themselves because they do not see themselves among the crowd or anywhere for that matter. No billboard has them in the latest jeans or drinking the latest soda, no television show stars them or even has them as extras off to the side, they grace the covers of no magazine (lesbian mags included). There is nowhere for the baby Butch to set her little eyes upon herself anywhere. So from the start, we, Butches are the first to begin this othering process of ourselves. We know we're girls, we also know we do not like to dress or play in the typical girl manner seen, we also know we are not boys, but we do like to dress and play in many typical boy ways displayed. But if we're not quite girls and not quite boys, what are we? Answering that usually takes most of us Butches decades to answer as well as feel good about that answer (some never do).

But until the answer arrives this early othering of ourselves and the othering we receive from others begins an emotional division within us from what we are (biological girls) to what we feel we are (a boy-girl lets say-something a male cousin used to refer to me as). This doesn't really become an issue for Butches until puberty, till then Butches live in a kind of no girls-no boys-land. There is a duel denial that takes place in these early years before our teens in the sense that we can deny we're female by ignoring that we're female and through that denial process affirm ourselves as a kind of faux boy (other) while denying we're boys (cuz we know we're not). We get away with this because until puberty there is little difference physically between baby Butches and boys. We have a vag and they have a peen, both are body parts that remain unseen, therefore play into our denial. We can be in our minds, girls that aren't girls and not quite boys i.e. others. This emotional juggling and confusion about who and what we are soon catches up with us devastating us when nature has her say and denial is no longer an option.

This reality check occurs when puberty hits and our bodies begin physically changing into young women's bodies. Defined by growing breasts, body hair and periods. Most girls look forward to this growth process because most girls can begin doing what they have been conditioned to do from birth, perform for the male sexual gaze. For Butch girls this growth process is a nightmare. Because almost over night, literally, we at least, to ourselves become less othered and more female. We cannot stop our bodies from changing into the bodies of women. Because this happens so fast we are emotionally unable to handle it in any productive way and have nowhere turn to because we do not exist as Butches to those around us. We become depressed, repressed and often withdrawn. All of these aspects and more can and remain with us unresolved for decades. We feel as though our very own bodies betrayed us in some way. Through this perceived betrayal our body then becomes our number one enemy!

Many Butches will take action against their body in the form of eating disorders, cutting, attempted suicides, drugs and alcohol abuse, punching/hitting our bodies or further emotionally distancing ourselves from our bodies. Pretending our body is just this thing we live in, not really and truly us. The aggregate from the ramifications of our othering up to this point comes full circle when we begin having relationships with other lesbian women. Like puberty our body comes back to haunt us, only this time through the horrors of sex.

The difficulties of a sexual relationship with another woman are two-fold for most Butches. First, because of the emotional distancing othering creates between Butches and themselves other emotional gulfs ensue forming between them and the rest of the world (emotional intimacy issues). Secondly, the mind/body split produced by othering makes it nearly impossible for Butches to feel totally comfortable sexually with another woman (physical intimacy).

I could easily devote a whole post two or three on Butch sexuality but since that isn't my primary focus for this subject I'll be brief. Sex for women is a very complex emotional and physical experience that when right can lead to a level of intimacy known only to women. Butches from the start of their first lesbian relationships are greatly hindered from that possibility because othering has hurt them both emotionally and physically. Because of the distance Butches put between themselves and their bodies, allowing another woman to make love to them is often terrifying and uncomfortable. Because this clearly signifies to the Butch that that "other" place they have lived for so long, that no womans/no mans land IS in fact woman's land. That is a very scary place to be, because despite being women Butches have lived most of their time as other, woman remains unknown to them. And we always fear the unknown, even if what is unknown lies within us.

A good partner makes all the difference when it comes to Butches working through these issues. But sadly quite often what happens is, the partner recognizes how uncomfortable their Butch partner is and rather than deal with the intimacy issues at hand, makes adjustments both emotional and physical to accommodate the Butch. This is how the "stone butch" is born. The Femme/Butch community as a whole makes these emotional and physical intimacy issues even worse because they perpetuate these issues by ignoring them and instead legitimize "stone butch" as an identity! Stone butch if you arent familiar is a Butch woman or butch persuasioned woman who limits her partners touch, usually around her breast and vag area. Make no mistake, "stone butch" IS pathological and is a result of Butch othering, it is also something that with work can be seen through for an emotionally and physically rewarding love/sex life.

Most Butch women will always have moments of not feeling quite right during sex because of the years othering has kept them a part from their bodies/hating their bodies. Unothering ourselves back into the Butch women we are takes years, patience and love.

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The Problem with Butch Othering pt 1

Growing up Butch you futilely search every face you come across, friend, foe or stranger even, looking for yourself and tragically finding nothing. Having no reflection, other than the one you see in the mirror makes it difficult to gauge how you are perceived by others.

When I was in 10th grade, in English class, we had this awesome teacher, Doc. Cronin whom everyone just called Doc. The class largely dealt with reading tons of short stories, some plays and some poetry. Near the end of every six week marking period before a "big test", Doc would have us play what basically was English Jeopardy, like the game show, covering in a fun way all we had read up to that point. When we played this study game it was from the start, boys against the girls and from the start the boys claimed me for their team. When the male score keeper went to the chalk board he wrote girls with a line drawn down the middle, then he wrote on the other side of the line Men plus Beaker, Beaker had been my nickname since 6th grade. So thats how I was viewed then, not as a girl or as a boy but as an other. Seen as too much of both I guess to fit comfortably in either.

I was twenty when I realized/admitted I was a lesbian. Knowing little about lesbians other than they naturally are attracted to and fall in love with other lesbians, I went learning about lesbians. I read everything I could get my hands on, from "her/story" to crap lesbian fiction and everything in between. I quickly learned I was a Butch lesbian. I youthfully with eagerness and zeal embraced this word that was the name for my nature, that I never knew before. I was Butch, a Butch, Butch. Part of the thrill of having this word Butch and owning my butchness was now I no longer was an "other", I was a Butch! But all too soon I learned through reading and lesbian life, Butch was an "other"! I was STILL an "other"!!! Actually the lesbian community viewed me as worse than an "other", they viewed and treated me as MALE, period!!!

The Femme/Butch community I didnt find till my early thirties, and ignorantly believed with that find that finally my "othering" would cease and I would be seen and embraced as the Butch lesbian I was. Wrong. Maybe had I been ten years older and discovered the Femme/Butch community twenty years before, things might for a spell had been different. But my discovering the Femme/Butch community coincided with post modernism's toxic injection into queer theory spreading its patriarchal adhered to rigid gendered norms throughout the body of all gay and lesbian communities, Femme/Butch included.

So from my start into the Femme/Butch community it was all about how alike Butch women were with men, how "masculine" Butch women were and how the more a Butch "acted" like a man, the butcher the Butch was! WHA??? I know Shakespeare said "all the worlds a stage" or some such nonsense, but I was and am a firm believer in the authentic life, especially since its the only fucking life we have! I desired to be apart of a reality based community where Butch simply meant what type of lesbian I was and signified what type of lesbian I was attracted to. I didnt sign up to be the brad pitt to some Femme's angelina, acting out some out dated non lesbian boring hetero role playing! I'm NOT a man, and Femme is NOT straight!

Spending most of my adult life working to over come several decades of the harmful misogyny I had internalized growing up, learning to appreciate the uniqueness and eventually love my Butch woman's body, I was not about to start being "he'd" in order to "feel" Butch! Nor did I feel comfortable with having the term "masculine" repeatedly applied to me no matter how many times I had heard Butches redefine "masculinity". So here I found myself once again othered because in a community I most certainly belonged in as a Butch, I didnt belong because I failed to "present" myself as male and failed to acknowledge other Butch women as male!

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Lesbian Leaves Transman and is "Harassed"

From an ftMISOGYNIST site for partners of ftMISOGYNIST.

I find it unbelievably frightening and nauseating how often Femme lesbians are expected to "adjust" to their g/f trannifying! These ftMISOGYNISTS expect "male privilege" right out of the fucking gate and that their little Femme woman should subjugate herself for their new found "male identity"! Are you fucking kidding me?? Umm can we say PUKE!

If these ftMISOGYNIST women actually loved their partners like so many falsely claim, they would do the hard work it takes to work towards loving themselves, their bodies and then their partners in order to have true love and true intimacy within that relationship. True love and intimacy cannot (has never) blossom(ed) and grow(n) amid pathological self hatred and other assorted mental illnesses.

That right from the start Femmes are expected to take a backseat to their partners "transition" illustrates right from the start the sexist and misogynistic attitudes and ideas the ftMISOGYNIST holds. These attitudes and ideas will only grow worse as the ftMISOGYNIST woman trannifies, which is partly why you never see any actual Femme lesbians (even those who had been in long term relationships with ftMs) stay in relationships with these types.

For as much as any true Femme is no longer going to be physically attracted to a mutilated masculinized woman's body, she is also not going to be attracted to the idea of herself as STRAIGHT nor pretzel herself into a STRAIGHT woman's life with a partner treating her as STRAIGHT! It just doesnt happen! Like we see with the post above.

Once a Femme discovers herself Femme, there is no going back. We ALL know Femmes who have left jobs, states, husbands and risked losing their children to be who they are and love the Butches they are only capable of truly falling in love with. There is such a strength in Femme it just amazes me sometimes. The last Femme I was in a relationship with had children, a husband of over a dozen years, little job skills and lived VERY affluently. She would drive 4 hours to the nearest women's bookstore just to be able to see lesbians shopping and to buy a lesbian magazine or book which she would read before heading back home then toss in the trash so she wasn't found out. How sad is that? But she met a Butch, her Femmeness kicked in and she risked everything she had, which besides her children she later admitted was nothing because what she had and lived with was pure hell and misery. She told her husband it was over she was a lesbian and could no longer live a lie. She filed for divorce, later worked out a settlement they both could live with and for the last dozen or so years lives her Femme life in Femme/Butch relationships.

To the Femme who wrote this post I give major kudos to! Good for her for being true to her Femme self! There are plenty O fucked up straight women out there who are ready and willing to date fucked up ftMISOGYNIST! At least till the next real man enters the picture!...lol

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