Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Necessity of Femme Butch Friendships

Having plans to meet a fairly new (hilarious) Femme friend for coffee tomorrow whom I spent a fun filled day with a few weeks ago, got me thinking about the importance of Femme Butch friendships.

The first relationship I had lasted over 9 years, it was with a feminine woman, but knowing Femme now, I know she was no Femme, merely feminine. Needless to say, clearly that's why there was no spark from beginning to end. But I digress, the lesbian friends we had as a couple were largely her friends. Not a Femme or Butch among them. By today's standards her group would be considered L Word dykes, at the time I called them the 90210 dyke pack, same thing, different decade. While I have no complaints against them as women or even as general friends; I still felt that as friends there was something lacking. I had a nagging feeling the thing missing with those friendships was the very same thing missing from my relationship, only at the time I didn't know exactly what that was.

After that relationship ended, I briefly dated a series of Femmes, from the first date with the first one, I KNEW what was missing from my life! Through a few of them I got acquainted with the online world of "butch/femme" and haven't looked back since. While my persistent insistence that Butch is solely female and not "male" has branded me with the mark of Lilith, alienating me from many Femme/Butch spaces, spaces no longer filled with Femme/Butch presences. But despite that, I'm still fortunate to have a few Femme/Butch friends and be a part of a small Femme/Butch lesbian group. Going through a rough patch a month or so ago now, I felt so cared for by a few select Femmes, Femmes that literally made ALL the difference to me as a Butch. Nothing romantic, just the presence of Femme. Having felt myself to be living in shade for months, they were the sun, they are the sun.

Thats the thing I'm talking about, its something Femmes and Butches do for each other that no others can. Its the knowing, I think. I like the knowing. I don't have to explain anything when I'm with or talking to another Butch or a Femme. There is this beautiful sorta secret bubble we Femmes and Butches exist in when together. Like hanging out with a Femme and excusing yourself (if Butch) to go to the bathroom, they immediately ask "do you want me to come with"? I love that! Because they know!

When I picked up my Femme friend from her hotel a few weeks ago to hangout and show her around town while her Butch partner was here on business, her Butch politely called and asked to be introduced to me (on the phone) since we weren't able to meet in person. And it was a really nice, polite "meeting". Nothing worrisome or jealous, just one Butch thanking another Butch for kindly seeing to it that their Femme enjoyed her day while her Butch was busy at work. As a Butch WOMAN there is a sweetness there that no woman NOT Femme or Butch could ever comprehend and no Butch who doesnt value herself as a woman could ever appreciate in another Butch. Its subtle, it is also the ocean.

I didnt know what I was missing before I found Femme/Butch, but it is clear once you find it, it is something you cannot ever go without again, and I've heard that from nearly every Femme and Butch I've known. We have our family, we have co-worker friends, we have straight friends and lesbians friends, but all those combined pale to even one Femme or Butch friend. Those friendships are necessary to ALL Femmes and Butches and personally I feel it would be death without them!

I was personally invited to a new online Femme/Butch group by a sexy Femme who "reads" my "blog", just yesterday. Feeling a bit down and tired from having worked most of the night before, between that invite and her saying how much she "appreciates real Butch women" I was lit up like the multitude of xmas trees being light up all over the world this month.


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  1. Hi Dirt. I'm a new reader and I have a question for you: Can someone call themselves butch if their partner is not femme? I've not read through all your posts yet, so if you've addressed this, can you point me in the right direction?

  2. Ellen,

    First let me say this, plenty of people "call" themselves plenty of things. Because they "call" themselves a tree, doesnt make them a tree. Its about authenticity Ellen, about being.

    As to your question, there clearly are butch persuasioned lesbians who date various kinds of lesbians. I only write about Butches who are in relation to Femmes.

    Does that help?


  3. Yes, I think I get what you're saying. What I meant was, 'would you call them Butch?' Can you have Butch without Femme? It sounds like you're saying yes.

  4. You can have butch without Femme, but you cannot have Butch without Femme.


  5. Can you explain the difference?

  6. Ellen,

    Butch is a noun, while butch would be an adjective. Some lesbians have butch qualities, but arent Butch. They also arent women Femmes date.


  7. How could one possibly define Butch or Femme? You either know or you don't. I value the friendship and sweetness of you, my dear Butch more than you know. I have felt alone is a world of straight people and lesbian hating lesbians and you are always a breath of fresh air like the first day you open a window after a long winter.

  8. Well, in this I differ, as I'm primarily Butch on Butch, and we exist just fine in filling our mutual desires for one another. We are totally, fully 100% Butch and proud, and only another Butch can fulfill our desires at the deepest levels.

    There are times we've also played with Femme women who seem most attracted to us since we are classic Female identified Butches. They like having the attentions of two Butches who are authentic, the 'real deal', do NOT want to transition, ect. ect, and have been lifelong Butches since childhood, that is tomboys, Amazon/Masculine/Butch little girls who NEVER 'fit in' to any feminine role, to grow up to be real deal Butches.

    We both have dated Femmes, my last relationship I was with a Femme for 5 and a half years. It was not nearly as satisfying for me, as being with another Butch.
    We like the mirror with each other.

    When we're attracted to other women, other Dykes, not just lesthbians, we're attracted to EITHER Butches or Femmes. Primarily Butches, but also to certain types of Femmes...but the types like Dirt mentions that are true Femmes...those Femmes that LOVE Butch attention. Not women who are bisexual or lesbian and merely feminine. But Femmes who understand Butch desire as well.

    I like the polarity. For me, it is in our dynamic that the polarity works for us, Butch on Butch, and with a Femme, it is the polarity also, but also the difference. I like my mirror, and I like the difference. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to me, as long as I can feel her Dyke soul underneath, Butch OR Femme.

    Androgynous or tweener types never do it for me.