Change Your World-NOT your Body

Friday, May 8, 2009

Butch sexuality is NOT Male sexuality

Whole Lesbian Sex-What Do Butches Want?

Lesbian Sexuality by Felice Newman (From GayCalgary® Magazine, January 2008, page 29)
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Butches, bois, stone butches. A sexy brew of masculinity in a female body. Do they, well, you know, get done? Heels in the air or on their knees, do butches give it up? And if they don’t, what do they like?
That was the question a femme, newly smitten with her first butch partner, asked me recently: "What do butches want?"
Many butches like strap-on sex. Some like clitoral stimulation and some like cunnilingus. Others like rimming and anal penetration. And yes, some butches like vaginal penetration.
If getting a partner off is central to lesbian sex, it’s paramount to butch sex. Often what a butch wants most is to drive a silicone dildo - or fingers or a hand - into the place that will please a partner most. When your butch is bringing you to orgasm, her body becomes a conduit for sexual energy.
Of course, let’s not assume your butch requires direct genital stimulation to get off.
Just the visuals of that dildo thrusting in and out of you may be enough to push your butch over the edge. The base of the dildo rubbing against her clitoris (perhaps with the help of a well-placed egg vibe) may provide the stimulation she needs. Many butches slip a hand under their harness and take care of themselves.
The real question is this: Is there something wrong with a partner who doesn’t want you paying attention to her genitals. Is that a hurdle to be overcome or a preference, thank you very much?
Don’t assume that every stone needs to be melted. That butch’s sexuality is her business. For some, it is indeed a preference. Others may go to great lengths to explore the source of their disinclination to receiving touch, much less vaginal penetration. They may examine all the nooks and crannies of their histories and turn every rock in their psychic gardens. They can work through past trauma and come to terms with gender dysphoria. And then decide - you know what? - it was a preference all along. Not everyone wants to get f**ked.
But some do. Some butches want to explore receptive sex. It’s an individual choice. If a butch decides she wants to explore receptivity, there are many ways to go about that. (For starters, it helps to have a partner who accepts her exactly as she is.) Here are some suggestions:
Femmes, don’t run out and buy a sparkly red patent leather strap-on. Take it slow.
Butches, bust your own myths. Many butches believe that "real" butches don’t get penetrated. ("Well, maybe in the butt. But if you eroticize your female genitals, you’re not really butch.") Not true.
By opening up the subject with your partner, you, as the butch, are not agreeing to give up your identity or your lifelong sexual practices. It’s just a conversation. You don’t have to change a thing.
Don’t conflate receptivity with "bottoming." If you’re into power play, you can construe a scene where the butch "orders" the femme to "service" her.
In any case, the butch directs the action, deciding how far to go and when to quit - no judgments.
Receptivity is an energetic quality that can be cultivated - it isn’t necessarily about who’s doing what to whom. In fact, you can be stone through and through and be receptive. How? Well, you can be open and inviting of the pleasures of the senses rather than closed or defended.
So what do butches want? Well, a lot of things - a classic hand job or blow job. Your butch may put her heels in the air in her own rendition of Bend Over Boyfriend. She may even invite your fingers, hand, or mouth to explore her body inside and out. When she’s packing for you, dear femme, she wants you spread before her, your body wrapped around her sex. However that butch likes to get off is good - because that truly is what she wants.

When WILL Butch sexuality stop being portrayed as male sexuality? Why is every locution related to Butch sexuality male-centric? No question, articles such as this perpetuate the (homo) male-centric notions that have become the mythology surrounding Butch sexuality, but surely they didn't begin those mythos.

  • When did our Butch breast become chests or chesticals
  • When did our clits become cocks
  • When did we cease having pussys?
  • When did a piece of rubber become real rather than sex play?
  • When did Femmes stop fondling our neither regions and begin giving us hand jobs?
  • When did Femmes going down on us become blow jobs??
Male-centric Butch sexuality, another facet of heterocentric norms/STRAIGHTBIANS used to shame Butch Lesbians, made worse with the inception of queer theory.

Once upon a time in a land far far away, Butches were allowed, in secret at least, to explore our sexuality with a loving, trusting Femme doing just the same. Male identification of Butches via STRAIGHTBIANS, insured Butch sexuality would be covered in shame and stay covered. But Femme love and patience unwrapped that shame from our Butch bodies, tore every scrap off inch by inch and dressed our wounds till love and time healed them. The intimacy this generated did not "unbutch" us, Butch cannot be licked off with our lover's tongue, wiped away by our Femme's hand, Butch will not be unmanned with the hardening of our nipples. There's nothing to unman, we're Butch LESBIANS!

There is no pride in being a Butch Lesbian any more, there is only the shame. A shame that we were able to previously keep out of our Femme/Butch spaces, a shame we fought together. Until  Radical Feminist STRAIGHTBIANS and Queer Theory angrily stomp down all Lesbian doors. Heterosexual Lezbophobic JUNK theories that only further invisibilized and redefined us in THEIR own image! Images that reinforced gender identity politics we'd been beaten over the head with since we were born! Theories that labeled our walk, our talk, our gait as "masculine", all the while arrogating it was dismantling masculinity and femininity by claiming anyone can own these constructs. And by owning, they meant conforming to, which in the end dismantles nothing!

Butch is not a construct, we are simply a different brand of Lesbian. Butch is not masculine. Masculine is male biology and Masculinity is male biology walking around. I am not a man, therefore I cannot be masculine. I am a Butch LESBIAN. Ascribing Butch with masculine, you in effect are stripping Butches of our Lesbian biology. Then turning around in the same moment and shaming us for not being men! Well, Butches are NOT men! Yet every Butch feels the sting of that shame. The shame of being something we are, coupled with the shame of being something we are not.

The same shame that grabs your hand whenever you reach for our breast and we says no. The shame that pulls our boxers back up when you try to take them down. The shame that after crying out in a fit of pleasure during the night, we cannot look you in the eye the next morning. The shame of crying after sex, period. The shame, the shame, the shame...

In the end it is up to us Butches and Femmes to take back that shame by calling it out and calling out the long line of STRAIGHTBIANS largely responsible for THEIR heterocentric definitions of Butch. Definitions Butches sometimes (for love) tried to squeeze ourselves into and most other times have been crammed into by Radical Feminism/STRAIGHTBIANS.

It is time for Lesbians to define Lesbians. Because until we do, our shame for being who we are and what we're not will never end.

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2 comments:

  1. I am so glad to finally run across someone who understands what masculinity is, and why applying the term to women is an insult. I was beginning to feel that I was the last lesbian on the planet who understood words as they are actually defined.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is such a brilliant post. Thank you so much for letting us know that you know this stuff.

    ReplyDelete

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